tonight's realization: looks and sex ... can anyone relate?

[mick8888]

so i'm having my good days and bad days, but this weekend has been a good one, with a fair amount of soul-searching, and i've really come to the realization that the things i mainly miss about my ex are the physical ones (essentially that she's very beautiful and the sex was dynamic). she's a fun person sometimes, and into cool stuff, but personality-wise the mood swings and the selfishness and the lack of responsibility and some of the other things outweighed that. and yet even though all of those things made themselves evident in the relationship somewhat early on, i stayed anyways, until she dumped me. i shouldn't have been surprised that that happened, and in all honesty the relationship should have ended sooner than the approximately 2.5 years it lasted, but i see now, crystal clear, that i was hanging onto her because she made me feel better about myself in that i was like, "wow, a really attractive woman is in love with me and wants me, and it will never get this good again ..."

 

i know that seems shallow, but i definitely have self-esteem/confidence issues, and when someone who is practically the girl of your dreams wants to be with you, you can't help but feel a lot better about yourself. and then, of course, after she dumped me i started feeling like i was no good again. and now that she's with someone else, for a little bit there i was thinking, "well, i'm sure she's found someone way more handsome, in better shape, etc. etc." and feeling really jealous and awful. but now i'm really understanding that i need to take care of myself, hit the gym and get back in shape, and just build up my confidence from within ... that's the only way to have a healthy relationship that's based on so many things. i'm not saying i only loved her for her looks, there are good things about her beyond that that i was initially attracted to, but i think in being honest with myself that's the main thing that i am feeling bad about at the moment. and now that i've realized that that is NOT something worth holding on to pain and misery about, it's making me feel a lot better. looks and sex are only a part of the equation, and when there's other problems in the relationship, those two things cannot save it or outweigh those issues.

 

anyways, does this all make sense? has anyone gone through this and can relate to my thought process tonight?

[Sn0man]

Yes, what you said makes sense. When we find people who we *think* are too good for us, it boosts our self confidence. When that person makes you feel good about yourself, you become more secure and even more confident with yourself. When these things are taken away, there is a natural withdrawl, wanting to hear them say the things they used to say that made you feel good about yourself. Theres the feeling of self-worthlessness and self pity. However, I think you're byond that and have come to realize you're worth more than you think. You obvioulsy know the situation wasn't right for you and that is a sign of moving on. It takes time to get comfortable with yourself, but it sounds liike you'll be just fine.

 

take care

[nikhilgore]

I just wanted you to know that I pratically went through the same thing that I went through. I mean I was reading this post and it was exactly what I went though (past and present). I just wanted you to know that there are many people in the same shoes as us and its all part of the learning process.

[ufoureah]

My gf of 16 months has moved in 4 months ago with her 14 year old daughter. After long struggles to get the kid on track our love/sex life has deteriorated from 4 days a week to maybe one and ultimately 1 in the last month. She is absolutely gorgeous but as well as your g/f she is moody, rude, needs to go to sleep at 10 . sex is not a priority anymore. I made a terrible mistake last Thursday (3 days ago). I thought the mood was right and I askd to make love and she said no again after 2 weeks of rejection. she says she needs everything to be perfect, but then said oh well go ahead I'll just fantasize about someone else like I have the last 2 times we had sex. I mean I was crushed and one can only take rejection so much. To make a long story short I was upset and we got into an argument and she wanted to walk away as she usually does and I grabbed her arm and pulled her into bed. She was swinging her arms and I restrained her so she would not hurt me or herself. I now am labeled as an abuser and she is leaving me in 5 days.

Iam crushed. I cannot believe that happened. It was so fast and totally a mistake. I can see why many people are called abusers. I have never done anything like this b4 and it is like a bad dream I need to wake up from. Well she is moving out and her kid knows what happened. Iam the jerk. So here Iam totally baffled, yes I made a mistake and Iam thinking I was wrong, now that I know I cannot take rejection from someone who wanted me so much, and iam totally crazy about, because like you, she really made me feel good about myself. The bad thing is she is still in my house in another room waiting to move out. She is afraid to hug me, If I stand too close she moves away. it is a tremendous heartbreak for me. but I know I made a mistake. Iam going to miss only the sex and her hands touching me and her playing with my feet. I really must say your post is really helping me deal with this right now. It makes so much sense. iam suffering from low self esteem and I need to get back in shape and forget about this woman, we had nothing in common. We are each others extreme opposite. She doesn't like to travel, is very simple and has horrible table manners. I love to travel, like a more rich life and tablemanners are very important to me. I love to do stuff, she is glued to the TV. why did i obsess over her. Because she made me feel good about myself. It was like a drug and I was addicted to her. thank you so much for your post. Iam hoping I can deal better with the fact that she will be gone in 5 days. How will I deal with never having her touch me again is another story. I need a beautiful woman by my side to be attracted to me.

How am i going to deal with the fact that she will never love me again

D

[troutboy]

I simply cannot believe how similar our situations are. I am hurting still over my beautiful ex, and we had the best sex life imaginable... like yours there were good times but ohhhh sooo moody and inconsiderate to my feelings at times. She has just got back together with her ex after our 1 year relationship and it soooo hurts to hear. I also need to take a long hard look at what I saw in her - so please help me with how to overcome this! I am now with someone else but i cannot stop thinking about my ex, we work together and it's hard.

