Heartbroken.. Seeking advice to help me move on?

[Helpmesavethis]

I guess my end goal is really to get back together. I want to do whatever makes that most likely. I don't know if that's giving him space, contacting him, reaching out to his family? I just don't know that I can sit on my hands forever and never speak to him again. I can't imagine him admitting his mistake even if he realizes it. He honestly wouldn't want to cause me more heartbreak and would just tell himself that he needed to move on and live with his mistake. He is not very open emotionally and doesn't like to think or talk about things.

 

That's my goal too but I know it isn't going to happen.

 

I wouldn't reach out to his family. Don't put anyone in the middle. And that also might just make him mad. I don't know him so I can't say what his reaction will be to anything you do. I believe in NC for healing more than anything. Others say that's what it takes for one to miss you... I would think after 2 1/2 weeks he would but others feel it takes longer. So... Going at the advice of the majority, give him a little more time before reaching out if your goal is to reconcile. An who knows, he may reach out to you. I truly believe that if a guy wanted to be with you, then nothing would stop him... Especially if he knows you want to be with him.

[mcnugget]

That's my goal too but I know it isn't going to happen.

 

I wouldn't reach out to his family. Don't put anyone in the middle. And that also might just make him mad. I don't know him so I can't say what his reaction will be to anything you do. I believe in NC for healing more than anything. Others say that's what it takes for one to miss you... I would think after 2 1/2 weeks he would but others feel it takes longer. So... Going at the advice of the majority, give him a little more time before reaching out if your goal is to reconcile. An who knows, he may reach out to you. I truly believe that if a guy wanted to be with you, then nothing would stop him... Especially if he knows you want to be with him.

 

I'm sorry that you're in pain too. I know that we're all in pain. I thank everyone for the support.

 

I am hesitant to reach out to his friends or family too. My aunt suggested it, but I don't know that it would be appropriate. His family continues to like all of my Facebook/IG photos. When we had coffee he told me how sad his mom was about our breakup. He is very close to his family so I hoped that maybe they could give me some advice, but it would probably inappropriate.

 

I will wait a bit longer before I do anything. I'm sure he needs more space and time, but I don't want to give him too much space and time. There probably isn't any chance for us. He is way too stubborn and he has made up his mind... plus he is talking to his ex girlfriend and probably back on Tinder. I just miss him so much. I can't imagine that our first fight could be the end of all contact forever.

[RG38]

 

sorry, i dont know why i couldn't send or received any pm

[Thainara]

Welcome to the club, everyone... I also was living a fairy tale, like the Cindeingrella. He took me to Hawaii and spoiled me like never no one did before... he was the one who said I should move to Cali (I live in Florida) and that he never felt like this before and he wanted to marry me and blablabla... then he started saying we were moving too fast, that he was still in the middle of his divorce and he was afraid of making a wrong choice again... I blocked and unblocked him a couple of times and when we talked he said he was very depressed and missing me a lot... he drunk texted me once saying he was going to love me forever.. next day I told him what he meant by that and he responded "I will always love you but it doesn't mean we have to stay together". Then I went 6 weeks of no contact. I talked to him again 3 weeks ago and it was friendly but I was the one who always had to start a conversation. Then I blocked him again and he keeps checking his whatsapp everyday (he only have me in his whataspp). I had to go to a psychiatrist to get antidepressant... sometimes I have panic attacks. I think that in our case it's harder to move on because we didn't have time to have bad moments or bad memories with them... I just keep wondering why he ended something that was so good. I think they have major issues... and yes, I also hate myself sometime for having believed in everything he told me and dug so fast in a so hurtful relationship... btw, I lost my job because of my depression... so the outcome was a disaster. I just pray everyday to God take his off my mind. It's so obsessive that I think I can't deal with this anymore... I look like a zombie now. It feels like i have no soul anymore.

