Does she need a break from her past?

[jmann45]

Ive been seeing this girl for about 2 months now and we've been hooking up. Shes asked recently about making this a full on committed relationship but i declined for various reasons. I clarified to her that im not seeing green lights throughout the spectrum of things that i consider for a relationship. I explained to her that she has had a very rough past (exes cheating, treating her badly, and then recently hooking up with a different guy every couple weeks).. and that I just need time to see how shes handling it and I just want to test the waters to see if its safe to fully invest myself into a relationship with her. Some problems have came up such as her exes who she considers her guy friends. She explained that shes slowly letting them go. She explained that she has lots of loose strings that she needs to cut off and I explained that ill give her time. Just last night, she told me that she was hooking up with a guy a couple weeks before she met me and he tried texting her and she told him that she's seeing someone else and doesn't want anything to do with him. He didn't want a relationship with her because he freaked out when she told him some story about how when she was younger, she kissed some other guy at a party while she was in a relationship with her ex . My question is whether or not you guys would pursue a relationship with a person with such a recent and f'd up past. I asked her if she needed time to get over it and if it was even a right time for her to pursue a relationship, she said she's had enough time and wants a relationship with me..

 

With all this being said, I think of it from another different perspective.. its her side. of the situation.

 

Her: Ive been through bs, being cheated on, not being wanted by my significant other, not being loved like I love the other person. Ive tried so many times but everyone just seems to back off when they know too much about me. I know I was mad about getting cheated on and having to get an abortion and guys leaving my life continuously, and started hooking up with numerous guys throughout this year... but I think i finally met someone who I want a relationship with again. I trust this guy and I think we can get somewhere with this. I am going to cut off all of the guys I have talked to in the past to see how this works out.

 

And thats what i mean by "her perspective" ^^

 

Its a weird way of explaining it but I feel like if she was the one posting on here, people would forgive her for her rough past and tell her to try this new relationship out to see how it works. But when im posting on here asking about her, people tell me to back off and dodge a bullet. They tell me that shes just crazy and to not pursue a relationship with her. Why does it work that way? Should i not give her a chance when its read from "her perspective"?

 

Isnt irony me breaking her and having the nerve to think about why she's not whole?

[Ziggy123]

She has her past it's just part of who she is. You can either accept her as she is and trust her or Not, it's up to you

[abitbroken]

If you don't want anything long term with her, then don't string her along saying you need time for her to prove herself. Break things off with her rather than keep dating and sleeping with her while "she ties up loose ends". Because on her perspective, you could keep raising the bar and not commit to her for more reasons, or for your perspective, its just a mess. Don't create any conditions on her -- break it off with her and tell her if she feels six months down the road that she has tied up these loose ends, give you a call and if you are not seeing anyone, maybe you'll try again. Or just end it. If you are not 100% on someone, you should not continue dating them. let them find someone who is thrilled about them. Not everyone is everyone's cup of tea and that's okay.

[abitbroken]

btw, there is a difference between a rough past --- coming from a poverty background, a parent dying, having a lot of surgeries as a kid and a "rough" past because you are suffering the consequences of your poor choices - like kissing a guy at a party when you have a boyfriend. So don't confuse the two. There *are* young women who don't have "all these loose ends". She needs to decide to put the past behind her by having more months and years in between all of her bad choices and the present time. and when she does that -- maybe she won't meet someone who drops her because of her past but its less a past for you than a pattern.

[jmann45]

I like this girl alot, we get along extremely well and have LOTS in common. I just feel like I did a few years ago all this stuff shes doing now.. "poor choices". I want a relationship with her and i am not stringing her along. I see her as a potential but you're right, I dont know if its a past or a pattern for her yet because it was so recent.

 

If i tell her to hit me up in 6 months when she has all these loose strings tied up, I know for a fact that she will freak out and tell me that she's willing to block all of her exes for me there and then. She will ask me what I want and not hesitate to do it. Although this is an option, it will make me feel like a less of a man "telling" her what to do. I believe it should come naturally.

