Witnessed Husband Cheating Saturday, I'm 8 months Pregnant!

[Kate911]

I've been married for 9 months and became pregnant right after my wedding. I love my husband dearly! Friday night he went down to the neighbors house and I knew they were going to be drinking so I didn't go. Being 8 months pregnant, I just wasn't feeling up to it and I let my husband go because I TRUST him. Anyways, I realized he wasn't home at around 4:30 so I woke up waited for him, made some breakfast, and finally walked down at 6:30 in the morning only to find him in the car port of the neighbors house screwing some girl from behind. I'm so hurt by this and beside myself that I just don't know what to do. I love my husband and never thought he would ever do this to me. We've talked and I want to save my marriage but I just don't know what to do. We haven't even been married a year, how am I suppose to believe he can commit to me for the rest of his life now? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[tiger_lilies]

OMG! I am sooooo terribly sorry! How absolutely awful!

 

How has your relationship been with your husband before you caught him?

 

I definitely suggest marriage counseling, but the both of you have to WHAT to make this work, not just you.

[melrich]

Well that is a huge hurdle to get over! I am not usually as pessimistic as some about the ability of relationships to survive tough times but in this case I am struggling to see how you could get over this.

 

You may forgive him and he may be contrite and behave for a while but if after only 9 months marriage and whilst you are 8 months pregnant he has cheated, i just don't know how you can ever trust him to not do something like this again?

 

I can understand that you want to save this marriage, you are in a very vulnerable position. I think the first thing you have to be truthful about is can you live with what he has done and secondly can you ever trust him again. If the answer to either question is "no" then you really need to question if the relationship has a future.

[Vanilla]

Ok. Sweetheart, you are 8 mos pregnant...this is serious.

 

I am sick to my stomach, literally that a man would do that to his 8 mos preg. wife. My heart weeps to know that you had to see that.

 

I kno wyou love your husband, I know you want a family for your child, but do you understand you will have to live with this memory for the rest of your life? Do you think a man who RESPECTS YOU and LOVES YOU would leave his pregnant wife at home while he goes out for a night of drinking and having sex with another woman?

 

How dare he, who does he think he is! Please please think it through. Love can blind us. Your child will be born soon, if he did this to you pregnant why wouldnt he do it again? Do you want your son to grow up and think its ok to cheat on his wife in the future, or have maybe your baby girl think that its ok for a woman to be treated like that?

 

If he kissed someone, or something and you wern't pregnant, then i'd say maybe he really regrets it....BUT YOU ARE PREGNANT, 8 MONTHS FOR THAT MATTER! You are carrying his child and he left you to go drink and screw someone else?

 

I suggest you confide in your family or someone who is close to you and think things through. If you really feel you want to stay with him then so be it, but only stay with him if you are willing to deal with the possibility that he will do thsi to you again when you need him the most and also know you will never forget he did this to you. If you stay with him you will feel at times he owes you the world for doing this to you and you may hold it agianst him at times, when in the end you're the one who chose to stay with him.

 

In my opinion, you sound like a lovely woman who loves and cares for her partner. But a man who does that to his wife, especially while pregnant is nothing but a lousy coward.

 

My heart goes out to you and I will keep you in my prayers. Please write to us if you need to. We are here for you.

[Beec]

Sorry to hear this.

 

A drunk man has little conscience and no inhibitions. That is no excuse. Some thing you just don't do. Of coruse, I will admit that until I was about 23 or 24, I might have done the same. After that I was kind of cured and grew up. At 25, I was the guy who lectured a friend who was just kssing another woman.

 

To begin, I would want him to be able to start with a big apology, and he better look like he means it. Then I would want an explanation as to how it happened. Finally, you had better be able to tell him you don't know when or if you will be able to trust him, but you do need to figure that out. Until you can, he had better understand he is on a short leash.

 

The one thing you need to know is can you ever bring yourself to trust him. I don't think anyone besides you can answer that question. I have friend who had a one-night stand seven years ago, admitted it within days with no prompting, and has never been trusted since. You should want to get out before you last that long without trust.

 

Plenty of couples do learn to have trust again.

 

In the interim, I would challenge his manhood. A real man does not pull this kind of crap. You need to know if he is going to be that kind of man, or if he is not capable of doing that. Sounds like he has some growing up that he missed along the way.

[OceanEyes]

8 months pregnant or not, there is absolutely no excuse for what he's done. If you were not pregnant, I would still suggest that you kick this guy out -- he can still be a father to this baby without you staying with him.

 

You've only been married for a year and he's already stepping out. Why voluntarily stay with someone you won't be able to trust? What he's done is sickening, and regardless of the circumstances, I'd file for divorce; no 'talking it out', no reconciliation, no explanations. Of course, this is how I would see things, but after having seen something like that? No chance of there ever being respect from me ever again.

