The ex that wouldn't go away

[Maxx82]

I am engaged to the woman of my dreams. After a couple dates I told everyone I was going to marry her. She told her friends the same. My only hang up was I always was uncomfortable that her most recent ex was still her friend. In July I found out he had been sending her messages from June-July wanting her back. She told me of her own volition. I told her that wasn't cool at all and she "unfriended" him on Facebook. Well he messaged again asking her to come get her things from his house because he was moving and she had things still there. He was not happy I came with her. I finally confronted him after he sent her pics of old love notes. Well after a random discussion about a friends relationship woes it came out she hooked up with him after we had been dating a month. We hadn't had the "relationship" talk but by what I said above it seemed a forgone conclusion. I don't know how to deal with this. She FINALLY blocked him from all communication after saying she couldn't talk to him anymore but...is this cheating? It's a gray area and the biggest thing is can I stop thinking about it?

[Helpmesavethis]

If you guys weren't committed and had that talk yet, then I do not see it as cheating. She was free at that time to do whatever and who she wanted. It's in the past, move on with your lives if you're happy. Don't let something like this come between you if you truly love and want to be with her. The more you harp on it, the more it'll negatively affect your relationship

[reinventmyself]

This one isn't black and white and some might find this enough to end it and some may not.

No doubt emotions are really high right now. I'd just sit on this one for few days and when things calm down, you might see things clearer.

I typically can weigh in one way or another, but not on this one.

[Maxx82]

Well it may not have been cheating but..I think the reason it's more of an issue is after having done that she stayed in contact with him even after I expressed my discomfort many times. That she admitted to discussing our relationship with him only compounds it.

[Devriendt10]

What does she have to say about her encounter with her ex and how it ended up happening? Do you trust her to be honest with you?

[Maxx82]

She says she doesn't know what made her decide to go see him. She she also said she doesn't remember if it was just one day or the entire weekend. She said she didn't know where things were going with her and I said if he had known it was going to end up where it is now she would've never done it. I believe what she said about it. But when I always uncomfortable about this ex and when I learned I was right to be it's a lot to process

[Starlight925]

She says she doesn't know what made her decide to go see him. She she also said she doesn't remember if it was just one day or the entire weekend.

 

Seriously??? She doesn't remember if it was one day or the entire weekend? Does she take medication, does she drink? How can she not remember? That sounds super fishy to me. Like, she doesn't want to admit something to you.

 

I'd tread very lightly here.

 

You expressed your discomfort many times, and she disregarded your feelings. Red flag.

 

I am just now going through a breakup where we had this exact same issue. Without going into my details, I wish now that I had observed these red flags much earlier.

[Maxx82]

I wonder the same. If there's more she isn't telling me. She says it was just the one time but I wonder if that's true.

[itsallgrand]

I wouldn't have considered dating her, to be frank, while she was still playing around with her ex.

 

I think - take your time, don't rush into a marriage with her- how long have you even been dating without the other guy in the picture?

 

I don't think of it as cheating exactly, more like douchebag behaviour. Hey that's just me. And what she fed you when you inquired - douchey. I'd rethink the 'dream girl' thing .

[Maxx82]

I had no idea she was playing around with him. In fact I asked her back then if she was seeing anyone else and she said no.

[Starlight925]

I'll share some fun facts about my relationship, now that it's over: my now exBF of 1.5 years had not 1, but 3!!! exes who kept in contact with him. He always had a story: they were texting him, they were posting Facebook messages, etc. Finally, finally, after expressing my disappointment and getting into, ultimately, huge fights about it, he unfriended them all. Ahhh....peace! But they continued. And guess what he didn't do.....stop them.

 

We have broken up, a few weeks ago. Guess what he did, within hours of breaking up? He re-friended them all. In the post-breakup talks, he even lied about it. Um, idiot, it's Facebook, I can see what you're doing, as you haven't figured out privacy settings.

 

She's not clean here. I don't want to insert my own antenna due to my own recent breakup, but there is such eerie similarity.

[AtitAgain]

And this is why if I was her I would not have told you. I wouldn't have considered it cheating, and knew it would only hurt you. I decided to not see my ex again, so why tell you? Just to cause issues? Anyway... maybe I am a jerk/... but I did pretty much the exact same thing she did, and have not told my girlfriend and never will. Why? It will only hurt her. I love her, don't want to be with my ex at all, so why do that? In my case it was probably even worse if you read my thread.

 

If you are happy with her, and you feel that you can trust her I would try to get over it. I understand that will be difficult to do, and that is why imo, it would have been better if she never told you to begin with.

[Maxx82]

That is very eerily similar. It's the same type of stuff. I need to really think about this.

[Devriendt10]

Honestly there is a lot of grey area with this I think.

 

I'm still friends with a handful of my exes. There is nothing between me and them, things just ended and we are better friends than we were in a relationship. My husband trusts me, and we all actually get together from time to time. However, I never screwed any of them at the beginning of our relationship, either.

 

She technically didn't cheat on you but she obviously doesn't have a good habit of telling the truth.

 

I have an ex boyfriend who insisted on having inappropriate relationships with other women while we were together. I'm pretty sure it had to do with low self esteem on his part but it eventually effected how I felt about myself. If you do decide to move forward with this woman, go in with your eyes open and find a way to let go of the incident.

[Starlight925]

Tons has been written about whether it's ok to be friends with exes.

 

My two cents: It's absolutely fine! With the important distinction: As long as it's 100% clear that there are zero romantic feelings on either side. Since that's almost always not the case, it's a slippery slope.

