4 years and miss him so much

[Flipper15]

Hi there, I have posted before but I am really struggling. So much so I've called the samartians. I am seeing my doctor and having counciling but nothing seem to be helping.

 

I know some people have answers before and been harsh 😢 It is long as well as I am dyslexic so please be considerate on spelling or language 😢 I don't feel I can talk to my family about all this and feel very alone.

 

- Ex and I are 33 and 34 from UK

 

-4 year relationship together lived together 3 1/2 years

 

-Both madly in love, he told me first, same intrests, background and morals

 

- My job takes me away from home months at a time but I have months off on leave at home and came back some weekends and he visited me at weekends at work. I was fond to give that career up once he was settled in his as he always hated me going away.

 

-He struggled with work/ career but has now got his dream career which I helped him get into.

 

- Only issue was his family who caused a lot of issues between us for a long time. I kept thing with them but the sister especially made it hard. It hurt him the rift between us but hed never say anything to them just to me which caused rows

 

- Rest of the time perfectly happy and he got along v well with my family

 

- I was diagnosed with PTSD after nearly being killed at work, my nana suddenly died as well as my friend from suicide (big shock).

 

- Ex started new career end of march which takes him away during the week home weekends

 

-Same week I burried (Easter 2017) my friend me and the ex had another huge row over his family and in my grief and confusion I told him he wasn't enough and to leave.

 

- He was very upset as was I. He came back with suitcases and packed very upset same as me moved back with his family.

 

-April and May he was horrible and kept blaming me for the split and said if didn't say what I said at Easter we would still be together.

 

-He failed some exams in training and blamed it on the break up so got more chances.

 

- I went to work and he went to house for the post and I had to tell him I wasn't there. He wasn't happy.

 

- Went to work and couldn't cope with deaths, PTSD and went back to hotel to find out he pulled the plug on the tenancy. I had to drive all the way home and leave work leaving me in big trouble. I was very ill and had to stay with mt parents and be given medication from doctor.

 

- May I go back to the house and he turned up and walked in with his key unannoced and scared me. Acted very cold and said he came for post on a Saturday night???? And to check I was ok because he had not heard from me. He was cold and distance and just kept attacking me with stuff.

 

-Go to my friends who message him and he says he still loves me and wants to sort it out because we'd been through alt together, said maybe sit down with a couples councillor, but he said he also needs to see a councillor himself. But said because of work he didn't have time. I know he's afraid to see a councillor because if he does his work will put him on RNR. But both me and his mum said he needs to see someone.

 

-He fails 3 exams on a course and calls me when manchester be bombing happened to check I was ok. Then breaks to me he failed exams and asked to meet up go to vidul together, I was too scared. But he was such a mess and I held his head up on the phone and told him not to quit.

 

-I offer to help him as I've done the same course he instead he had time with his family and friends.

 

-He goes back to work and fails the last exam and fails the whole course and gets back grounded to pass out in September not July like planned. He was very upset. I said I offered to help you.

 

-Said he missed me, misses us, had so much together, said we were too close or drift apart been through too much together, couldn't never not know me wanted to sort it or cring his eyes out. Very concerning behaviour and admitted he was cold in May to protect himself. Wanted to work it all out and work through issues as well as with work. He was a utter mess I was so concerned about him.

 

- Comes home again had a big chat with his mum who also suggested a councillor and goes back to work telling me just to be friends and maybe one day work it out but work meant then most to him right now as it was his dream career.

 

-His friend who he saw said to me he was very very upset and maybe we could work it out but that she too told him to comcedtate in career as it was his only chance to complete his dream.

 

-Then sees his friends when he's been crying to me for weeks. Saying he'll always be there for me and can always call him.

 

-Things got said and stuff misintruptated form other people too.

 

-July he said leave him alone but then turns up announced again hours later unannounced and just total confused me. Said his work was his priority and didn't want to be with anyone right now but he needed to get to know and trust me again and see what September brought but seem quite cold until I got upset when real him started to come back out. Wanted to meet me two weeks later.

 

-We had another but row and it turned nasty and he hurt me and then said this is why I can't do it. Your going to call the police ill loose my job. I thought what the hell? But now I know that he didn't like how he was being towards me as his friend said and I worry that he thinks if we sorted it out and he was like that again one day I might call them and he will loose his dream career. But I'm not like that. And now I know all the issues it just takes talkinf not screaming.

