Too many weddings and babies and I m nowhere

[lolita]

Hi everyone

 

I don't even know how to start but I m feeling depressed. I m in my mid 30's and never had a kid or got married. I had few serious relationships that didn't lead anywhere meanwhile my friends one by one would find their life partner .

I was handling it not too bad until the last few months, it did really hit me ! To the point I feel really hurt whenever I see baby pic or wedding or family reunion.

I m now in a serious relationship for the last past 5 months and maybe that's why I feel that way too. I feel like my relationship is so slow. It's not like I want to rush anything but my boyfriend really leaves me full of confusion.

 

I told him I love him four month into the relation and he mumbled/whispered back something love you too in a confused way. I ve never once told him again and he has never tried to tell me he loves me either. So now I m even wondering if he does ! Wouldn't a guy know how he feels 5 months into a relationship ?

 

In June he met my parents and I spent 2 consecutive weekends with his family.

I think they pretty much like me. Although being with them increased my anxiety and made me more sad. 1 of his younger brother is married with a new born.

The other young brother is about to get married. And here we are the oldest and nowhere even near that.

 

If at least he would tell me that he loves me. We also only see each other once a week or sometimes a full weekend but I feel it's not enough to build a stronger bound! I have expressed this to him many times and I m the one always begging to meet. When we r tgt he really treats me like a priority and like a princess tho. But then I m sad that he doesn't feel the need to see me more often although we daily text/call each other.

 

So where do I stand with him? He introduce me to his family and invited me to his brother wedding where I ll be meeting more of members of his family. But at the same time he doesn't seem in love and not ready to see me more ...

[LaHermes]

You probably know the answer yourself, Lolita.

 

" But at the same time he doesn't seem in love and not ready to see me more ..."

 

Meantime, do not compare yourself to others or to their situation.

 

This does not sound good:

 

"I m the one always begging to meet. "

 

He isn't that keen, OP. Call it a day.

[Jibralta]

It's very early in the relationship. At this point, it's hard to make a determination either way. You are in a tough position because you need probably a year to really get a sense of a person, but you also can't afford to waste too much time. So, I guess I'd approach it like that. First, talk to him about your priorities. If he's on the same page, give him a few more months. But don't waste more time than that. Keep your wits about you.

[lolita]

Thanks guys. I just feel so down it's awful as you said jibralta I m kinda stuck into needing more time to let him think whether he loves me or not and moving on before I get hurt and disappointed that this is going nowhere .

[Mimiconfuzzled]

Must be in the air; a lot of this feeling going around.

It's still early in your relationship. However it's still early enough to trust your gut instincts without feeling super invested in, say, a 2-4 year relationship. Be patient.

[abitbroken]

You only dating for 5 months. you are just getting to know this guy. Don't let wedding and baby fever get to you. Stopping begging to meet him. Back off and let him ask you out. At 5 months, we saw eachother once a week because he was doing a lot of overtime, then we went towards one extended time a week (afternoon into late evening) and met for lunch or a quicker meet in addition, and then we saw eachother most of the weekend, etc. So back off because he can't ask you out on a date if you are always begging him to see you, right? Slooow down

[Jibralta]

I m kinda stuck into needing more time to let him think whether he loves me

 

What do you think about him?

 

Here's a third constraint: be careful not to settle just so you can meet a deadline!

[lolita]

Hey everyone thank you for the nice messages and support.

 

Mimiconfuzzled I have read your story and I can totally relate to how you must be feeling.

I m also broke, I do have a job which I totally hate ( no other options than to stick to it for now) the job pays so little that I had to move out of the city and I can barely pay the rent every month. I try to never talk about this with my boyfriend because I don't want him to feel I chose him for him to save me from my current situation or anything.

 

Jibralta

 

I genuinely love my boyfriend, We spoke for months before actually dating one another. So we really had chosen to be together. I was never really thinking about kids and mariage until recently.

 

I m probably gonna give it a try still until end of the Summer see if we manage to see each other a little more and him asking to meet me. Although he is the one calling me everyday. He does some effort sometimes too.

Maybe the wedding of his brother in August will help for him to be sure of his feelings for me . I would really want him to be the one

[clairenphil]

I feel your upset, I'm 38 and recently started to feel down about being unmarried and childless watching people almost half my age getting all these things. One thing that had helped me is to really explore and understand why these things are important to me. Often we get hung up on marriage and babies because society says that women must want these things, but if that's the only reason to do it, it's a rubbish reason! Think about why you want these things and in the process you may well find out more about yourself, which will help you find the perfect person for you. Work on your own mentality and don't worry about you partner, it's possible your intensity is putting him off, he may not be ready for those things yet. Perhaps an honest conversation about what you both want out of your relationship?

[abitbroken]

You have plenty of time to meet someone and adopt or have a child of your own if this doesn't turn out. Does your boyfriend know that you are marriage minded (its on your profile, etc, or did you talk very early about what your relationship goals were - before you were dating exclusively?) If you are with a guy who wants those things too but its a matter of taking time to find out if its with you or the relationship is just to new, that's one thing. If you have a guy who has been very upfront that he doesnt' want that -- then no amount of more time spent with him will matter.

 

Also, i encourage you to find happiness - whether switching jobs, taking training that will get you a better position, etc, so you are happy no matter what

[Jibralta]

One thing that had helped me is to really explore and understand why these things are important to me. Often we get hung up on marriage and babies because society says that women must want these things, but if that's the only reason to do it, it's a rubbish reason!

 

I agree! When I was about 34, I realized that I wasn't making plans to have children. I'd always assumed that I was going to get married and have children. But here I was, 34, and it was still last on my list. I realized that I'd never asked myself if I wanted to be a mother. And the truth was, I didn't! Once I realized that, I spent a few months wondering if it was ok. I finally came to the conclusion that the only reasons I would have children would be 1) to have someone take care of me when I am old, and 2) so that I didn't regret not having them when I was old. I thought those were the sh*ttiest reasons to have a kid, ever. So, no kids for me.

 

Anyway, lolita, I don't want to suggest that you don't actually want kids. But I do agree with clairenphil's suggestion that you question your strong need to have children. You may discover something interesting.