Heartbroken.. Seeking advice to help me move on?

[Thainara]

Thank you, wonderful ladies

 

Pto, did your ex end up calling? I hope everything is going alright with you. Thainara, I admire your strength in being able to block his contact. I did that for about 5 days but then caved. I couldn't handle knowing that I could be missing something. It's really difficult because our relationship has been on-off for years and he's come around so many times that it's hard for me to accept that he probably won't this time. I've been able to convince him to stay with me so many times, so it's like I keep wanting to find the right thing to say to win him over. I texted him a lot yesterday and even a couple of times this morning, and I'm really disappointed in myself. He only responded once:

 

"earlier we decided to go a few months without talking, and I want us to honor that. I want to let you know that I take responsibility for my part in the conflict/issues in the relationship and I realize that it was the dynamic between us that caused the issues, not either of us individually. I forgive you for everything and hope you forgive me. I want us to give each other time and space to heal and don't think talking now will help"

 

Such a mature, kind response, of course. Because he's perfect. Ugh. Anyway. I am forcing myself to go NC starting today again, but I don't know if I can bring myself to block his number. I basically left it off saying that I know we can get through anything and if he really loves me he'll come back. And that we could be so happy together and that I love him so much.

 

I know I shouldn't have. And I'll stop. But I hope so so so badly that he reaches out sometime in the future. I don't know how to accept that he might not

 

I really can't picture a life with anyone else. I don't think I'll find someone else as great. Ugh. I am hurting so much today.

 

 

I've always been very proud. Since the BU I've never asked him to get back or questioned about his decision. I hurt very bad, I got depressed but never crawled. I broke NC 2 times but I sent funny and positive messages, just to let him know that I was still open to talk to him. But clearly he is not (at least not now). So yes, I blocked him not because I was mad at him or something but for me not to be anxious and waiting on a message from him. I had him on my whatsapp and he had only me in his. A few weeks ago I was checking his profile a thousand times a day to see his last seen status and this was killing me! So after blocking him and deleting his number I felt such a relief and I really started healing. Definitely you have to give your guy time and space and really start focusing on yourself. Did you pay attention to what he said? I want to let you know that I take responsibility for my part in the conflict/issues in the relationship and I realize that it was the dynamic between us that caused the issues, not either of us individually. So now you can stop blaming yourself. And another thing, you should never have to "convince" anyone to be with you. They have to WANT to be with you because they love you, they value you and think your are worth it. A long ago I heard from a therapist: it's better to lose the love of your life than your dignity. Look around this website and see how many people is going through the same... we broke NC, we tried to talk to get them back, but there's a time that there's nothing else left to do... he was clear in his message. He didn't say he is happy or over you, but he is asking for space to "heal". I do think you should respect what he's asking for. Let him heal and heal yourself and maybe in the future you both can have a fresh start..

[Pto29538]

Thank you, wonderful ladies

 

Pto, did your ex end up calling? I hope everything is going alright with you. Thainara, I admire your strength in being able to block his contact. I did that for about 5 days but then caved. I couldn't handle knowing that I could be missing something. It's really difficult because our relationship has been on-off for years and he's come around so many times that it's hard for me to accept that he probably won't this time. I've been able to convince him to stay with me so many times, so it's like I keep wanting to find the right thing to say to win him over. I texted him a lot yesterday and even a couple of times this morning, and I'm really disappointed in myself. He only responded once:

 

"earlier we decided to go a few months without talking, and I want us to honor that. I want to let you know that I take responsibility for my part in the conflict/issues in the relationship and I realize that it was the dynamic between us that caused the issues, not either of us individually. I forgive you for everything and hope you forgive me. I want us to give each other time and space to heal and don't think talking now will help"

 

Such a mature, kind response, of course. Because he's perfect. Ugh. Anyway. I am forcing myself to go NC starting today again, but I don't know if I can bring myself to block his number. I basically left it off saying that I know we can get through anything and if he really loves me he'll come back. And that we could be so happy together and that I love him so much.

 

I know I shouldn't have. And I'll stop. But I hope so so so badly that he reaches out sometime in the future. I don't know how to accept that he might not

 

I really can't picture a life with anyone else. I don't think I'll find someone else as great. Ugh. I am hurting so much today.

