Questioning Reality

[jchilds24861]

Ive been coming to this site for what seems like an eternity.. Yet in reality only 6 weeks have transpired. I've gazed at many of posts trying to piece the puzzle together, yet I always feel like I'm missing that dreaded last piece.

 

Six weeks ago my gf (24) of 9 months left me(29).. It was brutal.. The emotional scarring felt deep.. Rewind 9 months.. We fell fast.. hard.. It was a concoction of love... lust.. bad decisions and smiles. I was the methodical, analytical, routine and witty but sarcastic of the two. She held the spontaneity..the spark.. charisma and charm, one of the most driven women I know. We both worked.. running the rat race as most do. We decided to move in together after only dating for 3 months, quick I know.. But it felt right. We had settled for a cozy apartment.. Bills were divided as a 75/25, I took on a majority of the expenses because of the wage gap between us. Over the course of the next 6 months we furnished and made this rented out property a place to call "home". Then with a swift exit the home i once called became a hollow shell of it's former self.

 

The reasons that were given were understandable. I was told that I had a gambling addiction.. I was just another romantically involved addict. An individual that said he would cut the gambling back but didnt (I own up to this 100%)That living paycheck to paycheck was unacceptable and she deserved more. Maybe she was right.. But bills were always paid and never late. We had multiple monthly date nights..

 

She is living the vanlife now.. Quitting her job and leaving all behind..trekking through uncharted waters with another man. A man that she had been at the bar with drinking a few nights before the breakup.

 

Main reason for this post.. I've been questioning reality as of late. Is the 9-5 day in.. Day out grind for a place to call home worth it? The monotonous cycle is really.. Deep down to the core worth it?

[Ganamede]

I hear you ... I feel the same way and

No that dreaded sameness of everyday life is just loneliness manifesting IMO...

Ideally we all should be simply following our BLISS through life ...

FWIW Check some Jason Silva vids on Utube for more on that.

[Hollyj]

Are you going to deal with your addiction and get help?

[Woah93]

Seems like the addiction is giving you a thrill your otherwise missing. A stable job is important but not everything, you need something that gives you meaning, a hobby, something to get good at, something that lets you make progress for yourself. COuld be music, working out, writing, reading books, learning new things... but yeah a monotonous existence of same different day is not what life is about

[chitown9]

It sounds like life was good except for your gambling issue. There are support groups for this, Gambling Anonymous. I would accept the challenge. chi

[jchilds24861]

I have made some considerate progress with my hobby of gambling. I've cut way back since the initial break up 6 weeks ago. I still tend to think the labeling of an addict was a bit much on her end, I never really had an "urge/itch" to just go. It was more of an activity to do with a few friends while she was at work. I typically made a casino trip two to three times a month. I'm not justifying my actions.. I agree that I needed to cut back. I know perspective is usually very linear and one sided, but most of my close friends have sat me down to explain their perspective.. That although yes gambling needed to be cut back but it was more of a way for her to leave the relationship easily and pursue a new interest. Granted she has the right to make whatever choices she's feels she must to make the most out of life. I do respect that ideal.

 

I immediately started working out and running. I have put some thought into pursuing a 5k by the end of this month dependant on how my endurace levels are by the end of the month.

[jchilds24861]

@Whoa93,

 

I've been looking into picking up reading as a hobby as well... I can't remember the last time I actually sat down to dive into a good book. Any recommendations?

[DancingFool]

Having seen for myself the extreme devastation that gambling can cause, I can understand well why your gf ran. Three times per month to the casino is a lot of gambling. Anyway, there are much better ways to get an adrenaline rush, to feel alive, to feel worthwhile. Sports, hobbies. Go rock climbing, sky diving if you want extreme - there are so many things you can do that will give you that thrill, make you feel alive and a part of something. Volunteer once a month at a children's hospital or with the disabled - not a rush but gives you some serious perspective about life and what does and doesn't matter.

 

Life is not about 9-5 and going home. Sounds like you need to work on creating for yourself a life that you want and once you arrive at that sense of satisfaction, then you'll be able to have a happy relationship with someone where you don't rush into it at 1000 miles per hour, where you are comfortable taking your time, getting to know the person, making sure they are really right for you. What felt so right this time around was really you rushing to plug a void of boredom and loneliness inside of you.

[jchilds24861]

@Dancing

 

Thank you for your perspective, I do agree that gambling can evolve into a destructive life style. I've questioned several times if I ever made the cross into the abyss that it can become.. But in hindsight .. It was an eye opener that the world has much to offer as you put it. I still don't think I have quite found my nitch.. A hobby that I can call a passion, I've never really had that epiphany yet. There are times that I feel out of place.. or different than most because of this. I don't think this is based from loneliness per say.. but more an actual feeling of overall lack of not finding the "passion" that I lack.

 

For the time being I'm striving to invest into buying a home here in the next six months.. continue my path of fitness.. I might start cracking open some literature. I've always had a flexible personality, where I take interest in many aspects but never my calling.

[jchilds24861]

After thinking on a few of topics brought up over the course of this thread.. In reality.. My passion was spending time with her. It's what I looked forward to on a daily basis. Something as simple as laying in bed and cuddling was a highlight. I devoted a lot of personal time to doing the typical upkeep of the apartment as well.. Such items as cleaning/dusting/cooking/laundry.. No huff and puffs were given.. We worked different schedules.. She would be up til 3 in the morning generally while I was asleep, she had trouble winding down after work which is understandable.. Maybe I'm rambling.

[Woah93]

@Whoa93,

 

I've been looking into picking up reading as a hobby as well... I can't remember the last time I actually sat down to dive into a good book. Any recommendations?

 

I like non-fiction myself, psychology, philosophy, self development. Learning new things gives an incredible buzz, especially the mindblowers, for a very bizarre perspective I recommend Man And His Symbols by C.G Jung

[jchilds24861]

@Whoa

 

Thanks! I will definitely take a peek at this. Appreciate the feedback!

[DancingFool]

After thinking on a few of topics brought up over the course of this thread.. In reality.. My passion was spending time with her. It's what I looked forward to on a daily basis. Something as simple as laying in bed and cuddling was a highlight. I devoted a lot of personal time to doing the typical upkeep of the apartment as well.. Such items as cleaning/dusting/cooking/laundry.. No huff and puffs were given.. We worked different schedules.. She would be up til 3 in the morning generally while I was asleep, she had trouble winding down after work which is understandable.. Maybe I'm rambling.

 

Problem with this is that making another human being your passion and reason for living is always guaranteed to destroy your relationships. It simply puts too much pressure on the other person to provide for you what you are lacking within your own life and nobody can really live up to and sustain that. If you continue to approach relationships like that, you will burn out every single one.

 

You've got to keep exploring and really give each thing a chance, as in time and effort, to see if you've found your niche. Don't just go once or twice and decide it's not for you, unless it's something extreme like it terrifies you, but otherwise, spend enough time to warm up to the idea, learn it, start to develop connections and friendships and that sense of fitting in. Most of the time, it's not instant and there is no major "aha!" moment, you just kind of grow into it. The fact that you don't have an instant passion actually makes just like most people out there. Very very few are born lucky enough to have that burning thing inside of them instantly. Most people actually have to slog through the hard way to find something. Many never do because they give up too soon.