Heartbroken.. Seeking advice to help me move on?

[Helpmesavethis]

Thank you . The weekend was actually Ok. We are here at the airport now ready to fly back home . The scenery was beautiful and sunshine and all the great things about holidays but my mind was a lot with my ex and questions and blame came into my head quite often so I can't say I enjoyed it like other holidays but I'm happy I came and happy with myself that I was able to stay reasonably strong through it . I wrote an email of goodbye to my ex as we never got to say goodbye or breakup and I think it is this lack of closure that has me going around in circles in my head . I plan on sending it tomorrow . It's not argumentative nor is it looking for a reply nor is it telling him that I'm missing him . It's really just saying goodbye and acknowledging we had good times but also acknowledging the fact he never actually split up with me has hurt me deeply and left me in a state of limbo not knowing what has went on . It is just for me and something I need to do as it doesn't sit with me just leaving things like this . I'm hoping after sending this and getting it out of me that I will be able to take a step forward and reduce the amount of analysing and thinking I am doing , I know nc is best but I didn't even have a breakup conversation so I feel I deserve the chance to express myself in some way

 

I'm glad you pushed thru. Send that email! I felt so much better after getting things off my chest and that was the kicker for me to heal... I'm still doing great but for some reason have thought a lot about him this weekend and even dreamed about him last night... But I'm ok. Just wish he would leave my head completely... Getting there.. slowly but surely... Happy Monday!!!

[Pto29538]

I'm glad you pushed thru. Send that email! I felt so much better after getting things off my chest and that was the kicker for me to heal... I'm still doing great but for some reason have thought a lot about him this weekend and even dreamed about him last night... But I'm ok. Just wish he would leave my head completely... Getting there.. slowly but surely... Happy Monday!!!

 

Yes I think it will be a finality for me sending it as well as I've nothing more to say or do after this . I'm asking him to post my few things back but I'm giving him my mothers address as I don't want to be there when the package arrives . I find sometimes I'm improved and then I fall back so don't be hard on yourself if you thought of him a lot this weekend . I really look up to how well you are doing . You are an inspiration. Part of me thinks it is because you have been through a divorce that you are stronger than I am even though I'm older than you . I've stopped blaming myself as much do that is a positive . It's the lingering depression and sadness that's the hardest for me now. I hope to start to find joy in things again . I've no idea how people who live with someone or are years together get over breakups. Mine was only 10 months and I didn't live with him and wasn't dependant on him but yet I feel I've lost my arm. It's may be my hopes and dreams that are lost that hurts the most as well . I am sending the email this evening . I got a friend to read it to ensure nothing crazy in there as when there is so much emotion involved ....

[Helpmesavethis]

Yes I think it will be a finality for me sending it as well as I've nothing more to say or do after this . I'm asking him to post my few things back but I'm giving him my mothers address as I don't want to be there when the package arrives . I find sometimes I'm improved and then I fall back so don't be hard on yourself if you thought of him a lot this weekend . I really look up to how well you are doing . You are an inspiration. Part of me thinks it is because you have been through a divorce that you are stronger than I am even though I'm older than you . I've stopped blaming myself as much do that is a positive . It's the lingering depression and sadness that's the hardest for me now. I hope to start to find joy in things again . I've no idea how people who live with someone or are years together get over breakups. Mine was only 10 months and I didn't live with him and wasn't dependant on him but yet I feel I've lost my arm. It's may be my hopes and dreams that are lost that hurts the most as well . I am sending the email this evening . I got a friend to read it to ensure nothing crazy in there as when there is so much emotion involved ....

 

Divorce was easier because it was a long time coming.. I grieved while I was still married. Ha. And like we've said before, other breakups were easier too because we typically had reason or saw them coming.. these for us we felt were out of the blue... You'll get to my position. It just takes time and NC and you're already getting there. Keep us posted if he replies...

 

 

I hope everyone else is hanging in there and staying strong!!

