Should I end a "friendship" of 9 years?

[Loralora]

I have a friend that I have known for 9years now.

 

The first 4 years were fine then things got complicated.

 

She would take my words the wrong way and would imply that I am saying things to hurt her on purpose. Or not think about her enough. Or do things just in spite of her. We kind of got over that after years of arguing and started to rebuild our friendship.

 

We used to have classes each day together, but now we don't see each other very often.

 

I just graduated from medical school, and she said we needed to go out and celebrate. I said I would love to.

 

She called, we went to a night out. She took her sister along. Since we don't see each other as often anymore, we didn't have many things to say.

 

She knows almost everything about me. About my boyfriend, family and many other things. Once I started asking her about her life and if she is going out with guys. She said she did go out with someone but it wasn't important enough to keep on seeing him.

 

So I was like ow who was he, what college did he go into? Why didn't you continue seeing him? And she was like ow it was nothing important I'd rather not talk about it. So she keeps all kinds of secrets from me and I keep nothing from her.

 

Well I stopped insisting on who he was. And since there was nothing to talk about I just asked her what is it that she really likes or look for in guys. All of sudden her sister jumped and said "Look you don't need to treat us like we know anything about dating, that is disrespectful" "we don't need you to teach us".

 

I said I am not teaching you, I am just making conversation. And then I said do you just want me to sit here and talk about nothing and just stare at you, because obviously the conversation is lagging and I don't know what else to talk about. I tols her sister she doesn't need to play the advocate becausw her sister is not a victim.

 

Eventhough my friend knew her sister was wrong she took her side.

 

This is not the first time they do this to me. I am just tired. Everytime I tried to help her or make conversation, they took it the wrong way.

 

If she really was my friend she wouldn't be ofended if I ask about her life.

 

This is like the feather on the camels back...I'm just tired.

 

I told them I am tired of being misinterpreted and that we don't need to continue seeing each other anymore if they take everything I say as a negative..

 

Plus it was my graduation a special occasion, I even payed for all the drinks. They should have had a consideration about the reason we went out before they ruend the night!!

 

P.s. Their dad and brother are war victims so they have a kind of attitude like the whole world owes them something. The consideration I had for their tragedy has kept me friends with them so long. But I just can't take it anymore !!

 

Just because they have gone through a tragedy doesn't mean I have to take all this bull anymore!

 

Are they wrong or am I wrong? My friend didn't drink at all, her sister had only one glass of wine, I had a beer and a glass of wine. So alcohol didn't play a role.

 

Thanks!

[ThatwasThen]

Without being there and hearing your voice inflection and whether or not you sounded like you were writing a book about their romantic life or something its hard to say who was right or who was wrong.

 

Its not important really knowing who was right or who was wrong, I don't think this is a matter of right or wrong to begin with but rather a matter of you out-growing the friendship and it's probably the proper thing to have ended it... particularly if you barely see each other to the point the two of you can't keep a conversation flowing.

 

I'd not worry about not seeing this 'pal' anymore.

 

Congratulations on graduating Medical School.

[Loralora]

Thank you for your help and the congratulations.

Yeah I don't think I will ever accept an invitation from her or her sister to go out again. Nor will I ever call her to go out with me.

 

If she calls me "to see how I'm doing" I will keep it short.

[ThatwasThen]

Thank you for your help and the congratulations.

Yeah I don't think I will ever accept an invitation from her or her sister to go out again. Nor will I ever call her to go out with me.

 

If she calls me "to see how I'm doing" I will keep it short.

Sounds like a plan.

[Loralora]

I also have another question, should I delete all of the photos I have with her and her sister on facebook and instagram or keep them? We even posted one that night before all of the mess..

[ThatwasThen]

I also have another question, should I delete all of the photos I have with her and her sister on facebook and instagram or keep them? We even posted one that night before all of the mess..

 

I don't know much about facebook, I don't use it but can't you just put the pics in a file folder or something and just forget about them. I don't know about you but they're memories from the past so I'd be reluctant to just toss them.

[Pleasedonot5]

Agree with ThatwasThen.

 

As for the pictures, I'd just keep them up. No need to instigate by showing her you are taking the pictures down. Unless you are removing her as a friend too.

[Jibralta]

Can you just back off from the friendship without taking any drastic measures? For example, stop calling/texting/emailing. Respond moderately when they do. Don't make plans with them, decline most of their invitations. Let the friendship fade.