[mcnugget]

Welcome to the club, everyone... I also was living a fairy tale, like the Cindeingrella. He took me to Hawaii and spoiled me like never no one did before... he was the one who said I should move to Cali (I live in Florida) and that he never felt like this before and he wanted to marry me and blablabla... then he started saying we were moving too fast, that he was still in the middle of his divorce and he was afraid of making a wrong choice again... I blocked and unblocked him a couple of times and when we talked he said he was very depressed and missing me a lot... he drunk texted me once saying he was going to love me forever.. next day I told him what he meant by that and he responded "I will always love you but it doesn't mean we have to stay together". Then I went 6 weeks of no contact. I talked to him again 3 weeks ago and it was friendly but I was the one who always had to start a conversation. Then I blocked him again and he keeps checking his whatsapp everyday (he only have me in his whataspp). I had to go to a psychiatrist to get antidepressant... sometimes I have panic attacks. I think that in our case it's harder to move on because we didn't have time to have bad moments or bad memories with them... I just keep wondering why he ended something that was so good. I think they have major issues... and yes, I also hate myself sometime for having believed in everything he told me and dug so fast in a so hurtful relationship... btw, I lost my job because of my depression... so the outcome was a disaster. I just pray everyday to God take his off my mind. It's so obsessive that I think I can't deal with this anymore... I look like a zombie now. It feels like i have no soul anymore.

 

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I very much feel your pain. I also went on a tropical vacation with my ex and he spoiled me and talked of marriage. It is hard to move on when you don't have bad memories. I am afraid that I will also lose my job because I have become so depressed. I cannot explain why they end something so good. It's so hard to get them off of your mind when you spend every moment searching for an answer. It's frustrating when you know that you should be together and you just want to go back to being happy, but you can't make the other person participate. I know that everyone speaks of self love, but sometimes your vision of happiness includes someone else.

 

I was reading an article last night about the breakup process and the grief process. It basically talked about the stages of grief and that in most breakups there is the anger stage and that helps in recovery. This article said that sometimes in sudden breakups there is no anger and that just leaves a person with feelings of abandonment. If the person already has a history of abandonment that can lead to deep depression. I am someone with a history and fear of abandonment. Stability and comfort is the main thing I look for in a relationship. My relationship was very stable and then it was completely over. I think that is why I am having such a difficult time accepting things.

[royalbanana]

Woke up today, I felt . The first thing I did was searching up my cheating ex on IG just to see that she has gained a few more followers(I have unfollowed her, and her acc is set to private). I have no idea why I do this, but I obviously don't move forward. Shiiiiiiiitttttttttttt.

[Pto29538]

............,

[Helpmesavethis]

Welcome to the club, everyone... I also was living a fairy tale, like the Cindeingrella. He took me to Hawaii and spoiled me like never no one did before... he was the one who said I should move to Cali (I live in Florida) and that he never felt like this before and he wanted to marry me and blablabla... then he started saying we were moving too fast, that he was still in the middle of his divorce and he was afraid of making a wrong choice again... I blocked and unblocked him a couple of times and when we talked he said he was very depressed and missing me a lot... he drunk texted me once saying he was going to love me forever.. next day I told him what he meant by that and he responded "I will always love you but it doesn't mean we have to stay together". Then I went 6 weeks of no contact. I talked to him again 3 weeks ago and it was friendly but I was the one who always had to start a conversation. Then I blocked him again and he keeps checking his whatsapp everyday (he only have me in his whataspp). I had to go to a psychiatrist to get antidepressant... sometimes I have panic attacks. I think that in our case it's harder to move on because we didn't have time to have bad moments or bad memories with them... I just keep wondering why he ended something that was so good. I think they have major issues... and yes, I also hate myself sometime for having believed in everything he told me and dug so fast in a so hurtful relationship... btw, I lost my job because of my depression... so the outcome was a disaster. I just pray everyday to God take his off my mind. It's so obsessive that I think I can't deal with this anymore... I look like a zombie now. It feels like i have no soul anymore.

 

I'm so sorry you're going thru this. I definitely would keep NC of I were you. You'll never be able to get over it or heal of you dont. You've at least gotten yourself help. It is obsessive, I want mine off my mind as well, it drives me nuts. You have to get control of your emotions though. Get yourself together and set your mind to it that you're not going to his pages, block all of his stuff (and don't go back to it), delete everything. It's all extremely hard to do but once you do it and don't have those things to go back on, it gets easier. But you're absolutely right that we have no bad things to go back on to help ease our pain of why we deserve better. My job has been affected as well and I tell myself daily that I have to get my head out of my @$$ and work... I hope you get out with friends and family. Do you have support around you?

[Helpmesavethis]

Woke up today, I felt . The first thing I did was searching up my cheating ex on IG just to see that she has gained a few more followers(I have unfollowed her, and her acc is set to private). I have no idea why I do this, but I obviously don't move forward. Shiiiiiiiitttttttttttt.

 

Awe.... You've got to set your mind to not do these things. When you're tempted, STOP. Think of how it affects you when you do look.... And tell yourself no, I'm not going there. Trust me I think about checking mines pages daily, heck if not hourly but I stop myself because I know how it makes me feel when I do and it's not good.... So it's easier to stay off. The more you stop yourself, the easier it gets to stay off.