[Pto29538]

Divorce was easier because it was a long time coming.. I grieved while I was still married. Ha. And like we've said before, other breakups were easier too because we typically had reason or saw them coming.. these for us we felt were out of the blue... You'll get to my position. It just takes time and NC and you're already getting there. Keep us posted if he replies...

 

I do hope I get there . I feel a long way off at the moment . I live in Ireland and there is a hurricane today so everyone is staying at home so I've been in my apartment all day on my own . It hasn't been a good day . It's a day like this the 2 of us would have spent together so I'm battling with my thoughts and feeling sad but I suppose he know where I am and if he felt the same he would have got in touch with me . I need to remember that . Not looking forward to sending my email but tomorrow is day 1 of no contact and hopefully the start of moving forward

[Helpmesavethis]

Divorce was easier because it was a long time coming.. I grieved while I was still married. Ha. And like we've said before, other breakups were easier too because we typically had reason or saw them coming.. these for us we felt were out of the blue... You'll get to my position. It just takes time and NC and you're already getting there. Keep us posted if he replies...

 

I do hope I get there . I feel a long way off at the moment . I live in Ireland and there is a hurricane today so everyone is staying at home so I've been in my apartment all day on my own . It hasn't been a good day . It's a day like this the 2 of us would have spent together so I'm battling with my thoughts and feeling sad but I suppose he know where I am and if he felt the same he would have got in touch with me . I need to remember that . Not looking forward to sending my email but tomorrow is day 1 of no contact and hopefully the start of moving forward

 

I'm sure that's hard. You really cannot compare where you are verses me because you have had contact with your ex. I have not for almost 8 weeks now. I'm not 100% but I'm working on it. It still hurts, I still think about him but I've lost all hope of us reconciling and honestly feel like if he did reach out to me, I'd be the one to say no thanks at this point but then again, who knows...... You'll get there. Give yourself time and once you go completely NC after that email, you'll be surprised how much better you'll feel in time. Just keep pushing forward! Stay strong. Keep yourself busy. Sorry about the hurricane, I hope you're safe.

[Helpmesavethis]

Pto I keep checking for an update to your email sent... Thinking of you!!

[Pto29538]

Pto I keep checking for an update to your email sent... Thinking of you!!

 

Thank you for checking in on me. I have written and re written it and then stopped at the last minutes last night from sending it . I think part of it is the finality of it and part of it is that I'm keep perfecting the email like the words I use will make a difference or if I put in a particular sentence that will fix everything and this will alll be a bad dream and things will go back to normal . I know that is crazy and it is just my mind playing tricks with me . I am going to my councellor tonight so I'm reading it for her and then sending it immediately afterwards. I don't want to sound anyway angry but I have to call him out in the mail on the fact he left without saying goodbye or actually splitting up with me and I have to let him know the effect that has had on me . Otherwise I would just be a mug writing a really nice email like he did nothing wrong . I know I need to just send it but the last thing I need is more ammunition to start blaming myself if he doesn't write back .

[Helpmesavethis]

Thank you for checking in on me. I have written and re written it and then stopped at the last minutes last night from sending it . I think part of it is the finality of it and part of it is that I'm keep perfecting the email like the words I use will make a difference or if I put in a particular sentence that will fix everything and this will alll be a bad dream and things will go back to normal . I know that is crazy and it is just my mind playing tricks with me . I am going to my councellor tonight so I'm reading it for her and then sending it immediately afterwards. I don't want to sound anyway angry but I have to call him out in the mail on the fact he left without saying goodbye or actually splitting up with me and I have to let him know the effect that has had on me . Otherwise I would just be a mug writing a really nice email like he did nothing wrong . I know I need to just send it but the last thing I need is more ammunition to start blaming myself if he doesn't write back .

 

I understand. You want to make sure you say all you want to say etc. I would think I wish I would have said that but... I wasn't sending another message so. It was too late. Take your time and make sure everything gets said that you want to say...

