Is this cheating?

[Sugaree]

My boyfriend is, IMO, too close to this girl. He treats her better than me, this is a big problem he has with everyone. My boyfriend treats the people close to him horrible, but he's great to others. Anyways, he goes to her house at odd times to "fix her computer", he says. She calls him on his work cell phone, which I have been told NOT to do. They chat online in the middle of the night. He stops by her house when he's on his way home from work. So the is he cheating part. He went to her house about 3 months ago and spent the night. I freaked, cause I already thought he was cheating on me with her. Like a month after that, we were talking about cheating and he asked me what I would do if he slept in bed with another girl. I asked him outright if he slept in bed with her that night he was at her house. And he said no. But then a month later, he went to her house for her birthday (I wasn't invited because she would have felt uncomfortable). The next day he told me that they slept in her single size bed the night he spent the night. I FREAKED OUT. I had a panic attack and was hyperventilating and everything. Is that cheating? I know that it's lying. He swears nothing happened between them. Now all I want is for him to stop talking to her. He tells me that I'm the only one he loves and he won't ever be with anyone but me. But it just sounds like crap. They still talk every day online. When I go near him when they are chatting, he closes the window so I can't see. they type in spanish sometimes, which I can't read. Am I being paranoid? I love him so much, but I don't trust him at all. And I don't know what to do. Did he cheat? Any input would be great because I am an emotional wreck. ](*,)

[Sn0man]

You have a right to be paranoid, but I can't tell from what you said that he is cheating. It does sound suspiciious, and I personally would freak out myself if my g/f slept in someone elses bed. In fact, I would go into a blind rage. Maybe he should not be spending time with this girl anymore. Probably for the best...tell him that.

[Sugaree]

I have asked him to stop talking to her. And he says that he won't stop talking to a friend for me or for anyone else. He says I just have to deal with it and if I don't like it I can leave.

[hot_to_trot]

Hey sweetie,

 

I have been in your position before, it's extremely frustrating, and can really do a number on your self-esteem. The guy who did this to me didn't have stories about actually sleeping over, etc., but the fact that he treated her with more respect than he did me, really hurt. If he had any respect for you, then he would limit his communication with her. I'm not saying that he should cut the friendship, but sleeping in the same bed?!?! Come on. Sounds to me like he's treating her more like a girlfriend, than he treats you. Could you be "the other woman"? Maybe he's dating her too, and she doesn't know.

 

How old are the two of you?

[Sn0man]

If that's the case, then leave. He is obviously a total jerk, and doesn't respect you. Get the hell out....at least until he comes to his damn senses.

[annie24]

Honey - let me be honest. I think that he's acting like she's his gf, and you're just a random woman. Why is it ok for him to be mean to people close to him, but nice to other people? Honestly - with the phone calls, and computer fixing, it sounds like she's the girlfriend to me!

 

To be quite honest, a good relationship shouldn't make you feel insecure and make you hyperventilate. Additionally, a good bf shouldn't be spending nights in other girls' beds even if "nothing is going on." Even if nothing's happened yet, I'll bet you he'd LIKE something to be happening.

 

Anyways, I wouldn't put up with it. In the words of Savage Dan, writer of the sex advice column Savage Love, I say, "DTMFA!" Which stands for, "Dump That MF Already!" Yup. DTMFA.

[kungfumaster]

yah, i think you have a right to be "suspicious". heck, i wouldn't take this from my partner. i would just leave if she treated me that way for a prolonged time (say, 2 weeks).

[Sugaree]

I think I do want to leave him. Just when I get to my breaking point, he turns into the man I want him to be and I get sucked back in. I love him and I am having a hard time forgiving and forgetting. This other girl is everywhere. He's talking about going to WI on a church thing for a weekend and she'll be there. And he doesn't want me to go. He is now telling me that he doesn't want me to go places with him because he can't "be himself". I asked him if being himself meant flirting with every girl in sight. And he said he wants to "mingle". I think I'm going crazy. I feel so weak and I hate it. Why won't he just stop talking to her? How can she be more important than me???