 

-Emails me on my birthday wanted to know if I was ok. Didn't know about us but could be friends but not sure about us.

 

-Next week his group pass out, his parents go down and then my workmates spotted he just joined a dating site!!! 3 months after we split after 4 years!!! A month after him crying to me!

 

- Blocked me down to email only to distance himself for work. So stupid as he was the one calling and texting me all the time. He tried everyway possible when I was at my friend's.

 

-Then I had to move out of the house remove his stuff and complete clean throughout. He didn't but help despite being home and me and my family had to do and pay for everything.

 

- I ask him to pick his stuff up he said no. I said I will put it on his parents driveway he said ok, his friend now says that it upset him....like ok the bad guy!

 

-His friend opened up to me, told me we broke because of the family stuff. Because his family mean everything and the rift was getting to him despite not me trying. She said it wasn't hurting him and I was too blindsided by my grief to recognise it! Said he didn't like how he behaved towards me over it he didn't like that side of himself being towards me. I said he's online dating she said he's not dating anyone and people do crazy stuff when they are hurt, kept asking me questions about he family and asked me why I didnt have it out with his sister and to go to his parents and alsorts. Everything he's not told me. Says he does miss the good times. She said he should sit down and speak to you but he won't and has to do it in his time. He's said he's on shutdown and on defensive mode.

 

-He's remained in touch via email and just attacks me all the time. Still blames me for the split despite him knowing his friend has told me the truth.

 

- He said I always put me friends and workmates problems before ours (he didnt commincate to me how bad he was feeling with it all).

 

-Says he passed his training now answer distanced himself from it all to concertante on it and the one ounce of doubt I had spured him on! I thought nice I've supported you throughout and got you the job!

 

-Hes blocked me on fb but kept my family and friends on there's who noticed he was putting stuff up directed at us or me and making him out to be the good guy and people to feel sorry for him.

 

-Someone said he posted "never expect too much" I confronted but him via email and he said yes I never have in any relationships. Seen as he's not been out with anyone since me it was a clear hit at me, yet I was surposed to be a mind reader. He also dropped himself in it when he emailed a screen print he took in April but I'm the friend said no no no he's stalking your page! That wasn't your profile picture back then that's been in the last two weeks! Wake up he's following you. I confronted him on email and he flipped his lid and blocked me on Facebook. Same with emailing me with 1,2,3 format.....someone said I had to tell you but he's posted that song, I confirmed him in email the next email was a normal format. A these little signs it's stupid! Why not just open up to me! Then he says he just see memories and scrolls past them....now I know he's not that type of guy he's one who thinks of memories.

 

- it's so stupid because even though I know nkw all from his friend he is still picking holes out of me. Says that I always put my friends problems before ours (he didn't communicate to me!), says I posted photos of me and my male work colleuges and it annoyed him (i work with a lot of men but they are work colleuges and he's never complained before and he's met a lot of them). Alsorts of stuff he's never told me 😢 Just blame blame blame 😢 ive taken on my faults and didn't realise stuff got to him as he didn't tell me and aakd sorry but he won't say sorry for anything 😢

 

-I've told him how ive had grief counciling, tried to better myself and work through but issues and recognised issues with us and to sit down and talk.

 

-One minute he says he may meet me but doesn't have any reason too and then he says he's won't the next he will.

 

-I drove down a 9 hour trip and he failed no to show. Emailed me then next day and said he wasn't havinf his group meal (he said only known his class 6 months) and was packing 😢

 

It's all a mess, we've seen each other twice since the split while he was training and concernyratinf on that. He keeps popping up on email but not always. He's blocked me everywhere bar small but he's also dropped himself in it that he's stalked now my fb page which he didn't when we were together.