[Pto29538]

I understand. You want to make sure you say all you want to say etc. I would think I wish I would have said that but... I wasn't sending another message so. It was too late. Take your time and make sure everything gets said that you want to say...

 

Yes there will be always things we wish we said in the mail but in the end it's only an email and if the wanted us back it's not because of a sentence or 2 we put in or left out . I'm reading it tonight with my councellor and then I'm sending it as I'm stuck in grief at the moment and need to move on to the next phase of this . It will also give me a bit a control as he didn't give me any voice in the break up .

[Helpmesavethis]

Yes there will be always things we wish we said in the mail but in the end it's only an email and if the wanted us back it's not because of a sentence or 2 we put in or left out . I'm reading it tonight with my councellor and then I'm sending it as I'm stuck in grief at the moment and need to move on to the next phase of this . It will also give me a bit a control as he didn't give me any voice in the break up .

 

Good luck! I hope it's what it takes to help you feel better/move on. It'll be hard if he doesn't reply but I know you'll push thru and be ok!!

[Pto29538]

Good luck! I hope it's what it takes to help you feel better/move on. It'll be hard if he doesn't reply but I know you'll push thru and be ok!!

 

So I sent it . I'm glad it's done . I had a cry after but do feel better . Now that's It there is nothing more I can do or say so there is some relief to that. I've a doctor appointment made for Monday as well as I think I might need to take something for a while . I'm really against pharmaceutical drugs and don't even like taking painkillers but I'm just so tired and worn out from crying and thinking at this stage and each morning is a struggle to get out of bed so I think I might need some help . Maybe this is normal grief . I don't really know . I know I've made it this far . It just doesn't seem to end though.

[Thainara]

So I sent it . I'm glad it's done . I had a cry after but do feel better . Now that's It there is nothing more I can do or say so there is some relief to that. I've a doctor appointment made for Monday as well as I think I might need to take something for a while . I'm really against pharmaceutical drugs and don't even like taking painkillers but I'm just so tired and worn out from crying and thinking at this stage and each morning is a struggle to get out of bed so I think I might need some help . Maybe this is normal grief . I don't really know . I know I've made it this far . It just doesn't seem to end though.

 

Hi Pto, I think you did the right thing and I'm hopping after this you'll really start healing. I also had to go on drugs as I was having panic attacks and I even lost my job. I can say I feel much better today. Not 100% but I don't panic anymore and I rarely think of him... And when I do it's emotionless. The aftermath of all this is my sadness for all what happened and the fear that was left in my system. I'm going on dates again to talk and laugh a bit but always when I have a date I have anxiety attacks. For sure it's my mind trying to tell me I'm in danger. Anyways, I'll have to learn how to deal with this for sometime, I think. I do hope to see a posting of yours here saying you're moving on. Rooting for you .

[Helpmesavethis]

I too considered seeking medical help but once I got over the hump, it was all downhill from there. It's good you recognize you need the help and you need to do whatever it takes to help you get thru this.

Thainara, I'm glad you're feeling better. I can honestly tell just by your post you're on your way to recovery. Proud of you!!

[Pto29538]

Hi Pto, I think you did the right thing and I'm hopping after this you'll really start healing. I also had to go on drugs as I was having panic attacks and I even lost my job. I can say I feel much better today. Not 100% but I don't panic anymore and I rarely think of him... And when I do it's emotionless. The aftermath of all this is my sadness for all what happened and the fear that was left in my system. I'm going on dates again to talk and laugh a bit but always when I have a date I have anxiety attacks. For sure it's my mind trying to tell me I'm in danger. Anyways, I'll have to learn how to deal with this for sometime, I think. I do hope to see a posting of yours here saying you're moving on. Rooting for you .