 

You're probably still in love and will go where your heart tells you. You won't listen because you're still holding on. You will have to learn this lesson on your own. It's sad, but most of us have to learn things like this the hard way, and advice is usually of little comfort (obviously in this case). There are some cases of infidelity where I think the behaviour is something which can be understood and learned from. However, I'm sorry to say that I don't think this is one of those cases. Here's why:

 

* Married one year, and he's already cheating.

 

* He takes no thought in the fact that you, his pregnant wife, is at home alone while he's out having sex with someone else behind your back. This is a major sign that you're married to a guy who is incredibly selfish, dishonest, and disrespectful. Alcohol isn't an excuse. I've known my 'limit' since I was 17 years old. Long story short? An adult should know better than to get themself so drunk that they don't know what they're doing.

 

I'm sorry that this happened to you, but at least you hadn't been married for 10 years. Despite the fact that this man is the father of your child, I don't believe in parents staying together for the sake of children. Bad parents are bad parents -- whether they stay together or not. Sometimes watching mommy and daddy fight all the time is worse than having two homes. I hope you can find some peace in all of this. Good luck.

[DN]

You have to decide what you want and that may take a while. I agree with Beec that it is possible to get past this - many people have forgiven infidelity and had a strong marriage afterwards. But it takes a long time to regain love and trust; so you must be very sure that you want to before you try. If you decide to try to repair the marriage, then I think you should seek marriage counselling - it would be very difficult to to this without someone to help you put the pieces together.

 

If you do decide to part, then OceanEyes is right - he can still be a good father without being your husband.

[whatfor]

Kate, im sorry this happened to you. It is horrible. Makes me sick. How can someone do something like that to someone he loves. Especially so soon after marriage and while having a baby.

 

 

Sometimes watching mommy and daddy fight all the time is worse than having two homes.

 

I agree with this, totally true. Dont stay for the kids sake... stay only if you have other reasons. But dont stay for the kid, the kid wont be happy, just like the two of you.

 

Jesus, what a j$rk

[ReadyorNot]

Oh my goodness.. I am so sorry.. that is awful... what did you do when you saw this?

 

I dont know how you could want to save your marriage after that, but if you can that is fantastic... I just cant believe he could do that to you

[Vanilla]

I grew up knowing my father cheated on my mother, repeatedly. I was 6 yrs old, and already knew the meaning of infidelity. It hurt, it hurt seeing my mother stay with him. I asked my mother if we could leave him. I was the one who asked if they could separate.

 

I vowed to never allow a man to do that to me. I know she stayed for me, she tried, but in the end it was the wrong choice and we both agree on that now but its ok because she was blinded with her love for him and I. She didnt know what she knows now.

 

I agree iwth Ocean eyes, pregnant or not its a sick act on his part. Its sick no matter what, but being pregnant, 8 mos pregnant just shows you he wont repect you no matter what.

 

To me there is no excuse for cheating. No justification. NOTHING. You choose what to do. He knew what he was doing. I could never ever stay with someone who did that to me, ESPECIALLY while I was carrying their child! I would not stay with them pregnant or not, but pregnant is the epitimy of it all. Then again I am not you.

 

He didnt even make an effort not to get caught. Do you think a man who loves you and RESPECTS you and thinks of you as a worthy woman would do this?

 

I say forgive him, because forgiving is a beautiful and powerful tool to move on. However forgiving doesnt mean to forget.

 

I would forgive and move on with my life without him. He can see his child and be a part of his/her life, I;d be civil and keep a friendly relationship, but to give him my love and trust? After that....no not a chance. I know what I'm worth.

 

Please remember, if he did this to you with not even a yr into marriage....dont be blinded and think he wont do this again. After you cheat ONCE, just ONCE, there are NO guarantees.

 

I am so sorry he did this to you, I am so sorry.

[Jetta]

Kate I'm so sorry you're going through this. I suggest you get counseling to heal yourself and see if this marriage is worth saving. I did not get counseling right away like I should have and 10 years later I'm forced to deal with it, in addition the additional problems added on because of not handling them sooner. Please go to a professional to work through your feelings and help you decide the best route to take.

[discordant_verse]

The most important thing to me in any relationship is trust. I am not very forgiving about betrayal, its very hard for me to get over such a thing.

 

Kate, I feel bad for you.

 

/me gives you virtual hugs

 

I suggest you take some time away from this dude for a bit. Listen to yourself and your child. Once you've pulled yourself together enough, you gotta decide on what to do next. Lots of good advise has been given out by people here.

 

I'm not even sure whether I want that guy to be my childs father but its only fair to give him that chance.

 

Regards

DV

[DN]

I'm not even sure whether I want that guy to be my childs father but its only fair to give him that chance.

