I'd Appreciate some Thoughts [Breakup + Want to Reconcile]

[valavoo]

Hello lovely people!

 

Please be kind.

I've told this story so many times to so many people. I'm exhausted, but I am still feeling lost.

 

Call me Valerie. I won't put my real name here because I don't want my ex to find this [that would be awkward, wouldn't it, ha!]

 

In any case, I'll make this as streamlined as possible.

 

I was with him for five years, four of which are long distance. Relationship was wonderful aside from normal relationship issues which were magnified by distance. We spent like 80% of our time together when we weren't busy with classes and our friends at our respective institutions. For a while, it was great. Things changed second semester of this past school year.

 

About a month before we broke up, we had an argument over time spent with his friends versus time spent with me. He was starting to want to go out with his friends more and frankly, I feel that I did not handle it well and he did not communicate these changes in his desires well. At the same time, we were both EXTREMELY stressed out from the end of the college semester taking its toll (I was facing immense pressure from upcoming graduation and entering grad school) and everything just...piled up. I fully admit that I was not acting myself.

 

One night about 1 month before I graduated, we had a pretty large argument because we'd set aside a day to hang out but he was invited somewhere with friends and I felt that he shouldn't break his promise to hang out with me because I felt that meant he didn't care, and he said that it didn't mean that he didn't care and that we could reschedule. That night, he attempted to break up with me saying that he couldn't do it anymore and he couldn't be what I needed in a relationship, but I convinced him to try until I graduated because while I saw his reasons, I thought that we should wait until the stress died down to talk about it. However, a few days in, I felt nervous and pushed us to talk about it like three days later. He said a number of things including the fact that he felt like we weren't growing in the same direction anymore (citing that I knew what I wanted to do with my life but he didn't), that he was scared long distance would break us, that he hadn't been quite as happy in the relationship for the past month, that he loved me but thought that this was for the best. Afterward, he made a pretty decent effort to be friends but it really freaking hurt because he said he wasn't sure when or if he'd want to come back to the relationship, despite loving me.

 

After another week or so of back and forth, I finally accepted the breakup and told him that I would not be able to be his friend for a little while, but that I wasn't closing the door to him. So....we didn't speak for a month save for once when he messaged me something he thought I might want to see. After that, I decided to try to get back in touch with him, so I sent him a similar link and we got to talking and he said he was happy to hear from me and was glad I was doing alright ( L O L well at least it outwardly looked like that!). A few days later, I tried to just say hey let's catch up, but he stated that he was busy and never got back to me (though he was totally fine to like/share something I'd posted on FB ?_?). So I've gone back to keeping my distance. Perhaps I came back to early, perhaps I shouldn't have done no contact in the first place.

 

TL I will fully admit that I am devastated not to be with him. It's less about me not feeling like I can be a person at all without him, but that I miss him in my life romantically. I miss him, not 'a boyfriend'. I think that the issues that caused the breakup can be worked through, and I am currently working on my part and trying to live life regardless.

 

THOUGHTS -

 

1. At this point, to control myself, I've deleted his number, unfollowed him on Instagram and another site we both share, and forced myself to stop checking his Facebook page.

 

2. Something that has been hard from me is that he has not yet removed me from his profile picture on various social media sites, and is actively "liking", my uploads though that has decreased a little recently. That, and one of our mutuals told me that his feelings toward me hadn't changed.

 

3. I'm feeling very confused and overwhelmed because like half the internet preaches "give up, move on" and the other half yells "have faith, you'll get another chance!". Even all the relationship blogs cite completely opposite statistics. It's maddening. I don't know who to listen to.

 

4. I even got a relationship coach to help me through this, but he said that not enough time has passed yet and this is a really slow process that could take months. I just feel like I'm running out of time somehow.

 

5. But at the same time he looks to be doing fine without me. Some of the things he used to do with me he now seems to be doing with his two best friends.

 

6. What I'm looking to do is only message sparingly throughout July, and perhaps try to sit down and talk about us in August? Especially to communicate the fact that I've worked on some of the things I think messed up our relationship. I don't know if that's the right decision either...

 

7. Also, he really isn't the jealous type. He would truly be happy for me if I started dating someone else, I think. And he seemed genuinely happy that he thought I was doing alright. I am not interested in playing mind games anyway. That isn't love.

 

That...was a lot longer than I intended. Sorry.

[rosephase]

What are the things you've been working on that you feel messed up the relationship?

 

Long distance relationships are really hard. And it sounds like you were asking him to put his in-person relationships on the back burner for you. That is a big ask. Basically you asked him to put you first (even if you weren't there) for all of his college.

[boltnrun]

My question to you is...what has HE been doing to try to regain the relationship?

 

If the answer is "nothing"...well, there's your answer right there.