[yatsue]

Its a weird way of explaining it but I feel like if she was the one posting on here, people would forgive her for her rough past and tell her to try this new relationship out to see how it works. But when im posting on here asking about her, people tell me to back off and dodge a bullet. They tell me that shes just crazy and to not pursue a relationship with her. Why does it work that way? Should i not give her a chance when its read from "her perspective"?

 

Honey, the difference in advice is not because of the change in perspective. It's the difference between if this is what she WAS doing and what she IS doing. This is what this girl IS doing, hence why it is a better idea to back off. She does still have loose ends with ex's and has still been sleeping around as recently as two weeks. I'm all for sexual freedom, although it sounds extreme in this case. She is compensating for something.

 

Now, if this was what she WAS doing a year ago, most would say "it's in her past, don't blame her for it". She is unstable and seems to be looking for any guy who will have her. She said not that long ago she wanted to be in a relationship with a different guy. It didn't work out though. Now she is looking to you for the same question. If it was me...I wouldn't feel very special to her after hearing that. Like I said, it just seems she will take anyone. I get dating around and choosing a partner, but this isn't dating anymore. It sounds more like desperation.

 

You could tell her you will only be in a relationship with her if she cuts off all the ties with her ex's and ex-lovers (ALL of the people she's slept with) because you will not consider dating anyone who needed such connections. Social media, phone numbers, block everywhere so no one will be connected to her anymore. Also, not to be resentful of doing this anytime in the future. If she cannot, then say thank you but no thanks. It is not a demand, it is you giving her the choice to want to have the chance to establish appropriate boundaries while in a real relationship with someone.

 

With that said, I am still not sure she is such a good candidate for a serious relationship. Perhaps casually until she can clear up all her sh**, but she has a lot of it that's recent. That's hard to get rid of even if you try. The other option is to tell her half a year from now, if we're still single and wanting to get into a relationship then hit me up. Tell her you don't want to continue this conversation anymore because you think everything has already been said. She really does need to work on herself and get into healthy boundaries with others. Tell her you won't contact her until then and you will ignore anything she says. She may get mad or be understanding after realizing how hectic her life has been. Just expect to move on though. Don't wait for her. Date others in the meantime, preferably with women who don't have currently heightened sexual or ex issues/ties, then touch base with her when you feel enough time has passed. Good luck.

[jmann45]

Honey, the difference in advice is not because of the change in perspective. It's the difference between if this is what she WAS doing and what she IS doing. This is what this girl IS doing, hence why it is a better idea to back off. She does still have loose ends with ex's and has still been sleeping around as recently as two weeks. I'm all for sexual freedom, although it sounds extreme in this case. She is compensating for something.

 

Now, if this was what she WAS doing a year ago, most would say "it's in her past, don't blame her for it". She is unstable and seems to be looking for any guy who will have her. She said not that long ago she wanted to be in a relationship with a different guy. It didn't work out though. Now she is looking to you for the same question. If it was me...I wouldn't feel very special to her after hearing that. Like I said, it just seems she will take anyone. I get dating around and choosing a partner, but this isn't dating anymore. It sounds more like desperation.

 

You could tell her you will only be in a relationship with her if she cuts off all the ties with her ex's and ex-lovers (ALL of the people she's slept with) because you will not consider dating anyone who needed such connections. Social media, phone numbers, block everywhere so no one will be connected to her anymore. Also, not to be resentful of doing this anytime in the future. If she cannot, then say thank you but no thanks. It is not a demand, it is you giving her the choice to want to have the chance to establish appropriate boundaries while in a real relationship with someone.

 

With that said, I am still not sure she is such a good candidate for a serious relationship. Perhaps casually until she can clear up all her sh**, but she has a lot of it that's recent. That's hard to get rid of even if you try. The other option is to tell her half a year from now, if we're still single and wanting to get into a relationship then hit me up. Tell her you don't want to continue this conversation anymore because you think everything has already been said. She really does need to work on herself and get into healthy boundaries with others. Tell her you won't contact her until then and you will ignore anything she says. She may get mad or be understanding after realizing how hectic her life has been. Just expect to move on though. Don't wait for her. Date others in the meantime, preferably with women who don't have currently heightened sexual or ex issues/ties, then touch base with her when you feel enough time has passed. Good luck.