 

It's so good to hear you are feeling bettter. Sometimes I think I'm not very strong . I was only with him 10 months and wasn't living with him whereas there are people on this forum with much more deep rooted relationships and they seem to be able to move on and date again . I'm just so tired and worn out that I do hope the doctor can give me something to help short term. My father was sick for 2 months before my ex split with me so I think I'm just worn out from everything at this stage . My head and body needs a rest . At this stage I don't think of specific things or over analyse as I did before but now I just feel so sad and so alone . I find it hard to work or to get out of bed . I think a few weeks ago I was better than I am now as I was just forcing myself to keep going whereas now I'm loosing the energy to even do that and I find it hard to see an end in sight .

[mcnugget]

It's so good to hear you are feeling bettter. Sometimes I think I'm not very strong . I was only with him 10 months and wasn't living with him whereas there are people on this forum with much more deep rooted relationships and they seem to be able to move on and date again . I'm just so tired and worn out that I do hope the doctor can give me something to help short term. My father was sick for 2 months before my ex split with me so I think I'm just worn out from everything at this stage . My head and body needs a rest . At this stage I don't think of specific things or over analyse as I did before but now I just feel so sad and so alone . I find it hard to work or to get out of bed . I think a few weeks ago I was better than I am now as I was just forcing myself to keep going whereas now I'm loosing the energy to even do that and I find it hard to see an end in sight .

 

I'm sorry that you're having such a difficult time. It sounds like you'r really struggling. I hope that you get some closure from your letter. I know that alone and exhausted feeling. Some people just move on faster than others, but then again some relationships were failing for for a while. I know you're left with that sadness and I don't know what to tell you. I don't know exactly when that goes away. It's really hard when the relationship was good.

 

I'm feeling better than I was. I think I have pretty much accepted my breakup. I have really conflicting feelings about the whole thing. Some days I really miss him and wish we could just go back to being happy and other times I feel like it was for the best because he could never give me what I needed. I've gone on two very nice dates with the same guy (a month apart) the guy isn't for me. I haven't had the nerve to go on the apps I actually want to go on because I think it would be too painful to see my ex. There hasn't really been anyone else on the one site I'm on, but I've been talking to some people. I guess just talking has helped. Nobody stacks up to him. He has a lot of great qualities and we were really good together. I don't know how he just shut off like that. Part of me really wants to go out to drinks with him, but I don't think he would be up for it and I don't know if there is any point. I run through things in my mind and remember these great times with him, but they are tinged by this sadness with me always feeling I loved him more. Tropical vacations with moonlight walks on the beach where I couldn't say "I love you" because I was afraid he wouldn't say it back. The times I did softly whisper the words as we fell asleep and he held me, but I didn't hear it back. I do think our relationship was growing and getting better, but then I remind myself that we was secretly talking to an ex. I really don't know what would have happened if I had been more patient. Would we have lived happily ever after? Would he have gotten to my level? Would I have just wasted more time and further emotionally invested myself in someone who would have eventually broken my heart? I don't know.

[Thainara]

I too considered seeking medical help but once I got over the hump, it was all downhill from there. It's good you recognize you need the help and you need to do whatever it takes to help you get thru this.

Thainara, I'm glad you're feeling better. I can honestly tell just by your post you're on your way to recovery. Proud of you!!

 

Thank you Helpme, you are doing great as well and without any drugs! You are a very strong woman... I'm very proud of you too!

[mcnugget]

We all recover differently and have ups and downs. If you need professional help or drugs that doesn't make you any less strong. Do whatever you need to get you through this period. I have good days and bad. Recently, it's become a bit more bearable. At it's worst I could not sleep and I was having constant anxiety. I think what helped me the most was taking melatonin and going to bed earlier. I also found an outlet for my anxiety. All of the mediating and yoga and hot baths didn't help, but rather gave me more quiet and time to think. I found I needed to get it all out and not think. Maybe try something like boxing? Or archery? Or paintball? Whatever allows you to just get things out and not think.