[jchilds24861]

Hello All!

 

This thread has been a huge source of insight and healthy support for me over the past 8 weeks. I have been no contact with my ex for almost 4 weeks now, it is absolutely true that the recovery process is no linear movement. I still have my down days.. yet as the time passes these days are fading. I was hoping to gather some insight, especially from an outside perspective.

 

My ex and I had been living together for 6 months (We were together 9 months), after the initial shock of hearing the BU conversation I was determined to handle this particular BU as maturely as possible (I failed to accomplish this). I tried to grip my thoughts on the reasons I was given as to the BU, something that I have now accepted and understand. Two weeks passed and I began to grow frustrated because at least 50% of her belongings remained in the apartment we shared. I was reminded daily of the life we shared by knickknacks, clothes, jewelry (ect.). Messages were exchanged about times and dates when it would be convenient for her to gather her remaining items but on the set days there were reasons given why she could not make the agreed on proposal. Her reasons were valid (Picking up a shift for work) but after the 2nd time frustration set in as I stated. When I brought up that this was an important item for me to move on I was told that "Work" was the only priority on her mind. I understand this.. I work full time as well, I have career that excites me and is also a priority but as adults we always have more than one priority. It's a balancing act that we all do. I had also spent the entire day prior packing all her belongings up in boxes, wrapping all the "fragile" items with newspaper, taking the time to list the items housed in the boxes. I had made her aware that I would help pre-pack her items, we were always a team.. we moved in together .. I would help her move out.. I had felt that just because we had separated it shouldn't change that. So when the text came through that she couldn't make it, I packed my car with everything that I could fit in it and took it over to her moms. Healing was important and seeing the constant reminders was breaking my walls down daily. I had been sleeping on the couch for the past 3 weeks as well due to the fact I didn't feel comfortable sleeping on hers (My mattress was in the storage unit that came with the apartment).

 

Now all that remained was her mattress/headboard/one last box of items. It took another two weeks for these items to be picked up. During those two weeks I had also found out news that still stings me to the core. That she was leaving with another man to travel Canada coast to coast living out of a van. Quitting her job and leaving all behind. The reasons I were given for the BU didn't add up anymore (Granted they don't have to, but honesty is appreciated). Resentment set in, anger,guilt, angst and animosity consumed me and I made some poor decisions after. We had arranged that I would give her security deposit back and pay her in full for the furniture that she had purchased due to it being logistically not feasible for her to move it back to her parents. This totaled at $750.. after I found about the plans.. I was so consumed by anger that I moved the furniture I didn't want to keep into the storage unit for her to take.. I cut her a check for her portion of the security deposit.. I left her a note stating that she had been off the lease for a month now.. that I had been storing her belongings/packing her belongins/moving her belongings that I was returning the furniture I didn't want and only giving her $150 for the couch (Couch was $250). I'm not proud of how I handled it... I was so consumed by my primal emotions that I lost my sense of self (Not an excuse), all I could think of was that I was funding this trip. She wasn't happy.. threatened me.. so on and so forth.

 

Does this make a unforgivable person? The situation is very unsettling to me..

[Thainara]

I'm so sorry you're going thru this. I definitely would keep NC of I were you. You'll never be able to get over it or heal of you dont. You've at least gotten yourself help. It is obsessive, I want mine off my mind as well, it drives me nuts. You have to get control of your emotions though. Get yourself together and set your mind to it that you're not going to his pages, block all of his stuff (and don't go back to it), delete everything. It's all extremely hard to do but once you do it and don't have those things to go back on, it gets easier. But you're absolutely right that we have no bad things to go back on to help ease our pain of why we deserve better. My job has been affected as well and I tell myself daily that I have to get my head out of my @$$ and work... I hope you get out with friends and family. Do you have support around you?

 

No support, no friends, only my 26 on that is not supportive at all, he's living his own life. I'm from Brazil and I bought my ticket back for the end of November.. I didn't tell anyone in Brazil what's going on here.. so now I'm spending day after day in my bedroom, watching videos, reading self help texts and trying to figure how to heal from this horrible pain. I think that most of what I'm feeling is because my own issues... I've always been sooo afraid of being abandoned and rejected and that's what I've been attracting my whole life. When I met this guy, I had just healed from another brokeup of a 8-year relationship where the guy cheated on me... I'm scared to death of falling in love again because my pattern will attract guys who will always abandon me... I promised myself never to connect again or open my heart to another guy... it's really too painful.

