My story...

[arrow269]

First post here... wish I didn't have to.

 

Married for seven years. 2 adorable boys, 5 and 3. Thought things were fine. I love my wife to death. About 4 months ago my wife came to me that she "wasn't happy." We all know what came next. Long story story short, she claims to have had a major lacking in an emotional connection over the last seven years. But when she started law school she met a guy and developed a relationship over the course of a year. And then in March slept with him.

 

She came clean to me on April 27. I was crushed. Didn't react in manly angry manner, but in a emotionally devastating way. The next two months were full of ups and downs. By month three she proceeded to go full on with her relationship with him while still married to me.

 

No one supported her. Her family. My family. She stood to loose everything by choosing this guy over fixing our marriage. Yet I stuck it out because I love her. Waiting for the moment for things to turn. And last week it did. She ended it with him and then he showed his true colors to her.

 

I'm leaving much out, but right now we're here. Hopefully going to start therapy soon.

 

However right now there's a huge emotional wall up. We haven't had sex since before this happened. And there's no building yet. I don't even know what building and trying to rebuild our marriage means. I want her so badly. The pain I feel is insane. The loneliness is insane. All the support in the world means nothing. I

 

At the same time I'm craving an emotional relationship. I'm craving emotional intimacy. And I know that if this doesn't move forward soon I'm going to eventually fall into my own emotional affair...

 

I'm drowning!

[WombatShadow]

The only thing that is going to work for you two is therapy. We can talk until we're blue in the face, we can empathize and sympathize until we're basically squeezed into your house along with your wife and kids, but we can't help you with this.

 

Take care of your kids and don't let them get put in the middle. Take care of yourself. Listen to your counselor. Listen to your wife at counseling. I would suggest both of you reading and implementing The Five Love Languages, but that's not a surefire way to fix things.

[arrow269]

The only thing that is going to work for you two is therapy. We can talk until we're blue in the face, we can empathize and sympathize until we're basically squeezed into your house along with your wife and kids, but we can't help you with this.

 

Take care of your kids and don't let them get put in the middle. Take care of yourself. Listen to your counselor. Listen to your wife at counseling. I would suggest both of you reading and implementing The Five Love Languages, but that's not a surefire way to fix things.

 

I agree. But right now she needs to "heal" and mourn this relationship apparently. Read the book. We are amazing around the kids.

 

I'm just saying that as much as I want this work out, I'm being drawn to have a relationship as well...

[rosephase]

Breathe.

 

You are completely emotionally flooded. And understandably so. You need time to sort out how you feel. You are in an extremely complicated, extremely emotional, situation.

 

How are you doing with your day to day stuff? Are you getting enough sleep? Are you getting enough to eat? Are you getting outside? Are you spending time with comforting people? Are you getting exercise?

 

It sounds like you need to STOP with her for a bit and get your feet under you. If she is real about being back she should be more than willing to give you time to think. What do you need?

 

Be kind to yourself. Go slow and listen to yourself. All of this urgency isn't necessary. You need time and space to even understand how you feel.

[arrow269]

Breathe.

 

You are completely emotionally flooded. And understandably so. You need time to sort out how you feel. You are in an extremely complicated, extremely emotional, situation.

 

How are you doing with your day to day stuff? Are you getting enough sleep? Are you getting enough to eat? Are you getting outside? Are you spending time with comforting people? Are you getting exercise?

 

It sounds like you need to STOP with her for a bit and get your feet under you. If she is real about being back she should be more than willing to give you time to think. What do you need?

 

Be kind to yourself. Go slow and listen to yourself. All of this urgency isn't necessary. You need time and space to even understand how you feel.

 

Thanks for responding. The first two months were complete hell and I wasn't taking care of myself. The last month I worked hard to get my emotions in order. I'm eating right. At the gym everyday. I'm functioning perfectly fine.

 

I'm just craving the emotional companionship especially now during this "stagnant" period.

[rosephase]

Thanks for responding. The first two months were complete hell and I wasn't taking care of myself. The last month I worked hard to get my emotions in order. I'm eating right. At the gym everyday. I'm functioning perfectly fine.

 

I'm just craving the emotional companionship especially now during this "stagnant" period.