 

This way, you don't burn bridges.

[Loralora]

Agree with ThatwasThen.

 

As for the pictures, I'd just keep them up. No need to instigate by showing her you are taking the pictures down. Unless you are removing her as a friend too.

 

Yes I'll guess I'll keep them up no need to make a scene now...because by posting new ones those will be forgotten.

[Loralora]

Can you just back off from the friendship without taking any drastic measures? For example, stop calling/texting/emailing. Respond moderately when they do. Don't make plans with them, decline most of their invitations. Let the friendship fade.

 

This way, you don't burn bridges.

 

I tried backing up before without drastic measures it didn't work. I'm not saying this time I will be very drastic, but this time I will have to do some bride burning.

 

I sometimes have a feeling they keep me so they can use me. Because I have done A LOT for them. I always went out of my way to help her and her family, I feel they are never thankful. They don't deserve me anymore. They need to know that. They never did deserve me. As I said I ignored many things they said and did because of their war tragedy that our country had 15years ago, they had a very hard time without a dad, but there is no logic for me to keep up with this.

 

I don't owe them anything.

I will try to back off as nicely as possible. But the fight we had yesterday was pretty big. They know I am very furious.

 

I told them we no loger need to see each other since you take everything I say and do the wrong way..

 

Thanks everyone

[Jibralta]

I told them we no loger need to see each other since you take everything I say and do the wrong way.

 

Sounds like you've already ended things. That's fine. You just need to be strong now, and not get lured back in.

[catfeeder]

I will try to back off as nicely as possible. But the fight we had yesterday was pretty big. They know I am very furious.

 

I told them we no longer need to see each other since you take everything I say and do the wrong way.

 

There's nothing more for you to say or do other than avoid being provoked into any further argument with either of them. If your paths cross in public I'd develop a convenient case of amnesia and respond only if spoken to--as kindly as you would to a stranger. Otherwise, you have zero investment in these two as evidenced by your willingness to let them fade out previously. Just continue that fade, and recognize the futility of allowing them to lure you back in at any time in the future.

 

Despite the fact that you may not view yourself as superior to them, they do view themselves as inferior to you. THAT is why they willfully misinterpret everything you say--they are defensive. Well, you can't win with that, no matter what you do. If you offer kindness, interest, favors, drinks--anything at all, they will accept through a resentful lens that views you as treating them as pitiful. That's not about you, it's about them--but recognize that it leaves you nowhere to go but away.

 

Head high, congrAts on your graduation, and lift your focus to expand your scope of friendships to those who consider themselves to be your equal. Things will go much more smoothly, and you'll thrive for the effort.

[Loralora]

Despite the fact that you may not view yourself as superior to them, they do view themselves as inferior to you. THAT is why they willfully misinterpret everything you say--they are defensive. Well, you can't win with that, no matter what you do. If you offer kindness, interest, favors, drinks--anything at all, they will accept through a resentful lens that views you as treating them as pitiful. That's not about you, it's about them--but recognize that it leaves you nowhere to go but away.

 

Wow you have hit the bullseye with this comment. You are so right !!! I have noticed that they DO feel inferior eventhough I never gave them a reason to. IT IS about them. They have problems and issues with themselves and there is nothing I can do to fix that except keep myself away from all the stress and confusion they cause me.

 

I wish them well and I wish they sort things out but not at my expense any longer.

 

Thank you so much for your genius comment and help.

 

And thank you for the congratulations!

 

All the best

[catfeeder]

Wow you have hit the bullseye with this comment. You are so right !!! I have noticed that they DO feel inferior eventhough I never gave them a reason to. IT IS about them. They have problems and issues with themselves and there is nothing I can do to fix that except keep myself away from all the stress and confusion they cause me.

 

I wish them well and I wish they sort things out but not at my expense any longer.

 

Thank you so much for your genius comment and help.

 

And thank you for the congratulations!

 

All the best

 

You can probably mark the time when things started getting 'complicated' as coinciding with any accomplishment or ascent you made during that time. That's likely what tipped the balance and skewed their estimation of their equality with you. That's also likely when the problems began with their misinterpretations of things you've done or said.

 

You've been viewing your relationship through a historic lens of equality, while they have changed their lens. Your acceptance into medical school only compounded the problem by magnifying the gap they perceived in their self comparisons with you.

 

Head high, and it's understandable if you feel some grief about this.