Partner's Sexual Past

[RandomVlogger]

This may be quite long and I appreciate anyone who's taken the time to read through it.

 

So let me give you the background story, it started back in 2012 when I was fresh out of a 6 year relationship and she was an international student from North America. When we met, I hadn't planned for anything long term to happen although she did make it clear she wanted something longer term. I suppose being naive at the time and having been tied down for most of my life, I allowed myself to fall into a relationship. I have no regrets though, during that time she became my best friend and we traveled all over Europe together, spending most of our time together even if it was a quiet evening in. She was very sexually open, she often told me about casual lovers and experiences she had had, sometimes things would just slip out that perhaps I wasn't ready to hear. She used to be the kind who would say before they think and would openly speak about things I would consider to be a private matter. She told me she was in a three year relationship which I was totally cool with, but she had at that point been with six people casually.

 

Later down the line, her visa expired and she had to go back causing us to become long distance. A few months later I don't know how or why it happened, but something hit me hard. I felt this huge jealousy/resentment for the things she had done before she met me and while I understood she didn't know me, I couldn't help but feel she had denied me of something I valued quite highly. That's not to say a woman's worth is in her vagina and I understood that, but as a result I went into a deep state of depression obviously made harder by the fact our only communication was by the internet. Eventually I tried to take matters into my own hands by getting on with my life than trying to dwell on something I couldn't change, so I landed my first major job abroad in another country.

 

For the most part of my time living abroad, things were tough being long distance and with these problems circulating eventually it got too much for me so I cut the ties. We tried later to work things out, but it just wasn't happening. I'd leave her after visiting and we'd be back to square one again. I figured at that point, I needed time to mature myself to either go out and have those experiences I never had or potentially find someone else who I could feel at ease with mentally. I became quite good friends with my roommate at the time and as time progressed, things escalated between us. This period went on for about the period of six months where I was kind of dating the other girl and I saw who is now my current girlfriend once in that time. In and around that time we hooked up once and I had asked her beforehand if she had slept with anyone else in that time knowing she knew I had, but she said no. We eventually fell out and disconnected the ties around December/January time of 2016 after I found out she was lying to me. My affairs with my ex roommate was more or less over at this point although my now girlfriend blocked all forms of contact after an argument around that time.

 

For the first time in a very long time, I found myself a single man free to do whatever I pleased. During the period from January to say August, I probably either slept with or dated around 6/7 people (hypocritical I know). About October time so a little under a year later, I heard a grandparent of hers passed away and hesitant to do so I messaged her to send my condolences. Before I knew what was happening, we were reminiscing memories, talking about things we missed and so on. So I made the decision to go see her to see how things were between us. We got on great and it was great to be with her to which we agreed to try again for another relationship (she said she hadn't slept with anyone else in our time apart). I felt a lot better then, like since I suppose since I had those experiences perhaps I had matured as a result because those thoughts I once had were non-existent. We visited each other a couple of times and everything was great until I went to see her again.

 

She had a birthday party coming up and she was in the process of inviting people to come along. I remember one time we got into an argument about my ex roommate who I had a relationship and she said something without thinking to me, and in the process slipped the person's name who she had previously lied to me about. Anyway I noticed a person with the same was due to be attending the party, so I made the decision not to mentioned anything just because I didn't want to ruin her birthday gathering, that and I wasn't sure if this was the same guy. Anyway, so this guy turns up and he was very respectful, no problems and even briefly spoke at one point. When we got home, I raised my concern to her and she said to me yes that it was him. Once I explained how hypocritical this was, she said that it didn't even occur to her considering it was so long ago and so meaningless and she apologized immediately acknowledging she made a mistake.

