She's Married... Help!

[AnonymousHell]

I met a woman 3 years ago. She was single at the time and so was I. We dated, became close friends, made it exclusive (for a short-time) and then decided to end it because she moved over 1,000 miles across the U.S. because she was losing her place and I wasn't in the position to offer more in the hopes she'd stay. Even at that I'm not sure we were even ready for that. So she moved on..

We've been very good friends since then and I've always felt a genuine mutual connection mentally and emotionally between us. We both grew up with similar disadvantages regarding family, mistakes we made, and how we've endured those times. This obviously is what connected us to begin with.. Well, now that you know how we feel about each other let's get to the issue I'm dealing with at hand...

 

We haven't kept in touch too much as of late. It must have been 5-6 months since I heard from her (until a few days ago). In my eyes this wasn't a big deal because I didn't think I had feelings for her still and figured she was reaching out to catch up or ask for life advice (which I usually give myself, yet ironically I'm here), especially since she's a married woman and all. I thought life was treating her good...

 

Apparently her husband (who she has only been married to for like 9 months I think) has a bad drug addiction that lead to him being incarcerated 4 times within a 9 month period. She is emotionally abused, stuck living with him and his parents, and can't even go to her own family over there because they also deal with drug addictions, and to make matters worse they steal her hard-earned money through manipulation, and her living in this circle of depression and anxiety is the unfortunate result of those currently around her. She can't escape...

 

Now that you have some background on her personal situation and how I feel about her, maybe you'll be able to put yourself in my shoes here. She messaged me a few days ago telling me that she was moving back (where I am).. We've been talking on the phone the past few days and I feel something building up between us again, but this time it is obviously different. She's married but says he wants nothing to do with her. She admitted to me that before the marriage happened she cheated on him. At that time he was in jail, and presumably with the mindset of not wanting to lose her, so even though she f***ed up he still asked her the big question. Now that they have their differences he has destroyed her name and reputation by blasting it to everyone in their own little world that she's basically just a 'hoe'..

 

I don't feel it's my place to get involved there, but I can recognize why she did what she did (he neglected her and was emotionally abusive and controlling). Although there is NO excuse for cheating I have personally seen what an unrequited relationship can do to someone. This was an imperfect relationship and neither person was responsible or sensible enough to work through it. I don't feel like they want to make it work as much as they want to hold up their pride, essentially.

 

My fear is that she's looking for a way out and I am an easy target. She knows how I feel and can easily manipulate me to get what she wants. But I tried to think... What could she want??? A friend!? I'm hoping so... I've always been a friend first for her and I would hate to ruin that. She wants me to meet her at the airport in 2 days. When on the phone she constantly seeks reassurance I'll be there and doesn't believe things will be okay; because she'll be making the move with around $2,000 and what she's got in her duffel bags. Just when I thought she could be using me, she wanted me to book a room for her online since her apartment won't be ready until the next day. She was comfortable enough to give me her personal banking info over the phone, which made me feel like a D**k for thinking she may be taking advantage of my kindness. Especially since we haven't talked in forever and last she knew me I had a gambling addiction that was spiraling downward quick.

 

I don't know guys...and girls!... It gets worse! She texted me tonight randomly, and said she was scared and didn't want to be alone. I opened up a little and basically told her she'll be fine, I'll be in her corner, and not to stress, etc.. etc.. She responded with "I love you".... I didn't reply right away because I was scared... I ended up saying "at least someone still does I love you too *her name*"... I do love her, but I'm hoping this was more of an 'I love you' like you'd say to a friend when they're there for you throughout a tough situation. can I be IN love with her? Is it wrong because she's married? Wait!! it gets worse!!! ... She also asked me to spend the night with her in her hotel room when she arrives in 2 days. She says because she doesn't want to be alone. Can you believe this? This sounds too good to be true, and mama always said.. when it sounds too good it most likely is. Could this be a least likely incident occurring in my waking life? One I will regret. Or maybe I'm over-thinking because I've been single for 3 years since she left. Maybe I need to just keep being that good friend, and take control of this relationship by building a foundation first and taking it slow.. Sheesh, I dunno...

 

I do love her. I would love for there to be a romantic future. ...... .. . .... ... The last thing I told her was that she needed to trust me completely (in the fact that I'd be at the airport for her). Her response was "I love you". Maybe I should heed my own advice and trust her too? ... Now she's got ME scared. Oh no, what have I done? What is your perspective on this ordeal? Have you been through this? Know someone who has? I'd like to see what people think here...

 

Thanks for your thoughts in advance!

AnonymousHell

[JohnnyW]

The fact that she’s married isn’t really the issue here ... unless you’re religious, then it might be somewhat of a problem. If she’s being honest with you she is really not in that relationship anymore emotionally, or physically. You’re right in the fact that she is seeking you out because you are just that, a way out.

 

I would proceed very cautiously, because she sounds like a damn mess. Are you ready for a messy life yourself? If the answer is ‘I don’t care,’ then go for it brother. If not, proceed with caution. If I were you, I would be the friend you have always been. Be there for her in that way until the dust clears.

[AnonymousHell]

Johnny,

 

Thanks a lot for your input. I'm not religious so I can agree with your first point completely. I kind of was leaning towards the fact that I may be a way out, but she literally has ZERO friends and family aside from me. I'm not only a way out but I'm the ONLY person she can turn to in this dusty world she created for herself. Now I think I may be facing the dilemma of how I can still be there for her as a friend until the 'dust clears', but without ruining a possible long-term future. Because I've now made up my mind to not go back to that Hotel with her (although I will be there when she lands because I feel she needs that). I also DO care about whether my life is messy or not because I just got out of a bad rut myself (financial). I suppose I cannot disagree with your closing statement, and I'll take it that's from personal experience of some similar sort.