[Thainara]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I very much feel your pain. I also went on a tropical vacation with my ex and he spoiled me and talked of marriage. It is hard to move on when you don't have bad memories. I am afraid that I will also lose my job because I have become so depressed. I cannot explain why they end something so good. It's so hard to get them off of your mind when you spend every moment searching for an answer. It's frustrating when you know that you should be together and you just want to go back to being happy, but you can't make the other person participate. I know that everyone speaks of self love, but sometimes your vision of happiness includes someone else.

 

I was reading an article last night about the breakup process and the grief process. It basically talked about the stages of grief and that in most breakups there is the anger stage and that helps in recovery. This article said that sometimes in sudden breakups there is no anger and that just leaves a person with feelings of abandonment. If the person already has a history of abandonment that can lead to deep depression. I am someone with a history and fear of abandonment. Stability and comfort is the main thing I look for in a relationship. My relationship was very stable and then it was completely over. I think that is why I am having such a difficult time accepting things.

 

Exactly! I have major issues of abandonment and rejection and according to the Law of Attraction what you most fear is what you attract to your life... I am 54 yo and somehow I've been abandoned by all my partners even though most of the time I was the one to break up. Now I know that I will keep attracting that to my life and I decided not to love again... this thought brings me a certain relief. If you talk to a psychologist, they will tell you that it's an unconscious pattern we have and we'll keep doing that until we heal it...

 

Every time I've been abandoned I fell into a deep depression... like now, I'm weighing 108 pounds, losing my hair, shaking a lot because of the med... I look at the mirror and I don't know who I am anymore, a real stranger. But when we were together, I was the funniest, happiest and most attractive woman in the world.. so I have many issues.. I just feel happy when I have someone in my life. I'm dependent of a partner to feel lovable, worthy, healthy.

 

It's all so sad because I know I'll never be happy until I address all these issues... that's why I feel so hopeless now, because despite all that, I'm a great person, with a great heart ... the kind of person everyone likes at first sight because they can see my goodness.. but when it comes to relationships... oh boy, I suck really bad.

[Pto29538]

Exactly! I have major issues of abandonment and rejection and according to the Law of Attraction what you most fear is what you attract to your life... I am 54 yo and somehow I've been abandoned by all my partners even though most of the time I was the one to break up. Now I know that I will keep attracting that to my life and I decided not to love again... this thought brings me a certain relief. If you talk to a psychologist, they will tell you that it's an unconscious pattern we have and we'll keep doing that until we heal it...

 

Every time I've been abandoned I fell into a deep depression... like now, I'm weighing 108 pounds, losing my hair, shaking a lot because of the med... I look at the mirror and I don't know who I am anymore, a real stranger. But when we were together, I was the funniest, happiest and most attractive woman in the world.. so I have many issues.. I just feel happy when I have someone in my life. I'm dependent of a partner to feel lovable, worthy, healthy.

 

It's all so sad because I know I'll never be happy until I address all these issues... that's why I feel so hopeless now, because despite all that, I'm a great person, with a great heart ... the kind of person everyone likes at first sight because they can see my goodness.. but when it comes to relationships... oh boy, I suck really bad.

 

 

You are been very hard on your self . You clearly have a very good heart and are a lovely happy person underneath all of this. I agree in the law of attraction but it does take 2 people to be in a relationship and your partner has a pattern as well . They have their own fears and psychological issues . In my opinion you are being too hard on your self ,blaming it on law of attraction as there is so much more complexity to a relationship. There are those as well that believe in karma and past life's but it's best not to blame what I did in a past life on why my partner left me. It's only another reason to beat myself up. Yes I believe there might be unconscious patterns running and if we do see red flags in a relationship and choose to ignore them early on then that is something we can improve on. I understand the feeling of you thinking you need a man to make you that happy person again but that person is still very much you. You need to find yourself again and that will come with time and distance . You don't need to make a decision to close down to love at this stage , you can decide that again , it's too hard to be trying to think of the future now, that is only another pressure , just focus on getting through each day for the moment ,

[Pto29538]

Hello All!

 

This thread has been a huge source of insight and healthy support for me over the past 8 weeks. I have been no contact with my ex for almost 4 weeks now, it is absolutely true that the recovery process is no linear movement. I still have my down days.. yet as the time passes these days are fading. I was hoping to gather some insight, especially from an outside perspective.