 

Hi radiate ..No he didn't call me back. I think he was ok to text me as long as I didn't want to discuss our breakup or status of us . As soon as I asked him to call me as I didn't want to leave things like this He ignored my message . We never actually had a breakup chat or even actually Broke up . He just pushed me away and says he needed some time to himself and then his dad died so that is why I just wanted to know what was going on . He treated me better than any other man when I was with him but he has treated me worse than any other man when he was breaking up with me . He more more mature and settled and committed to me than any other man but when breaking up with me he was the reverse of all that as well. I'm still happy I reached out as if he doesn't get back to me it helps me get some kind of closure myself.

[Pto29538]

Thank you, wonderful ladies

 

Pto, did your ex end up calling? I hope everything is going alright with you. Thainara, I admire your strength in being able to block his contact. I did that for about 5 days but then caved. I couldn't handle knowing that I could be missing something. It's really difficult because our relationship has been on-off for years and he's come around so many times that it's hard for me to accept that he probably won't this time. I've been able to convince him to stay with me so many times, so it's like I keep wanting to find the right thing to say to win him over. I texted him a lot yesterday and even a couple of times this morning, and I'm really disappointed in myself. He only responded once:

 

"earlier we decided to go a few months without talking, and I want us to honor that. I want to let you know that I take responsibility for my part in the conflict/issues in the relationship and I realize that it was the dynamic between us that caused the issues, not either of us individually. I forgive you for everything and hope you forgive me. I want us to give each other time and space to heal and don't think talking now will help"

 

Such a mature, kind response, of course. Because he's perfect. Ugh. Anyway. I am forcing myself to go NC starting today again, but I don't know if I can bring myself to block his number. I basically left it off saying that I know we can get through anything and if he really loves me he'll come back. And that we could be so happy together and that I love him so much.

 

I know I shouldn't have. And I'll stop. But I hope so so so badly that he reaches out sometime in the future. I don't know how to accept that he might not

 

I really can't picture a life with anyone else. I don't think I'll find someone else as great. Ugh. I am hurting so much today.

 

I

You are much earlier in the breakup process than a lot of us here so I can only imagine how you feel . I can see why you want to text him and try and fix things but ironically some of the things we do at times like this can work against us. His message is kind and very clear but if you do want to get back with him it would be best to acknowledge his message and his wishes in it and let him know that you are listening to that he said and while you might think differently respect what he has to say . You don't want to sit in limbo for months wondering if he is coming back or if this is a permanent split but I wouldn't suggest you ask him this now . But it is some thing you might want to know in the future . Take this time to heal and focus on yourself . It may not seem like it now but there is a life without him if it does come to that but for now take one day st a time rather than speculating About your future as that will only drive you crazy

[Helpmesavethis]

Hi radiate ..No he didn't call me back. I think he was ok to text me as long as I didn't want to discuss our breakup or status of us . As soon as I asked him to call me as I didn't want to leave things like this He ignored my message . We never actually had a breakup chat or even actually Broke up . He just pushed me away and says he needed some time to himself and then his dad died so that is why I just wanted to know what was going on . He treated me better than any other man when I was with him but he has treated me worse than any other man when he was breaking up with me . He more more mature and settled and committed to me than any other man but when breaking up with me he was the reverse of all that as well. I'm still happy I reached out as if he doesn't get back to me it helps me get some kind of closure myself.

 

I hate he hasn't called back but you still sound like you're moving forward because of his lack of response... Good for you. I've had a great few days but am weak today... I think I'm hormonal so that's what I'm blaming it on. Hahaha I have another busy weekend planned and weekends have been great for me so I'm looking forward to getting out and about and being strong again!!! We'll all have our moments but hang tough!! We can and will get thru this.... And what's meant to be... Will be...

[Pto29538]

I hate he hasn't called back but you still sound like you're moving forward because of his lack of response... Good for you. I've had a great few days but am weak today... I think I'm hormonal so that's what I'm blaming it on. Hahaha I have another busy weekend planned and weekends have been great for me so I'm looking forward to getting out and about and being strong again!!! We'll all have our moments but hang tough!! We can and will get thru this.... And what's meant to be... Will be...

