Heartbroken.. Seeking advice to help me move on?

[texasmommy]

I feel as though I wrote this lol..exactly what I feel gonthriugh and what I would say I'm so glad there is a group with people going through the same and hoping to make new friends out of this

[texasmommy]

This was over a week ago..how are you today

[texasmommy]

Omg that was an amazing quote

[royalbanana]

It's now 4 months since my cheating ex GF left me for someone else. 2,5 months NC.

I often wake up and miss her.

 

I do have problems stopping stalking her, even though I have unfriended her on Instagram and Facebook. I still just search up her name... I am now feeling that this behaviour is preventing me moving forward, so I somehow have to stop it. I guess my 2,5 months of NC doesn't really count because of the stalking?

[RG38]

It's now 4 months since my cheating ex GF left me for someone else. 2,5 months NC.

I often wake up and miss her.

 

I do have problems stopping stalking her, even though I have unfriended her on Instagram and Facebook. I still just search up her name... I am now feeling that this behaviour is preventing me moving forward, so I somehow have to stop it. I guess my 2,5 months of NC doesn't really count because of the stalking?

 

exactly the same case here: cheating, 4 months, 2.5 months NC, stalking

[royalbanana]

exactly the same case here: cheating, 4 months, 2.5 months NC, stalking

 

Tried to send you a private message, but I think you've blocked the option to receive it.

[saar87]

I decided to go NC today, it's really hard so whenever I feel like I want to check his profile or see if he is online I'll just rant here a bit! Maybe we can support eachother ^^

[Helpmesavethis]

The only thing I can suggest for not stalking is to completely block them. I'm guilty of going back and checking. I'll go 4/5/6 days and check. Am I tempted, yes, but I stop myself before I do it and tell myself it just hurts when I go there so why?!?! You have to get your mind straight. It isn't easy. I struggle with my constantly but it helps after pushing thru it and not looking... I broke the other day because I saw him tagged in a post. I was shaking and nervous just seeing his name. I broke down and cried and I hadn't done that in 5/6 days either. We're going to have those moments and it's ok. It's all part of the healing process.

[Pto29538]

I was going out with my guy for 10 months all was going really well and he often said he wished we met when we were younger. I had been the only woman that he had introduced to his children since his divorce . He had lead me to believe we had a future together. He is 46 . i am 41. He panicked at one stage and said the more he was falling for me the more he was panicking and had stuff in his head about moving on, However I thought he had gotten over that , in the last month I felt in my gut he was pulling away but he denied anything was wrong and then one day sent me a text saying he needed to go his own Way for a while , That's all I got in terms of a break up so i have constant hope he will come back and get over his fears , He has avoided talking to me so I can get no closure , I need to hear it definitely going from him so I can deal with this , however I feel like I'm in a long limbo , he told me his dad was sick but he would talk to me when all was settled but now the dad as died so If I am to get this conversation it's going to be at least a few weeks out , I know I should just make my own closure but I'm finding it so hard as the breakup was unexpected and everything in my eyes was fine up and he didn't even break up with me properly only a vague text, I agree with no contact but I feel I can't do this until I get a break up conversation with him , anyone able to guide me here,

[Helpmesavethis]

I feel as though I wrote this lol..exactly what I feel gonthriugh and what I would say I'm so glad there is a group with people going through the same and hoping to make new friends out of this

 

Hi and welcome. Not sure who you're quoting but we're all going thru the same things and we're all here to support one another. Feel free to share your story and vent away etc.

[Helpmesavethis]

I was going out with my guy for 10 months all was going really well and he often said he wished we met when we were younger. I had been the only woman that he had introduced to his children since his divorce . He had lead me to believe we had a future together. He is 46 . i am 41. He panicked at one stage and said the more he was falling for me the more he was panicking and had stuff in his head about moving on, However I thought he had gotten over that , in the last month I felt in my gut he was pulling away but he denied anything was wrong and then one day sent me a text saying he needed to go his own Way for a while , That's all I got in terms of a break up so i have constant hope he will come back and get over his fears , He has avoided talking to me so I can get no closure , I need to hear it definitely going from him so I can deal with this , however I feel like I'm in a long limbo , he told me his dad was sick but he would talk to me when all was settled but now the dad as died so If I am to get this conversation it's going to be at least a few weeks out , I know I should just make my own closure but I'm finding it so hard as the breakup was unexpected and everything in my eyes was fine up and he didn't even break up with me properly only a vague text, I agree with no contact but I feel I can't do this until I get a break up conversation with him , anyone able to guide me here,

 