 

My ex and I had been living together for 6 months (We were together 9 months), after the initial shock of hearing the BU conversation I was determined to handle this particular BU as maturely as possible (I failed to accomplish this). I tried to grip my thoughts on the reasons I was given as to the BU, something that I have now accepted and understand. Two weeks passed and I began to grow frustrated because at least 50% of her belongings remained in the apartment we shared. I was reminded daily of the life we shared by knickknacks, clothes, jewelry (ect.). Messages were exchanged about times and dates when it would be convenient for her to gather her remaining items but on the set days there were reasons given why she could not make the agreed on proposal. Her reasons were valid (Picking up a shift for work) but after the 2nd time frustration set in as I stated. When I brought up that this was an important item for me to move on I was told that "Work" was the only priority on her mind. I understand this.. I work full time as well, I have career that excites me and is also a priority but as adults we always have more than one priority. It's a balancing act that we all do. I had also spent the entire day prior packing all her belongings up in boxes, wrapping all the "fragile" items with newspaper, taking the time to list the items housed in the boxes. I had made her aware that I would help pre-pack her items, we were always a team.. we moved in together .. I would help her move out.. I had felt that just because we had separated it shouldn't change that. So when the text came through that she couldn't make it, I packed my car with everything that I could fit in it and took it over to her moms. Healing was important and seeing the constant reminders was breaking my walls down daily. I had been sleeping on the couch for the past 3 weeks as well due to the fact I didn't feel comfortable sleeping on hers (My mattress was in the storage unit that came with the apartment).

 

Now all that remained was her mattress/headboard/one last box of items. It took another two weeks for these items to be picked up. During those two weeks I had also found out news that still stings me to the core. That she was leaving with another man to travel Canada coast to coast living out of a van. Quitting her job and leaving all behind. The reasons I were given for the BU didn't add up anymore (Granted they don't have to, but honesty is appreciated). Resentment set in, anger,guilt, angst and animosity consumed me and I made some poor decisions after. We had arranged that I would give her security deposit back and pay her in full for the furniture that she had purchased due to it being logistically not feasible for her to move it back to her parents. This totaled at $750.. after I found about the plans.. I was so consumed by anger that I moved the furniture I didn't want to keep into the storage unit for her to take.. I cut her a check for her portion of the security deposit.. I left her a note stating that she had been off the lease for a month now.. that I had been storing her belongings/packing her belongins/moving her belongings that I was returning the furniture I didn't want and only giving her $150 for the couch (Couch was $250). I'm not proud of how I handled it... I was so consumed by my primal emotions that I lost my sense of self (Not an excuse), all I could think of was that I was funding this trip. She wasn't happy.. threatened me.. so on and so forth.

 

Does this make a unforgivable person? The situation is very unsettling to me..

 

I don't know what part of what you did makes you an unforgivable person . You have her every chance to collect her stuff which she didn't prioritise . She also is heading off with someone else to Canada . I'm assuming she met this man while she was with you or shortly afterwards . Your decision regarding the money was only an attempt for you to stick up for yourself at how you were being treated and also an expression of the hurt you were feeling . You would have been a door mat if you didn't do what you did . You should be patting yourself on the back . There is plenty of people in your situation that would have done crazy stuff to get back at their exes . This isn't the case for you unless I have missed something in your message

[Helpmesavethis]

Hello All!

 

This thread has been a huge source of insight and healthy support for me over the past 8 weeks. I have been no contact with my ex for almost 4 weeks now, it is absolutely true that the recovery process is no linear movement. I still have my down days.. yet as the time passes these days are fading. I was hoping to gather some insight, especially from an outside perspective.

 

My ex and I had been living together for 6 months (We were together 9 months), after the initial shock of hearing the BU conversation I was determined to handle this particular BU as maturely as possible (I failed to accomplish this). I tried to grip my thoughts on the reasons I was given as to the BU, something that I have now accepted and understand. Two weeks passed and I began to grow frustrated because at least 50% of her belongings remained in the apartment we shared. I was reminded daily of the life we shared by knickknacks, clothes, jewelry (ect.). Messages were exchanged about times and dates when it would be convenient for her to gather her remaining items but on the set days there were reasons given why she could not make the agreed on proposal. Her reasons were valid (Picking up a shift for work) but after the 2nd time frustration set in as I stated. When I brought up that this was an important item for me to move on I was told that "Work" was the only priority on her mind. I understand this.. I work full time as well, I have career that excites me and is also a priority but as adults we always have more than one priority. It's a balancing act that we all do. I had also spent the entire day prior packing all her belongings up in boxes, wrapping all the "fragile" items with newspaper, taking the time to list the items housed in the boxes. I had made her aware that I would help pre-pack her items, we were always a team.. we moved in together .. I would help her move out.. I had felt that just because we had separated it shouldn't change that. So when the text came through that she couldn't make it, I packed my car with everything that I could fit in it and took it over to her moms. Healing was important and seeing the constant reminders was breaking my walls down daily. I had been sleeping on the couch for the past 3 weeks as well due to the fact I didn't feel comfortable sleeping on hers (My mattress was in the storage unit that came with the apartment).

