His Divorce is coming between us

[Hope73]

I'm desperately in need of some helpful advice, as Ive reached rock bottom .

 

I've been in a relationship with a man for ten months. Who is currently going through a divorce. He separated from his wife three years ago, but they still have not been able to reach a compromise on marital assets, so consequently things are still in limbo. I believe that the hold up in divorce proceedings were also related to my partner struggling with severe depression .But he has now moved on from that place, and is trying to rebuild his life.

 

When I first met my partner, I never expected things to be going on for as long as they have regarding his divorce , everything appears to be happening at a snails pace.

 

My partner feels an awful lot of guilt towards his 13 year old son, and has tried to keep things as normal as possible for him ,by continuing to pay all the household bills, £600 maintenance monthly and the mortgage repayments. However he has now seized paying the household bills.

 

Things have become so problematic, that himself and his wife have now gone to mediation, but still don't seem to be able to find a compromise.

 

Whether or not you can understand this at all, but the stress that his divorce is causing has taken a huge Tull on our relationship, especially as I feel he's being walked all over by his wife, who consequently wants to stay in the marital home, which will not enable him to take any kind of percentage of assets until his son finishes full time education. I feel very sorry for him, as I know that this will make starting again very difficult. I'm currently in a small two bedroom rented accommodation, and so it was our plan to hopefully buy something a little bigger eventually. However ,the way things are going this is looking very unlikely.

 

My partner is falling apart at the Seams, and coping with his very demanding job, and a never ending divorce is really taking its Tull. I really do not know what to do, as Ive tried to support him, but I seem to just make things worse. Sadly all we seem to do is argue these days, and it makes me terribly sad , as I just want to get back on track. I've become run down, and feel constantly stressed. I've got to the point of just not knowing which way to turn, therefore I'm desperately seeking some help or advice on resolving things once and for all.

[Starlight925]

OK, you are going to receive a lot of the following comment here: You should not have gotten involved with someone who was not fully divorced. Which I agree with.

 

That being said, you are in it now, with feelings. So, what to do?

 

First of all, it sounds like his wife (not his ex, as they are still legally married) is extremely upset that he has a new GF, and that you don't seem to be going anywhere. So she is taking out her frustrations on him, dragging out this divorce, making him hurt as much as possible. As hard as this is to accept, it's her way of coping, and unfortunately.....she won't stop. This will get worse, I can assure you. Ask me how I know.

 

Secondly, what to do now? As painful as this is, I say to let him go. Tell him how much you love him, and how much this hurts you, but that for his sake, his child's sake, and the sake of him dissolving this marriage as sanely as possible, that you will say goodbye, and....mean it. His wife will then see that you have moved out of the picture, and although it may take some time, she will hopefully ease up on the sanctions and help smooth the transition through the divorce process. If not, then you will have saved yourself years more hurt.

 

And also, tell him this: that the door will be open for him to contact you, once the divorce is final, and not a moment before then. However, you should also add that you will be moving on with your life, and that yes, you will probably date others (and you should!) and that you will not be keeping tabs on him in the meantime, should he decide to date (which he shouldn't, until this is final).

 

I wish you luck and peace with this, as I know this hurts. And for future reference.....do not ever date a person who is not fully divorced. Ever.

 

I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, but I've been there.

[rosephase]

Why are you fighting all the time? What does the support you try to give him look like?

 

It sounds like a stressful time, life is full of stressful times. How you and your partner handle stress together and apart is fudmentaly important for a relationship to work. How do you feel like you two are handling it? Is this how you want to deal with the tough stuff of life? Do you help each other out? Do you relax and release together? Or are you adding stress to each other?

[Hope73]

Thank you both for your response. I take on board what the lady above is saying, but I would like to add that I'm in no way responsible for the separation between my partner and his wife. We met years afterwards. Apart from this messy divorce, our relationship is generally good, although the friction caused by the settlement is taking its Tull , and is making waves. I agree that getting involved with a person who is going through a divorce isnt ideal, but nothing about love and relationships are ever straight forward. I know that if we can somehow overcome this, then we will stand as good as chance as any in making it work... I'm just not sure that walking away is an option!.