 

Yes part of me knows he will be easier to get over if he doesn't call me back. If he was to call me and act like things were normal I could easily be set back and missing him more . Whereas him being cold and not able to connect emotionally will make me realise how difficult it would be if we were to get more serious. You are lucky to have a lot planned for the weekend to keep you busy. I find it's weekends I miss him more as that's when I would be linking on more with him . I do keep myself busy at weekends as well but I'm conscious always it's doing stuff that he isn't joining me with . It's ok for you to have a weak day . I find some days I'm really moving forward and then I see something it hear a song on the radio and am knocked back down again . I guess that's all part of the process

[Thainara]

Yes part of me knows he will be easier to get over if he doesn't call me back. If he was to call me and act like things were normal I could easily be set back and missing him more . Whereas him being cold and not able to connect emotionally will make me realise how difficult it would be if we were to get more serious. You are lucky to have a lot planned for the weekend to keep you busy. I find it's weekends I miss him more as that's when I would be linking on more with him . I do keep myself busy at weekends as well but I'm conscious always it's doing stuff that he isn't joining me with . It's ok for you to have a weak day . I find some days I'm really moving forward and then I see something it hear a song on the radio and am knocked back down again . I guess that's all part of the process

 

 

Even distant I can feel you're stronger. So I'm glad you reached him out. For me was the final straw 2 weeks ago when I sent the second email to him (because he asked me to fill him in on my life and hurricane) and he never responded. I had an awakening. This associated to my meds created a miracle! It's funny that I still think of him (not all the time) but it's empty, no emotion at all. With Helpme was the same and I'm sure this will be the beginning of your moving on too. Everyone has a limit and after everything done even our mind gets tired of so much suffering. The worst part about our breaking up is that there was no fight, no disagreement, no incompatibility, no reason, no nothing! It's so mind blowing... but whatever, it is what it is. Rooting for you start feeling better very soon.

[mcnugget]

Yes part of me knows he will be easier to get over if he doesn't call me back. If he was to call me and act like things were normal I could easily be set back and missing him more . Whereas him being cold and not able to connect emotionally will make me realise how difficult it would be if we were to get more serious. You are lucky to have a lot planned for the weekend to keep you busy. I find it's weekends I miss him more as that's when I would be linking on more with him . I do keep myself busy at weekends as well but I'm conscious always it's doing stuff that he isn't joining me with . It's ok for you to have a weak day . I find some days I'm really moving forward and then I see something it hear a song on the radio and am knocked back down again . I guess that's all part of the process

 

 

I'm sorry that you didn't hear back from him. I hope that you are able to give yourself some closure. I too try to stay busy, but I am conscious of the activities that I do without my ex. I wonder if he is missing me or enjoying the single life. He's a very social guy. I wonder if he has jumped right back into dating as I cannot bring myself to think of anyone else. His friends all said he had changed for me and I think that meant he had become calmer. I wonder if he is now much wilder again.

 

I gave in and texted him again today. It had been 2 weeks since I last reached out. I just asked about his dad's trip. It was probably a lame text and I likely won't get any response. I just can't stop dreaming of him and I needed to say something.

[Romanticheart1]

This is a great reply. We can so often feel like fools when someone dumps us. If we gave our hearts and did nothing wrong, then we don't have to feel like a fool or idiot.

 

As for getting over a relationship, do things that make you happy. Watch movies, hang out with friends, vent here if your friends don't want to hear it. Eventually it will get better.

[Pto29538]

I'm sorry that you didn't hear back from him. I hope that you are able to give yourself some closure. I too try to stay busy, but I am conscious of the activities that I do without my ex. I wonder if he is missing me or enjoying the single life. He's a very social guy. I wonder if he has jumped right back into dating as I cannot bring myself to think of anyone else. His friends all said he had changed for me and I think that meant he had become calmer. I wonder if he is now much wilder again.

 

I gave in and texted him again today. It had been 2 weeks since I last reached out. I just asked about his dad's trip. It was probably a lame text and I likely won't get any response. I just can't stop dreaming of him and I needed to say something.

 

Well it was 2 weeks since you last texted so it's not like you have been chasing him with texts every day. It sounds also like you are in a rut of dreaming about him etc so maybe this is what you needed to move on if you don't hear back . It does get easier but it's very easy for us to dream about them and miss them all the time . Try and shift a bit of the focus more and more each day to yourself . Yesterday I was full of anger which is a very unusual

Emotion for me but someone told me it is part of the stage of grief . Today I woke up and I'm just very sad . I'm not analysing or dwelling on him just sad and lonely . I will dust myself off and go for a walk with the dog and do some stuff today and hopefully it will improve . I do know as sad as I feel

I'm a lot better than 2 weeks ago . Try not to wonder if he is missing you or if he is out dating again . Men may not miss us or think about us the way we do them

And even if he is out socialising that doesn't mean he is happy. If might've what he needs to miss the time he had with you . Keep focused on each day and yourself and eventually you will feel normal