 

Thanks so much!

[Snny]

Apparently her husband (who she has only been married to for like 9 months I think) has a bad drug addiction that lead to him being incarcerated 4 times within a 9 month period. She is emotionally abused, stuck living with him and his parents, and can't even go to her own family over there because they also deal with drug addictions, and to make matters worse they steal her hard-earned money through manipulation, and her living in this circle of depression and anxiety is the unfortunate result of those currently around her. She can't escape...

Yes she can escape. It's called divorce. She also can go to a women's shelter and seek social AND legal services to help her get out of that marriage. She can also get a restraining order on her husband because of his criminal record. And from there she should be contacting her family.

 

There are options available and she has to take that first step. And if she married him knowing there were drug issues, then that is on her. Hat is a choice she's made and has to accept her own accountability. She shouldn't have gone through with the marriage.

 

Don't let her fool you into thinking that you have to save her. You live long-distance, dude.

 

She's married but says he wants nothing to do with her. She admitted to me that before the marriage happened she cheated on him.

NOPE NOPE NOPE. Do not get involved with her until she does the right thing and she finalizes the divorce. She's trying to appeal to your "white knight" senses to "come rescue her." This is a classic, manipulative tactic that MANY cheaters use to convince the other person that cheating is justified. It never is.

 

At that time he was in jail, and presumably with the mindset of not wanting to lose her, so even though she f***ed up he still asked her the big question. Now that they have their differences he has destroyed her name and reputation by blasting it to everyone in their own little world that she's basically just a 'hoe'.

Oh whatever. Yeah he got into drugs and has a problem, but the blame on destroying a marriage isn't entirely on him. She also shares the responsibility by chosing to cheat and sleep with another man. How is THAT her husband's fault? He has a drug problem. He needs therapy/counseling. But that doesn't give her the right to stay married and deceive her husband. If she loved him she should be supporting him to stay off the drugs... Or leave.

 

She's straight up a back stabber and wants to blame someone else for her decision? Um, no.

 

My fear is that she's looking for a way out and I am an easy target. She knows how I feel and can easily manipulate me to get what she wants. But I tried to think... What could she want??? A friend!?

So you know what she is doing is manipulative. You know she is seeking attention from you.

 

What she is doing is not seeking an authentic friendship... She's planning to cheat, and you are enabling her to do so by staying connected with her. You live on the other side of the continent. You are in NO position to help her. Advise her to contact a counseling office, a local government agency that offers services for women and do not feed into it anymore. Do NOT get into her past problems. You are NOT a therapist and she should not be treating you as such. She is an adult and is capable of making her own decisions as a woman. If she flirts, it's time to block her.

[WasCallingAll]

Sounds to me like you are walking into a HORNET'S NEST!! Seriously! Drug addiction & abuse on both sides of her family? I know you want to be her friend, but she sounds like she just wants to "run away". And that's something that she simply cannot do, because "wherever you go, there you are." She'll STILL have ALL her problems, BUT...now YOU will too. Take a GIANT step back and think about that. Her ex is gonna go nuts when she leaves...he'll be calling & texting, wanting to know where she is, and WITH WHO! Her family will want to know too. I know your intentions are good, but this sounds like you might be biting off more than you can chew. She wants you to be her "knight in shining armor"...can you do that? Can you make ALL her problems go away? Think about it...all the best to you.

 

PS: WHAT SNNY WROTE ABOVE IS SPOT ON!!

[ThatwasThen]

This has total codependent relationship written all over it. You will do what you want no matter what you hear in your thread. The easiest thing will guide you instead of listening to your gut and your common sense. She is setting you up to be her soft place to land the same day she lands in your city... and frankly, she's wasting her money on a hotel. Why not just let her stay at yours and start the dysfunction upon her arrival? You enable her to jump from one dysfunction into another where she never learns how to be independent, confident, happy in her own skin if you let this transpire the way I predict that it will.

[catfeeder]

I don't feel it's my place to get involved there,

 

...and what should this tell you? If you want to play out some kind of rescuer fantasy to someone you only developed 'feelings' for after she was gone and married, you can do that--it's not against the law. It just pulls you into someone else's drama and manipulation games for what purpose?

 

The woman is fully capable of learning and growing in the ways she needs to learn and grow. She may not 'like' that at the moment, but stepping in to tinker in her process can only serve as a bandaid to cover an infection. And bandaids are disposable.

 

Think.

[willdation]

I would stay away until she gets a divorce. You do realize that getting close like that and trying to steal another man's wife could actually get you killed? If the guy has drug problems there is NO way to predict how he could react, especially when high, angry, and nothing to loose.

 

Even though I did Muay Thai and boxing for about 15 years and trained with 3 UFC fighters, I would still not put myself in a situation like that.....

 

Last thing I need is some angry, coked out husband on a drug-fueled psychotic rampage showing up at my place at 6:00 am waving a gun at me for hooking up with his wife....

 

No thanks.

[abitbroken]

I cannot add anything to what Snny wrote, because she is spot on.

 

But i will reiterate ---SHE IS MARRIED -- it doesn't matter if you are religious or not religious. Married is married. If you don't respect someone's marriage, what does that say about your feelings of commitment. Do not rescue her. You say she wants you to book HER a hotel room with your credit card and wonder "what ever does she want with me?"" Seriously you don't know? Someone pops up in your life out of the blue again and wants you to do something financial for them? Tell her that if she moves here you will not be dating her or helping her. That you recommend she calls a family member and do not answer further contact. Sorry, its harsh, but for your own good