[Sn0man]

Seriously Sugaree...get the hell away from this a-hole...you can do better.

[nikki19]

Whether he's cheated physically or not, he has certainly crossed the line. I noticed where you'd said you weren't invited to her house because that would make her uncomfortable. That says it all. He should be concerned about YOU being uncomfortable, not her. He obviously has more concern for her feelings than yours. He's given you a choice, his way or the highway. Probably not what you want to hear, but my advice is take the highway. Good luck to you sweetie.

[hot_to_trot]

What's more important? Your happiness, or his whatever he has with this girl? If you chose your happiness, then get out, cause this ain't making you happy!

 

Respect yourself, and ye shall be respected in return.

[kungfumaster]

yes - run away! quick!! don't look back. i hate that. no partner should ever be EVER subjected to this kind of treatment you've received from you supposed bf! and people get treated worse!

[annie24]

Oh - he's not worth your time or your tears. He wants to go with her on a weekend trip, and doesn't want you to come? And he says that he can't be himself around you? eeek. yeah.... I would break it off.

 

I think the reason he turns into that sweet man is because he feels you pulling away, and he likes the "thill of the chase." But, I wouldn't use that as a tactic to keep him.

 

From my perspective, this other girl has all the "rights and priviledges" of a gf:

 

1. He wants to take her on a weekend trip

2. He sleeps in her bed

3. He fixes her computer

4. He lets her call him on a phone that no one else is allowed to call

5. He has private convos in spanish with her

 

Yup - it sounds to me that she's the one who's really the gf here, even though you have the "official title."

 

Leave him, fast!

[SandyD]

I´m sooo sorry you´ve been put in such an awful place... so please don´t stay there for another minute longer. You did nothing wrong, and you certainly do not deserve to be in such an insecurity provoking relationship like that!

You may have the girlfriend title, but actions ALWAYS speak louder than words. Don´t let him put you in second place like that! I would dump him... he´s obviously not making you happy, you´re insecure, some other girl is maore important... and whatever reasons you have to be in this relationship don´t make up for how insecure and unhappy you probably feel.

[DragonGirl724]

sugaree,

 

id be highly suspicious if i were you! if youre not happy with this set up & hes not willing to change or make this any more comforting for you...having you 2 meet, or sharing info with you, then id get out of this relationship asap. he is disrespecting you by not doing so. & if he cared about you hed make this work. hes being extremely selfish & id kick him to the curb. dont settle for this guy & the way this relationship is going. you can have a much better set up with someone else. find happiness for yourself. dont wait around for him to provide it for you.

 

goodluck be strong.

 

-DG724

[apollocreed71]

Come on, it is just pure disrespectful. If you let him get away with it he will keep doing it. I am sorry, but you are his gf and he spent the night a girls house, come on now. Its a shame you are upset, but you are staying there. He should have got the boot when he spent the night at here house.

[Down-In-A-Hole]

Run, don't walk, away from this creep!

[Cecelius]

I think someone needs to come down and answer the question clearly:

 

sleeping in the same bed with a member of the opposite sex, whether there is any touching of any kind, sex, pillow talk, spooning or otherwise, is cheating.

 

It is absolutely begging for something to happen, and at a minimum smacks of silly, youthful "oh look at me and how sophisticated I am ..."

 

There is no reason why someone in a relationship needs to sleep in a bed with anyone but their SO.

[DragonGirl724]

sleeping in the same bed with a member of the opposite sex, whether there is any touching of any kind, sex, pillow talk, spooning or otherwise, is cheating.

 

cmon now thats rediculous! BUT in THIS particular situation where it involves 2 shady characters then yes by all means she has every right to believe they are hooking up. he has numerous accounts going against him here. its pretty obvious if this chick was of no interest of him hed be plenty sure hed owe it to his GF enough to prove it to her.

 

-DG724

[Vanilla]

sugaree, he's a manipulator and a sick man. why WHY WOULD YOU EVER TAKE THAT?

 

I would have walked out of that hell (because your relationship sounds like hell) SO fast he would have been begging me to stay.

