Don't know if I should end things or maybe it's not a big deal

[Larissa Grand]

So I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 years. We recently moved in, it's been like 9 months. I love him dearly but I feel like there's a lot of things that I'm not okay with.

1. He's messy. We live in a 2,500 sq ft house and cleaning it by myself is such a pain. I do both our laundry, mop, sweep, clean dishes, etc. he always thanks me when he notices me cleaning but he never does it himself.

2. We both have super busy lives and we literally come home to sleep. When it comes to the weekend he never asks me if I wanna do something. He invites his family over and they are almost always here ALL DAY. They're nice people but I just get tired of seeing them and I wish I could just go on a date with him or for us to enjoy each other and have a day alone.

3. We dont have much intercourse. If it were up to me it would be every night or every other night. Usually it's once a week or maybe once a week in a half. It bothered me at first but I've gotten used to it now.

4. This Monday was my birthday and we didn't do anything because we were both busy. He said we would celebrate this weekend, but he asked his family if they would want to come over tomorrow, which is Saturday. They said they were busy so then he asked me "what do you wanna do tomorrow?". I don't know if I'm being unfair but I feel like it should come out of his heart to take me to dinner. I think it's pointless if I tell him I want him to take me to dinner for my birthday.

5. I found out he was talking to his ex about a year ago. (We have been together 3 years) he claims he was just helping her out because she was on drugs and needed help. The girl was in rehab and I found emails of him messaging the mom on the daily asking how she was and her progress. He also went over to their house to get some stuff "she had of their relationship" while she was in rehab.

 

 

I don't know if these are little things I should let go or if I should look at the bigger picture. I do know I love him. I just feel like the relationship could be better. And I honestly don't know if he cares about me the way I care about him. I don't know if I'm being unfair

[Hollyj]

They are big things if you want to stay together.

 

Have you told him that these things bother you???

[Larissa Grand]

They are big things if you want to stay together.

 

Have you told him that these things bother you???

 

He knows how I feel about everything I mentioned. Last week I barely told him that I get tired of seeing his family twice a week. I told him I don't care if they come over once a week but that it's tiring seeing them all weekend. His reply was that he would just go over to their house if I didn't want them here. Which made me feel bad because I don't want to be selfish.

The one thing I haven't talked about is the sex. I don't want to offend him if I tell he is not fulfilling me sexually. I don't know how to bring it up...

[melancholy123]

There should be a fairly equal division of labour in the house. A chore chart, if necessary, that spells out who does what - laundry, dishes, mopping floors etc. If you dont want to do that then you should be telling him he needs to help and either assign him a task or ask him what he will do to help out. You should not do it all yourself.

 

As for his family, there needs to be some sort of arrangement where they come over every other weekend or even less if he'd go for that. Every single weekend is too much no matter how much you may like them.

 

Romance - that requires a serious heart to heart talk. Dont accuse, dont yell, but tell him what you need.

 

I think a lot of these issues could be resolved with better communication.

[Andrina]

How about some communication and division of duties? I'd say: We're both busy and we need to divide the chores. Which chores do you hate less than the others, or do you want to change them up weekly? Perhaps you can each do your own laundry. If one person cooks, the other has to do the dishes. Come up with an arrangement you're both happy with. Do you equally initiate sex or is it one sided? Tell him your needs and see if he's compatible with you in that area. As far as inviting his family over, tell him you two are now a team and need to run stuff like this by each other. Men aren't mind readers. Tell him it would make you feel special if he planned something for your birthday instead of you deciding what to do.

 

You teach people how to treat you. If your requests are reasonable, and he cares, he will want to please you. If he is self-centered and doesn't care, he won't change for the better and it's time to move out and move on. Take care.

[4dvz]

So I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 years. We recently moved in, it's been like 9 months. I love him dearly but I feel like there's a lot of things that I'm not okay with.

1. He's messy. We live in a 2,500 sq ft house and cleaning it by myself is such a pain. I do both our laundry, mop, sweep, clean dishes, etc. he always thanks me when he notices me cleaning but he never does it himself.

2. We both have super busy lives and we literally come home to sleep. When it comes to the weekend he never asks me if I wanna do something. He invites his family over and they are almost always here ALL DAY. They're nice people but I just get tired of seeing them and I wish I could just go on a date with him or for us to enjoy each other and have a day alone.

3. We dont have much intercourse. If it were up to me it would be every night or every other night. Usually it's once a week or maybe once a week in a half. It bothered me at first but I've gotten used to it now.

4. This Monday was my birthday and we didn't do anything because we were both busy. He said we would celebrate this weekend, but he asked his family if they would want to come over tomorrow, which is Saturday. They said they were busy so then he asked me "what do you wanna do tomorrow?". I don't know if I'm being unfair but I feel like it should come out of his heart to take me to dinner. I think it's pointless if I tell him I want him to take me to dinner for my birthday.