[Pto29538]

We all recover differently and have ups and downs. If you need professional help or drugs that doesn't make you any less strong. Do whatever you need to get you through this period. I have good days and bad. Recently, it's become a bit more bearable. At it's worst I could not sleep and I was having constant anxiety. I think what helped me the most was taking melatonin and going to bed earlier. I also found an outlet for my anxiety. All of the mediating and yoga and hot baths didn't help, but rather gave me more quiet and time to think. I found I needed to get it all out and not think. Maybe try something like boxing? Or archery? Or paintball? Whatever allows you to just get things out and not think.

 

Yes I agree . Doing things that avoid me thinking are best for me as well . Due to work I've spent a lot of time in the car recently and this meant I had a lot of time on my hands to think . Even when I'm not thinking of him I find there is this underlying sadness there . I'm going to head to my family for the weekend as weekends are worst. Even if I'm neeting friends and doing things the majority of my time is still alone and I find that hard not because I used to be with him all the time but because it gives me time to think and to dwell on him and and what happened. On a positive note I am now fully no contact as it's 2 days since I sent my email . Also another positive thing is that I blame myself a lot less now and I realise it wasn't anything I did . This for me is a huge step and a great relief . He never actually broke up with me in person or gave me a reason so I blamed myself for a minor row I initiated at the end . However that row wasn't big enough to split up a relationship. But I blamed myself as he shut down after that, This is the biggest battle I've had with myself thinking if I hadn't started the row but I'm realising more and more that if he didn't want to leave anyways then that row would have been something we worked through. Yes I was annoyed and yes I shouted quite loudly at him but it was the first time in 9 months that he would have seen me annoyed so no man would just leave because of one row if they wanted to stay...

[Everlong13]

I feel you he's all I can think about.

I went out with my ex for just under a year and I'm really struggling to get over it.

It's been two months.

He ended it because we had a big drink fight (it wasn't the first). We were at a wedding where I knew nobody else and after the meal he spent most of the night outside smoking, leaving me with people I didn't know. He said I looked unhappy and asked why so I told him I felt like he'd left me. It turned into a big argument (he doesn't handle criticism well).

He decided that a handful of arguments were too many and that was it.

He's also very closed off with his feelings, at the start he was very open and I was quite guarded until I got to know him better and became more comfortable and confident in the relationship. As time went on he seems to have 'shut down'.

The previous argument was because he told me that he self destructs and messes up relationships. I tried to tell him that I loved him and wasn't going anywhere but he thought I was ending it and flew off the handle.

He never told me he loved me.

Both myself and his family have tried to get him to seek support for his mental health previously as I think he has anxiety or depression issues but he refuses and 'accepts that's how he is but nobody else should have to'

So now, on top of being heartbroken about things being over I feel like I was 'conned' by someone who was incapable of loving me and like I wasted a year on him.

I know I deserve better but he's all I can think about and I hate myself for it.

Thanks for reading

[Pto29538]

I feel you he's all I can think about.

I went out with my ex for just under a year and I'm really struggling to get over it.

It's been two months.

He ended it because we had a big drink fight (it wasn't the first). We were at a wedding where I knew nobody else and after the meal he spent most of the night outside smoking, leaving me with people I didn't know. He said I looked unhappy and asked why so I told him I felt like he'd left me. It turned into a big argument (he doesn't handle criticism well).

He decided that a handful of arguments were too many and that was it.

He's also very closed off with his feelings, at the start he was very open and I was quite guarded until I got to know him better and became more comfortable and confident in the relationship. As time went on he seems to have 'shut down'.

The previous argument was because he told me that he self destructs and messes up relationships. I tried to tell him that I loved him and wasn't going anywhere but he thought I was ending it and flew off the handle.

He never told me he loved me.

Both myself and his family have tried to get him to seek support for his mental health previously as I think he has anxiety or depression issues but he refuses and 'accepts that's how he is but nobody else should have to'

So now, on top of being heartbroken about things being over I feel like I was 'conned' by someone who was incapable of loving me and like I wasted a year on him.

I know I deserve better but he's all I can think about and I hate myself for it.