Again

[mcnugget]

Well it was 2 weeks since you last texted so it's not like you have been chasing him with texts every day. It sounds also like you are in a rut of dreaming about him etc so maybe this is what you needed to move on if you don't hear back . It does get easier but it's very easy for us to dream about them and miss them all the time . Try and shift a bit of the focus more and more each day to yourself . Yesterday I was full of anger which is a very unusual

Emotion for me but someone told me it is part of the stage of grief . Today I woke up and I'm just very sad . I'm not analysing or dwelling on him just sad and lonely . I will dust myself off and go for a walk with the dog and do some stuff today and hopefully it will improve . I do know as sad as I feel

I'm a lot better than 2 weeks ago . Try not to wonder if he is missing you or if he is out dating again . Men may not miss us or think about us the way we do them

And even if he is out socialising that doesn't mean he is happy. If might've what he needs to miss the time he had with you . Keep focused on each day and yourself and eventually you will feel normal

Again

 

Much to my surprise, I did hear back. He didn't ask about me, but he gave me a detailed response. We have each sent about 3 or 4 texts back and forth. He hasn't inquired about me at all, but he has been responsive and has given me a lot of information. It was always like that in our relationship. He's traveling right now and visiting his family. I am not going to assume that this means anything, but I do feel less sad.

[Pto29538]

Much to my surprise, I did hear back. He didn't ask about me, but he gave me a detailed response. We have each sent about 3 or 4 texts back and forth. He hasn't inquired about me at all, but he has been responsive and has given me a lot of information. It was always like that in our relationship. He's traveling right now and visiting his family. I am not going to assume that this means anything, but I do feel less sad.

 

It's good it means you are less sad and the fact he replies shows he still has respect for you . Think of yourself now that you feel more strong and less sad . Think how can you build yourself up to not want to contact him again . So the the next time it's him that wants to get in touch with you and missing you . Harder said than done i know . In a way I know it's easier for me when my ex hasn't got back to me . It's much easier to get over a person that can't face talking to you . I've had exes before that texted me for months afterwards sending me photos of their dogs and other things going on in their life's . It just spread my heartbreak out over a longer period but I think at it time it was what I needed as the odd text from him gave me momentary release from the pain although I don't know if it was good for me in terms of moving on .

[Thainara]

For me it was a blessing he not responding to my last email. I got the strength I needed to decide I didn't want a guy like this and started to move on. Yesterday I went out on a date and I was surprisingly good! We talked a lot and most of the time he made me belly laugh. I didn't think about my ex even once and the best I didn't compare both of them. And when I got home, after 5 hours, I thought to myself: yes, definitely I can find someone else and be happy (even though it's not the guy I dated yesterday). I got some lessons from my ex... if they start to rush things in, I will run away. I'm madly in love with you, I want to marry you and blablabla in the very beginning, are huge red flags. I want to take things slow now. We do have to know each other well before talking about moving in together or getting married. So I learned a lot. And the very first step to start move on is to accept it's over. I read this somewhere on the internet but I was still not ready. Everyone has a different timing but we all get there somehow.

[Helpmesavethis]

For me it was a blessing he not responding to my last email. I got the strength I needed to decide I didn't want a guy like this and started to move on. Yesterday I went out on a date and I was surprisingly good! We talked a lot and most of the time he made me belly laugh. I didn't think about my ex even once and the best I didn't compare both of them. And when I got home, after 5 hours, I thought to myself: yes, definitely I can find someone else and be happy (even though it's not the guy I dated yesterday). I got some lessons from my ex... if they start to rush things in, I will run away. I'm madly in love with you, I want to marry you and blablabla in the very beginning, are huge red flags. I want to take things slow now. We do have to know each other well before talking about moving in together or getting married. So I learned a lot. And the very first step to start move on is to accept it's over. I read this somewhere on the internet but I was still not ready. Everyone has a different timing but we all get there somehow.

 

I agree... No matter how good we think/thought they were... They aren't because of what they're doing/not doing for us now. We have to accept it and move on to bigger and better things out there. I'm glad you enjoyed your date. I "talk" to a few different guys here and there but I've yet to bite the bullet and go out with one. Mainly because I'm so busy with my horses right now but when things slow down for my showing, I'll be open and ready for it.