 

Now all that remained was her mattress/headboard/one last box of items. It took another two weeks for these items to be picked up. During those two weeks I had also found out news that still stings me to the core. That she was leaving with another man to travel Canada coast to coast living out of a van. Quitting her job and leaving all behind. The reasons I were given for the BU didn't add up anymore (Granted they don't have to, but honesty is appreciated). Resentment set in, anger,guilt, angst and animosity consumed me and I made some poor decisions after. We had arranged that I would give her security deposit back and pay her in full for the furniture that she had purchased due to it being logistically not feasible for her to move it back to her parents. This totaled at $750.. after I found about the plans.. I was so consumed by anger that I moved the furniture I didn't want to keep into the storage unit for her to take.. I cut her a check for her portion of the security deposit.. I left her a note stating that she had been off the lease for a month now.. that I had been storing her belongings/packing her belongins/moving her belongings that I was returning the furniture I didn't want and only giving her $150 for the couch (Couch was $250). I'm not proud of how I handled it... I was so consumed by my primal emotions that I lost my sense of self (Not an excuse), all I could think of was that I was funding this trip. She wasn't happy.. threatened me.. so on and so forth.

 

Does this make a unforgivable person? The situation is very unsettling to me..

 

I've been trying to think of how to respond to you and the first word that keeps coming to me is WOW... I'm so sorry for what you have done thru. No one is perfect and no one always acts right when put in certain situations. I don't think it was wrong to pack her things (especially if it was done nicely as your claim) and deliver them to her if she wasn't coming to get then as scheduled. A lot of people I know would have destroyed them. She should appreciate that. I don't think she really has any kind of respect for you or your feelings so you shouldn't about hers.. I would tell her to come get your stuff by such and such day or they're forfeited. Do it in writing whether it's text email or whatever so you have proof you gave her an opportunity to retrieve them. Then block her from your life if you truly want to get over her. Tell friends you don't want to hear about her and her careless adventures with this new guy etc. It's working for me. It's taking time and I know will take a lot more but proving to be in the best interest for me to move on.

 

Now for your question... Is she a forgivable person, yes. Are you a forgivable person, yes. You should always forgive for the sake of your own peace, not the other person's, just never forget...

[Thainara]

You are been very hard on your self . You clearly have a very good heart and are a lovely happy person underneath all of this. I agree in the law of attraction but it does take 2 people to be in a relationship and your partner has a pattern as well . They have their own fears and psychological issues . In my opinion you are being too hard on your self ,blaming it on law of attraction as there is so much more complexity to a relationship. There are those as well that believe in karma and past life's but it's best not to blame what I did in a past life on why my partner left me. It's only another reason to beat myself up. Yes I believe there might be unconscious patterns running and if we do see red flags in a relationship and choose to ignore them early on then that is something we can improve on. I understand the feeling of you thinking you need a man to make you that happy person again but that person is still very much you. You need to find yourself again and that will come with time and distance . You don't need to make a decision to close down to love at this stage , you can decide that again , it's too hard to be trying to think of the future now, that is only another pressure , just focus on getting through each day for the moment ,

 

Yes, I know I've been hard on myself but I still can't help myself of doing this as when I met this guys I had just healed of my past relationship where I've been cheated on... It took more than one year to completely move on and stop feeling that excruciating pain and here I am again, feeling like dying...

 

It's like to be run over back and forth with no chance of recovering...

 

The worst part of this whole process is the inner fight where your logical part wants to let it go and your emotional part keeps whispering all kinds of reasons why you should want him back, have hope and even think about magical plans to get his back...

