I'm superficial and competitive

[Pleasedonot5]

Hi guys,

 

I recently have come to a realization, and I think that there are some aspects of me that are holding me back from the variety of opportunities present around me. I wanted to write this down so I could vent and organize my thoughts. Polite thoughts are welcomed and appreciated, but please keep any malicious/attacking thoughts to yourself.

 

I'm superficial, and I want equal to or better than what I had with my previous ex-girlfriend. It seems to be both a conscious and subconscious feeling. I feel it is holding me back, because my ex-girlfriend was/is very attractive, and our previous relationship was extremely rewarding (of course, until it ended) and when it started "I just knew" it was what I wanted.

 

I am fairly attractive, and I have a leader reputation in my community. I was the elected leader of our 20,000 student population last year, and I have been in commercials, I sing/dance, and I am athletic. That makes me super busy, but despite that I spend my days lonely and craving affection.

 

It's not that there aren't people around me who are interested -- I've gone on many dates and even some recently -- but it's that I don't see 99.999% as better than or equal to my ex, both in terms of looks and in terms of how natural I find we can express our interest. Someone I did think I would could connect with recently, who was very attractive, confident, and etc. I asked out to coffee, and she ended up standing me up (see my previous thread if interested. First time that's ever happened to me).

 

I'm over my ex, which took years, I just can't settle for less attractive, less natural, less confident, etc.

 

I wonder if that's natural (for me), or if it's a character flaw worth addressing. Will I ever be able to settle for who I consciously / subconsciously view as "not as XYZ as my previous relationship/connection" or am I right to not settle and stay the course? One thought also in the back of my mind is that I am going into public sector leadership, and I want someone who can keep up, who impresses me, and whom I can admire.

 

I'm not sure where to go with this information, but it is a recent realization I thought I'd share.

[mustlovedogs]

I tend to think you're not over it if you're comparing everything to your ex.

 

Was your relationship good because she's attractive or because you had a connection?

[Pleasedonot5]

Mustlovedogs,

 

Thank you for responding.

 

Hmm, it doesn't sting to talk about anymore, and I can say she's with a new guy, probably going to get married to him, and it doesn't hurt anymore. I tend to think I'm over her and the relationship we had, which ended 2 years ago. I acknowledge my part in the demise of that relationship, and I now just want someone else who is like the person she was in the relationship/before the relationship.

 

Re: your question, my relationship with her was good because of the connection, chemistry, humor, etc. She was also attractive.

[figureitout23]

Not settling = Good/ Comparing everyone to ex = Bad

[Pleasedonot5]

Figureitout,

 

Thank you for responding as well!

 

Have you ever found yourself wanting someone as/more attractive than your ex? For the chemistry/way you got together to be just as/more magical? If so, how did you get around or deal with that thought process?

[figureitout23]

Honestly, I don't think I've ever done the ex comparison thing. Then again, I have the tendency to hold onto relationships well past their due dates, so typically when I do move on and start dating others the new person tends to be a refreshing change.

 

Sorry, Im probably not going to be the best person to get advice on this subject.

[Pleasedonot5]

No worries - I appreciate the honest "idk"!

 

Edit: you know, you make a good point though - perhaps my subconscious just knows that person who is supposed to be the "refreshing change" hasn't come along yet. Shanks!