[mcnugget]

It's good it means you are less sad and the fact he replies shows he still has respect for you . Think of yourself now that you feel more strong and less sad . Think how can you build yourself up to not want to contact him again . So the the next time it's him that wants to get in touch with you and missing you . Harder said than done i know . In a way I know it's easier for me when my ex hasn't got back to me . It's much easier to get over a person that can't face talking to you . I've had exes before that texted me for months afterwards sending me photos of their dogs and other things going on in their life's . It just spread my heartbreak out over a longer period but I think at it time it was what I needed as the odd text from him gave me momentary release from the pain although I don't know if it was good for me in terms of moving on .

 

 

I haven't heard back from him since yesterday morning. His sister has been posting pictures of him on Facebook and I can't get over how handsome he is. I am a crazy person. I am obsessed with him. I was out with friends today and I was staring a woman down because I thought she might be his ex girlfriend, which is absolutely nuts since his ex-girlfriend lives across the country. I have lost my darn mind. His family had been liking and commenting on all of my social media posts and pictures, but they stopped the other day when he started his family visit. I am an attractive and successful woman. I have never been hit like this by any event. I've never felt deep depression like this and I have never become so obsessed.

 

To him it probably looks like I am keeping it together. I have not blown up his phone. I didn't cry in front of him when we got together for the key exchange... I even told him that I would be fine. I have a new job. I've posted plenty of pictures of me traveling, at amusement parks, horseback riding, out with friends, on spa days, volunteering, at family events, etc. I've lost weight and I'm looking happy and healthy and smiling. My texts have been conversational and pretty surface level.

 

I don't know where to go from here. I just love him so much and things were so good that I'm having an impossible time letting go. I can't reconcile that we were on an amazing vacation discussing baby names weeks before we broke up. That we were talking about our wedding the day before we broke up. That we were talking about the holidays 20 minutes before we broke up. That we were planning on going to the spa the next day. That he was snuggling me and feeding me from his fork that morning. I can't make sense of it. How do you just proclaim "this relationship can't go any further?"

[Pto29538]

I haven't heard back from him since yesterday morning. His sister has been posting pictures of him on Facebook and I can't get over how handsome he is. I am a crazy person. I am obsessed with him. I was out with friends today and I was staring a woman down because I thought she might be his ex girlfriend, which is absolutely nuts since his ex-girlfriend lives across the country. I have lost my darn mind. His family had been liking and commenting on all of my social media posts and pictures, but they stopped the other day when he started his family visit. I am an attractive and successful woman. I have never been hit like this by any event. I've never felt deep depression like this and I have never become so obsessed.

 

To him it probably looks like I am keeping it together. I have not blown up his phone. I didn't cry in front of him when we got together for the key exchange... I even told him that I would be fine. I have a new job. I've posted plenty of pictures of me traveling, at amusement parks, horseback riding, out with friends, on spa days, volunteering, at family events, etc. I've lost weight and I'm looking happy and healthy and smiling. My texts have been conversational and pretty surface level.

 

I don't know where to go from here. I just love him so much and things were so good that I'm having an impossible time letting go. I can't reconcile that we were on an amazing vacation discussing baby names weeks before we broke up. That we were talking about our wedding the day before we broke up. That we were talking about the holidays 20 minutes before we broke up. That we were planning on going to the spa the next day. That he was snuggling me and feeding me from his fork that morning. I can't make sense of it. How do you just proclaim "this relationship can't go any further?"

 

You seem to be in a state of shock still and are sort of in denial it is over at least for now . I can understand this as it seemed to happen so quickly so you didn't have time to process it . I have spent a long time in denial as well as I got a terrible shock as well but I think I'm coming out of that phase now . I do think acceptance of the situation is needed if we are to ever move on . While you are still following him on social media you know his whereabouts and there is no surprise then when you find it difficult to move on in your head . I'm lucky my guy is 46 so doesn't do Facebook . I understand your wish to want him to see you looking happy and enjoying yourself on Facebook but these wonderful things you are doing should be primarily for yourself . Your energy seems to be very much still with him. You need to take it back and focus on yourself . If you could delete him off Facebook it would be a great step forward and doing that would have probably more of an impact on him than actually viewing a happy photo of you . You found out from his text and Facebook that he is visiting family at the moment . Think how much freer your mind you be if you didn't actually know what he was doing . If I was told I would get an hourly update of what my ex was up every day since we split up I think I might have went insane . My mind couldn't cope . Nothing you will see on his Facebook will make you feel better so would that not be enough reason to delete it . One of the other things that I identify with from your mail is that you say your relationship and him was perfect or at least no major red flags right to the end. I thought that for weeks as well. People would say focus on the negatives of your relationship and I couldn't because there was very little to focus on except a few things like he snored and was a clean freak etc . Then one day I realised the fact my man could panic and run in the space of a day or 2 was actually a worse defect in our relationship than if we rowed ever night. Similarly in your case the fact that your ex was able to panic so quickly after getting so close to you shows that he wasn't emotionally available and ironically the deeper you were going the less he seemed to be able to handle it . So this is an extreme flaw in his character irrespective of how good looking or nice or whatever else he was . You know him best so ignore my statement if it's not relevant but if it is true then focus on that as opposed to how good looking he is . Like my guy clearly your man had some thoughts going through his head for the time leading up to this even if he was trying to fight or deny them. But the fact neither of them could communicate and tell us and instead bolted shows that they might not be the ideal partners we made them out to be even if they treated us like princesses . These are just my thoughts so ignore anything that isn't relevant as each situation is different I know