 

It's totally out of character for him. We've had our rows yes like any couple does. But he knows now I know the real reasons from his friend. He is usuallf a very sensitive, caring, level headed, compassionate guy but he can be very stubborn and can be controlling with a temper. He's the one who said to me I will always be there even after we first split and I told him to leave me alone, he was constantly ringing and texting me. This is a guy who wanted to settle down marry and have kids and talked of that with me. Everyone we know knew we were happy together and even his friend who knows him well said I've never seen him as happy as when he was with you and I've seen girls come and go in his life. He's usually a dweller who looks at memories a lot. The smallest thing can make him cry even once when I bought him this heartfelt book he cried. He's never been like this with any ex of his. And I know he's been upset for ages after relationships in the past but he says I was the most significant one and treats me this way 😢

 

He also said to me when we split he's not the one to go out with the old in with the new and go out dating...only took him 3 months to do that 😢

 

Just a mess and he said done a total 180 and thinks he should great with his new career and been locstion seems to think he's on a role and totally forgot the girl he said neant more fhan any fiel hes been with a and talked of marriage and kids 😢

 

Ive been so ill with it all I've even called the smaratians 😢

 

I have ceased contact with him now. He's just started his job just out of trianing and will be working long 12 hour shifts just stood around doing nothing. No phone no nothing. I have experience of this type of work and often it can play with the mind. My mates hope he has a wake up call and the memories come flooding in. My workmates misses will be working with him. She said a lot of new recruits have joined and already left because why've realised it's not all it's cracked up to be after their training school and it will be like that for two years.

 

He seems to think his new career and new location is brilliant and a new life and I've just been kicked to the curb like he's in some new cult 😢

[rosephase]

Wow. I'm sorry you are struggling with this break up.

 

I mean this kindly okay?

Both of your friends are making this worse. Why are you learning so many things from your friends and his? Why was a friend involved in the argument that broke you up?

[Flipper15]

No 😢

 

When he first came home he was a utter mess I mean really really really badly. His texted were so concerning I was going to get my keys and drive down there in June. He was almost suicidal and I was so worried about him. I felt like I'd be slapped in my face because he was horrible to me but he was obviously putting up a front.

 

I messaged her then because he'd told me he'd been for a walk with her. I wanted to check he was ok, just like he'd messaged my best friend after the split. She said he was a mess and very upset and doesn't give up on stuff easily. She then started going on about he family stuff and at the time I didn't realise this was what it was all about.

 

My friend had messaged him as shed met him before and was heartbroken at how I was and because she met him, she knew he wasn't being straight with me. That's when he agreed he wanted to talk and so on. That was the week he tried everyway to get hold of me.

 

Recently I replied to his friend smessage from ages ago. Well so I thought anyway. And then she told me all and I mean alllllll. Again it seems he was hiding. Like dropping stuff on his parents driveway.....I told him to pick his stuff up. We had to clear the house for new tentants. He refused. So I said I would drop it on their driveway (didn't want to knock as they are the cause of this) he said ok. Well turns out he wasn't on with it and it upset him. Why not just tell me that himself then and arrange a time. I was so upset he tried to make me out to be the bad guy. I could have skipped it all like my family told me to do but that's cruel and his ex did that and god she was slagged off by his family for it. I'm glad she told me all. It's made me realise the issues and she admits herself he's is very sensitive one of the most sensitive lads she knows, but she said he's not communicated properly.

 

Plus when he split with his ex, she fell out with all his friends. And he was annoyed at that. I've not done that.

 

If she had not told me the real reasons for the split I would have carried on destroying myself even more because even now he knows her and I have spoke, he still blaming me for the words I said at Easter and how mr attitude changed with grief. He's hiding it all the real reasons. Why not just sit down and talk fo me about it. Instead he brushes it under the carpet like he did when we were together and now even split he's doing it and won't sort his issues out. You don't end a 4 years relationships just like that and blame the other person for words when infact it was a family rift between them and I and instead of saying we need of sit down and talk it's upsetting me, he just ignored it and then we split in a row. It's stupid at that age doing that. It will carry on until he deals with the fact that his family can do wrong. We were happy until then. You sit down and have a chance to work it out talk about it and try change it and if it doesn't then you know you both have tried. I didn't get that chance but it then ruined his happiness and my happiness as bad that we were very happy together bar a few things. You can't expert your partner to be a mind reader 😢 Even his friend said he should sit down and speak to you and hear you out now you know it all. But it's all blaming me 😢

 

I don't want him to change as such but learn to comminxate properly or else he will keep going through relationships hurting himself and the girls like he has me because he won't open up. Yet time and time again he always told me to talk and talk through issues like an adult and not ignore them 😢

[Flipper15]

Plus he's said I always put my friends problems before our own and has been really nasty about that and hostile about it 😢

 

I never knew all the problems. And yes I have alot of friends becaus eof my job but I didn't know me being friend with work colleuges upset him either as I got him down to meet them all 😢 he knew my job when we got together and I said once the got the career I would come home and get a normal job because he hates me being away and said how are we surprised to settle. So i said I would leave, minute he get his new career he's off 😢?!

