Thinking of breaking up with my girlfriend. Wanting some advice, please?

[mattzila89]

Greetings. Sorry in advance for this book I'm about to write lol

 

I'll give you a little back story first:

We have been together for just over 4 years now, and we had a few patchy months in the middle (which I'll explain in a bit). We met online when I was almost 20, and she was almost 18. From the time we met, our relationship grew and grew until we ended up finally dating long distance. I was living in North Carolina at the time around some family (she lived in Indiana), and I was in the process of joining the Navy....but because I was still young, hadn't been in a relationship before, and was too young to know better, I decided to scrub the Navy plan and move back to my hometown in Michigan to find work, possibly go back to school, and be a little closer to her. We continued to date, I decided to come down to Indiana to go to school with her, we got promise rings, planned to devote ourselves to each other for the rest of our lives, etc....the whole nine yards of an immature relationship.

 

So, the first summer back home from school, we knew it would be a long distance thing for the summer. Well, now that I had been with her for 2 years at that point in time, I was starting to get thoughts in the back of my mind about what it would be like to be with other girls. Long story short, I met another girl early on in the summer, and I decided I wanted to "take a break" to explore being on my own for once. This was great for the rest of the summer (once I got over the depression I felt for breaking her heart into a million pieces). I went out with friends, spent a lot of time with the other girl, partied almost every night, slept only maybe 20 hours per week, did my own thing, etc....I was just being a normal 21 year old without all of the tie downs from a relationship.

 

Well, when I got back down to school for the next year, my emotions totally flipped when I saw her. We talked through our feelings we had for one another, and the things that happened over the summer. I found out that RIGHT after I told her I wanted a break, she went and slept with a guy she dated a long time ago as a rebound. We were planning to part ways then, but I couldn't stop thinking about her, what she was doing, where she was at, etc. I decided I still loved her and needed her back...so I fought and fought till she finally gave back into me and we have been back together since. But, we had LOTS of trust issues once we got back together (which have since worn off quite a bit), and I am sad to say that I did go behind her back a few times with a few other girls throughout the first year back with her. I guess it's because I wasn't satisfied intimately. I've actually lost some very dear friends of mine because I went behind her back to do those things and they found out about it....and I still feel awful about it to this day....*sigh*. We graduated together this past May from school, and have been living together for the past 5 months in a (rented) house her parents helped us get into.

 

I'm 24 now, she's 22, and ever since we've been back together a lot of the same things/thoughts have been coming up that were making me have second thoughts to begin with, or maybe they are red flags? Maybe not? That's where you lovely folks come in

 

So, some of the things that have made me question our relationship are things like:

- She is the type of girl that wanted to be married by the time she was 18, and starting her life with a husband by the time she's 20 (boy she was not happy with me that we didn't get engaged before we graduated). So, she now asks me EVERY SINGLE DAY if I have looked at engagement rings yet for her, and she is expecting one by this Christmas. (I thought this would wear off, but the pressure still hasn't)

- When texting, we have to send emojis or we are automatically upset about something and she begins to ask "whats wrong? are you okay? etc." and it gets on my nerves! (Thought this immature stuff would wear off early on too, still hasn't after 4 years)

- She talked me into getting two cats (which I've spent well over $1000 on in the past 3 months getting shots, spayed, pet deposits, etc) and I am the one taking care of them 90% of the time (cleaning litter box, feeding, etc).

- I cook, clean, do yard work, take the trash out, and other misc. chores 90% of the time around the house all by myself. She only does the dishes, and her own laundry. I come home from work, and she's laying on the couch watching TV. I leave chores undone so that maybe she'll notice them, and do them, but never does; always leads to me confronting her about her laziness. (Still no change)

- We are rarely intimate...maybe once-twice a month, if at all, and I am always left begging for nothing.

- I am in the process of joining the Navy again, and she is wanting to get married before I leave in March or April 2018 and I'm not sure that I want that.

- I have recently met another girl and have been talking to her as friends, but we seem to be sort of hitting it off. I'm not saying I'd do a switch or anything, but the fact that I can talk to another girl that seems to have more attractive qualities or characteristics about her is making me have the "I can do better" feeling again (I hate to say it).

- We don't have the same long term goals anymore; she wants to stay in Indianapolis and work, and I want to go into the Navy and travel the world, meet new people, and experience new things without having to be tied down. (She supports my decision, and wants to come with, but that can't happen unless we are married)

- We rarely go out or do things that involve us interacting. If we do, it's going to a movie, or a concert. She prefers to watch TV every night.

- I can't go out with friends (if at all) without her texting me every second "what're you doing? when're you coming home? I'm bored." (I think the last time I hung out with friends was about a year ago, sadly)

- Her family is great, very nice, down to earth, but sometimes I can't stand being around them because all they do is bicker at one another! Her 18 year old sister wines about not getting her way, and they all talk to each other as if they don't even care about one another. Where I and my family on the other hand have very close relationships, totally opposite.

- She can be very selfish sometimes...e.g. I learned that we can't go to a concert for a band that I solely like because she will sit the entire time and sigh, roll her eyes, and ask me after every song "is it time to go yet??"

 

Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of positives to our relationship; enough of them to have motivated me to want to be together with her for this long. And I have long stints where I don't have negative thoughts at all about us, and actually say to myself "this is the girl for me, I won't find another girl this good." But, recently over the past few months I've seen all of these negatives come back into the picture, and I've realized even more of them popping up. Stuff I don't know that I can live with forever.