 

Since that incident, I really can't explain why but these thoughts and feels from 2/3 years ago seem to be creeping back into my head. I really thought after our time away that I had turned a page from all these issues. Given that I've probably had the same amount of sexual partners as her (if not more) I can't understand why this is an issue anymore and why I'm still experiencing these problems. It's not just about the most recent, but now I'm going back to all the others although like I said, I have no issues with her relationship in fact I enjoy hearing stories about her relationship, but it's the casual partners that dig deep. I'm considering seeing a therapist at some point, but I'm just wondering if anyone had any words of wisdom or any input to this all. I don't consider myself a jealous person equally this has never been an issue for any of my other partners or relationships.

 

Thanks very much for reading my dissertation!

[ThatwasThen]

Retrograde jealousy.

 

Maybe the info in the link below will help you with that...

 

 

[RandomVlogger]

Retrograde jealousy.

 

Maybe the info in the link below will help you with that...

 

 

Thanks very much, just reading through it now!

[RandomVlogger]

So I've taken a few points from watching the video and reading the article, and it could well be a form of OCD. This quote is where I feel I stand on the issue:

 

Some people are troubled by the fact that their partner went through a “promiscuous phase” involving multiple lovers.

 

Like I mentioned, I don't feel in the slightest jealous or insecure about her previous relationship but what pains me inside is the thought of thinking she gave herself up too easy. I'm not in any way suggesting women shouldn't be allowed to have sex or have a phase at some point in their lives, 7/8 or sexual partners isn't even that much in comparison to what it could be but this is just the way my mind thinks. I want to eventually get to a point where I can openly talk to her about her sexual past and not get butt-hurt as a result.

 

I feel when we talk on the issue, I feel myself as mentioned in the video digging through for information to find ease but whatever she says, it's never enough. Even searching old Facebook status', conversations and becoming a Facebook stalker, I don't know what clarity I'm going to get but I suppose I just want the full picture.

[ThatwasThen]

This is a case of: If you can't handle the truth, then don't ask the question(s).

 

Its also a case of mind over matter so do the mental work you have to do to get to the point that it doesn't matter or, leave her and find someone that is a virgin or at the very least has a personal boundary of only having sex within a committed relationship while hoping that she doesn't judge you for your stage of promiscuity.

 

Google more on retrograde jealousy. Perhaps the more you educate yourself about it, the more you'll train your mind to not care.

 

Good luck.

[yatsue]

While reading your original post, I got the impression that you were threatened she still socialized with someone she casually slept with. Does this have any play into your thinking she was too "easy", in your words?

 

However, if it's more so you hate the idea that she had the same past as you, concerning casually sleeping with a handful of people, then you are right; you are hypocritical. If this is so, my question to you is how do you not judge yourself so harshly, unlike you do unto your gf? Is it because you believe you are a guy and that's what guys do, you rather a more inexperienced person than yourself, etc?

[RandomVlogger]

While reading your original post, I got the impression that you were threatened she still socialized with someone she casually slept with. Does this have any play into your thinking she was too "easy", in your words?

 

However, if it's more so you hate the idea that she had the same past as you, concerning casually sleeping with a handful of people, then you are right; you are hypocritical. If this is so, my question to you is how do you not judge yourself so harshly, unlike you do unto your gf? Is it because you believe you are a guy and that's what guys do, you rather a more inexperienced person than yourself, etc?

 

Hi yatsue, thanks for getting back to me. Let me just clarify a few points you've touched on.

 

So after I finished up living abroad, I kept in contact with the person I was dating at the time and made an effort to maintain a friendship. When we got back together, this became a problem and we've had multiple arguments about this however, I haven't seen this person in going on 2 years now, and any communication with have is by texting or over the internet. On the flip side, this guy she slept with is apparently in the same social group as her and lives only up the road although she said in a year she's only seen him two or three times, one of which was when I was there. As you can imagine, I immediately jumped on her case about this to which she apologized and promised she would avoid contact with him as much as she possibly could going forward.

 

I have no insecurities or have never had any fear for that matter that she would ever leave me, or see anyone else so that doesn't bother me. I figured when we got back together that she would have most likely seen other people in that time (she did but no sexual partners). The "easy" part came long before this incident, back two or three years ago when this all begun.