 

I just want to forget about him and feel happy again

[Helpmesavethis]

No support, no friends, only my 26 on that is not supportive at all, he's living his own life. I'm from Brazil and I bought my ticket back for the end of November.. I didn't tell anyone in Brazil what's going on here.. so now I'm spending day after day in my bedroom, watching videos, reading self help texts and trying to figure how to heal from this horrible pain. I think that most of what I'm feeling is because my own issues... I've always been sooo afraid of being abandoned and rejected and that's what I've been attracting my whole life. When I met this guy, I had just healed from another brokeup of a 8-year relationship where the guy cheated on me... I'm scared to death of falling in love again because my pattern will attract guys who will always abandon me... I promised myself never to connect again or open my heart to another guy... it's really too painful.

 

I'm glad you're going back to Brazil and I really think if you have people there to support you and you can lean on, then you need to let them know what's going on with you. While it's helping me tremendously to come here and talk things out with everyone, I also have 2 amazing friends I have been able to vent and cry it out to. I don't want to come across harsh so please don't take it that way but... You've got to get yourself together. If this man wanted to be with you, he would be. Get out and show him how great you are and are able to live without him in your life. Find yourself nother job. Make yourself get out. I know it isn't easy and i spent several days/nights having my own pity party but you cannot go on like this forever. It isn't the end of the world, even if it feels like it is right now. You CAN and WILL get thru this. Please keep coming here for support.

[jchilds24861]

I don't know what part of what you did makes you an unforgivable person . You have her every chance to collect her stuff which she didn't prioritise . She also is heading off with someone else to Canada . I'm assuming she met this man while she was with you or shortly afterwards . Your decision regarding the money was only an attempt for you to stick up for yourself at how you were being treated and also an expression of the hurt you were feeling . You would have been a door mat if you didn't do what you did . You should be patting yourself on the back . There is plenty of people in your situation that would have done crazy stuff to get back at their exes . This isn't the case for you unless I have missed something in your message

 

You are correct, she did meet this fellow individual right before the BU. Feeling like a doormat was exactly how I felt, and honestly even though the days do get tough every once in awhile I have been making forward progress.

 

Like most I started hitting the gym and running but I have stuck with it so far and I feel physically the best I ever have. I actually signed up for my first 5K! Next Sunday is race day and I am looking forward to a new passion.

[jchilds24861]

I've been trying to think of how to respond to you and the first word that keeps coming to me is WOW... I'm so sorry for what you have done thru. No one is perfect and no one always acts right when put in certain situations. I don't think it was wrong to pack her things (especially if it was done nicely as your claim) and deliver them to her if she wasn't coming to get then as scheduled. A lot of people I know would have destroyed them. She should appreciate that. I don't think she really has any kind of respect for you or your feelings so you shouldn't about hers.. I would tell her to come get your stuff by such and such day or they're forfeited. Do it in writing whether it's text email or whatever so you have proof you gave her an opportunity to retrieve them. Then block her from your life if you truly want to get over her. Tell friends you don't want to hear about her and her careless adventures with this new guy etc. It's working for me. It's taking time and I know will take a lot more but proving to be in the best interest for me to move on.

 

Now for your question... Is she a forgivable person, yes. Are you a forgivable person, yes. You should always forgive for the sake of your own peace, not the other person's, just never forget...

 

It honestly was very tough.. the swiftness of her change in personality was within days. I was in awe of how fast she had gone cold. I'm a firm believer that it takes two for a relationship to fail. Did I have my flaws.. absolutely. I'd go to the casino 1-3 times a month, was it something I should have stopped.. Oh yes definitely. It was the one vice I had. Did I learn from this.. absolutely.. but did it make me a bad person.. No.

 

All belongings have been removed. Last time we spoke was end of August via text. I still receive her mail though, I have just been placing it in a drawer until I get some time to drop it off at her parents. Seeing as she wont be back until mid November I'm sure I will continue to receive it.

[Helpmesavethis]

It honestly was very tough.. the swiftness of her change in personality was within days. I was in awe of how fast she had gone cold. I'm a firm believer that it takes two for a relationship to fail. Did I have my flaws.. absolutely. I'd go to the casino 1-3 times a month, was it something I should have stopped.. Oh yes definitely. It was the one vice I had. Did I learn from this.. absolutely.. but did it make me a bad person.. No.

 

All belongings have been removed. Last time we spoke was end of August via text. I still receive her mail though, I have just been placing it in a drawer until I get some time to drop it off at her parents. Seeing as she wont be back until mid November I'm sure I will continue to receive it.

