I'm an Emotional Cheater and I don't know what to do.

[Seojun]

Hi.

 

I've (Adam) been dating my girlfriend (Susie) for about 4 years. We've had ups and downs in the relationship, but for the last few months things have been well. Have even discussed marriage and those sorts of things.

 

Here's my problem. Since Spring of last year, I got a message from an old friend (Lisa), who was reaching out because of some issues in her relationship she was having. It was actually all fine and what not, and I was transparent with Susie that I was talking with her.

 

However, over a couple months time, we started talking more and more about intimate things. I stopped telling Susie that I was talking with Lisa, and I found myself disclosing to Lisa personal relationship mishaps I was having with Susie. Also at this time, me and Susie looked like our relationship was in dire straits and a break up looked to be imminent. However, after a month or so, Susie and I persevered and we continued dating.

 

But Lisa and I did not stop talking. Sometimes there would be periods where we wouldn't talk for a month or so, but sometimes we would have bouts where we talked about personal things for a few days. Often I've noticed, that when I don't feel emotionally satisfied by Susie, I would turn to Lisa who seemed to satisfy my emotional needs. It started to devolve into winky faces and flirting. This was wrong and messed up, I know that. And I know I've done bad things. You don't have to tell me twice.

 

In total, the deceit stuff has continued with Lisa for about just over a year. I've hid my messages and have not brought it up to Susie. To some extent, it's *still* happening because I've done it so much I've gotten used to it. It's like I've already messed up everything so much, it doesn't matter anymore at this point. Note that I have not physically cheated.

 

I *want* to tell Susie the truth and lay it all out. But, I'm afraid I will break her. Or she will turn to maybe suicidal things. She doesn't have a lot of support in her life and considers me the person she can rely on the most. She also has been cheated on before yet 100% trusts me and never checks my phone or has any suspicions (which makes it all the worse).

 

She also had been suicidal in the distant past. I feel like I would crush her regardless of what happens to our relationship. Part of me thinks that If she's capable of suicide, then I can't tell her what has happened. But at the same time, I feel like a deceitful person all the time.

 

As far as what I want, I wonder why I did all this emotional cheating. I've never done this before in any previous relationship, and it makes me think that maybe something is missing from Susie and I's relationship. Perhaps it's something we needed to talk about more before I went off to rely on Lisa. I don't really know at this point. I just want to clear my conscience, but without destroying Susie. How do I do this?

 

Tldr: I've emotionally cheated on my long term girlfriend, who isn't very stable. I don't know how to tell her the truth without completely destroying her....

[ThatwasThen]

Susie has emotional issues so it's easy to fathom why she wouldn't be fulfilling you emotionally when she is unable to fulfil her own emotional needs. That being said, as you know it is no excuse for seeking fulfilment outside of the union.

 

You're not happy with Susie and it seems you are only still with her because you are afraid that she will harm herself if you leave. If that's the case then once you tell her the relationship is over, tell a loved one of hers that you're concerned that she may harm herself and if she has any attempts, they can have her assessed and helped.

 

Do NOT leave to be with Lisa. Lisa knows you are in a relationship yet she carries on inappropriately with you which doesn't say much for her. Do the fade on her and heal from your broken relationship with Susie as a single man. Do some self reflection without blaming Susie to find out why you stayed with someone and cheated rather then leaving her when she didn't make you happy.

[abitbroken]

I think you need to end your emotional affair with Lisa right this minute. You talked to her because you could. That was the reason.

 

She also had been suicidal in the distant past. I feel like I would crush her regardless of what happens to our relationship. Part of me thinks that If she's capable of suicide, then I can't tell her what has happened. But at the same time, I feel like a deceitful person all the time.

 

You say in the distant past. Look - i had problems when i was a teen with anxiety, depression and i didn't behave at my best. I would never today in a million years harm myself. It would never be in the equation. I think you are inventing this as a reason not to be an upstanding man. BTW, Susie could never fulfill this need for you because you were getting it elsewhere. She has not had a chance in the last year.

 

So step one -- dump Lisa. Ask her to stop calling you. That is first and foremost.

 

Then -- tell Susie that you recall that she knows that you had been talking to Lisa (she was totally aware of it at your admittance) and admit that you had continued to talk to Lisa longer than you admitted. You decided to ask Lisa not to call you anymore because you felt it was not approrpriate to talk to her.

 

Let Susie decide for herself. Maybe you just have wedding jitters. Maybe there is a real reason beyond that. But give her the chance to decide whether she wants to break it off with you or not. And for sure - you should go to counseling. Marriage and relationships are not about someone entertaining you every moment. you have to make proper choices yourself as well

[Seojun]

Susie has emotional issues so it's easy to fathom why she wouldn't be fulfilling you emotionally when she is unable to fulfil her own emotional needs. That being said, as you know it is no excuse for seeking fulfilment outside of the union.