[Helpmesavethis]

I agree with PTO... I don't want to be harsh but... You've got to get yourself together. If it's meant to be, he'll come back but you need to work on YOU first. Delete him and his family. Go NC. It's the only way you're going to be able to move forward with life. You can do it. We all know how hard it is but you've got to toughen up and get your mind straight or else you will go crazy and never get thru this. The more you contact him, the more he's likely going to run.... Stop being so desperate. Let him miss you... Come here and message us instead of him. Be strong!!

[Pto29538]

I haven't heard back from him since yesterday morning. His sister has been posting pictures of him on Facebook and I can't get over how handsome he is. I am a crazy person. I am obsessed with him. I was out with friends today and I was staring a woman down because I thought she might be his ex girlfriend, which is absolutely nuts since his ex-girlfriend lives across the country. I have lost my darn mind. His family had been liking and commenting on all of my social media posts and pictures, but they stopped the other day when he started his family visit. I am an attractive and successful woman. I have never been hit like this by any event. I've never felt deep depression like this and I have never become so obsessed.

 

To him it probably looks like I am keeping it together. I have not blown up his phone. I didn't cry in front of him when we got together for the key exchange... I even told him that I would be fine. I have a new job. I've posted plenty of pictures of me traveling, at amusement parks, horseback riding, out with friends, on spa days, volunteering, at family events, etc. I've lost weight and I'm looking happy and healthy and smiling. My texts have been conversational and pretty surface level.

 

I don't know where to go from here. I just love him so much and things were so good that I'm having an impossible time letting go. I can't reconcile that we were on an amazing vacation discussing baby names weeks before we broke up. That we were talking about our wedding the day before we broke up. That we were talking about the holidays 20 minutes before we broke up. That we were planning on going to the spa the next day. That he was snuggling me and feeding me from his fork that morning. I can't make sense of it. How do you just proclaim "this relationship can't go any further?"

 

I am looking at my reply and I hope I didn't sound too harsh . You seem to be struggling and when I look back at some of your older messages you seem to have been in a better place than you are now . Do you think you were? Maybe You were just in shock in the beginning so sounded more positive

[mcnugget]

I am looking at my reply and I hope I didn't sound too harsh . You seem to be struggling and when I look back at some of your older messages you seem to have been in a better place than you are now . Do you think you were? Maybe You were just in shock in the beginning so sounded more positive

 

 

You weren't harsh at all. I think I was in a much better place early on. I was in shock and I think I really felt we would talk and work things out. Our breakup was extremely sudden and started with me overreacting to his actions at a bachelor party and then finding out he had been talking to an ex girlfriend for a few weeks. I was the one who initiated things and it escalated. In the final moments he felt like he had hurt me too much and I was ignoring him and we couldn't move past things. I keep replaying things, because if I had handled things differently we didn't have to breakup. What happened was forgivable. The bachelor party shenanigans weren't too bad and the ex-girlfriend speak could have been talked through. I came from a place of hurt and stress and I hadn't been giving him the attention or reassurance he needed either.

 

I think in the beginning I was fueled by trying to justify my reaction to the bachelor party and the ex-girlfriend. It still hadn't fully sunk in that I had lost my best friend and lover over things that I could ultimately get past. Now I'm realizing that he likely isn't coming back and I probably didn't need to lose him. I just blame myself and feel numb and empty.