 

He knows he can walk ALL over you, he knows it and he's flaunting it right in your face. He's just having you as his backup.

 

Dont you have any self esteem? Men like women with self esteem, and you staying with him and letting him treat you like garbage just reassures him that he has you on a leash.

 

When it all breaks down, he wont be there for you and what will you have if you dont even believe in yourself? He is slowly but surely poisoning you into feeling that you cant leave him and you want to be with him. YOU DONT NEED A MAN LIKE THAT.

 

My advice get the hell out of that relationship while you can and work on yourself and your self esteem. Darling, no woman who loves herself and knows what she is WORTH would ever let a man treat her that way. I know women, family, friends who have been in your position who look back at it now and it saddens them how little self esteem they had.

 

Value the person you are and dont you ever let anyone step all over you again. You are a lot stronger than you think

[miracle29]

Ok, this post has actually upset me and i'm not even dating this jerk. Sorry honey but he is being outright disrespectful to you. I read up to the "I wasnt invited because she would not have felt comfortable?" EXCUSE ME? Who the heck is she vs. you. Are you his lady or not. Seems to me like he is keeping you there as his comfort zone, and her as the main lady. Please don't be a fool. Let this guy go, he is making a complete fool of you. This girl, since she wants to be so close to him , let her have him, so one day he can turn the tables and do the same thing to her that he did to you. OK? I'm serious. He is cheating on you and you know it . Nothing we can say to you can c hange the fact that he is into this girl and doing it right in ;your face. How many other clues do you need. I feel the evidence is right here in your face. I'm sorry but this is not cool, not good, not worth it. Let him go. She 's a real sleeze to try to steal him away, they belong together. Trust me, let him go. he is cheating, has been and he thinks you are stupid enough to actually fall for it.

[Cecelius]

sleeping in the same bed with a member of the opposite sex, whether there is any touching of any kind, sex, pillow talk, spooning or otherwise, is cheating.

 

cmon now thats rediculous! BUT in THIS particular situation where it involves 2 shady characters then yes by all means she has every right to believe they are hooking up. he has numerous accounts going against him here. its pretty obvious if this chick was of no interest of him hed be plenty sure hed owe it to his GF enough to prove it to her.

 

-DG724

 

My fault. For those over 21, out of college, out of dorm life, out of the roommates stage of life and in or seeking committed relationships, sleeping in the same bed is shady enough on its face that I wouldn't bother asking if there was anything worse.

[Vanilla]

seriously, imagine if your girlfriend came up one day and said "i slept over at this guys house and i slept in the same bed with him all night"

 

 

that would just be way too messed up and weird. ay ayayay. this girls boyfriend is a complete scumbag.

[Sugaree]

He came over this past weekend. Last night we were laying down and he was chatting with her on his laptop. I got all pissed and left the room. Then he came and got me and I went back in and tried to sleep. I couldn't so I watched him chat with her. It was lik 1:30 in the morning and she asked him to call her, "just to talk". What exactly does she need to talk to my boyfriend at 1:30 in the morning for? And you know what he said? He said, I can't because I'm not at home. Does that mean that if he was at home he would have? I told him to leave and that we were over, but he wouldn't. Then he was all nice to me. I can't take his manipulations. He kept telling me that he loves me and he would never cheat on me and this girl means nothing. But he's going to her house tonight to fix her mom's computer. He needs to go, but he makes it so hard.

[pgballer11]

Girl its time to get tough on yourself!!!

I have just been going though the same thing and i kept thinking he would change but he wouldn't..he wants to have both of you and hes being selfish. Its up to you now, are you satisfied? thats the whole point of being with someone......Stop fooling yourself!! I know i wish that someone would have told me that too but now i want to tell you...please keep ure dignity and strenght if he truly loved you he wouldn't want to leave you alone or go to her house.

He gave you an ultimatum and u should take it... either way ure gonna hurt really badly but its better to hurt having ure own dignity, then feeling like a fool. Dont be the one to look back and say i should have done it then...things only gets worse...how bad are u gonna let things get??