 

So let's say your partner has zero romantic feelings, but the ex does. The ex with the feelings will, if allowed, create intrusions into the relationship. Crossing boundaries. Trying to stay within the lines of the new relationship. The onus is then on the partner to fully close that door, fully keeping the ex out. Especially if the other person in the relationship has expressly stated discomfort! This isn't about trust or jealousy, but it can sure create insecurity, which can lead to jealousy and mistrust. None of which are a recipe for a happy relationship.

 

This can create triangulation, and one person in the triangle always feels the insecurity/jealousy, and it's usually like this:

Partner #1 (the one with the intrusive ex): Very secure

Partner #2: insecure. Which can lead to jealousy and mistrust

Ex: Boundary-crossing, doesn't care who this affects, as their needs of regaining access to Partner # 1 are met.

[AtitAgain]

Tons has been written about whether it's ok to be friends with exes.

 

My two cents: It's absolutely fine! With the important distinction: As long as it's 100% clear that there are zero romantic feelings on either side. Since that's almost always not the case, it's a slippery slope.

 

So let's say your partner has zero romantic feelings, but the ex does. The ex with the feelings will, if allowed, create intrusions into the relationship. Crossing boundaries. Trying to stay within the lines of the new relationship. The onus is then on the partner to fully close that door, fully keeping the ex out. Especially if the other person in the relationship has expressly stated discomfort! This isn't about trust or jealousy, but it can sure create insecurity, which can lead to jealousy and mistrust. None of which are a recipe for a happy relationship.

 

This can create triangulation, and one person in the triangle always feels the insecurity/jealousy, and it's usually like this:

Partner #1 (the one with the intrusive ex): Very secure

Partner #2: insecure. Which can lead to jealousy and mistrust

Ex: Boundary-crossing, doesn't care who this affects, as their needs of regaining access to Partner # 1 are met.

 

I personally don't believe in friendships with ex's. I believe in banging ex's... which should not be done while you are in a relationship. But a friendship with an ex? IMO that is just dumb... unless you have kids together and need to maintain a civil relationship or something...

[Maxx82]

Yeah except clearly she didn't have zero romantic feelings at that point. How long that was the case? Who knows. And you're right- seldom do both parties where being exes is concerned have no feelings.

[Maxx82]

Yeah that triangulation part is exactly right. She didn't understand why I had an issue with it. He would "text" her on Snapchat- that's shady.

[Juha]

Well, your gf is a very shady person and obviously is a selfish person also as with this situation she was only thinking of herself.

Her not understanding why you were upset with the situation shows she is not very empathetic and selfish.

 

I would feel like I could not trust her, she was not really into me all that much, and would not have my back at all.

 

I would have a talk with her explaining it all, breakup with her, and wish her well.

 

You can do better than someone like that. She does not understand what it means to be in a relationship and you should not have to deal with that crap.

 

I wish you luck in whatever you decide...

[Maxx82]

Yeah here's the real interesting thing. They broke up officially 4 months before she met me but apparently did the FWB thing until her and I started dating. Now honestly that speaks to character in IMO.

[Starlight925]

Yeah here's the real interesting thing. They broke up officially 4 months before she met me but apparently did the FWB thing until her and I started dating. Now honestly that speaks to character in IMO.

 

That's exactly what happened in my situation too. They broke up officially, but were FWB until we started dating. The ex never removed herself fully from the picture, and 1.5 years later, literally one day after we broke up, guess who he called....yep.

 

Yeah, I hate to say that I see red flags waving all over this one.

[Maxx82]

Yeah. The bad thing is now I'm at the I want to know how deep the rabbit hole goes phase. Was it just that time? Or...? Plus things like did he ask her more times and she said no but just kept it to herself. Because I always asked if he did things he shouldn't and until she told me about the stuff from June-July always said no.

[nambia123]

as someone who has dealt with something similar in the past I can tell you that she probably still has feelings for this dude. Just because she is ready to marry you does not mean those past feelings are wrapped up.

 

When people are done with the past they don't have a need to revisit that situation, especially when they are trying to start anew... unless of course they are not fully reconciled with their past.

 

In addition, you shouldn't have to tell them to unfriend, wrap up the past etc. that is something they should do on their own out of respect for their current relationship.

 

When she started dating you she should've emotionally moved on from that past.. clearly she wanted to keep that door open and wanted to continue to have it open.. despite your discomfort with it.

 

As I said, from past experience with these types of behaviors, there are always unreconciled feelings there.

 

My advice, breakup and save yourself a lot of heartache, find a fully available woman who does not have a need to hang on to past lovers.

[ASmash]

Depends on how you define cheating. I thinking cheating is breaking trust. This involved deceit. I think it's understandable you think she did chest on you back then because she liked about seeing anyone else.

 

On the other hand, if you both didn't have the understanding that you both were exclusive and there's no obligation to tell you who or if she was dating anyone (whether an ex or another guy) unless it's a matter of health or safety, then that could possibly not be any of your business. So I can see that this grey area may not be cheating.

 

Reasonable minds will differ. Ultimately, cheating will be defined by both of you. Some couples draw the line at sex or a kiss or emotional cheating by the time they spend with others. Ultimately, you two both have to determine if there was a clear understanding between the two of you. If there wasn't, I'd lean towards not cheating.

[Maxx82]

It goes beyond just cheating. It's the fact that something about him made me uncomfortable that they still talked. She repeatedly assured me there was no need for me to worry and made me feel like I was crazy and irrational for having an issue with him. Clearly- I was right and had every reason to have a problem with him.