Thanks for reading

 

I am sorry that you are feeling this way . I understand what you are going through . It sounds like your ex had a lot of stuff in his head and it jumps out at me that he said self destructs relationships so he may not be able to give any more or go deeper with you . While the arguments appeared on the surface there has to be more underlying for him to decide to leave . You wanting to be included and him to focus on you at the wedding is only a normal reaction. I hope you have friends and family around you ? I feel conned as well that I wasted almost a year with someone who told me he was ready for a new relationship and ready to move on after his separation and then he panicked after 9 months in . I feel he wasted my time as well and not only the time I was with him but also the time it will take me to recover and enjoy life again . I don't think your ex conned you as such . I'd say he tried is Best But whatever issues he has prevented him going deeper or moving forward. We need to forgive ourselves and be compassionate with ourselves during this time .

[Pto29538]

I too considered seeking medical help but once I got over the hump, it was all downhill from there. It's good you recognize you need the help and you need to do whatever it takes to help you get thru this.

Thainara, I'm glad you're feeling better. I can honestly tell just by your post you're on your way to recovery. Proud of you!!

 

 

I got a cancellation with the doctor so I'm here in his surgery waiting now . Change of plan for my weekend as I will be spending it mostly alone now but I will try and keep busy and distracted .

[Everlong13]

I am sorry that you are feeling this way . I understand what you are going through . It sounds like your ex had a lot of stuff in his head and it jumps out at me that he said self destructs relationships so he may not be able to give any more or go deeper with you . While the arguments appeared on the surface there has to be more underlying for him to decide to leave . You wanting to be included and him to focus on you at the wedding is only a normal reaction. I hope you have friends and family around you ? I feel conned as well that I wasted almost a year with someone who told me he was ready for a new relationship and ready to move on after his separation and then he panicked after 9 months in . I feel he wasted my time as well and not only the time I was with him but also the time it will take me to recover and enjoy life again . I don't think your ex conned you as such . I'd say he tried is Best But whatever issues he has prevented him going deeper or moving forward. We need to forgive ourselves and be compassionate with ourselves during this time .

Thank you. I feel like this has taken over my life and I can't stop obsessing over him and what went wrong/how it could have been fixed if he maybe got some help. I know it's not going to happen but there's a disconnect between my brain and my heart right now. I'm going to try counselling but it's ironic that if HE had got some help maybe I wouldn't have to be getting help right now.

[Pto29538]

Thank you. I feel like this has taken over my life and I can't stop obsessing over him and what went wrong/how it could have been fixed if he maybe got some help. I know it's not going to happen but there's a disconnect between my brain and my heart right now. I'm going to try counselling but it's ironic that if HE had got some help maybe I wouldn't have to be getting help right now.

 

I have went through nights and days analysing what happened and thinking of all the things that could have fixed it or made this different but there is no going back and one specific argument or one specific conversation wouldn't have fixed anything anyways . It is ironic that you are the one going to councelling while he isn't aware that he needs help . The fact he isn't open to it means no matter what you had done or said things would not have changed . Unfortunately it takes two to be in any relationship and you alone couldn't hold it together. It needed to come from his side as well. My guy had issues as well fears of moving on and getting into serious situation again . Yes in my eyes it's something that can be worked through but he chose to run out of the relationship. Again I'm the one that is going to the councelling and not him . So I know what you mean about the irony . Councelling has helped me even to realise the fact that I couldn't have fixed or changed things by doing things differently so I don't do as much analysing as I did . when you go through all your thoughts with a councellor they help you see what is real and what is your mind playing tricks .

[Helpmesavethis]

I got a cancellation with the doctor so I'm here in his surgery waiting now . Change of plan for my weekend as I will be spending it mostly alone now but I will try and keep busy and distracted .

 

I'm missing something... His surgery??

[Pto29538]

I'm missing something... His surgery??

 

The doctors surgery - that's what we call them in Ireland 😊 It's where you go visit the doctor. He gave me some xanax and said it should help for short term. I took one this evening and am tired and relaxed and watching tv so I'm hoping I sleep ok tonight .