 

I take your point on the hypocritical factor and now at this moment in time, I can't understand why it's still an issue considering I feel equal to her. However remember that this all started about 2/3 years ago where there was a time where I had only been with one person sexually, and she had been with 7, one long term which I have no problem with but 6 casually. When I made the decision to sleep with those people (some I dated others where short term), I was set that I never wanted the prospect of another relationship again because I couldn't tolerate the hassle and aggravation that came with it, and I enjoyed three freedom/peace of mind too much. On the other hand and it feels wrong punishing her for things she did before she even knew of my existence, but she made the decision to be with those people casually knowing one day she might eventually meet someone she could love. This is what my mind finds it difficult to comprehend, why she didn't hold out until and then this would have never been an issue and perhaps, I may have still only had been with one person.

 

Please note I'm just trying to be as honest as I can to give you the full picture of my mind and how it operates. I know it's ill-thinking and not logical so please take that into account. I've never had this issue with anyone else I've met or dated, is it just because she's important to me that it's a problem?

[RandomVlogger]

This is a case of: If you can't handle the truth, then don't ask the question(s).

 

Its also a case of mind over matter so do the mental work you have to do to get to the point that it doesn't matter or, leave her and find someone that is a virgin or at the very least has a personal boundary of only having sex within a committed relationship while hoping that she doesn't judge you for your stage of promiscuity.

 

Google more on retrograde jealousy. Perhaps the more you educate yourself about it, the more you'll train your mind to not care.

 

Good luck.

 

Maybe I'm different, but whatever relationship I end up in if I do, I'd always like to know. I feel like I want a full picture of the person I'm with.

 

I do take your point, thanks very much for the input. If you have a look at my response to yatsue, hopefully this expands on your point of my stage of promiscuity.

[RoonilWaslib]

Jealousy stems from insecurity and fear. It's basically impossible to separate them. Think about it - if you have absolutely NO fears or insecurities (as you say you don't), then why the heck are you jealous?

 

All cards on the table, I've also caught myself getting very jealous of my partner's past, even from long before we ever met. That would never happen if there wasn't at least a small nugget of fear/insecurity. Without those things, jealousy would have nowhere to take hold and grow.

 

What helps me is actually confronting my hypocracy. I've been with just as many people (if not more) than my partner. I've had flings and hookups as well as very long term, committed relationships. When I catch myself ruminating on some girl or another from his past ("what did they do exactly?"; "what was it about her that he liked so much?"; etc.) I do my best to talk myself down by reminding myself that I've done the EXACT same things as him. Indeed, I've done all of these things...but it doesn't make me less valuable, nor does it make HIM any less valuable to me.

 

Confront your hypocracy, OP. Challenge yourself rather than allowing your distorted thoughts to dictate your behavior. You know it's hypocritical to judge her as "easy", so remind yourself of that over and over again.

 

If that doesn't work...let her go. You deserve happiness and she deserves someone who doesn't hold her to some antiquated standard of purity.

[RandomVlogger]

Jealousy stems from insecurity and fear. It's basically impossible to separate them. Think about it - if you have absolutely NO fears or insecurities (as you say you don't), then why the heck are you jealous?

 

All cards on the table, I've also caught myself getting very jealous of my partner's past, even from long before we ever met. That would never happen if there wasn't at least a small nugget of fear/insecurity. Without those things, jealousy would have nowhere to take hold and grow.

 

What helps me is actually confronting my hypocracy. I've been with just as many people (if not more) than my partner. I've had flings and hookups as well as very long term, committed relationships. When I catch myself ruminating on some girl or another from his past ("what did they do exactly?"; "what was it about her that he liked so much?"; etc.) I do my best to talk myself down by reminding myself that I've done the EXACT same things as him. Indeed, I've done all of these things...but it doesn't make me less valuable, nor does it make HIM any less valuable to me.