 

I understand this sentiment but please remember that if you do decide to split from your husband the decision about whether he gets a chance to be your child's father is not yours to make. Please do not allow your understandable bitterness over your husband's conduct to affect his relationship with your child. This could only adversely affect your child; family court judges, if it should come to that, would not view such actions as being in his/her best interests.

[Spirits Away]

You know what. I've had similar friends who are married and KNEW that he's going to cheat on her wife. Just by the way he dresses and the stuff he cares about, you can pretty much tell what type of person he is. I was just beginning to date this girl at the time i met him, he right off the bat asks me if i "screw" with her already or not. Anyhow, he became my friend few months ago and his wife were like 5 months pregnant at that time. 3 months ago, i've found out from a friend of his (a female) that he got a girlfriend, and of course, a wife. He doesn't know i knew he just got a girlfriend at that time but he kept emphasizing that he loves his wife and all that. Knowing that he's a player (told me he slept with 17 girls before his wife), I just couldn't do anything about it. He consistently dates other girls while his wife is pregnant at home.

 

Anyways, to bring my friend's situation to yours, you probably knew he was like that from the beginning. There is nothing you can do about it because he "can" and he's the "will if he can". Nothing you can do to change the him he is. I know you have a child along, but i do not want to get into that. There are only two choices: live with it, or leave.

[RayKay]

Oh wow, I read your post and honestly, it is the first time I have been absolutely stunned by a post on here and what to say. I can't even imagine how horrible that would of been to find, or how terrible you must feel right now.

 

Other posters have already given you some great advice, so I guess I will only just reiterate some of what they said.

 

What he did is absolutely terrible no matter how far along in the marriage you are, and whether you are pregnant or not. I would not blame you in the least bit if you could not forgive him, but I also know how at 8 months pregnant with a child on the way even considering being on your own right now must be a terrible feeling.

 

You need to really think about your options - I would also suggest marital counselling for the BOTH of you, and even with that you may find that seperation is the best option, but since you are married I do advise you at least talk to a therapist, even if it is to help ease into seperation.

 

You do NOT have to forgive or stay with him....you WILL be okay on your own, and with friends and family. And if he has cheated once already, there are no guarantees it would not happen again - he has broken your trust and really should not even expect to have it back again and if he DOES earn it back it will take an incredible amount of time, work and patience.

 

Whatever happens, your child will still need their father in their life, so even if you do split, please allow the child their father - but don't stay with him just so she/he does have a father. It does not mean they will not have a father figure, it is more important your child grow up in a happy household even if it is JUST YOU AND THE CHILD then in an unhappy household without trust or commitment.

 

I am so sorry again, and wish I could be more help. I really do feel your pain sweetheart, and I am sending you all the hugs in the world I possibly can. Be strong, but cry too, and feel free to post here as much as you need to.

[nexus532]

jeez, there is really nothing i can say not ever been in this kind of situation before. Im so sorry, be strong and don't forget that whatever makes you happy is the right thing.

[Cecelius]

I agree with Ocean Eyes, nothing more to add than that I cannot fathom how you could scour that image from the back of your mind, for the rest of your life.

 

Oh, and 17 girls doesn't make a player, or a cheater.

[miracle29]

In addition i just want to say, that if it had been me, i would have probably been in prison. I would have lost it, probably would have taken them both out. I just pictured my fiance trying me like this. I think i may go home and slap him just incase he thought about thinking about it.

 

Honestly i can tell you, i would have physically hurt this man, he's lucky its you. I know you're pregnant so in your case if i was you i would have called a few of the "boys" to deal with him until he begged for mercy. And the girl, depending on if she knew me, she would have had a nice shiner in the morning.

[ReadyorNot]

After reading this and telling my bf about it, I told him I would end up in prison as well after seeing this, had it have been me....

 

I honestly would have lost it as well... he told me he is glad I would care so much...but obviously he wouldnt do it... OMG.. I really feel sad for this woman... I hope she is doing well... has anyone heard from her lately?

[loner]

I am so sorry to hear this.

 

I read all these posts and some people have reallly given you some great advice. To be honest I am totally stunned by it and just don't know what to say. This is too deep for me.

I just pray and hope that you can get something out of this.

All the best....

[lulu49]

I am sorry to hear this. I cannot understand why someone would cause such hurt and pain to their partner particularly at this vulnerable time for you.

 

The priority here now is yourself and your baby. My advice would be to get counselling and don't make any hurried decisions about the future until your baby is born and even then give yourself some time to adjust to being a new mother. Your husband also needs to go to counselling.

I dont want to sound pesimistic here but trust is very hard to build after it is broken I hope you both can make.

[ReadyorNot]

I was just thinking that you must be just about due.. Have you had the baby yet? How are you doing?