[mcnugget]

I agree with PTO... I don't want to be harsh but... You've got to get yourself together. If it's meant to be, he'll come back but you need to work on YOU first. Delete him and his family. Go NC. It's the only way you're going to be able to move forward with life. You can do it. We all know how hard it is but you've got to toughen up and get your mind straight or else you will go crazy and never get thru this. The more you contact him, the more he's likely going to run.... Stop being so desperate. Let him miss you... Come here and message us instead of him. Be strong!!

 

I know. I really do need to get myself together. I was NC for a month+ other than the one line text in September. I waited 2 weeks before sending another text and was surprised that he was responsive. I know I'm being crazy, my friends and family know I'm being crazy, you know I'm being crazy, but I don't think that he knows.

[Radiate21]

Hi everyone, sorry I didn't respond to messages last week. I've had a difficult last few days. I stopped contacting him after Friday like you all suggested, so it's been 3 days NC for me now. I don't plan on reaching out because he made it very clear that he doesn't want to speak.

 

I did a lot of drinking and flirting with guys on Saturday night. Much too much drinking. I don't think it's a good way to cope. I need to get myself off of Tinder. I just can't understand how to fully get over someone without finding someone else? I feel like I will always think he is the best thing that will happen to me until I find someone else. Where do you get the faith that that isn't true from? If someone's shown you to be the best you've had in your life, how do you bank on the idea that something like that will happen again? I just can't bring myself to.

 

I hope you're all doing okay this Monday. Another week, here we come...

[Helpmesavethis]

It gets better with time, I promise. Yeah, I still think about mine but not anywhere near as much as I was and as time goes by, it's less and less and less... I know it'll eventually get to where he isn't crossing my mind at all. Is that necessarily what I want, no but it's what I'm doing for myself. I deserve better than what he's giving me. I know this and my heart is beginning to believe it... You need to let your heart heal before moving on. I feel like I'm in a spot where I wouldn't be using someone else as a bandaid where 2+ weeks ago, that's all anyone else in my life would have been. You cannot use people like that because you don't want it done to you. You'll get thru this. It just takes time. And lots of strength. I keep myself busy for the most part and that's what it's taking for me to move on. Yes, get out and do things but getting drunk and flirting is only masking the pain, not healing it (I like to drink so I'm not being anti drinking or anything)... Go to the gym, for a walk, spend time with friends. And most of all.... Stay NC.

[Radiate21]

It gets better with time, I promise. Yeah, I still think about mine but not anywhere near as much as I was and as time goes by, it's less and less and less... I know it'll eventually get to where he isn't crossing my mind at all. Is that necessarily what I want, no but it's what I'm doing for myself. I deserve better than what he's giving me. I know this and my heart is beginning to believe it... You need to let your heart heal before moving on. I feel like I'm in a spot where I wouldn't be using someone else as a bandaid where 2+ weeks ago, that's all anyone else in my life would have been. You cannot use people like that because you don't want it done to you. You'll get thru this. It just takes time. And lots of strength. I keep myself busy for the most part and that's what it's taking for me to move on. Yes, get out and do things but getting drunk and flirting is only masking the pain, not healing it (I like to drink so I'm not being anti drinking or anything)... Go to the gym, for a walk, spend time with friends. And most of all.... Stay NC.

 

It's lovely to hear that time has helped you. It's always so hard to believe in time when you're in the thick of the pain. There was a time my ex and I broke up for around 3 months a couple of years ago, and I remember being depressed the entire time. I think that is part of why I'm worried about how long it will take me to heal. But, at the same time, I am in a very different place than I was 2 years ago and have a lot more context for our relationship and what did/didn't work about it. I'm hoping that I have more wisdom, perspective, and strength than I did that summer in college, because I do not want to be depressed for 3+ months again.

 

I know, stay NC!!!!! I'm trying so hard. I need to get to the gym, too. I haven't been able to because I can't eat. And I don't want to work out when I'm already losing a few pounds per week.

[Helpmesavethis]

It's lovely to hear that time has helped you. It's always so hard to believe in time when you're in the thick of the pain. There was a time my ex and I broke up for around 3 months a couple of years ago, and I remember being depressed the entire time. I think that is part of why I'm worried about how long it will take me to heal. But, at the same time, I am in a very different place than I was 2 years ago and have a lot more context for our relationship and what did/didn't work about it. I'm hoping that I have more wisdom, perspective, and strength than I did that summer in college, because I do not want to be depressed for 3+ months again.