 

Confront your hypocracy, OP. Challenge yourself rather than allowing your distorted thoughts to dictate your behavior. You know it's hypocritical to judge her as "easy", so remind yourself of that over and over again.

 

If that doesn't work...let her go. You deserve happiness and she deserves someone who doesn't hold her to some antiquated standard of purity.

 

It's interesting, because I don't know what the foundations of jealousy are. Like I said, I don't believe or think that I am a jealous person as in, I don't compare myself to anyone she's been with previously, I don't look at other people like the guy at the party and think I'm lesser than he is, in fact I think (without being too modest) a lot better than the people she's dated or been with. Equally I don't feel jealous when she's around other guys, or hugs them and for that reason I don't think I have any insecurities, that I know of anyway but you make some interesting and valid points in what you're saying.

 

I think in your message you've touched on a word that I think triggers my issues in "purity". I totally agree, it shouldn't make anyone feel like lesser or a person, or less valuable/significant. Ironically, if I left this relationship I then couldn't offer someone else the same level of purity I'm looking for myself. I'm more intrigued to know why and where it comes from, why do I or people suffer with this mentality? Is it a gender thing, do men and women prioritize different things but then as you say, you've experienced these issues yourself. As a question, you say caught.. are you overcome this problem or is it still something you keep having to downplay to this day?

[RoonilWaslib]

It's interesting, because I don't know what the foundations of jealousy are. Like I said, I don't believe or think that I am a jealous person as in, I don't compare myself to anyone she's been with previously, I don't look at other people like the guy at the party and think I'm lesser than he is, in fact I think (without being too modest) a lot better than the people she's dated or been with. Equally I don't feel jealous when she's around other guys, or hugs them and for that reason I don't think I have any insecurities, that I know of anyway but you make some interesting and valid points in what you're saying.

 

I think in your message you've touched on a word that I think triggers my issues in "purity". I totally agree, it shouldn't make anyone feel like lesser or a person, or less valuable/significant. Ironically, if I left this relationship I then couldn't offer someone else the same level of purity I'm looking for myself. I'm more intrigued to know why and where it comes from, why do I or people suffer with this mentality? Is it a gender thing, do men and women prioritize different things but then as you say, you've experienced these issues yourself. As a question, you say caught.. are you overcome this problem or is it still something you keep having to downplay to this day?

My personal opinion is that, for a very long time, women have been held to different "purity" standards than men. I'd like to think that we are maybe moving past that, which is why I called it antiquated. But as you can see it's obviously still a problem.

 

To answer your question, I still occasionally compare myself to my partner's exes here and there. I do my best to catch those thoughts as they come up because I know they are completely irrational.

[JustMe6]

I have had this issue in all my past relationships. I know this doesnt help now but for me im going into my new one where he isnt asking about my past and im not asking about his. Im not going to have that stalker issue and questioning and images and comparing. We have both been married before.

[RandomVlogger]

My personal opinion is that, for a very long time, women have been held to different "purity" standards than men.

 

I did some research on this a while back, I can't explain why or perhaps I've forgotten and this only a generalization, but men value things like purity a lot than women do. Put in the bluntest possible way, it would be like buying a brand new car to then find out it had some previous owners before. For some guys they may not care and accept that everyone has a past, others might be reluctant to find complacency in it (subject to what that past is). Sometimes for men this can be harder to separate for example, how special am I if she can easily throw it away like that, although the double standard being that men will often sleep around if not more than women but every situation is different.

 

Women on the other hand value things like emotions more, the feeling/connection you have with another soul rather than the physical elements of a relationship. Because if a woman were to cheat on a guy, the guy would most likely be in disgust where as a woman would feel more betrayal to her trust and emotionally hurt.

 

Again all generalizing here but based on that logic, how do you find acceptance if your partner has had a promiscuous phase at some point in their life?