My Boyfriend lied to me about issues that would happen when we would break up. MAJOR trust issues.

[florida1995]

Can I ask you something? How is your "whole relationship a lie" because of a lie he made due to being uncomfortable with sharing that information with you? Don't the good, loving times overshadow the one bit of information he chose not to disclose to you (read: lied to you about, although I don't think you should have brought it up anyways)?

 

I think now you need to have a talk with your partner. You are scared of him having cheated on you and you wasting your time on a disloyal partner. So ask him if he did or not (see below), and say that honesty is important to you.

 

Again, I understand why you wouldn't like that your partner was dishonest, but your reaction is not fitting the crime here. He lied about sleeping with someone when you were single. Information you weren't privy to (imo) anyways. That's very different from lying about cheating. Look, I get it. I don't like dishonesty either, but I would view my partner opening up to me about it as:

 

"Hey, I really appreciate you coming clean on that. I am disappointed that you saw the need to lie in that situation, because I would have much rather you told the truth when it happened. I really value honesty in a partner. However, again, I appreciate you for coming clean and I take​ that as a sign of maturity. That said, can I ask you something so we can clear the air? Is there anything else I should know? Please be honest with me."

 

I absolutely have had this talk with him like 10 times since we got back together a little over a month ago. I've sat him down. Sat him down with my mom. I've texted it to him. And he always says "I told you everything I needed to say there is nothing else and you are wasting your time trying to find something else out. I've told you everything, get over it, and accept that is all there is".

 

He also tells me what would be the point in lying anymore. That he's sick of it. At one point enough is enough and he doesn't want to lie anymore and that's why he told me, to start over. He wanted to move in together and start brand new, and now that he knows what he wants, he wanted to tell me."

 

But this isn't the first time this has happened which is why I'm having so many problems.... last November he told me about the first girl and swore THAT was it and how he felt so "relieved" and had nothing else to tell me. Meanwhile, there were already two other girls that had happened 3 weeks before, and 3 months before he told me this.

 

His reasoning was he saw already what the first incident did to me (and it was the only incident I even had any clues about) so he decided to confess to that but couldn't imagine telling me about the other two that were more recent and ruin us even more, now that he knew exactly what he wanted and promised he wasn't going to be stupid anymore. After he told me about the first girl in November, that is when he changed like crazy and became this "new man".

 

So ultimately, it's just hard to believe his "there isn't anything else I promise" when he told me that for 8 months after I found out about the first one. He tells me he's not as bad as a guy I think he is and it was a stupid phase but that when he was with me he never wanted to cheat and never did. He also says he's not screwed up enough to sit my mom down and lie to her if there was more. He constantly just tells me WHAT WOULD BE THE POINT in telling you about the last 2 girls, if I was still going to be lying. I understand why he told me about the 1st one because I already knew there was a situation (in 2015 he slept at her house the day after we broke up, saying he never did anything, but he did obviously when he finally told me in November). So yeah, he just says there would've been no reason to tell me about the others because I would've never found out but he just wanted to be honest and start new.

[boltnrun]

You sat him down with your mom and he's still there?

 

Wow, I know no one who would put up with that and stay.

 

Look, if you can't let this go then let him go. Seriously.

[Pleasedonot5]

Oh, I think I misunderstood you (or is this the first time you are saying this?)... Apologies, I'm on an hour of sleep today.

 

Looks like he has a history of lying to you for no good reason. You had the talks I advised with him already, multiple times. That's commendable. I obviously wasn't there so I don't know how you approached it (with your mom probably wasn't the best move, for example), but regardless, he has a history of lying, again, for no good reason. That isn't good, and I can see the reason you don't feel the trust is secure in your relationship now.

 

That said, I won't budge on the point that you aren't privy to information regarding his sexual exploits when he's single. If all of these happened while single, it really shouldn't have been a question you asked. And he shouldn't have lied about it over and over for no good reason either... (As LHgirl said, he totally could have been like "that isn't really information for you to know," or "I don't want to talk about it right now... Maybe later ok?")

 

Trust is necessary for a relationship. Tell me, what is your gut reaction (don't think/analyze) - do you think that you can ever trust him again?

[florida1995]

I didn't "sit him down with my mom". He wanted to sit down and talk to her about everything and apologize for what he put me through.

 

He is closer to my mom than his own. We take him everywhere with us, my family treats him like their own child he practically lives with us when we're not 8 hours away at college. So I am grateful he did that because ultaimtely with everything my family does for him and how good they treat him, it's disappointing to know that he was lying to me all this time and easily going around to other girls when we would break up. That's all.

[boltnrun]

"I absolutely have had this talk with him like 10 times since we got back together a little over a month ago. I've sat him down. Sat him down with my mom."

 

This is where I got that from.

[florida1995]

Oh, I think I misunderstood you (or is this the first time you are saying this?)... Apologies, I'm on an hour of sleep today.

 

Looks like he has a history of lying to you for no good reason. You had the talks I advised with him already, multiple times. That's commendable. I obviously wasn't there so I don't know how you approached it (with your mom probably wasn't the best move, for example), but regardless, he has a history of lying, again, for no good reason. That isn't good, and I can see the reason you don't feel the trust is secure in your relationship now.

 

That said, I won't budge on the point that you aren't privy to information regarding his sexual exploits when he's single. If all of these happened while single, it really shouldn't have been a question you asked. And he shouldn't have lied about it over and over for no good reason either... (As LHgirl said, he totally could have been like "that isn't really information for you to know," or "I don't want to talk about it right now... Maybe later ok?")

 

Trust is necessary for a relationship. Tell me, what is your gut reaction (don't think/analyze) - do you think that you can ever trust him again?

 

Yes! He has a history of lying about situations like these before. First incident happened in October 2015, questioned him ever since, just couldn't believe him so I asked the girl in November 2016 where she told me "if I had a bad gut feeling it was for a reason" he later admitted it to me. Saw what that did to me. And couldn't imagine telling me that there were 2 other girls other times we broke up. So he decided it was best not to in hopes of saving the relationship he knew he could save if he changed. So he decided to stay quite & change.

 

Since then a couple of times a month I would feel ehhh "he only told me about that girl because I asked her" imagine all the things I don't know with the girls I have no idea about. So I would spiral and interrogate him very often. He says he knew he had to tell me eventually but since it was so long ago he didn't want to set us back knowing we were in such a happy place. But, ultimately I asked him one more time before we moved in together and he cracked. He told me he had sex with someone August 2016 and kissed someone October 2016 (all times we were broken up). I had no idea about either girls so I respected him that he actually came forward and TOLD ME. So at first, when we were broken up I was like ok. That was it. That's all. He told me I'm happy I'm going to get back with him focus on who he is today and forget the past and never look back or bring it up.

 

So we get back together, move in together, plan all these trips for this upcoming semester. And BAM. Anxiety. "What if he only told me about the stuff that he did while we were broken up because he knew I wouldn't leave him " "he would definitely leave out if he cheated on me because he knows it would be over" = "he's still lying".

 

I trust him NOW and the last year that he hasn't done a single thing, but I do not 100% trust that he is being honest about our past. No I don't. But I just want to get to the pint where I don't CARE about the past or if he's lying about the past and what he did in our ty relationship a year ago. I want to see this as a new relationship with new trust about PRESENT and FUTURE incidents. Where we just move FORWARD. I'm not so innocent myself either I was very controlling and mean and I wasn't that great of a girlfriend honestly. So I just want to MOVE ON omg I'm going crazy.