My BU was over the phone but I don't feel like I got closure exactly either... Even though I'm kind of the one who ultimately decided we needed the break... He was unsure and scared about things. Pretty much as you're describing with your guy. I text him the day after and he replied immediately. I mailed him some paperwork I had previously printed for him, I got no thank you kiss my @$$ nothing... I broke NC after 2 1/2 weeks and he has chosen to ignore me. Been 12 days since that. I may not have gotten the closure verbally but his actions are telling me what I need to help me move on... NC is helping me heal. Do I still miss him, absolutely, he doesn't leave my mind, do I still want to be with him, yep, would I take him back if he contacts me, likely but I am strong enough now to set boundaries for our relationship and to let him know I have feelings and emotions and I'm not a ping pong ball that can keep going back and forth. He's either all in or he's not because I want and deserve someone who's in.... I think it's best to give your guy the space and time or you're going to make him run further away. Let him have a chance to miss you. Hopefully he'll come to realization he cannot or doesn't want to live without you but you have to give him that chance or it's not going to happen...

[saar87]

Maybe a stupid question idk.. Since I've never done NC before. I'm not officially in a relationship with the person, and we are not 'finished' . There's just a lot going on, ups and downs and I can't deal with it atm so I want to clear my head before talking to him again. I know he will contact me in about 1 or 2 hours after his school is out. Can I open his message? Should I read it and then 'Mark as unread' or can he see I read it but won't answer?

[Helpmesavethis]

Maybe a stupid question idk.. Since I've never done NC before. I'm not officially in a relationship with the person, and we are not 'finished' . There's just a lot going on, ups and downs and I can't deal with it atm so I want to clear my head before talking to him again. I know he will contact me in about 1 or 2 hours after his school is out. Can I open his message? Should I read it and then 'Mark as unread' or can he see I read it but won't answer?

 

My understanding of NC is you not reaching out to them first. If they contact you, it is ok to reply but keep it short and to the point. Just don't be overly friendly. I think it's cowardly and rude not to reply. You wouldn't want him just ignoring you and leaving you hanging. So as I said, short and to the point. If he ask a question, answer it. If he doesn't, then maybe a reply isn't necessary.. What would he typically say? Or come back when he does message you and let us know what he says and we can maybe help with your response.

[saar87]

My understanding of NC is you not reaching out to them first. If they contact you, it is ok to reply but keep it short and to the point. Just don't be overly friendly. I think it's cowardly and rude not to reply. You wouldn't want him just ignoring you and leaving you hanging. So as I said, short and to the point. If he ask a question, answer it. If he doesn't, then maybe a reply isn't necessary.. What would he typically say? Or come back when he does message you and let us know what he says and we can maybe help with your response.

 

Well he'll probably start with "Heey I'm home or "Heey finished school ^^ But I'll come back to it when he sends the message.

[Helpmesavethis]

Well he'll probably start with "Heey I'm home or "Heey finished school ^^ But I'll come back to it when he sends the message.

 

Hmm. Maybe I'm not the one to ask on this. Ha. Maybe a simple Ok. And leave it at that.... You'll be answering, not ignoring, but not overly doing it either... Will he try to continue the conversation? Why do feel you need a break? Have you talked to him about taking the break? I wouldn't just stop talking to him without explaining you're reasons first.

[saar87]

Hmm. Maybe I'm not the one to ask on this. Ha. Maybe a simple Ok. And leave it at that.... You'll be answering, not ignoring, but not overly doing it either... Will he try to continue the conversation? Why do feel you need a break? Have you talked to him about taking the break? I wouldn't just stop talking to him without explaining you're reasons first.

 

It's a diffcult situation, made a topic about it last week but I'll give a short version: He just turned 18 and started 1st year Uni, I'm 25 finish Uni and work. We live 5 hours apart, in different countries. I visited him a couple of times, he told me he loves me and wants to be with me but last week we had a weird discussion and he told me he's not ready for this and he cant do it. The days after he was distant but still initiating all contact, just shorter. The last few days he's been acting more normal, told me he wants me, sending hearts, kisses, etc. But sometimes he's still more distant idk how to put it, I just notice a change and it affects me a lot. I can't really talk about it to him because when I bring emotional stuff up he shuts down and gets really sad.

