Too focused on being an individual?

[lj404]

Pretty much a friend of mine since high school (I'll call him Todd) and I got into a heated argument almost leading to a fight. It started back in college when I got drunk and slept with a fat chick (not my proudest moment). Apparently he found out from her friend. Tod's the type of person to want to know everything about everyone else but doesn't want anyone to know anything about him. So the entire time he kept calling me to get me to talk to him about it which was weird as hell. Now I wouldn't have minded it but I had just woke up and hadn't got to that point where I felt comfortable talking about it yet (one of those too soon moments you see in movies.) Nonetheless I would of joked about it when I got over it. But he keeps trying to figure out why. One day a mutual friend invites me over and we sit down. I see him there and he keeps asking me about that night over and over again and I told him I didn't want to talk about it. Mainly, because I feel like he just wants to know to be nosey. So we get into an argument and stop hanging around each other. The mutual friend(I'll call him chris). Tries to get us back cool and after a few months things are fine.

 

So we hang out and chris is kind of depressed (his mother died) and he wasn't quite ready to speak on it. Tod starts hounding him to tell him what's wrong consistently before I stepped in and told him to chill. After a while things are. fine. Tod and I are kicking it usually going to the bars to watch games but after a while he starts kinda of acting like an ass. First, he starts getting annoyed cause we'd go to strip clubs and I wouldn't talk to any of the strippers for him. And when things didn't go his way whenever we'd hang in groups he'd just go home. At this point is when I started to notice something was wrong with him and I didn't know how to deal with it because this is something I only dealt with dating a crazy girlfriend. The final straw came when we almost got into a fight in a parking lot. He starts accusing me of making fun of him behind his back and that he's never done that to me (which is a lie I heard him talking in the mirror to himself about me and chris how he was better than us, I also find out he slept with a fat chick also a year before I did it.) He then says that he's tired of walking on eggshells around me and that I hold grudges (even though he'd hold in stuff he felt about me all the time.) I've done it too but only because I didn't want to falsely accuse him and judge him off one thing like he's done to me, half the time I'd be wrong and just keep it moving. Lastly, during the argument I told him that he needs help and needs to stop worrying so much about what people think of him and he told me "I'm so focused on being an individual that I don't realize the harm I'm doing to others." To sum up this story I don't know what that means. The only thing I take from it is maybe he wanted me to be like him or something because it seemed like he was angry at me but didn't know how to show it. So instead he'd throw things in my face. When I was depressed and went out to try to feel better with the group he started acting like he was depressed for about a month.

 

 

After that day we stopped hanging. Chris tried to get us to talk again but when I told Tod about him not holding himself accountable for his actions, Todd just shook his head got up and left the table and since then we don't hang. So I ask what's with this guy? To be honest I initially thought he was gay to be honest, but maybe that's a childish way of looking at it I'm 23 now btw.

[j.man]

I'm officially dead.

[IAmFCA]

ack! paragraphs!

[lj404]

sorry I'm new to all of this.

[pippy longstocking]

when I got drunk and slept with a fat chick (not my proudest moment)

 

I was trying to ignore this but I can't ... it is just disgusting

[SweetGirl28]

Immaturity comes to mind when I read this.

Hopefully you all grow out of it.

[lj404]

I mean we're all kids fresh out of college so if it's immaturity then it makes sense. It's not like we're 40 something I know definitely I have a lot to learn in life. I'm by no means perfect and would try to be.

[lj404]

That was the reason I kind of held myself accountable for the gay comment I made at the time. I'm just telling it like it happened so if I'm wrong don't just get mad and say "I couldn't get through this story" tell me I'm wrong isn't that what this is for? Actually read the story and say "hey(my name is leonard btw) leonard you messed up here here and here."

[SherrySher]

Okay..can you please stop being awful and name calling? You don't ever need to call someone fat or gay or criticize or judge to the degree that you do. People are human beings and you're no better than any of them or visa versa, but first and foremost, stop the name calling and looking down on others.

And if your friends talk and act this way...you need new friends asap.

 

But I do appreciate that you're trying to get feedback because you want to understand and hopefully, want to be a better man.

[IAmFCA]

Okay..can you please stop being awful and name calling? You don't ever need to call someone fat or gay or criticize or judge to the degree that you do. People are human beings and you're no better than any of them or visa versa, but first and foremost, stop the name calling and looking down on others.

