need some advice......

[macomb7]

about a month ago my girlfriend was leaving on spring break for cancun. while she was downstairs doing laundry, i peeked into her journal. what i read absolutely killed me. another guy had made a move on her, they both kissed and then it ended. we have been dating for about a year now, and when it happened she didnt come out and tell me. i didnt tell her i read her journal at first and gave her the opportunity of telling me by asking her if anything ever happened between her and another guy would she tell me? and she sat there and said "of course i would, i love you to much not to" so about a month goes by, and she tells me that her and the same guy she kissed are goin to central to see a friend of both of theirs. well i get upset. i ask her if this guy has ever tried to make a move on her because i just dont trust him, and she sat there and swore on our relationship that he never has. that is when i told her i read her journal. i apologized for reading it, and told her i know i could never make it up to her and that there is some trust issues in our relationship we need to talk about. she kicked me out of her house, and told me i was the only one who did anything wrong..... and she has been lying to me for the past month now, and then goes up to a college with him?

 

what do i do??

[melrich]

I don't know if you can do anything. She's likely to be pretty mad right now. You'll have to let things cool off and then see if you can persuade her to talk to you sensibly about what has happened.

 

I'm not really sure though what you would be able to say that would justify your behaviour except that you are sorry. If she loves you enough that may be enough. Otherwise you may have pushed her right into the arms of this other guy.

[annie24]

erm.... well... reading her diary was a violation of trust. And then you didn't tell her about it right away..... I can see why she'd be mad. However, people who feel guilty of something sometimes turn things back around on the accuser (you) as a defense mechanism.

 

But, obviously, you have a reason to be mad too. (I actually think you have a little more of a reason.) Maybe she didn't tell you because it was a one-time mistake, and she felt really bad about it. And, if it didn't go farther than kissing, she didn't want to get you upset over something that was never going to happen again. (Anyways - I HOPE that's the reason.)

 

I would wait until she cools off, then have a talk with her. Good luck - I hope things work out!

[DN]

What you did was wrong and she has a right to be mad about that. But she did lie to you - twice. So she is probably also mad and embarrassed about being caught in the lie.

 

You have to decide if you will be able to trust her again before you decide if you want her back.

[melrich]

Yeah Annie, I thought this too, both had done wrong.

 

But my view is that individuals have a right to keep something a secret if they want to. If you go around looking in people's private things you will always be able to catch them in some sort of compromise.

 

It may well be that she made a judgement that the kiss was nothing and more harm than good would come of telling him about it. So she had a right to make that judgement.

 

I think your point about the guilty turning on the accuser is a good one but in this case I think she would have been majorly peeved that someone was accessing her private writings without permission. I know for me that would far outweigh my guilt over a one time kiss with someone who had made a pass at me.

[DN]

Yeah Annie, I thought this too, both had done wrong.

 

But my view is that individuals have a right to keep something a secret if they want to. If you go around looking in people's private things you will always be able to catch them in some sort of compromise.

 

It may well be that she made a judgement that the kiss was nothing and more harm than good would come of telling him about it. So she had a right to make that judgement.

 

I think your point about the guilty turning on the accuser is a good one but in this case I think she would have been majorly peeved that someone was accessing her private writings without permission. I know for me that would far outweigh my guilt over a one time kiss with someone who had made a pass at me.

 

I thinkthe issue isn't so much the kiss as that she deliberately lied about it by saying when asked that she would never do that. If you can't trust someone's veracity in a relationship it becomes very corrosive.

[melrich]

DN, I appreciate she lied. But she had made a decision a month ago to keep it secret from her b/f. Now I don't necessarily agree with that but as I said we all have secrets and it is our right to keep them.

 

From what has been posted it really does seem like a minor incident that she decided was best left unsaid. Wouldn't have been my course but who am I to judge.

[p0w3RFuL]

Ill tell u 1 thing, i cant stand a girl like that, lying to my face like that .. yo do more covert ops on her house, go splinter cell on the house n stuff, creep up at night steal the journal read it all (jp)

Give it a week or 2, if ignoring still continues, 4 letter word.. DUMP

[Sn0man]

You looked in her diary...not cool. She lied to you...very not cool...she swore on your relationship she didn't do anything....ultimately not cool. She has a right to be mad at you for looking in her diary, a thing I would recommend you do not repeat. However, I do feel that you have every right to be upset with her for her infidelity and then continuous lying about it.

[Sugaree]

Hmmm. . .not sure "covert ops" is the way to go. But lying is wrong and cheating is wrong and trust has been violated on both parts. Time to cool off and assess the situation is necessary.

[lady00]

I don't have much sympathy for your gf. True, you invaded her privacy but she kissed another guy and lied to you about it. I think what she did is much worse. She's only getting mad at you to divert attention away and cover her guilt. Just give it a little time and then talk it over. But she needs to understand that you will have problems trusting her and if you two cannot work through that then it will be over. Don't let her get away with what she did by making you feel guilty. Yes, you did something wrong, but what she did was way worse and she needs to own up to that and take responsibility for it instead of hiding behind her anger of you reading her diary.

[apollocreed71]

She kissed a guy that she hangs with. It probalby happened again since they are kind of close, and you made her upset. Not to be vengeful, but if she told him, he was there to comfort her. This would be the bad senario. Respect wise in a relationship, honestly a person should not hang out with the opposite sex, especially whnen alcohol is nearby. If there is no turst then there is no point.

[macomb7]

thank you all for your replys.....what i did was wrong. and keeping it from her was worse. but I could not live with the fact that i broke the trust in the relationship and i had to come out and tell her because i could not live with it on my conscience. i love her more than anything, i have given a lot up for her and i am just heartbroken. the thing that gets me is, if she did feel bad about it and decided not to tell me about it, why would she continue to be around him sometimes. or why would she go up north with him. i expressed how upset i was with it but it seemed like she didnt care.

 

we have a lot more issues than this, i feel taken advantage of sometimes because i am a nice guy and i treat her great. my feelings for her are a first, i've never felt this way before. hopefully we can work through this, but we'll just have to see. trust has been broken on both ends.