[Pto29538]

My BU was over the phone but I don't feel like I got closure exactly either... Even though I'm kind of the one who ultimately decided we needed the break... He was unsure and scared about things. Pretty much as you're describing with your guy. I text him the day after and he replied immediately. I mailed him some paperwork I had previously printed for him, I got no thank you kiss my @$$ nothing... I broke NC after 2 1/2 weeks and he has chosen to ignore me. Been 12 days since that. I may not have gotten the closure verbally but his actions are telling me what I need to help me move on... NC is helping me heal. Do I still miss him, absolutely, he doesn't leave my mind, do I still want to be with him, yep, would I take him back if he contacts me, likely but I am strong enough now to set boundaries for our relationship and to let him know I have feelings and emotions and I'm not a ping pong ball that can keep going back and forth. He's either all in or he's not because I want and deserve someone who's in.... I think it's best to give your guy the space and time or you're going to make him run further away. Let him have a chance to miss you. Hopefully he'll come to realization he cannot or doesn't want to live without you but you have to give him that chance or it's not going to happen...[/quote

 

Thanks for that . It means a lot . I read your story and in terms of the panic our men felt I saw a lot of similarities. I sent him a text when his father died but apart from that I've kept to NC. I find that without closure I start to blame myself for things like the small argument we might have had the week before or if I didn't give him enough support with kids etc . I am only assuming it's his fears that came up again but without a breakup chat I will never concretely know. This has been one of my hardest breakups to deal with as usually I would definitively know what's going on in their head. Because I have got that I'm driving myself crazy analysing everything . He did promise he would talk to me after the funeral and all was settled so I will take your advice and let him come to me for that chat and not me trying to pin him down . I've already told him I was hurting and needed some closure so the hall is in his court . And I can force someone to talk to me if he has run off scared . Thanks for your mail. It helped a lot

[Helpmesavethis]

My BU was over the phone but I don't feel like I got closure exactly either... Even though I'm kind of the one who ultimately decided we needed the break... He was unsure and scared about things. Pretty much as you're describing with your guy. I text him the day after and he replied immediately. I mailed him some paperwork I had previously printed for him, I got no thank you kiss my @$$ nothing... I broke NC after 2 1/2 weeks and he has chosen to ignore me. Been 12 days since that. I may not have gotten the closure verbally but his actions are telling me what I need to help me move on... NC is helping me heal. Do I still miss him, absolutely, he doesn't leave my mind, do I still want to be with him, yep, would I take him back if he contacts me, likely but I am strong enough now to set boundaries for our relationship and to let him know I have feelings and emotions and I'm not a ping pong ball that can keep going back and forth. He's either all in or he's not because I want and deserve someone who's in.... I think it's best to give your guy the space and time or you're going to make him run further away. Let him have a chance to miss you. Hopefully he'll come to realization he cannot or doesn't want to live without you but you have to give him that chance or it's not going to happen...[/quote

 

Thanks for that . It means a lot . I read your story and in terms of the panic our men felt I saw a lot of similarities. I sent him a text when his father died but apart from that I've kept to NC. I find that without closure I start to blame myself for things like the small argument we might have had the week before or if I didn't give him enough support with kids etc . I am only assuming it's his fears that came up again but without a breakup chat I will never concretely know. This has been one of my hardest breakups to deal with as usually I would definitively know what's going on in their head. Because I have got that I'm driving myself crazy analysing everything . He did promise he would talk to me after the funeral and all was settled so I will take your advice and let him come to me for that chat and not me trying to pin him down . I've already told him I was hurting and needed some closure so the hall is in his court . And I can force someone to talk to me if he has run off scared . Thanks for your mail. It helped a lot

 

I often question myself.. should I have been more understanding when we had our breakup conversation etc.. but nothing I can do about it if he won't talk to me so . I have to make myself move on. As you said, the ball is in his court. He knows where you stand and that you would like to talk etc. If you keep pushing, he'll keep running and you don't want that so as hard as it is... Leave him alone. Come here whenever you want to contact him and talk to us instead.

[Helpmesavethis]

It's a diffcult situation, made a topic about it last week but I'll give a short version: He just turned 18 and started 1st year Uni, I'm 25 finish Uni and work. We live 5 hours apart, in different countries. I visited him a couple of times, he told me he loves me and wants to be with me but last week we had a weird discussion and he told me he's not ready for this and he cant do it. The days after he was distant but still initiating all contact, just shorter. The last few days he's been acting more normal, told me he wants me, sending hearts, kisses, etc. But sometimes he's still more distant idk how to put it, I just notice a change and it affects me a lot. I can't really talk about it to him because when I bring emotional stuff up he shuts down and gets really sad.

 

Awe.. I don't recall your post but I'll see if I can go back and find it. He's young so likely has no idea what he wants... Men mature later than women too... I don't know the whole story but I think if I were you, I'd definitely back off from this guy.... Let him figure out what he wants in life. He's young, just starting uni etc so has a lot to experience that you already have. He'll likely want to party with friends etc while you've likely gotten that out of your system and are ready to settle down in a relationship... Maybe I'm wrong but that's how I'm taking it from your post... You don't want games and he's playing them... In my mind, to be expected from an 18 year old boy

[saar87]

Awe.. I don't recall your post but I'll see if I can go back and find it. He's young so likely has no idea what he wants... Men mature later than women too... I don't know the whole story but I think if I were you, I'd definitely back off from this guy.... Let him figure out what he wants in life. He's young, just starting uni etc so has a lot to experience that you already have. He'll likely want to party with friends etc while you've likely gotten that out of your system and are ready to settle down in a relationship... Maybe I'm wrong but that's how I'm taking it from your post... You don't want games and he's playing them... In my mind, to be expected from an 18 year old boy

 

He doesn't want to party with friends, he never goes out and he doesn't really have any real friends. But yes I think he doesn't know what he wants which is why I want to distance myself from the situation. It's just hard because he always initiates contact, I spend the whole day thinking okay now I'm ready for NC, but then he messages me being all excited and sweet and I melt and just answer. I think he'll contact me any minute now but I'm gonna be short with him.