 

It was as early as 2 weeks before we met. We met about 2 months ago. So its been about 2.5 months since her last shot at a relationship. I think you're right about her trying to get anyone who will accept her at this point. About her past, she fully regrets it. Last night was the first time I just listened to her and she started crying saying that she regrets it all and that she cant take it and that she's just trying to move forward. But that makes me want to ask the question.. what made her so sure of me? What if i break up with her? isnt it just a never ending cycle?

 

By the way, after she meets these guys and a majority of the time they dump her, she always has a solid excuse of why it wouldnt have worked out anyway. A solid excuse of why she considered them a fwb and was just using them for the time being.. These excuses include they werent getting anywhere in life, they didnt have a bright future ahead of them, they had anger issues, ect....my point is, when we think about it from her perspective again, is she not just looking for the right one? If i put myself in her shoes, which im encouraging others to do who are reading this, have you guys not hooked up with other people early on in the relationship just for sexual pleasure but you mainly want to see where it goes? Then some day the right person comes along when you want to only hook up with that 1 person and move forward? Or am i wrong..

 

Sure i agree i should be avoiding her.. but by looking at how she feels about her past and how she feels about everything, she regrets it...

[Giblesp]

No need to bring up her past as its really none of your business. She's probably in love and your bringing up her past, which will drive her away.

 

And why does she need forgiving for her rough past? This implies judgement and ownership.

 

To be honest it sounds like your the one who needs to let go of her past.

[yatsue]

It was as early as 2 weeks before we met. We met about 2 months ago. So its been about 2.5 months since her last shot at a relationship. I think you're right about her trying to get anyone who will accept her at this point. About her past, she fully regrets it. Last night was the first time I just listened to her and she started crying saying that she regrets it all and that she cant take it and that she's just trying to move forward. But that makes me want to ask the question.. what made her so sure of me? What if i break up with her? isnt it just a never ending cycle?

 

By the way, after she meets these guys and a majority of the time they dump her, she always has a solid excuse of why it wouldnt have worked out anyway. A solid excuse of why she considered them a fwb and was just using them for the time being.. These excuses include they werent getting anywhere in life, they didnt have a bright future ahead of them, they had anger issues, ect....my point is, when we think about it from her perspective again, is she not just looking for the right one? If i put myself in her shoes, which im encouraging others to do who are reading this, have you guys not hooked up with other people early on in the relationship just for sexual pleasure but you mainly want to see where it goes? Then some day the right person comes along when you want to only hook up with that 1 person and move forward? Or am i wrong..

 

Sure i agree i should be avoiding her.. but by looking at how she feels about her past and how she feels about everything, she regrets it...

 

I meant to state that she has been seeing many men, up until two weeks before you two started dating but it got lost in translation. As for this being her past, I wouldn't call it her past. It is too recent where she will be fwb with a guy, expect more because she's having sex with him, then he denies her and then she moves on to the next guy. Well that next guy is you and if you don't say yes to her relationship, then she will rinse and repeat. Then tell the next guy she has sex with, and wants to get him to be in a relationship with her, what was wrong with you for x, y and z. Thus never really wanted a relationship anyway. It sounds very disingenuine and more like a cover up after the fact. I don't think she is sure of you, I think she just wants to be in a relationship with anyone is my impression. She's not picking the right guy. She's being indiscriminant.

 

And yes, I have had a casual fling. In fact it was before I met my current bf. Except I did not want a relationship with my fling guy. Ever. I made sure I picked a fwb that I would never be interested in to have this type of agreement with. I dated around, but got some a** before that so I could be physically explorative and satisfied. I knew this fling would never be the right one for me. Eventually I grew tired/bored of it and wanted to find a guy I actually liked and perhaps explore a relationship after getting to know each other more.

 

I cut the fling off when I started to realize my current bf had potential because I knew he has traits I liked in a bf. Once I started getting serious with him, I didn't have anymore connections to past ex's or partners. My bf never once asked me to cut out any guy I had a relationship that was more than platonic. I decided it because it isn't right to keep those connections if you're serious. He also didn't ask me to threaten to file charges to the police when they harrassed me after I cut them off, I did of my own volition.