 

I never put my friends problems before ours. I've always been the go to person for my friends, but if he sat me down and said we need to sort out issues out then I would have. People say well maybe tou didn't know each other so well. But we did. But his fear of stepping up to his family and protecting me caused him to backlash and take it out on me or bottle it up until it obviously exploded. No relairjonshio is plane sailing but you sit down and work it out to make it better again 😢 not just think it's too much effort because he couldn't talk to his family and see me as the bad apple 😢 i tried and tired with them surely that accounts for something. He never went to their house and said this is upsetting me family and it the only thing we row about. No he would just come home and either not say anything and talk about other stuff or just kick off like instantly his attitude would change. I'd ask what was wrong and he would say nothing just had a bad day. Even in June I said we stopped communicating.

 

But I did not put my friends before him now way 😢 he liked me friend and work mates so o thought he certainly acted like it but maybe he was lying to me 😢

[rosephase]

you don't end a 4 years relationships just like that and blame the other person for words when infact it was a family rift between them and I and instead of saying we need of sit down and talk it's upsetting me, he just ignored it and then we split in a row. It's stupid at that age doing that.

 

But you broke up with him. I mean... those are harsh words. It's really okay if he takes the break up you called for seriously. Could he have been more kind and understand? for f*ck sake YES. Could he grow up and talk about the real issues in your relationship? YES. But he isn't doing any of those things. And the way you are staying dysfunctionally connected through friends (who should be leaving it alone) is slowing your recovery. Also you have no idea if what his friend is saying is true. Or if they are just trying to comfort you. Or they don't know what is true but they think it might be the family stuff. You are tormenting yourself over information from friends. If your friends or his were kinder they would stay out of it and let you heal.

[Flipper15]

I know I said what I said 😢 I regret it but he was arguing over his family again 😢 I lost my friend to suicide 😢 I only burried him a few days before 😢 a month and a half I was asking myself why my friend died. It only became obvious at the funeral 😢 I was very very very confused and my ex knew this and there he was arguing with me on the landing again ones his family 😢

I said what I said but then I explained it him emotions were running high, I meant his behaviour taking the family stuff out on me again when inside I was crippled. I my friends death and he knew it. I hadn't even began to grieve for my nana who was my rock before I her told about my friend (we were n Berlin at the time).

I have explained since and I told him I'm very sorry and I was a mess and my friend said to me he should have seen that you were its a lot to take in two deaths and susicde! He said I know now you were grieving and I feel sad seeing your crying face but I lost three grandparents and didn't act like that (total crap as he told me he throated his sister bf when his grandma died). I said I know but you've never had to se your own friend I a coffin at 32 years old you have to understand learning someone has committed suicide is a total different ball game.

He said he understood then and that unneeded grief counciling. He said i need to reassure myself I won't get hurt again and he cried. Those few weeks in June when he let it all out how upset he was he said I know. I know how much you were hurting. I said we had a row no one ends it on a row I was in emotional turmoil. He said I know it's stupid I need to know we won't walk on eggshells again (he didn't say why though) and said he wanted to work it all out build it up while he was trianing.

Now he's totally changed, he said I left I left I walked away I ended it. I was like I still have the texts when you' said it was my fault you've blamed me for months for what I said and I explained it was best of the moment and I was emotional and mean trhe bavusour I just lost my friend and you were rowing with me over family again out of nowhere.

Now he says I left and I'm glad of it and I miss the good times they were great but I don't miss the agro....then he mentioned that family briefly.

It all connects because his friend is straight talking like me, she gets along with lads like me and very similar to me. She said it's been getting to him for ages and told me all. Then I looked back at her earlier messages when we'd just split and she said about family then. So I know it's true. But the fact he's not told me himself. Instead of taking to me about it he's just had spats at me for it even now, just randomly comes out with fmsilt stuff in emails.