 

Sorry, I misread that part. I thought the bed and stuff was still there. I'd either write return to sender on the mail or put it all in one big priority envelope and send it to her. Screw being nice and dropping it off to her. Do you think she would do the same for you?!? And it just seems to prolong things in my opinion.... No one is perfect. We all have our flaws. As far as the casino, unless it was putting a financial strain on you guys somehow, then I don't see 2-3 times a month as a problem too much. I was with a guy 20 years ago that went daily, sometimes didn't even go to bed for days at a time... Not that was a problem..

I'm glad you're doing well.v i too go to the gym and it is GREAT for the mind... And body.

[jchilds24861]

Sorry, I misread that part. I thought the bed and stuff was still there. I'd either write return to sender on the mail or put it all in one big priority envelope and send it to her. Screw being nice and dropping it off to her. Do you think she would do the same for you?!? And it just seems to prolong things in my opinion.... No one is perfect. We all have our flaws. As far as the casino, unless it was putting a financial strain on you guys somehow, then I don't see 2

 

A financial strain as in debt, no not all. Was I saving less than I should have been, definitely. However in hindsight I was paying for 75% of the rent/utilities due to the pay gap between us. Not an excuse for me to go out and blow money but like I said it was my one vice. I was labeled as an addict which was a stinging blow as well. I did not drown my sorrows in the casino after the BU.. I fell back onto the gym and distance running. I've debated about taking up yoga too.. odd I know haha.

[Helpmesavethis]

Sorry, I misread that part. I thought the bed and stuff was still there. I'd either write return to sender on the mail or put it all in one big priority envelope and send it to her. Screw being nice and dropping it off to her. Do you think she would do the same for you?!? And it just seems to prolong things in my opinion.... No one is perfect. We all have our flaws. As far as the casino, unless it was putting a financial strain on you guys somehow, then I don't see 2

 

A financial strain as in debt, no not all. Was I saving less than I should have been, definitely. However in hindsight I was paying for 75% of the rent/utilities due to the pay gap between us. Not an excuse for me to go out and blow money but like I said it was my one vice. I was labeled as an addict which was a stinging blow as well. I did not drown my sorrows in the casino after the BU.. I fell back onto the gym and distance running. I've debated about taking up yoga too.. odd I know haha.

 

Then I see the casino as a hobby maybe, not so much an addict.. I was with an addict... Ha.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things and that is great. Nothing wrong with Yoga. Maybe you'll meet someone new there....

[jchilds24861]

 

Then I see the casino as a hobby maybe, not so much an addict.. I was with an addict... Ha.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things and that is great. Nothing wrong with Yoga. Maybe you'll meet someone new there....

 

I'm definitely trying to stay on the positive path! Everybody on here is so positive! How have you been holding up since your original post?

 

The life of travel sounds fun and exhilarating but I have a career and really don't have the option to just cut loose for 2 months. Maybe thats why she classified our relationship as dead.. Passionless.. And an old married couple.

[Helpmesavethis]

 

I'm definitely trying to stay on the positive path! Everybody on here is so positive! How have you been holding up since your original post?

 

The life of travel sounds fun and exhilarating but I have a career and really don't have the option to just cut loose for 2 months. Maybe thats why she classified our relationship as dead.. Passionless.. And an old married couple.

 

I'm trying to stay positive as well. I'm not great but I'm not nearly as miserable as I was either. I have come a long way in the 4 weeks we've been BU. I broke NC after 2 1/2 weeks only to be ignored... That was the closure I needed to kick myself in the butt and get it together. I keep myself as busy as I can and keep pushing forward no matter how hard it is. I have my moments but they're becoming less as time goes on. I know I'll get to where I'm truly ok and back to myself, it'll just take time. And that's why I keep encouraging everyone else. I feel like I'm giving more tough love but if these people wanted us and to be in our lives, they would be. Does it hurt to know they don't want us, absolutely, it's crushing but, we can't sit around having pity parties for ourselves while they're our living their lives. We have to get back out there as well.

And WHO can just take off for 2 months and go across country or wherever the heck they want?!? If I win the lottery I'll make it to where you can and you won't have to live out of some van. Hahaha

[BUgirl]

Exactly what happened to me. He kept telling how I was the woman of his dreams... I felt like I was always the 'stronger' side. Well, here I am now. I feel like an idiot.

 

Hahaha, Same here, I am feeling like an idiot because I thought He won't dare to loose a girl like me. Mine was checking my fingers and talking about marriage less than 4 weeks ago. It is so wierd and I am deeply hurt. He said we can be friends and he does not want to lead me on. I told him I don't want to be his friends and we never had anything. So I have been staying NC for the past 5days.