[valavoo]

Hey friend. [responding to Rosephase].

 

I am working on self love and being okay spending time with myself.

And yes, admittedly so. For a while, he hadn't made a ton of friends, but when he switched schools and found people that he really clicked with. Oddly enough, I remember encouraging him to get out there and make more friends and figure out what his dreams were. But then somehow I didn't handle it as well when it actually happened. I remember him saying tat he felt that being in a relationship with me really helped him come out of his shell.

 

I kinda feel like I was there for him and we grew together but now that he's "grown" he doesn't need me in his life anymore. It's a ridiculous notion but it comes with the territory of heartbreak (the feeling of abandonment, that is)

[valavoo]

boltnun, ah, you must be of the 'give up, move on' crowd.

[mustlovedogs]

boltnun, ah, you must be of the 'give up, move on' crowd.

 

The question is valid though.

 

He has to want it to work, too.

[boltnrun]

boltnun, ah, you must be of the 'give up, move on' crowd.

 

No, I'm of the "ask for more information" crowd.

 

Do you not feel it's valid that both parties must want reconciliation for a reconciliation to happen?

[valavoo]

Of course it's valid. But sometimes, one person will have to put in a lil more work than they may want to get the other to open up.

Right now, we're not speaking. I have no idea what he's feeling, what he's been up to...haven't asked. Haven't brought up the relationship when we talked.

[mustlovedogs]

My thoughts are you can't possibly predict or understand his thoughts, so you need to be selfish and focus on healing. If he wants you, he will contact you. But focus on yourself. I know that's easier said than done.

 

And for the record, that's not a "give up" mentality. It's a very proactive, selfish, self preserving mentality.

[rosephase]

I kinda feel like I was there for him and we grew together but now that he's "grown" he doesn't need me in his life anymore. It's a ridiculous notion but it comes with the territory of heartbreak (the feeling of abandonment, that is)

 

I think it's much better to choose partners because you both *want* to be in each others lives. Not *need*. If someone needs you how do you ever know if they choose you or not?

 

He broke up with you. Not in the heat of the moment. He did it twice. He thought long and hard and made his choice. That kind of break up doesn't just get back together.

[boltnrun]

Of course it's valid. But sometimes, one person will have to put in a lil more work than they may want to get the other to open up.

Right now, we're not speaking. I have no idea what he's feeling, what he's been up to...haven't asked. Haven't brought up the relationship when we talked.

 

If you have to "get him to open up", well then the chances are probably minimal.

 

What do you think he wants to "open up" about? Did he say he's having trouble expressing his true feelings? Did he say or do something that leads you to believe he wants you back but just is reluctant to say so?

[Viewcart]

Stop contacting him, he needs time alone and space to miss you. Stop posting on social media for him to see what you're up to because social media gives people an illusion that they're still interacting with you. Just stop doing so much. Everything you do will cause your own demise.

 

Just trust the process. It may take month or years, but what is a few months compared to a life time? You're too anxious and decisions are not made logically. Enjoy the rollercoaster ride of emotions at this time.

[valavoo]

Stop contacting him, he needs time alone and space to miss you. Stop posting on social media for him to see what you're up to because social media gives people an illusion that they're still interacting with you. Just stop doing so much. Everything you do will cause your own demise.

 

Just trust the process. It may take month or years, but what is a few months compared to a life time? You're too anxious and decisions are not made logically. Enjoy the rollercoaster ride of emotions at this time.

 

There is literally nothing enjoyable about the roller coaster of emotions I'm feeling to be honest. I've been trying to control myself for these past couple of months and it hasn't gotten any better.

[valavoo]

My thoughts are you can't possibly predict or understand his thoughts, so you need to be selfish and focus on healing. If he wants you, he will contact you. But focus on yourself. I know that's easier said than done.

 

And for the record, that's not a "give up" mentality. It's a very proactive, selfish, self preserving mentality.

 

I dunno. That sounds pretty give up to me, but I've been trying to do just that.

[valavoo]

I think it's much better to choose partners because you both *want* to be in each others lives. Not *need*. If someone needs you how do you ever know if they choose you or not?

 

He broke up with you. Not in the heat of the moment. He did it twice. He thought long and hard and made his choice. That kind of break up doesn't just get back together.

 

I don't really thin that kind of blanket statement can be made, but whatever. I see nothing wrong with hoping and being willing to put in the work.

[mustlovedogs]

I dunno. That sounds pretty give up to me, but I've been trying to do just that.

 

Well, let's see what you would be giving up.

 

You would be giving up wasting anymore time waiting for a guy. You would give up spending your emotional energy hoping for something you may never have.

 

But you would be gaining yourself back.

[Viewcart]

There is literally nothing enjoyable about the roller coaster of emotions I'm feeling to be honest. I've been trying to control myself for these past couple of months and it hasn't gotten any better.