And if your friends talk and act this way...you need new friends asap.

 

But I do appreciate that you're trying to get feedback because you want to understand and hopefully, want to be a better man.

 

I remember walking across my cillege campus and uaibg "gay" as a general derogative. it had not ever occurred to me that it waa related to the word "gay" as for homosexual, or even "gay" for cheerful. My friend corrected me. We are both hetero women; we were friends with a gay guy and would sometimes visit his group house - all guys, all gay.

 

I understand how in college people don't take language seriously. Trust me, its serious. How you speak will impact who dates you, sexes you up, marries you, networks for you, hires you. Retarded, gay, , ghetto... many words you will want to replace with more meaningful vocabulary.

 

On this same vein, curse words are also best replaced. Not because they offend (sometimes they do), but because they are lazy. Our languages are rich with synonyms that work nicely in their stead.

[IAmFCA]

As to your question... Todd is a tool. But the whole friend dynamic sounds pretty young for 23.

 

I get the thing about being loyal to your crew and I'm still tight with my elementary school squad. So don't talk bad about Todd or ice him, but don't hang so much either.

 

Begin to develop friends who help raise your standards for yourself. You've got plans in life? How you spend your time now will impact how you are living 10 and 20 years from now. Your friends are hanging in strip bars and watching the games on tv at night. If you want to be the same guy in 25 years (but in worse health), then keep don't what you're doing. If you want to be ripped, athletic, smart, and with money for dates and vacation and cars and kids... then drop the beer and tv habit and replace it with the gym and a night class, 2nd job, or hobby (anything - pottery to guitar lessons to spanish language to engine mechanics to sailing...)

 

You will instantly discover friends who have much more respect for one another and themselves.

[SherrySher]

Also, please try to focus more on being a gentleman. That might sound lame to you, but trust me, it's important and it will affect many areas in your life.

You want to be better in this life and a better man so meet each situation acting like a gentleman and it will steer you in a better direction. Right now you seem to be floating more towards foolishness and it won't ever bring you anything good.

[caro33]

Hi Leonard, I think you've heard good feedback.

I'm not quite sure what your concern is about his 'individual' statement. He may just be saying that he thinks differently from you.

I know you are young, but your whole style in that first post was really bad. This isn't the place to start on about fat chicks and strip clubs. You sound much younger than 23 and you sound like you don't really respect other people, particularly women. You might want to look at that.

[IAmFCA]

We tend to behave towards ourselves in ways that are similar to how we behave towards others. For this reason, I have less respect for people who are nosey, any kind of ~ist, rude, etc. Not because I am offended but because I see it all as a lack of self respect.

 

Men who try to entice me with their body, money - they objectify themselves. Its a way of saying, Who I am is not enough. A man debases himself looking at naked women performing in an overtly sexual manner. He and the dancer are complicit in each others baseness. Again, it isnt inherently bad. Sometimes its what we want to do, something disrespecful. Its a self destructive impulse, were human, there are other dynamics in play. But every night in a bar, strip club, it isnt productive, not even socially. waste of time, and thats disrespectful to yourself

[SherrySher]

Beautifully said, IAM.

[IAmFCA]

Beautifully said, IAM.

 

thank you!

[lj404]

Thanks for the advice even though there's some slight judgements. First off I was young and still am I'm working on things and trying. I told the story without holding back. Secondly, I only went to the strip club twice that year for b days to be honest I hated it and hated that he got mad at me for wanting to talk to strippers I thought it was weird that's why I put that part in there not for it to be blown out of proportion and people to tell me I need to find god that's not the point I was trying to make. I never said I enjoyed going at all. I can sort of understand people being uncomfortable but it's what happened. Maybe the fat chick thing was mean and I'm not proud for getting drunk and sleeping with a girl because I was insecure. Anyway, the bar thing I slowed down on after our friendships . Yes I've gotten a hobby and started to focus on other things. You people act like a person can do no wrong.

[caro33]

Not really. Maybe there was a miscommunication though.

But the fat chick thing as a central part of the story pretty much tuned your audience here to reduce any empathy. It's the fact that you used these words and made it clear that it was a shameful act that you could hold over one another. This just isn't the place.

It also wasn't really clear what you were asking. Do you want to narrow that part down a bit and you might get different advice?