 

You've gone a long time without romantic companionship while also going through a LOT of pain and rejection. That is rough. Your wife is telling you she -still- can't be a companion to you. She is telling you that her hurt matters more than repairing your relationship. I don't think you need an affair. You need to sort out this relationship. Are you going to let her come back into you life because she lost this other dude? And then treat you poorly? If she isn't over him then she isn't ready to be with you. If she needs to mourn, then she can do it else where. When(if) she is ready to show up, then she can.

[arrow269]

You've gone a long time without romantic companionship while also going through a LOT of pain and rejection. That is rough. Your wife is telling you she -still- can't be a companion to you. She is telling you that her hurt matters more than repairing your relationship. I don't think you need an affair. You need to sort out this relationship. Are you going to let her come back into you life because she lost this other dude? And then treat you poorly? If she isn't over him then she isn't ready to be with you. If she needs to mourn, then she can do it else where. When(if) she is ready to show up, then she can.

 

Well not to defend her. She didn't lose him. She ended it with him because she knew it was the right thing to do and it's more important to fix this marriage than anything else. But she is going through a process now. But I'm slipping. That's what I feel like. I'm strong in all other areas. Just totally craving an emotional connection.

[rosephase]

Well not to defend her. She didn't lose him. She ended it with him because she knew it was the right thing to do and it's more important to fix this marriage than anything else. But she is going through a process now. But I'm slipping. That's what I feel like. I'm strong in all other areas. Just totally craving an emotional connection.

 

She is mourning the relationship. If she is focused on that then she can't be focused on repairing a badly damaged marriage.

 

Are you craving emotional connection? Or romantic connection? If it is emotional connection, do you have friends? family? therapists? you can talk to?

 

Because my guess is you are missing a romantic connection.

[arrow269]

She is mourning the relationship. If she is focused on that then she can't be focused on repairing a badly damaged marriage.

 

Are you craving emotional connection? Or romantic connection? If it is emotional connection, do you have friends? family? therapists? you can talk to?

 

She's not focused on it. It's just part of what's going on.

 

Emotional and romantic I guess. I have a therapist. Family and friends, as great of a support system they are, it's nothing compared to the other half of you that was always your emotional support that is gone now.

 

I was out to dinner last week and ironically enough there was a group of women out supporting their friend who was cheated on and who's husband was leaving her. I wanted to give her my number and be there for this girl. So badly. But I didn't. Because I also want to fix my marriage.

 

Trust me - I feel divorce would've been easier. But I don't feel that marriage is disposable. It should be worked on before throwing in the towel.

[rosephase]

Trust me - I feel divorce would've been easier. But I don't feel that marriage is disposable. It should be worked on before throwing in the towel.

 

Well... it sounds like you've made your choice. But man... you've worked on this a lot. No one is accusing you of lightly walking away.

 

If you want to stick it out I would suggest letting your wife know how you are feeling. Letting her know about this building need.

[arrow269]

Well... it sounds like you've made your choice. But man... you've worked on this a lot. No one is accusing you of lightly walking away.

 

If you want to stick it out I would suggest letting your wife know how you are feeling. Letting her know about this building need.

 

She knows about it. She has it too... because she's kissing it from her lover. Me... I'm missing it from her....

[rosephase]

She knows about it. She has it too... because she's kissing it from her lover. Me... I'm missing it from her....

 

Nope. She isn't a mind reader.

 

Or she does know and chooses not to change it. But telling her would be a act of faith and work on the relationship.

 

But to be honest I don't think either of you are in a place to work on this relationship. I think you both need time and space instead of just jumping back in like that is possible.

 

Your old relationship is dead. It will never be that old relationship again. You both can choose to build something new. But right now it sounds like neither of you are ready to start building something new. You both need to heal and mourn. You both need to be ready and willing to work. Trying to force it when neither of you are emotionally up for it will fail.

[chitown9]

Arrow, start romancing your wife. Start planning dates. Even if your heart is not really in it. Carry her across the threshold. Make no mention of the dark episode that occurred in your lives. Bring the magic back. You can do this. chi

[arrow269]

Arrow, start romancing your wife. Start planning dates. Even if your heart is not really in it. Carry her across the threshold. Make no mention of the dark episode that occurred in your lives. Bring the magic back. You can do this. chi

 

Trust me I'm down to do that. She doesn't want it now. Maybe it's too soon, I don't know.

[arrow269]

Nope. She isn't a mind reader.

 

Or she does know and chooses not to change it. But telling her would be a act of faith and work on the relationship.