 

Of course the feeling sucks. No one said for you to control your emotions. Repressing your emotions will just make you act the way you are now. Feel and release these feelings by crying, letting it out at a friend you trust, or write. Be aware of your own body, don't release these emotions on your ex though. Unless you want him to run away forever.

 

I don't really thin that kind of blanket statement can be made, but whatever. I see nothing wrong with hoping and being willing to put in the work.

 

Again, you can hope all you want but don't make stupid actions. You came here for advice so take it, don't argue with us.

[valavoo]

Of course the feeling sucks. No one said for you to control your emotions. Repressing your emotions will just make you act the way you are now. Feel and release these feelings by crying, letting it out at a friend you trust, or write. Be aware of your own body, don't release these emotions on your ex though. Unless you want him to run away forever.

 

 

 

Again, you can hope all you want but don't make stupid actions. You came here for advice so take it, don't argue with us.

 

My apologies! Sorry to come off so combative. These emotions are so draining >_

 

I would never take out these emotions on my ex, and I have certainly done my share of crying and journaling and singing and blah. It's gotten exhausting at this point and I wish I could figure out how to hope and also not be sad at the same time.

[boltnrun]

One of my friends from work was in a long-distance relationship.

 

She went to school hundreds of miles away while her boyfriend went to college near their home. She of course was gone for four years. They both got completely involved in college activities; they both played sports, he coached kids, they joined clubs and participated in all kinds of things. None of that, however, had any impact on their commitment to one another. After graduation she accepted a job offer again hundreds of miles away from home. He finished school then joined her. Today, they are engaged to be married.

 

I tell you this to illustrate that long distance can work. And making friends and participating in school activities didn't mean either of them was less committed to the other. It's healthy to do so. However, the primary difference (and why this is a success story) is their total commitment to one another. BOTH of them were committed to making the relationship work. If one of them had backed out, they wouldn't be engaged today.

 

If your ex is giving you zero indication that reconciliation is even on his radar, then yes, moving on is your best (and really, only) option. However, if he's contacting you asking to see you, or when you two are back home he asks to spend time together (NOT "as friends"!), then yes, there is a chance. But if it's only you who's trying to reconcile it just isn't going to happen. Sorry.

[valavoo]

[quote=boltnrun;6844890

 

If your ex is giving you zero indication that reconciliation is even on his radar, then yes, moving on is your best (and really, only) option. However, if he's contacting you asking to see you, or when you two are back home he asks to spend time together (NOT "as friends"!), then yes, there is a chance. But if it's only you who's trying to reconcile it just isn't going to happen. Sorry.

 

^ I understand this perspective and will take it into account.

[Viewcart]

My apologies! Sorry to come off so combative. These emotions are so draining >_

 

I would never take out these emotions on my ex, and I have certainly done my share of crying and journaling and singing and blah. It's gotten exhausting at this point and I wish I could figure out how to hope and also not be sad at the same time.

 

I understand, i'm going through the same thing. Time heals everything. Just be patient. Reality is a tough pill to swallow but hope keeps us going.

 

LD is incredibily hard to maintain. Is there an end date in sight? Even if you get back together the relationship need to be stabilized by closing in on the distance otherwise it'll just end again.

[valavoo]

I understand, i'm going through the same thing. Time heals everything. Just be patient. Reality is a tough pill to swallow but hope keeps us going.

 

LD is incredibily hard to maintain. Is there an end date in sight? Even if you get back together the relationship need to be stabilized by closing in on the distance otherwise it'll just end again.

 

Again. Very sorry and thanks. Yes, there is an end. He is 1 year behind me in school, and I have a 1 year grad school program I'm attending. I was either going to move to where he was or he'd come be with me. Ugh I just feel that we have a pretty special connection that to me isn't worth losing.

[shessofly]

I think he is doing the kind and respectful thing by not contacting you when he doesn't want to reconcile. The person who left should be the one to return and ask to work on things. You going to him to show him how things can work if you do x,y,z is kind of an exercise in futility when you are talking to the person who doesn't have interest in reconciling, having been the one who ended the relationship in the first place. I think it will sting mightily if you go this route and get rejected again; he may pity you but that's not what you want right?

 

Right now he doesn't want to have to put effort into keeping his gf happy and choosing between you and his buddies; he wants to be free. You want to circumvent that, I don't think you will be successful.

 

I'm sure he cares about you but he is enjoying being single right now; a reasonable thing for a 'kid' in college. You should do the same.

[shessofly]

Ugh I just feel that we have a pretty special connection that to me isn't worth losing.

 

This is how you feel...he doesn't share that opinion or he would not have left

[valavoo]

Well, I guess I should have expected answers like these. Shouldn't have given myself false hope.