 

I know, stay NC!!!!! I'm trying so hard. I need to get to the gym, too. I haven't been able to because I can't eat. And I don't want to work out when I'm already losing a few pounds per week.

 

And I understand the not eating etc.... I lost around 15lbs... But am getting back to where I am able to eat and enjoy things again etc. We've all been there. You just have to sit yourself down and say I can and will get thru this. I deserve better. I am strong. I am a good person and someone out there will be damn lucky to have me. But.. you have to heal your heart first. I'm at almost 7 weeks post breakup. Friday was bad for me. I was weak, I cried a lot and I hadn't done that for probably close to 10 days or so... But I got thru it and I honestly feel great today. Trust me, I've been lower than low, I have fought with myself up one side and down the other. But once you get over that hump, it gets better and better. You have to push yourself thru but you'll get there. Hang in there and anything I can do to help, let me know. And I honestly don't mean to come across harsh to anyone if I am. Just trying to help you get yourself a reality check because you deserve better than what these people are putting you thru. Yeah, I think my guy is a great guy but how is he so great to put me thru all the heartache and pain he has the last several weeks... Yeah.. real great.... I'm just now figuring that out.... Ha

[Helpmesavethis]

I know. I really do need to get myself together. I was NC for a month+ other than the one line text in September. I waited 2 weeks before sending another text and was surprised that he was responsive. I know I'm being crazy, my friends and family know I'm being crazy, you know I'm being crazy, but I don't think that he knows.

 

Ha. Well as long as he doesn't know then it's all good.. Seriously, for your own sanity... You really need to get yourself together... You're worth so much more and better than that. It truly sucks... I know but like I said above to Radiate.. once you get over the hump, it gets easier and easier and easier... You can do it!! Stay strong!!

[Pto29538]

You weren't harsh at all. I think I was in a much better place early on. I was in shock and I think I really felt we would talk and work things out. Our breakup was extremely sudden and started with me overreacting to his actions at a bachelor party and then finding out he had been talking to an ex girlfriend for a few weeks. I was the one who initiated things and it escalated. In the final moments he felt like he had hurt me too much and I was ignoring him and we couldn't move past things. I keep replaying things, because if I had handled things differently we didn't have to breakup. What happened was forgivable. The bachelor party shenanigans weren't too bad and the ex-girlfriend speak could have been talked through. I came from a place of hurt and stress and I hadn't been giving him the attention or reassurance he needed either.

 

I think in the beginning I was fueled by trying to justify my reaction to the bachelor party and the ex-girlfriend. It still hadn't fully sunk in that I had lost my best friend and lover over things that I could ultimately get past. Now I'm realizing that he likely isn't coming back and I probably didn't need to lose him. I just blame myself and feel numb and empty.

 

I engage in a lot of self blame as well and that can leave you really stuck . You say in your message what he did at the bachelor party and contacting his ex was all forgivable stuff . Likewise you going a bit mad giving out to him about it was equally as forgivable !!! Couples row all the time and the fun can be in the making up . However in this case he didn't want to communicate about it or discuss with you . So my guess is that while this row was maybe the last thing you remember there was a lot more to the break up. If there was nothing else going on in his head in the background then this would have been an every day disagreement and you would have both made up and maybe come to some arrangement about him being in touch with his ex . This row which you are placing all your energy on blaming yourself with was only the tip of the iceberg the bit you could hear and see but the other stuff in his head wasn't visible such as issues he might have had with commitment or connecting emotionally etc etc You said yourself I think that it was fear that sent him bolting . Realistically no one splits up over a row over normal items like you discussed. im in a similar situation where I went mad at my ex one morning he went to football with his children and didn't come . I came from a place of feeling he was neglecting me and feeling left out so I told him I needed to be some sort of priority to him. I was very cross and annoyed with him and it isn't my nature to be confrontational. I had always made sure his kids were a priority so this was the first time I sort of stood up for myself in a way . In the middle of the argument he sort of shut down and let me rant on a bit. That day was the last time I saw him. A few weeks beforehand he did open up to me and tell me he was panicking the more he was falling for me and that he had all this stuff in his head . I do think he had started to push me away after that . But again even though he had all this other issue stuff going on I still choose to beat myself up over the one row in our 10 months that I initiated and the only time I raised my voice to him. It's self sabotage and we need to both realise we are the ones that were open to communicate discuss and work things out . They are the ones that have left . Both of us were pushed to react the way we did but if we had two men that really wanted to stay with us a row wasn't going to send them off without wanting to work with us