Live-in bf won't leave

[minamimisha]

So there is a lot in this situation that's my fault. I've dug myself in a nice hole, and I'm well aware of it. But dwelling on regret won't help, I'm looking for a solution in my current situation...

 

My bf and I are both in our mid/late 20's. We've known eachother for 5-6 years but never pursued anything due to living long distance (about 265miles.) My parents liked him, so they offered to let us save money and live in their pool house COST FREE. So the whole thing was a bit rushed, not smart, I know I know, but there was no other way except to be in a long distance relationship, and I'm not for that.

 

Well, the first month was awful, he took it extremely hard because it was such a big change for him, new city, new job, far from his friends and sister, so I totally understood. He would complain constantly about how much Los Angeles sucks, the people suck, the roads, how much better his hometown is etc etc. That month became 6 months. He had been cold, withdrawn, unhelpful, very ungrateful and basically just absent. It felt more lonely than being single. I still tried to be understanding... 6 months became a year, and I told him this isn't working for me. I need someone who is present and wants a relationship, and it seems like I'm holding him hostage here or something... The waterworks started and he begged and pleaded, said he would stop being self centered and be present. It was hard to believe because he would leave a mess behind for me to always clean in the entire place and is a depressed person who does nothing but complain. I told him he seems miserable, which drains me completely, and he doesn't have to lie to himself. He still would not accept it, and so I went away for the weekend at my brother's house to have some space. When I returned, he became extremely needy and paranoid. I gave him a chance, and though he had improved, most of it fizzled out and he withdrew again. He's also a hypochondriac, and a bad one. One mole he had on his back sent him into a frenzy, constantly googling diseases and making doc appointments, paranoid as can be, which further dragged him into his self centered bubble. He'd leave more messes for me to clean up once again, and was depressed and complaining... I told him that's it, I've had it, this is just not working and he needs to go back to his hometown where he was happier.

 

Ofcourse, the tears started and the begging and pleading. Then he promised once again he would be more present and he's sorry etc etc. That's where I am now, and at this point, over a year has passed and my feelings have slowly fizzled out. I don't want to be in a relationship at all anymore at this point. He guilts me most with saying he'll basically be "homeless" if I break up with him because he has very little in his savings, and nobody to move in with back in his hometown. This puts me in a very horrible situation, because I have too much empathy and his guilting works, even if it's manipulation. I don't have the heart to throw him out on his ear, but is that the only way? I even have thought about helping to pay for his move just to get it out of my hair. But having to be around him crying and all during the process is what scares me... What should I do?

[ThatwasThen]

You should maybe call his sister and tell her everything that's been going on and that you and your parents want him out of the pool house by the end of the month. See what she has to say and if she's unhelpful then you'll just have to be strong and move him out and let him grow the hell up on his own. You shouldn't have to stay with someone just because they manipulate you into feeling guilty and responsible for them. He's a grown man... time he learned how to act like one.

[boltnrun]

I presume this guy has a job. So, with a job and not having to pay rent, he should easily have been able to save money for a move. His sister can take him in until he gets a new job. Or, perhaps his current job can work a transfer for him.

 

Again, I presume he's working. He is...correct?

 

Just read your previous post.

 

So, he's still throwing fits when he doesn't get his way...tantrums, tears, begging and pleading. You know for a fact it's an act and yet you still feel bad? Trust me, he'll find someone else to manipulate once you get him out of there. You do know he isn't doing all this because he just loves you so gosh-darned much, right?

[melancholy123]

ThatWasThen is right. He needs to be told he has to move, get his sister to help out, and then get him gone. You need your Big Girl Panties on so you dont let him manipulate you, which is what he's been doing. Get your parents to help you tell him he has to leave. If you have to throw in some money to get him gone, it'd be worth it. Be strong when he whines and cries, it's all a tactic to get you to let him stay and continue his childish ways.

[minamimisha]

I presume this guy has a job. So, with a job and not having to pay rent, he should easily have been able to save money for a move. His sister can take him in until he gets a new job. Or, perhaps his current job can work a transfer for him.

 

Again, I presume he's working. He is...correct?

 

Just read your previous post.

 

So, he's still throwing fits when he doesn't get his way...tantrums, tears, begging and pleading. You know for a fact it's an act and yet you still feel bad? Trust me, he'll find someone else to manipulate once you get him out of there. You do know he isn't doing all this because he just loves you so gosh-darned much, right?

 

Yes, he has a job that's well paying, but has been saving up for a car, so he has no extra money. Him having a car (soon) will help move things along... His sister has no money and bad credit, she's in her early 20's and lives at a friend's house, barely getting by. I always told him they should move in together and he says he can't afford a deposit and all the living costs. Whatever, I'd pay some. You're right, I know it's an act, I know I shouldn't feel bad, and my parents are willing to help... I don't know why his reaction freaks me out and I can't just nip it in the bud.

[boltnrun]

He's been saving for a car for over a year and doesn't have any "extra" money? What kind of car is he planning to buy, a Maserati???

 

His reaction freaks you out because you're co-dependent. You take on responsibility for his emotions. You think it's your job to keep him smiling and happy and if he gets upset you KNOW it's YOUR fault.

 

Except...none of that is true. He's a grown up, it's HIS job to do what keeps him happy, not yours.

 

Let him take some of the car money and pay for a new place. It's not, repeat, NOT your job to provide free shelter for him forever.

[Rustysuit]

Where can I find these girls with extra houses where I can live for free with someone I love?

 

Damn dude doesn't know how lucky he is. As for the crying and manipulating, that's your fault. You need to be stronger than that. I wouldn't even be alone with him in the first place ever again.