But then blames me for putting my friends first, rather than our problems. How is anyone surplosed to know unless I sea did rowing with your bf or ex over it not sit down and speak about it and say this is what is upsetting me. He never ever spoke to them about it ever. He didn't pull them up on stuff. Didn't tell them to stop making remarks at me. His mum even followed me round the house shouted at me and he just stood there and cried said nothing. No one should be treated by someone else's family like that. Boone should. You should protect your partner. He got alot with my family because they treated him with respect and an adult.

At one point when he was nasty to me in April he said to me randomly...if we got back totfegbef I would make a point of not speaking to your family just to make you feel how I did. My best friend said nice....your family have never done anybrjnf to him.

Then June he breaks down but he didn't tell me specifically what was getting to him in it all. He said he would be prepared to sit down with a councillor himself to her everybrjnf out and not be judged, and to sit down with us two and get it all out and either leave it be and at least have closure or sort if becaus he said I don't want to loose you toj meant everurbjnf to me and we've been through too much to drift apart with stupid stuff.

Now his friend tells me he'd been talking to her about it for a while and it was effecting him. I said but I was his partner why not tell me to improve stuff! Even in Jan I offered to meet his family instigated it. They wanted to do a day my Aussie family were over so I couldn't. I said another day though just tell me when your family are free. He smiled and kissed me. Speaks to his family and his mum said she didn't know what to say to me so didn't come up with a day. HE wanted it sorting for us all to be happy and me to I wanted to get along with them, but they wouldn't give. Only once we split did they say they would still have met me.

His birthday 34 years old and goes to a family meal without me that was booked.didnt ask his own gf. I was so hurt so hurt he's 34 he could have who he wanted there. I didn't say anything as it was his bday. I then took him for a surprise holiday to Berlin.

In may I said for you realise how upset I was over it? I said you wanted this sorting. A public mutual place on your own birthday and you didn't ask me?! I said had that been the other way around you would have been upset! Big style and would have kicked off at me.

He said I understand now how it must have felt and I'm sorry. He said I nist wanted fo keep the peace. He said I wouldn't know how you'd act, I said if I didn't want to see them then I wouldn't have plolitlg said no thanks. But I would have gone. He said but I didn't know how my mum or sister would react either. So I just left you out to save oeave but it was wrong of me. I said if I was coming and tbehdidnt like it it's their issue! He said I know I'm very sorry. I said. It during the day on your bday you wanted me to hang about all day but then be thrown off at 6?!

His cousin came over form Germany in Jan. I met her she was really nice. He was so over the moon I met her. Guess what? Come 5 they let to go play family pool and said goodbye to me. Didn't ask me or anything. He texted me so made up I met her and when he came home he gave me loads of kisses and cuddles, said thanks it meant a lot. Why not ask me to pool?😢 she kept wanting it sorting out after all 😢

His friend said he wants to be with someone socilaisbke who do stuff with his family and friends. I did with his friends. But his family if I don't get asked how do I even know what to go to?!😢 even Christmas no invite. But he was invited 2 weeks before ours (celebrate on diffenr days) only when he got to his parents and knowing I'd had a drink so couldn't drive did he then say they asked where I was.

His friend said you should have just turned up to stuff invited yourself. I said half the time he'd just say I'm going out and would just go. I wasn't to know and how can I invhed myself to stuff that's booked? You can't 😢 she said well that's why you split up because of the family stuff. I said hays not fair I lose again 😢 He needed to speak up to them and say my gf is coming.

You see they are a close family. All their family on the dads side line in Germany. Over her his mum doesn't speak to her brother at all who lives like half an hour away. She told me she would fight to the death to keep her kids close.

His sister had him waiting on hand and foot. They are close and she's been with her bf for years and years but everytimes she's not happy she goes running back to the parents with bags packed. One time she did it becaus her bf wouldn't go to Dubai because he started a new job and they had a mortgage to pay for. She moved back to her parent sbexause of that. Then sent my ex so her brother round to sort it out. All the time everytimes they had issues. Comes to me she says no dont bother.

I was ill once and her mum (when we all got along) said are you ok? Immediately the sister spatted at me and said what's wrong with you? Mum I feel sick too can you go get me some water and sed at me. I just took it on the chin.