 

But to be honest I don't think either of you are in a place to work on this relationship. I think you both need time and space instead of just jumping back in like that is possible.

 

Your old relationship is dead. It will never be that old relationship again. You both can choose to build something new. But right now it sounds like neither of you are ready to start building something new. You both need to heal and mourn. You both need to be ready and willing to work. Trying to force it when neither of you are emotionally up for it will fail.

 

I have told her. I know the old relationship is dead. The problem is that she can't get past the old relationship and what it was and doesn't see how it can be different. She seems resigned to the fact that it is what it is and life will go on.

 

I don't know what a new relationship will look like. But I'm so so down to seeing what it could be.

 

In terms of being ready, I don't know if she'll ever be fully ready, but I guess time and space for a bit can't hurt other than me starting to emotionally drift off.

[ImYoPusher]

First post here... wish I

At the same time I'm craving an emotional relationship. I'm craving emotional intimacy. And I know that if this doesn't move forward soon I'm going to eventually fall into my own emotional affair...

 

I'm drowning!

 

You're going through a lot right now and after what you've been going through, you may feel as if you need someone to feel connected again but please put those feelings behind you. If therapy is going to work, you don't want to put anymore stress on the relationship by becoming a cheater yourself.

 

My ex husband cheated (not why we got divorced) and we separated. After about three months, we got into therapy and stayed together another 6 years. It's definitely possible to get past cheating. It sounds like you love your wife and want to work it out so please don't sabotage it.

[Lester]

Unless you filed, or but her stuff on the porch, I highly doubt she ended it.

 

Marriage is not a relationship, or an emotional fast food store, or a piece of litter, or you deciding when to toss towels.

 

A clue: (Very abbreviated)

I caught my wife talking to my ex-best "friend" very early into her thrill stage. I moved out of our bedroom that very first day.

It hurt a lot, but I keep moving toward what I thought was what she wanted; me out of her life. (Remember, tons being left out.)

 

She got scared, (being forced to make decisions now has a real damping affect on thrill), and asked me why such a rush to leave the bed.

I told her, "Because I don't sleep with other people's wives."

 

You need to understand what a wife is, and what you got.

She may now be a wife... I don't know, but she's certainly not a loneliness fixer.

 

Only from that understanding can you know what to do.

[arrow269]

Unless you filed, or but her stuff on the porch, I highly doubt she ended it.

 

Marriage is not a relationship, or an emotional fast food store, or a piece of litter, or you deciding when to toss towels.

 

A clue: (Very abbreviated)

I caught my wife talking to my ex-best "friend" very early into her thrill stage. I moved out of our bedroom that very first day.

It hurt a lot, but I keep moving toward what I thought was what she wanted; me out of her life. (Remember, tons being left out.)

 

She got scared, (being forced to make decisions now has a real damping affect on thrill), and asked me why such a rush to leave the bed.

I told her, "Because I don't sleep with other people's wives."

 

You need to understand what a wife is, and what you got.

She may now be a wife... I don't know, but she's certainly not a loneliness fixer.

 

Only from there can you know what to do.

 

Oh trust me I know that. I know she's not a loneliness fixer. I'm just venting what I feel I need to help me get through this stage. Which clearly isn't healthy. I get that.

 

And she was forced to make a choice. And that's why she's here albeit not fully ready to move forward.

 

Ironically enough, her strong convictions and hard nosed determination not to be what she was can be a huge step for our marriage if it works. Because until now she's been a back seat driver and was supported by me - not an equal partner. I see that now. She brings so much to the table that the potential for us to be a strong COUPLE is huge once things can begin to move forward.

 

The problem for me is, as the process continues I feel myself drifting emotionally. I know where I want to be. But going through something like this alone has left me completely emotionally starved.

[link14]

Well... it sounds like you've made your choice. But man... you've worked on this a lot. No one is accusing you of lightly walking away.

 

If you want to stick it out I would suggest letting your wife know how you are feeling. Letting her know about this building need.

 

yea let her know how u feel now and back then ...

[Unreasonable]

I've gone through a similar thing as you, and it's not over. I'm still not over it. All I can say is, if you want this to work, stay strong. Don't cheat. Don't stoop to her level, and take pride in that. Part of what makes it so hard is feeling like she's only with you because her lover is gone and she can't do better, which obviously is not a good reason to be with you. So, you have to be a man she wants to be with, period, and cheating will destroy that. This is going to be a long road, friend.