I'm losing my sanity over my personal love life

[perplexed135]

Became a widow almost 6 years ago. Had a great marriage and always pictured myself with my late husband until we were really old. However, there was another plan and ever since I can't seem to make a final decision when it affects my personal life - it's like I lost all of my confidence in my judgment.

 

I have been seeing someone for 4 years and we have been on and off (due to me walking away). Long story short - I don't trust his personal judgment and credibility all the time - he says what I want to hear instead of the truth many times. However, he is very loving and we have very good chemistry and I do love him. But---he is in a difficult financial situation - unemployed but may get a job soon; but that job won't pay much....he has no savings or anything else and he is 63 and I'm 57 years old. I am a professional with a very good income and fairly sizable assets - however, I'll need those funds to support myself and help my 2 kids as well.

 

Every time I'm ready to break up for good - i stop short of that and the few times I did actually break it off, we ended up reconciling within a month or so. It's like my heart is saying one thing and my head another since I know he is a potential monetary liability for sure and I suppose i'm not convinced he wants me for what I have and not just who I am.

 

Now he wants to marry me as soon as he gets a job, including the one which which doesn't pay much and he keeps on saying how happy he is that his life is going so well. But I am so depressed!!!

 

I just want to be settled with a partner already move forward with the rest of my life, but I want to know that it is with the right partner and recognize no one is perfect, including me.

 

Help please.

[Jibralta]

I think you should listen to your head. He has employment problems, money problems, he uses bad judgment, and he is not credible. Chemistry is not enough.

[nutbrownhare]

Many people make silly mistakes when they're young, and learn by them. Your guy is 63, and you can be fairly certain he isn't going to change.

 

You know that if you do marry him, you'll be taking on someone who is not only clueless but will also have a claim on your assets and income - potentially to the detriment of not only yourself but your children. Of course he's happy! Like a teenager who can rely on the bank of Mum & Dad, he is now absolved of all the unwise decisions he's made in his life - and is looking forward to having even more of a claim on you. He'll be reaping the rewards of a lifetime of hard work and prudent investment... it's just that it'll be yours rather than his own.

 

I'm not surprised you're depressed. DO NOT marry this guy. It's very important that we accept the reality of who our partners are, and make our judgments accordingly; not labelling them as good or bad, but just looking at how our personalities interlock. He may be a lovely and entertaining boyfriend, in which case keep the relationship at a level in which these are the most significant factors. However, marriage is a legal and financial contract as well as an emotional one... and just as you wouldn't pledge your heart to a serial philanderer or child abuser (I hope!), don't consider handing over your financial assets to someone like this.

[DancingFool]

"he says what I want to hear instead of the truth many times."

 

This is why you need to leave him. Once you know that someone will be deceitful toward you, you don't know just how far they might go with that and you cannot count on any ideas that this person has limits. You might find out the hard way that they don't.

 

If it was just money, I'd say that you should weigh that against the benefits of the relationship. However, given the above, don't mess up the remainder of your life and don't be so fixated on having your image of growing old with someone. First of all, your desire will turn to nightmare when you are dealing with someone like that anyway. Second, plenty of other men out there who actually have integrity. Seek and you shall find and then your dream of growing old with someone nice by your side will become reality.

[nutbrownhare]

he says what I want to hear instead of the truth many times

 

Ooh, crikey! I missed this bit for some reason when I first read your post. Please add to my earlier comment about "Of course he's happy!" that he's actually lying his way into this desirable situation, too. Agree with DancingFool.

 

57 isn't old. There are many, many opportunities out there if you want to find a life partner; you really shouldn't be settling for this loser, charming and engaging as he may be. He is a (very nice) predator, but a predator nonetheless. On some level you already recognise this... healthy, balanced relationships don't make you feel depressed.

[DancingFool]

... healthy, balanced relationships don't make you feel depressed.

 

^Amen to that.

[Esglee]

I don't blame you. Do not marry this guy. I am sorry, but, you are only 57 and sound like he is the last man on this earth.

Yea, I bet his happy....his got a younger woman with money.

What do you have?

[Starlight925]

I'm a 55 year-old divorced woman, so I can completely empathize with your situation. At our age, it's so nice to meet someone that we finally feel we can have chemistry with, enjoy doing things with, and a partner....rather than looking at the back half of our lives alone.

 

That being said, this is not the only late 50's/early 60's guy out there. Not sure how you met, but if you were to look at online dating sites, or go to meetup groups, etc., you'll find loads of available men in this age range. Many are divorced or, like you, widowed. And many have their financial sh*t together.

 

I'm like you: I've spent years being financially responsible; ain't nobody gonna come in and mess that up.

 

You like him. I get it. But he's saying what you want to hear, and you know it's a lie. So, from a feelings standpoint, he's hitting all the right buttons. But you sound like a smart gal, so your gut is telling you something is off.

 

Here are your options:

1) Say goodbye to him and join groups, church, online dating, whatever, just to get out there and try to meet someone new.

2) Tell him you're fed up with his lies, and the next lie will be the last one....and mean it.

3) Stay with him, either moving in or getting married, but.....here is the big BUT: get an ironclad prenup. And an ironclad legal agreement that from the day he moves in, your finances are separate. Include future items that are purchased, income that comes in, etc. Be extremely specific. FIND A GREAT LAWYER.

[kamurj]

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