 

I find myself constantly asking her round for a drink, the other night we got drunk, made love and it was fantastic... and I so want to do it again as much as it's killing me inside. I wonder how the new (old ex) will fare - I can honestly say I hope it doesn't work out for them. How do you get through this... I know I am shallow!!!

[mick8888]

yeah, it took me a little while to really admit to myself and accept that i stayed in this relationship for mainly physical reasons. i think that if i'm being totaly honest with myself, my line of thinking was basically: okay, this girl is absolutely beautiful, the most beautiful girl i've ever been in a relationship, the sex is amazing, she's into cool music and is creative and we have this special connection, and yet even though she's got these issues and can be selfish and irresponsible etc., that can all be worked out over time or she'll grow beyond that stuff as she gets older. that last italicized part is the kicker, because i see now that she hasn't changed, and it's highly unlikely she ever will, and you can't hope or expect people will defy the patterns and habits they've established for themselves, and even love and a strong bond can't change that. i have no doubt she loved me at some point, but all that other stuff was too hard to overcome, and i really should have seen it coming. i mean, i knew about her past couple of relationships and how they ended (essentially the same way as ours, although she hates her previous ex's and still wants to be friends with me). i also know that she can't keep a job for any length of time, didn't stay in college, can't see any project or idea through to completion, etc. those things were absolute signs that we wouldn't stick together, and yet i kept fooling myself into thinking it would work out, and much of that was because i didn't wanna let go of this girl i thought was so beautiful and ideal. now i know better. it doesn't make the pain go away entirely, not by any means, BUT it does feel a bit better putting it in perspective and understanding that there is so much more i need from a relationship. sure, i want to be with a beautiful woman, who doesn't? but when the rest is rough and frustrating, that doesn't make up for it. i think that when i improve myself physically (i'm not a TROLL, but i'm not happy with my appearance, mostly weight-related) and perhaps get more attention from women, it will make me understand even more that i was in this for the wrong reasons. there are attractive women out there who are cool and well-adjusted and better relationship material who i'm bound to meet sooner or later. i'm confident about myself in other ways, so i think it will all work out for the best in the long run. it's hard now, because i do miss the little things about my ex, too -- she could be very sweet and funny and such, but when things were bad, oh maaaaaaan they were bad. so i always have to keep that in mind.

 

anyways, i'm up at almost 5 a.m. right now because i'm heading to the gym in about an hour -- starting my new fitness program today, the first day on my road to improving myself and trying to match what i am on the outside with what i am on the inside. i've been down in the dumps for so long, and now i'm finally seeing and understanding things -- where i've been, how i've felt, and what i need to do. it's not easy to be totally honest with yourself and really admit to yourself how you felt and what your mistakes were, but that's part of the process and hopefully it gets better from here. if anyone is reading this right now and feeling bad about their own similar situation, trust me, i've felt as low or lower than you do, and it's getting better bit by bit, and in the long run will be one of the best things that happens to me.[/i]

[Wimpy]

Mick

 

Thanks for your post - I really related. I've just been dumped by a guy (it's day 15) that I loved to distraction. He was everything I ever wanted in a guy and he repaid my love, help, support and friendship by ending things between us in an EMAIL! He moved back home overseas after being here studying. We'd been together 2 years and I was due to go and visit in 10 days when the e-mail arrived. He did, however, say he'd still like to see me as a friend! I've been off work ever since and this weekend I was sooooooo low I wanted to, quite literally, die.

 

However, I have to accept that there were things about him (most notably the heartless and callous way in which he ended things) that I didn't like but I was blinded by my love.

 

I'm mid-30's and he was gorgeous, intelligent and we shared a lot of things in common.

 

However I have major self-esteem/self-confidence issues and I'm worried that perhaps he was my chance at happines.....what if I never meet someone like that again? However, today I'm wondering if perhaps being alone is preferable to being with someone who doesn't really love you the way you deserve to be loved???

 

I don't know. The hurt I feel is so huge I know I'll never fully recover.

[spanglish]

Mick,

 

Your situation is also similar to mine, beautiful girl, great sex, she was like a cute little kitten but boy could she change in an instant.

 

Its been 3 weeks since she left, for good, I still think about her loads and wonder what she's doing and who she's with.

[brando]

Well, i guess im a memeber of the same club. Same details as the other members.

 

I wonder sometimes if that is why some people are more physicaly beautiful than others, to make up for what is lacking inside???

 

Their is a big ocean out their, they were only one fish.

 

Besides, we had what their new partners now have, do we honestly believe thier new relationship is any better?????

 

I dont.

[mick8888]

 

Besides, we had what their new partners now have, do we honestly believe thier new relationship is any better?????

 

I dont.

 

 

i know what you mean. as bad as i feel for thinking it, because deep down i do care about my ex and want her to be happy, i'm pretty certain she hasn't resolved any of her issues and thus the new guy gets the gift of all her problems and craziness that she used to give to me. so in a way it balances out the fact that he gets to sleep with her now. it's natural to think that your ex's are sooo much happier with their new mate than they were with you, and i'm sure that at the beginning they feel that magical "new love" thing, but then the honeymoon is over and their true selves come out and they inflict the same pain on others that they did with us. so i guess a year or two from now, if not sooner, her new guy will be in the same place as i am now, and she'll be back to square one, and hopefully i will have had enough time to heal and i'll end up being the happiest of the three of us. i know i shouldn't concern myself with her and her relationship, but sometimes you need these kinds of thoughts to give yourself a little bit of comfort, like when you're laying there in the dark, unable to sleep because you're thinking about her with someone else.