[abitbroken]

Its almost laughable to say "my boyfriend's pending divorce is a problem". He is a married man and you should walk away to let him figure out things with his wife. His child *IS* the most important person right now - he cannot make the best decisions for his child - for his role as a father whether its to fully coparent or its the part time absent dad role - when he has to be concerned about how you feel about all this. In fact, his wife could be dragging things out knowing he has a girlfriend or he may be choosing the role of absent part time dad because he feels that would make YOU happy when what he should be doing is different. Walk away. Let this shake out. See where it falls. Do NOT blame his wife - it takes two to tango. It may be that she gets to stay in the home if she has custody of the son so that the son may finish school in the neighborhood he is accustomed to and stays in the same school. That is not unreasonable. If you think that he can sell the house out from under them to buy a big love nest with you - think again.

 

You say you can't believe its went on that long - well people lie and can make you think they will be divorced next week but in reality you have to keep your wits about you.

[rosephase]

Thank you both for your response. I take on board what the lady above is saying, but I would like to add that I'm in no way responsible for the separation between my partner and his wife. We met years afterwards. Apart from this messy divorce, our relationship is generally good, although the friction caused by the settlement is taking its Tull , and is making waves. I agree that getting involved with a person who is going through a divorce isnt ideal, but nothing about love and relationships are ever straight forward. I know that if we can somehow overcome this, then we will stand as good as chance as any in making it work... I'm just not sure that walking away is an option!.

 

Why is their friction about the settlement? What is your conflict about?

[Starlight925]

I take on board what the lady above is saying, but I would like to add that I'm in no way responsible for the separation between my partner and his wife.

 

When did I say that you were responsible for the separation? I think you need to re-read what I wrote.

 

What I said was, and I quote: "it sounds like his wife (not his ex, as they are still legally married) is extremely upset that he has a new GF".

 

Please be clear before you put words in someone's mouth.

 

Having said that: She is his WIFE. You are his GIRLFRIEND. Get that.

[abitbroken]

but nothing about love and relationships are ever straight forward.

 

That is when your head overrules your genitals or your emotions. When you meet someone that you find out is actually not 18 yet even though their looks are deceiving, when you meet someone who is telling you that they need $1,000 from you on the first date, when you meet someone who has 6 that only have a three year age range and are with that many mothers....or when someone is married....your head should kick in. You walk swiftly away from the minor and the scammer, and you tell the separated man that maybe your paths will cross again when their divorce is final. For your own sake. particularly when a kid is involved and its contentious.

 

Also, don't be too sure after the divorce is final that he'll want to jump in deep with you. Some guys put a stop on things after an official divorce. It was cool to have a warm body/activity partner but now that they can actually remarry, its too scary.

[Hope73]

First of all , I don't think there is any need for rudeness. You are obviously speaking as someone who has had a bad experience,and if this is the case then I am truly sorry.

 

Secondly, I have never ever tried to come between my partner and his son, in fact I try to encourage and support his relationship with him.. But as his partner, I am concerned with my boyfriends welfare, and obvously want things to be agreed in the fairest possible way.

 

I am well aware that it takes two to make or break a relationship, and I'm old enough to understand that there is always faults on both sides, but when a relationship breaks down, and when their doesn't appear to be any chance of a reconciliation , then what's the alternative!!.. As I said, I am NOT" responsible for my partners breakup, so please don't take your bitterness out on me, i am only seeking HELPFUL "advice, I've not come on this forum seeking a fight!!!!...

 

Lastly, I'm not looking to buy a LARGE love nest as you so crudely put it, I am an independent woman , who has supported myself and my daughter for many years before I met my partner. Having said that, I would like the opportunity to set up home together at some stage down the road.

[Starlight925]

Do you know what , you can all go and screw yourselves , you're obcously bitter and twisted people who have been on the receiving end of being dumped or screwed over in some way.

 

You are 100% right, Hope. I've been on the receiving end of this. Which is why I'm giving you the advice I'm giving. If you don't want advice, don't come to an advice board.

[HeartGoesOn]

Thread closed.