 

She is the type of girl that is on edge all of the time, thinks everything should be handed to her, not friendly to people she doesn't know, hard to make laugh (just shakes her head and rolls her eyes when everyone else in the room is dying laughing), selfish when it comes to me wanting to hang out with friends, and worrisome of every little thing in the world; never can just let go and be free from worry to enjoy life. But, I guess some of these are because of the way her parents raised her, and from being raised in a middle class household. Her parents act a lot like her...very strict, only laugh at certain things that aren't really that funny, and worry about every little thing in the world.

 

I on the other hand, am the total opposite. I am friendly to everyone I meet, I love to laugh every minute of the day and joke around, not selfish at all, very considerate, loving, and like to have fun in life! When it comes to marriage, I am the type of person that wants to just let love come to me and not force things. I have never planned on getting married at any exact time in my life (even though I may want to at some point if the right person comes along), but it's not something I want to be pressured into because it can lead to the wrong decision with the wrong partner, or possibly a divorce. I have told her this, but she lays off of the topic for maybe 2-3 months, then she slowly starts back up with it again; EVERY DAY!

 

I say all that to say that I am trying to weigh out all the options so I don't make a bad decision. I am a "you only live once" type of person, so I want to go on a path in life that makes me the happiest, and where I'm not having to just settle with something as it is to avoid disappointment. This girl was my first real intimate relationship, and longest I've ever had. It's hard for me to even think about not having her in my life anymore, around the house, or even not having connection with her and her family anymore, just because we've grown so close. Or even just the thought of having to move all of her stuff out of the house. But, lately I have been starting to feel some exhaustion trying to motivate her to want to put effort into the relationship, along with the other things I mentioned. I talk to her about these problems, and then she'll do something about it for a day or two, then it's back to the norm. I understand relationships change over time, and maybe this is just the time to part ways....I don't know...I'm not a relationship expert by any means, so maybe someone can give me their thoughts?

 

If you have any helpful suggestions or answers please feel free to comment.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts on the situation.

[rosephase]

I think it's funny that you don't think of yourself as selfish. You dumped her so you could spend time with someone else. You got upset that after you dumped her she hooked up with someone else. You snuck around behind her back AND ARE STILL DOING IT.

 

You have a long long long list of reasons why you don't want to be in this relationship... and it sounds like habit and fear of change is the only thing keeping you with her. You want to travel. You don't want to be tied down. You think you can do better than her. You are actively getting involved emotionally with other women and comparing her to them. You don't want the future she wants. You think she is lazy. You find her needs annoying and limiting. Dude... you don't need to break up with her you just need to admit that you already have.

[Rustysuit]

It seems you have a lot to discuss with your GF.

 

From your side of the fence, this deserves a good honest talk, maybe even some time apart to figure things out.

 

I think you already know the answer for this...she seems a bit manipulative and is focused on locking you in with a marriage. Probably because she thinks it's the only way to fill some kind of void she has.

 

You seem to know your deal and what you want. You're looking for validation from others, but without hearing her side of the story, it's hard to give advice. Maybe she also has a list of things she doesn't like about you.

 

My advice would be first and foremost to sit down and have a talk with her regarding all of this. I would address the marriage thing ASAP and make my intentions clear: "I'M NOT READY FOR MARRIAGE. ESPECIALLY WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP LIKE THIS."

Feel her out, go to couples counselling even, if you think the love you feel is worth it.

 

Last resort is to BU, but sometimes it's exactly what both parties need. Some time and distance from each other to figure their things out by themselves.

This relationship is far from ideal though, but that doesn't mean it isn't worth fighting for.

Will be best if you can walk away knowing you did your absolute best to make it work.

[dirkdaring]

Dude... you don't need to break up with her you just need to admit that you already have.

 

This. Exactly this.

 

You're done, you just haven't convinced yourself of it.

 

Take a long hard look in the mirror. I mean that literally. Talk to yourself. You're done, you just don't know it.

[MyLifeMyChoice]

I think you already know the answer and you just need to confirm with other people that it's the right one.

 

I mean, the fact that you can go behind her back, not once, but twice, and keep doing it, does not a solid, marriage-material make.

 

You both want different things. Let her go and so she can be with someone who wants what she wants.

[Anonyme95]

I feel like the situation you're in is very similar to one that I've just been in. Me and my ex got together when I was 16 and he was 18, and we were together for almost 5 years. I too starting having doubts about the relationship. I started noticing all of his flaws and all of the incompatibilities between us. I started wondering whether there was anyone more compatible out there for me. I remember him mentioning getting engaged and I just felt sick. I couldn't imagine getting engaged so young and spending the rest of my life with him. I also felt like it would be difficult to start my career being with him, as I did feel tied down. I really hated the thought of my life being planned out at 21. But at the same time I felt like we had to stay together forever as our relationship had been so serious from such a young age. I felt like it was expected of us to stay together and as it was my first LTR, I didn't know anything else. I also felt like I was being too optimistic and that I wouldn't find anyone else. The decision to breakup was mutual, and we both said there was no point in staying together as we'd end up resenting each other down the line. I thought I'd be distraught but I'm actually really relieved and happy. It's only now that I've realised how incompatible we were and how I was missing out on life by being in an unhappy relationship.

 

My situation wasn't exactly the same but I just thought it'd be useful to hear a similar story. You've mentioned a lot of reasons why you don't want to be in the relationship, are there any reasons why you do? I don't want to assume anything, but it sounds like you don't really respect her as a person much from what you've said. It seems like her flaws are outweighing her positives to you, and that's not a great way to start an engagement. It sounds like she's fully invested in this relationship and is expecting it to last forever, from what you've said. Do you think you'd be happy forever? Or do you think one day you'd start to resent her? If you don't see a future then it'd be better to end it now, rather than a few years down the line when you start to resent each other.

[MissCanuck]

Your relationship is already over. You just need to make it official so you can both move on to find partners better-suited for each of you.