Please help. Boyfriend lied to me.

[Reveltron]

Hi, I am looking for insight. My boyfriend is a very upbeat and social type of guy. We live together, travel together but also do our own thing. We have been dating for 2 years and earlier this year his sister unfortunately passed away tragically. This understandably was devastating to him. When I tried to comfort him he often became distant. Again, understandable. I wanted so badly to help him but what could I possibly say? After many failed attempts at trying to ease his pain I decided to let him grieve alone. I knew it would be hard but I was willing to endure whatever came our way. A bit after that he began hanging with a friend he says he had somewhat of a history with. I found it odd but was cool with it because he has many female friends that I have met and befriended. Thing was,he did't make an effort to introduce us. I actually met her by accident when I was at a bar they were walking into. But I was content for a while until I started noticing his behavior change. He started to hide the fact that they hung out (which was more often than I thought), or lie about where he was when he met up with her. When I angrily expressed how it was inappropriate and made me uncomfortable he admitted that the reason he hung out with her so much was because she had a similar experience recently happen to her, and thus it made them close. He tells me that he doesn't cheat and that he loves me, she can just relate. I accept this and he now lets me know if they are together when I ask. But recently he did something that rubbed me the wrong way. We had planned to go to his cousins wedding a few months ago up north. But as the date grew closer he started to convince me to stay behind since it would most likely be to short of a trip(3 days). I reluctantly agreed and he leaves for the airport. A little over a week goes by and he hasn't come back, and when I can get in touch with him it's for no more than 5 min through messenger. I ask if he is still up North to which he responds "no" and I don't hear back for a while. The way I find out where he is is through a friend of ours who came over asking why I did't go to Europe with my bf. Hearing this made me livid, and worse still I find out it's with the friend he has been hanging with. The next time I can reach him I ask where he is and he says Berlin and he comes back in a couple of days. This is where you guys come in. This isn't like him, I know he is struggling with recent tragic events but this seems like a very disrespectful move. Not only did he blatantly lie, but now I look stupid in front of everyone we know. Am I wrong to be upset even though he insists they are platonic friends and I've never caught him cheating. Sometimes I feel like I basically taught him to lie to me since I get uncomfortable when he mentions them hanging out. The pain and stress I'm feeling is very real and I want to give him the benefit of a doubt, but I don't have much to work with. Like I said, no problem with him having female friends, but to spend that much time alone with one looks sketchy. Maybe I am overeating and looking too much into it. Either way I am very unsure about how to handle this but I know a long conversation will be had.

[glitterfingers]

I'm not sure if you will have a long conversation. He sounds like he is actually cheating on you, at least emotionally. You say his behaviour has changed, he's been seeing this girl secretively and often, he uninvited you to a family event and then went overseas with her without telling you where he was going, and he's barely been in contact about it... Do those sound like the actions of an honest and faithful partner?

 

I would be very inclined to believe his relationship with this girl is much more than platonic, and likely has become physical. His grieving is not an excuse for the fact that he is disrespecting your comfort and trust by developing an inappropriate relationship with a member of the opposite sex (it's inappropriate because he's been secretive and gone overseas with her)

 

At this point you need to ask yourself whether you can afford to continue trusting him as much as you've chosen to. I'm not sure I would be able to continue in this relationship unless my partner were willing to significantly reduce contact with the other woman and agree to be a lot more forthcoming with me.

[Starlight925]

He's lying to you and he's got you feeling insecure and questioning yourself. So you're sitting at home, afraid to ask questions, and he's off doing.....whatever.....with this girl. Yet he's become so good at the lies that you are thinking you are a bad person for even thinking about this.

 

This is twisted. Blame-shifting. He's cheating on you, I'm sorry to say. You are well within your rights to be upset and move on from him. Which he would twist into you leaving him because of his sister's death, and that you just can't "handle" it well, but we all know the truth.

[1a1a]

Wow.

 

I know you said you could be patient and wait but he's being Very selfish. It's one thing to need time to yourself, it's another thing to ditch your partner in favour of an emotional connection with someone else. I'm really really sorry this has happened. Agree with the others, might be time to walk.

[Isiong]

This relationship sounds over to me tbh, I've broken up with men over much less. I'm really sorry you're going though this but you can't use his sister's death as an excuse to let him carry on disrespecting you. Once respect is gone, it's all lost in my opinion.

[MissCanuck]

I am sorry OP, but it seems pretty clear that your boyfriend is cheating.

 

Grieving is not a reason or a justification for the blatant disrespect your boyfriend is showing you. You have been very patient and sympathetic, but you also need to have a boundary. He is trampling all over it. I know first-hand the effect grief can have on a person, and it does indeed turn your world upside down. But you are not over-reacting by being upset about a lie of this magnitude. He is actively deceiving you in order to spend time with another girl. That is plain wrong and unacceptable, under any circumstances.

 

I think you are going to find that unfortunately your relationship is coming to an end.

[Reveltron]

Thanks for the honesty everyone. I have been preparing myself to leave and it hasn't been easy. Trouble eating, sleeping ect. but you are right he is emotionally distant. And like a fool I told him I trusted him and know he will make the right choices while there. But I should just accept facts.

[MissCanuck]

Emotionally distant is an understatement, OP.

 

He is lying and cutting himself off from you. You aren't a fool for trying to trust him - that's normal in a relationship. But he has violated that in a very serious way. To me, his behavior would be a deal-breaker. I think he might be headed toward ending it himself anyway, to be honest.

 

I am sorry you're dealing with this.