5. I found out he was talking to his ex about a year ago. (We have been together 3 years) he claims he was just helping her out because she was on drugs and needed help. The girl was in rehab and I found emails of him messaging the mom on the daily asking how she was and her progress. He also went over to their house to get some stuff "she had of their relationship" while she was in rehab.

 

 

I don't know if these are little things I should let go or if I should look at the bigger picture. I do know I love him. I just feel like the relationship could be better. And I honestly don't know if he cares about me the way I care about him. I don't know if I'm being unfair

 

 

1. My post on this one comes from a naturally messy guy (Me), usually living a pretty busy life also. Most of my life I have respected my home as a mental sanctuary, a place where I don`t have to force myself into anything I don`t feel necessary. When I came home, I only felt need to clean after the place really needed cleaning. I have lived with a few women who felt the same as you do, and they felt angry for me about it because they always felt like they have to do everything themselfes. The truth is, I would had cleaned myself at the point where I felt it was necessary and did it occasionally if something bothered me. They just had way higher standards than I did and ended up doing most of the cleaning before I was bothered, because cleaning just to please someone else in your mental sanctuay is quite a chore, you need to somewhat feel obligated to do it, there has to be a clear personal reason. I just recently moved in with a woman who demanded me to change my standards before we moved in together, and I made a promise for her to live by her standards of cleaning. These days I also do cleaning, because she thanks me every time I do it, and we both know it`s for her. It took me 30 years into my life to learn this. Our house is way smaller than yours though.. I would never move into a house of that size without using a cleaning company, and I can only wonder how on earth you find time to clean it. Maybe you should completely stop cleaning for a few weeks just to see if he starts doing something himself?

 

2. 3. 4: These all fall into a same category the way I see it, except in number 3 you need to ask yourself also have you taken any steps to increase the amount of intercourse you share. You don`t mention in any of these sections that you would have actually had a proper deep down discussion with him about the things that bother you. If you have, and he is not ready to make adjustments for you, then you could say you have a problem. If you have not as it seems, i would suggest you think about what would make you happy, and also what would be fair for him, and ask him to sit down with you to talk about them. If he gets offended by such discussion, that`s also a problem imo. You should always be able to express the things you are not happy with, no matter how big or small they are.

I totally agree with you that you should be somewhat hurt if you feel like he didn`t want to properly treat you on your birthday, this should as you say come out from the heart. You should also be able to talk about this with him also, but maybe think about dividing the topics into separate discussions so that there isn`t too much stuff coming at him at the same time, and you could concentrate on the separate issues better.

 

5. What made me really relate to your post was this section. I have an long-ago ex girlfriend who was (I Hope was, but I don`t know anymore) both addicted to drugs, and also suicidal. During the time I had been 3-4 months with my current girlfriend, The love of my life, she contacted me and told me about her situation. She needed a close friend to talk with her, and listen to her. In my heart there was not a single doubt in my mind that I had only one right option here. I explained the situation to my current girlfriend, and she didn`t of course like the fact that I was gonna be seeing my ex-girlfriend, and also be in touch with her in the future, but I was completely open and honest with her, and she understood. I also explained the situation to my ex-girlfriend, that I can`t see her too often in helping her out because I`m in a relationship. If my current girlfriend had denied me the opportunity to help someone I was once with and who is going through so much and doesn`t rly have anyone close enough to talk with, I wouldn`t had regarder her as high as I do these days. She understood that it was necessary for me to help my ex there.

 

 

Also, your thread title says you are thinking about "ending things".

 

None of these issues are something you would leave your loved one for, in my opinion. You should also consider if you truly love him, if you get that kind of thoughts here. The fact you feel that way can of course also include other stuff that is not expressed well enough in your post, which makes me wonder if there are more issues you share. Also, if you have been unable to communicate the way you feel for longer period of time, you might feel really frustrated just holding everything within yourself. But once again if you communicate everything you feel to him, and he is not willing to participate in improving your general experience of the relationship, then letting go of him sounds like a viable option because then the relationship no longer sounds like a sustainable without you both wanting the best possible for each other. If he truly loves you, he will listen and make adjustments.

[tigerkitten]

What surprises me a bit is that you're taking up this discussing in this forum, rather than talking with him in person?! When something bothers you - it bothers you - and it doesn't matter if it would bother someone else. And HE is the one being messy, right? So ... I would suggest you talk with him about what bugs you, and why (and you may offer him the same freedom - to let you know if he feels bothered). You could discuss getting a maid and splitting that bill, and making a date once/week. TALK with him. That's true love - mastering problems together.