 

You're not happy with Susie and it seems you are only still with her because you are afraid that she will harm herself if you leave. If that's the case then once you tell her the relationship is over, tell a loved one of hers that you're concerned that she may harm herself and if she has any attempts, they can have her assessed and helped.

 

Do NOT leave to be with Lisa. Lisa knows you are in a relationship yet she carries on inappropriately with you which doesn't say much for her. Do the fade on her and heal from your broken relationship with Susie as a single man. Do some self reflection without blaming Susie to find out why you stayed with someone and cheated rather then leaving her when she didn't make you happy.

 

I'm not sure where I stand with Susie. I feel as if I shouldn't have done that in the first place if I was truly happy. I'm not sure I'm ready to initiate the breakup along with the disclosure of cheating. I almost feel like I need a break. Even so, I imagine she will either want to break up or never trust me again to make it a sustainable relationship.

 

As far as reaching out to Susie's loved ones, she has not been doing well with her family and they cannot be relied upon. Her two "best" friends are seemingly inconsistent at supporting her, and she has been jealous of the strong relationships I've had with my best friends. I'm just really not sure who she has, and she has told me so recently. It's just me.

[ThatwasThen]

I'm not sure where I stand with Susie. I feel as if I shouldn't have done that in the first place if I was truly happy. I'm not sure I'm ready to initiate the breakup along with the disclosure of cheating. I almost feel like I need a break. Even so, I imagine she will either want to break up or never trust me again to make it a sustainable relationship.

 

As far as reaching out to Susie's loved ones, she has not been doing well with her family and they cannot be relied upon. Her two "best" friends are seemingly inconsistent at supporting her, and she has been jealous of the strong relationships I've had with my best friends. I'm just really not sure who she has, and she has told me so recently. It's just me.

Why do you even have to tell her about your emotional affair? You don't have to do that and to tell her about it is just you wanting to alleviate guilt... that is the psychology of it.

 

You are not her caretaker and to be one to her is dysfunctional relating at best. Caretaking is the codependent opposite of Caregiving.

You should never give up yourself and your own happiness because you feel obligated to care for someone who is mentally unstable. This is not like you married a well woman who became ill... this is an ill woman that you started with who you have been unhappily trying to remain with... that is something that you should be asking yourself why you stay. Are you familiar with White Knight Syndrome? Please google it and consider.

 

If you do anything, you should stop this nonsense and false emotional connection through chatting on the internet. Lisa is just a reprieve from your burden that is Susie. If you're not going to lose Susie because of misplaced obligation, then you need to be doing so legitimately and without the distraction of an emotional affair.

 

I am sorry you're in such a dilemma. One last bit of advice from me: Don't waste decades of your life with someone that you shouldn't be with.

[Seojun]

I think you need to end your emotional affair with Lisa right this minute. You talked to her because you could. That was the reason.

 

She also had been suicidal in the distant past. I feel like I would crush her regardless of what happens to our relationship. Part of me thinks that If she's capable of suicide, then I can't tell her what has happened. But at the same time, I feel like a deceitful person all the time.

 

You say in the distant past. Look - i had problems when i was a teen with anxiety, depression and i didn't behave at my best. I would never today in a million years harm myself. It would never be in the equation. I think you are inventing this as a reason not to be an upstanding man. BTW, Susie could never fulfill this need for you because you were getting it elsewhere. She has not had a chance in the last year.

 

So step one -- dump Lisa. Ask her to stop calling you. That is first and foremost.

 

Then -- tell Susie that you recall that she knows that you had been talking to Lisa (she was totally aware of it at your admittance) and admit that you had continued to talk to Lisa longer than you admitted. You decided to ask Lisa not to call you anymore because you felt it was not approrpriate to talk to her.

 

Let Susie decide for herself. Maybe you just have wedding jitters. Maybe there is a real reason beyond that. But give her the chance to decide whether she wants to break it off with you or not. And for sure - you should go to counseling. Marriage and relationships are not about someone entertaining you every moment. you have to make proper choices yourself as well

 

Let me elaborate a little more on her current background. Her entire family is not talking to her starting last month, and she is afraid she has been removed from the family. Without going into great detail, I think her family and her will connect to some extent in the future, but at the moment she really does not have a lot of support. Her two "best" friends are inconsistent and I'm not sure would actually follow up being support. It's these specific circumstances coupled with past representations that make me concerned.

 

I hear ya on counseling. I've wanted to go and tell someone all about this. I currently don't have health insurance though.

[Seojun]

Why do you even have to tell her about your emotional affair? You don't have to do that and to tell her about it is just you wanting to alleviate guilt... that is the psychology of it.

 

You are not her caretaker and to be one to her is dysfunctional relating at best. Caretaking is the codependent opposite of Caregiving.