I said to him why don't you stand up to any of them and tell them what upsets you and so on. He said because they are peaceful and I don't want them to see me upset or confrontational. I said your the one who says sit down and talk about stuff inner you don't go round there screaming and shouting and saying "all sort it out" but the minute you walk in the door you kick off at me 😢

Before we split we were talking about his new career all happy and nice lovely conversation I was so proud of him.

He looked at his phone and instantly snapped "my sister has been in hospital you know" totally off the topic. I said ok dear is she ok. Then he went on like a rant. I said well when was this he said Tuesday. He said I had work on my mind so didn't tell you back then. Then he just flicked back to normal conversation about work again. I didn't know what was going on 😢

One time we all cleared the air. But his sister came round to talk with us all and walked in like a teenager (she's in her 30s ) threw a strop totally. Her dad told her to sit down and she gave me a dirty look. I was in tears with their mum hugging me. His dad said this needs sorting! It's tearing them two apart! She was nasty to me and then came over and stafted crying to me. I didn't get it. She opened up and we all hugged and calmed down. We go to leave all thinking all was ok and she instantly stopped crying and said "it's a shame it's over but I'm glad I get to see more of my brother" my ex said nothing but we went home together which apprently she wasn't happy at. We got in and he hugged me and said thankyou (I was a shaking shivering wreck) I said but why did she say that why didn't you say anybrjnf to her it just makes me anxious again. He said oh forget about it.

Thing is we lived nearer to them because I worked away. But he wasn't at the family home obviously because we had our own house. But she passed the house plenty of times and didn't drop it! She admitted to me earlier in the relairnsjol she was jealous of us because we went out walking, cycling and days our and her bf didn't do that as he was a gamer. But that's no reason to try split someone up 😢 everyone grows up and moves out she did! Why couldn't her brother!

Now she's out with him all the time the 3 of them and he's not realised who he's lost 😢😢😢

I'm so broken 😢😢😢

[rosephase]

I'm so sorry you are hurting. He sounds like a real jerk who wanted out of the relationship.

 

You are hurt... not broken. He isn't someone who is worth all this hurt. He was a a**h*le who wasn't willing to talk to you or work on problems. Someone who is happy to place all responsibility on you. Someone who was -waiting- to get out. Someone who was incapable of supporting you through the tremendous pain you've been through. Someone who didn't give enough of a sh*t about you to stand up to his family who was treating you so poorly.

 

I get how much this hurts. You tried ever way to support him. He is unhappy with his life and blamed you.

 

Why do you miss this dude? He's mean. Uncaring. Self involved. And unwilling to stand up for you or put effort into the relationship.

 

As awful as it is that your broke up with him in the heat of the moment I'm super glad you did. It doesn't sound like he was anywhere close to being a good partner to you. If he couldn't put his sh*t aside to take care of you in the face of all your loss? That isn't someone to go through life with. Because life is FULL of stress and pain. If he falls apart and can't offer support and brings up old issues in the face of your pain? That isn't a partner. That's a jerk.

[Flipper15]

I know but I feel totally broken 😢

 

I know he didn't stick up for me and see a lot of stuff he did was selfish. He's even attacked me in recent emails saying I put my friends first, didn't like photos of me and my male work colleuges on fb, all stuff he's never told me.

 

I miss him because we did so much together we have so much in common, intrests and backgrounds.

 

When I was sick a few years ago and I mean really sick he was by my side throughout.

 

Now it's like because he's got this new career he's jumped out. We've had minor splits before and he came back he said because he loved me and wanted to work it all out. But instead of talking about the problems he just swept them under the carpet. It was clearly the family stuff.

 

But now because he has a new career and new location it's like he's just taken off and I've supported him getting in 😢

[rosephase]

He broke up with you serval times before? It might be worth looking into why you keep taking this guy back. It seems like you might have some massive self esteem issues. Don't keep getting back together with someone who keeps dumping you. That isn't very kind to yourself.

[Flipper15]

No not quite they weren't proper splits then were more like the little rows over the family and he'd go to stay with his parents. Just like his sister does with her boyfriend.

It's killing me how after 4 years with me he's already on dating websites and hasn't even still spoke about the issues between us 😢