[Helpmesavethis]

He doesn't want to party with friends, he never goes out and he doesn't really have any real friends. But yes I think he doesn't know what he wants which is why I want to distance myself from the situation. It's just hard because he always initiates contact, I spend the whole day thinking okay now I'm ready for NC, but then he messages me being all excited and sweet and I melt and just answer. I think he'll contact me any minute now but I'm gonna be short with him.

 

I bet he doesn't know what he wants. I found your other post. Appears as if he's contacting you and you're replying he pulls away but when you back off, he pushes for more..... Back off and back off A LOT... He's still way young and has a lot to figure out. You have to get your mind straight and not allow yourself to cave like you have been.

[saar87]

I bet he doesn't know what he wants. I found your other post. Appears as if he's contacting you and you're replying he pulls away but when you back off, he pushes for more..... Back off and back off A LOT... He's still way young and has a lot to figure out. You have to get your mind straight and not allow yourself to cave like you have been.

 

Thanks! Yes that's what I'm trying to do now

[mcnugget]

I have been NC with ex since breakup 2.5 weeks ago when he just suddenly snapped and packed up my stuff and decided to end our year+ relationship that had been headed towards an engagement (the result of our first fight and him secretly talking to a long distance ex girlfriend). We broke NC one week later to meet for coffee when I returned his keys. He seemed sad, but didn't have any desire to work on our relationship. I have been extremely depressed and have lost 10 lbs since the breakup. I can't sleep, eat, or focus on work. I'm trying to find things to do to keep busy and when I saw him for coffee I appeared to be doing extremely well and didn't cry at all. I told him that I would be fine and told him that I wanted him to be happy. It was all an act and I very much want to reach out to him and break NC. I know that even if he realized his mistake, he has too much pride to ever admit it. I should probably give it more time, but I really do want to tell him that I miss him. He'll probably ignore me, but I can't imagine anything could hurt worse than it does right now.

[Helpmesavethis]

I have been NC with ex since breakup 2.5 weeks ago when he just suddenly snapped and packed up my stuff and decided to end our year+ relationship that had been headed towards an engagement (the result of our first fight and him secretly talking to a long distance ex girlfriend). We broke NC one week later to meet for coffee when I returned his keys. He seemed sad, but didn't have any desire to work on our relationship. I have been extremely depressed and have lost 10 lbs since the breakup. I can't sleep, eat, or focus on work. I'm trying to find things to do to keep busy and when I saw him for coffee I appeared to be doing extremely well and didn't cry at all. I told him that I would be fine and told him that I wanted him to be happy. It was all an act and I very much want to reach out to him and break NC. I know that even if he realized his mistake, he has too much pride to ever admit it. I should probably give it more time, but I really do want to tell him that I miss him. He'll probably ignore me, but I can't imagine anything could hurt worse than it does right now.

 

Tell him then... Because mine ignoring me is what it took for me to realize it's over over and I need to get myself together and move on! So if you think he is truly done and won't reply, by all means, I say message him. It might be just what you need for final closure and to help you move on. Others may feel differently about this but those are my thoughts. I've been through all the same emotions as you have and I have lost weight as well and didn't need to.... It'll get better. Let me know if you do message him and the outcome. Hang in there.

[mcnugget]

Tell him then... Because mine ignoring me is what it took for me to realize it's over over and I need to get myself together and move on! So if you think he is truly done and won't reply, by all means, I say message him. It might be just what you need for final closure and to help you move on. Others may feel differently about this but those are my thoughts. I've been through all the same emotions as you have and I have lost weight as well and didn't need to.... It'll get better. Let me know if you do message him and the outcome. Hang in there.

 

I guess my end goal is really to get back together. I want to do whatever makes that most likely. I don't know if that's giving him space, contacting him, reaching out to his family? I just don't know that I can sit on my hands forever and never speak to him again. I can't imagine him admitting his mistake even if he realizes it. He honestly wouldn't want to cause me more heartbreak and would just tell himself that he needed to move on and live with his mistake. He is not very open emotionally and doesn't like to think or talk about things.