You should never give up yourself and your own happiness because you feel obligated to care for someone who is mentally unstable. This is not like you married a well woman who became ill... this is an ill woman that you started with who you have been unhappily trying to remain with... that is something that you should be asking yourself why you stay. Are you familiar with White Knight Syndrome? Please google it and consider.

 

If you do anything, you should stop this nonsense and false emotional connection through chatting on the internet. Lisa is just a reprieve from your burden that is Susie. If you're not going to lose Susie because of misplaced obligation, then you need to be doing so legitimately and without the distraction of an emotional affair.

 

I am sorry you're in such a dilemma. One last bit of advice from me: Don't waste decades of your life with someone that you shouldn't be with.

 

Well I might have to tell her about it. I've honestly don't nothing to make it seem like I'm frustrated with the relationship lately in the last few months. If you asked me further in time ago, the reasons could be more apparent to her without disclosing the cheating. But she will want to know why, I think.

 

You're right that I should at least stop with Lisa. As of today, we are stopping.

 

I have felt like the caretaker in the past and have expressed that to Susie. Things, like I said, have gotten better on that front in the last few months so it's a harder decision for me in terms of breaking up. But at times, I feel like I'm the cook and cleaner and have to be the one who has positive energy. It can feel burdensome. I'll check out white knight syndrome...

 

All I want to do is to make the right decision. I know every relationship has its struggles, and maybe I just put too high of expectations on everything. Every girl I've been with, I've dumped, always wanting more. Maybe the person who is ed up, is me. And maybe I'll be wasting decades of my life trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me

[abitbroken]

I'm not sure where I stand with Susie. I feel as if I shouldn't have done that in the first place if I was truly happy. I'm not sure I'm ready to initiate the breakup along with the disclosure of cheating. I almost feel like I need a break. Even so, I imagine she will either want to break up or never trust me again to make it a sustainable relationship.

 

As far as reaching out to Susie's loved ones, she has not been doing well with her family and they cannot be relied upon. Her two "best" friends are seemingly inconsistent at supporting her, and she has been jealous of the strong relationships I've had with my best friends. I'm just really not sure who she has, and she has told me so recently. It's just me.

 

Not all cheating has something to do about what is missing in a relationship.

Some people cheat because they have a sex addiction (probably not in this case), have a personality that is attracted to gambling and risk taking, etc.

Cheating is not about how the relationship was not giving you what you needed, but your character.

You did it because it was easy and because you could.

You were not out to emotionally cheat --- you caught up with a friend and your lack of proper boundaries and HER lack of proper boundaries (oversharing about her own relationship)

got you swept up in.

 

Sure, maybe there was something that could have been more, but when someone can't identify what they were missing - you are looking for a reason to justify your behavior in retrospect.

 

 

I'm not sure I'm ready to initiate the breakup along with the disclosure of cheating. I almost feel like I need a break. Even so, I imagine she will either want to break up or never trust me again to make it a sustainable relationship.

 

So....you would break up with Susie to avoid telling her the truth? Again, you are projecting what she may or may not do.

[abitbroken]

Well I might have to tell her about it. I've honestly don't nothing to make it seem like I'm frustrated with the relationship lately in the last few months. If you asked me further in time ago, the reasons could be more apparent to her without disclosing the cheating. But she will want to know why, I think.

 

You're right that I should at least stop with Lisa. As of today, we are stopping.

 

I have felt like the caretaker in the past and have expressed that to Susie. Things, like I said, have gotten better on that front in the last few months so it's a harder decision for me in terms of breaking up. But at times, I feel like I'm the cook and cleaner and have to be the one who has positive energy. It can feel burdensome. I'll check out white knight syndrome...

 

All I want to do is to make the right decision. I know every relationship has its struggles, and maybe I just put too high of expectations on everything. Every girl I've been with, I've dumped, always wanting more. Maybe the person who is ed up, is me. And maybe I'll be wasting decades of my life trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me

 

Well...you were the white knight to Lisa, too. actually it may not be the white knight syndrome, but codependency. Maybe its not Susie that needs a caretaker -- but maybe you are taking on too much of that role and she doesn't actually NEED you to be that caretaker in the relationship. Honestly, if you cook and clean - then how can she begin to do it? Its already done? Stop looking at yourself as a savior and start acting like a team. Do you think that since things have recently swung to you not being the caretaker as much you are less satisfied? its a need for you?

[EternalOptimis]

You've accepted that you have done wrong. And that's important. Emotional infidelity is every bit as destructive and wrong as physical infidelity, possibly more. I recently lost a long term relationship due to EI so have direct personal experience.

 

I agree with atitagain that it's not always to do with what's missing in your relationship. You are transgressive and that will hurt you and her. You do not have a functional relationship with your GF. Up to you how much detail you share but you need to either seek counselling to learn why you allowed (and continue to allow) an infidelity to continue, and find out if you can/want to salvage what you have, or end it as kindly, but firmly, as you can.