 

I held off on sexual relations with my bf until we became official because I wanted to have nothing complicating us getting to know each other. I didn't hold off with my fwb because I never wanted anything more with him and we were both up front about that from the beginning. After I saw potential in my current bf, we let each other know we were interested in something more and wanted to see where we go by taking it slow. I don't make fwb into relationships. They are only there for one thing, and that is not to explore a relationship with, which I have decided from the start about that particular person because of x, y and z. I date much differently in my approach, which is more discriminantory than choosing my fwb because I don't want anything specific in them.

[jmann45]

I understand... Past vs Pattern. I agree. It has been too soon for me to know whether its a past or a patter. I talked to her about this and what she thought i was when she met and so on. I just explained to her that i want to take it slow and i want time to see that she has left the past. I need time to see that im not just a part of her depression that she has been dealing with for these past 8 months. She explained to me very thoroughly that she had gotten over it a couple months ago and thats the reason why she didnt get too close or have sex with me for a couple weeks until she knew my intentions.

 

But all in all, she understands that I need time and she's willing to give it to me in order for me to "examine" her in a way and see if I really want to pursue a relationship with her. Of course we didnt word it that way but that was the point of our very long conversation. She also told me some things that she said she thought i didnt care about ... which were her cutting off some loose ends that she had left in the past. She said she blocked a couple guys on all social media and phone, and this was before I even said anything. She explained to me that she is trying to leave her past in the back and move forward, with me.

 

Im glad i came on here and got some advice and had a way to go about with the conversation i had with her. She wants to give me time, which i think i really need. While she gives me some time, she explained that she will be working on cutting off all loose ends and leaving her past, in the past. Mentally and physically. Thanks again everyone.

[abitbroken]

I understand... Past vs Pattern. I agree. It has been too soon for me to know whether its a past or a patter. I talked to her about this and what she thought i was when she met and so on. I just explained to her that i want to take it slow and i want time to see that she has left the past. I need time to see that im not just a part of her depression that she has been dealing with for these past 8 months. She explained to me very thoroughly that she had gotten over it a couple months ago and thats the reason why she didnt get too close or have sex with me for a couple weeks until she knew my intentions.

 

But all in all, she understands that I need time and she's willing to give it to me in order for me to "examine" her in a way and see if I really want to pursue a relationship with her. Of course we didnt word it that way but that was the point of our very long conversation. She also told me some things that she said she thought i didnt care about ... which were her cutting off some loose ends that she had left in the past. She said she blocked a couple guys on all social media and phone, and this was before I even said anything. She explained to me that she is trying to leave her past in the back and move forward, with me.

 

Im glad i came on here and got some advice and had a way to go about with the conversation i had with her. She wants to give me time, which i think i really need. While she gives me some time, she explained that she will be working on cutting off all loose ends and leaving her past, in the past. Mentally and physically. Thanks again everyone.

 

I still think "examining" her is wrong. You either want to be in a relationship with her or not. Actually - going out on dates exclusively with someone and sleeping with someone and then telling them you are not in a relationship with them is disingenious and cruel. If you were both not dating exclusively, that's one thing, but you are in a relationship except for the fact that you are telling her you are not.

 

Either decide to part ways to give her a chance to tie lose ends and if you are both still interested and contact eachother in a few months, then okay, or agree that she is your girlfriend.

 

Because if you continue as you are, it creates an unfair balance with you being the arbiter of whether she has "mentally tied up loose ends" good enough or not.

[fabact]

She has self esteem issues to be bringing up other men and hanging out with a guy who won't fully commit to her. Sorry to be so blunt but it's true. And this whole thing about seeing how she ties up lose ends is a bit if story to me. You just said she would block all her men for you, yet you still won't insist on it. Why? Bc deep down you don't want her to do that bc you like this state it's in. You're not allowing her to show up for you. You're not allowing her to step up her game.

[fabact]

Attention from many men has to do with self esteem. And settling for someone who won't commit (like many from her past and it seems like you as well), is also a self esteem issue.