I'd Appreciate some Thoughts [Breakup + Want to Reconcile]

[Viewcart]

Again. Very sorry and thanks. Yes, there is an end. He is 1 year behind me in school, and I have a 1 year grad school program I'm attending. I was either going to move to where he was or he'd come be with me. Ugh I just feel that we have a pretty special connection that to me isn't worth losing.

 

I'm sure you did have a good connection. 4 years long distance is a long time and most people wouldn't be able to make that commitment.

 

Why do you feel so rushed to get back with him? Realistically speaking, after you graduate, the chances are probably in your favor for reconciliation if you don't screw no contact up. A year may seem like a long time but it really isn't. Use this time for your advantage to become a new person and rebuild attraction. He sounds like he still cares for you so no need to be anxious, his feelings are still there, but timing is bad.

 

Can I ask you about what the relationship coach recommended?

[valavoo]

I'm sure you did have a good connection. 4 years long distance is a long time and most people wouldn't be able to make that commitment.

 

Why do you feel so rushed to get back with him? Realistically speaking, after you graduate, the chances are probably in your favor for reconciliation if you don't screw no contact up. A year may seem like a long time but it really isn't. Use this time for your advantage to become a new person and rebuild attraction. He sounds like he still cares for you so no need to be anxious, his feelings are still there, but timing is bad.

 

Can I ask you about what the relationship coach recommended?

 

LMAO well, you'll be amused. Exactly what you're saying x3. Work on yourself, have faith that life will lead you to him if your connection was that good...remember that 2 months is not enough time to miss someone or even process the breakup fully. However, the difference is that he believes 'no contact' is actually not the way to go until someone wants to reach out. While several theories out there do point to getting "something from nothing", that is by no means the only way to go and in my specific situation (he asked me what happened so he could give me guidance properly) it would be best to, after nc, try to build up contact again.

 

He does care for me - very much so. You're right! I actually truly believe that there is still love and caring there. There was no abuse in the relationship and for all intents and purposes we had a damn great time.

 

I suppose I'm just worried that if I wait TOO long those aforementioned feelings WILL disappear. ; - ;

 

I also noticed you and I are very close to the same age! Are you also a recent college grad?

[Viewcart]

LMAO well, you'll be amused. Exactly what you're saying x3. Work on yourself, have faith that life will lead you to him if your connection was that good...remember that 2 months is not enough time to miss someone or even process the breakup fully. However, the difference is that he believes 'no contact' is actually not the way to go until someone wants to reach out. While several theories out there do point to getting "something from nothing", that is by no means the only way to go and in my specific situation (he asked me what happened so he could give me guidance properly) it would be best to, after nc, try to build up contact again.

 

He does care for me - very much so. You're right! I actually truly believe that there is still love and caring there. There was no abuse in the relationship and for all intents and purposes we had a damn great time.

 

I suppose I'm just worried that if I wait TOO long those aforementioned feelings WILL disappear. ; - ;

 

I also noticed you and I are very close to the same age! Are you also a recent college grad?

 

Yes, I am about to start grad school in Fall. We should PM each other for support since we are in the same boat! Kind of like pen pals?

[LDMMTV]

Hi

I say keep doing what you're doing and be the best version of yourself. If things circle back around it was genuinely meant to be.

[valavoo]

Yes, I am about to start grad school in Fall. We should PM each other for support since we are in the same boat! Kind of like pen pals?

 

100% [how do you PM LOL]

 

I am also starting grad school!

[valavoo]

Hi

I say keep doing what you're doing and be the best version of yourself. If things circle back around it was genuinely meant to be.

 

[Viewcart]

 

You click under username and there should be option to private message, for some reason when I click on your name it doesn't give the option.

 

Edit: I figured it out but when I send it says you're not accepting PM?? :sorrow:

[valavoo]

fffffff i'm so sorry let me sort that out

[valavoo]

You click under username and there should be option to private message, for some reason when I click on your name it doesn't give the option.

 

Edit: I figured it out but when I send it says you're not accepting PM??

 

I don't have the option to PM you either ;n;

 

Do you have any other online thingies? I have Discord and Skype?

[Viewcart]

I don't have the option to PM you either ;n;

 

Do you have any other online thingies? I have Discord and Skype?

 

Did you turn PM on in general settings? i have skype. But don't post personal info here.

[valavoo]

I don't even have an option to turn PM on. Maybe I need to have a certain rank?

[Viewcart]

I don't even have an option to turn PM on. Maybe I need to have a certain rank?

 

You need to have a member status, idk how maybe try contacting a mod or administrator aka anyone with the bold color username

[Tomthumb88]

Just to give you some perspective.. no one here actually knows you, your ex or the depth of your story. They're giving you advice based on what little information you provided and their own life experience so while it's good to get another perspective I wouldn't base my life decisions on it. No one, perhaps even you ex, knows if you'll get back together.

That being said, don't devote you life to someone who feels they can do without you. Live your life and work on yourself, not just to get the ex back but to improve yourself and so that future relationships will be better and more furfiling

[valavoo]

Update: He actually started initiating messaging me today.

 

All my walls are up. All of them. I'm being friendly but I refuse to let my guard down.

[UBC9]

Your situation sounds a little bit like mine right now. I feel all the things you're saying.

I feel so many sad/anxious feelings its so tiring! And I'm not sure he's feeling anything at all..

I hope it goes well with your conversations with him. I began seeing a therapist and she's told me similar things.

I don't know if I agree with no contact but it seems he doesn't want to talk if I contact him (I have only done it twice) , tells me let me know if I need him, and only wants to talk if he's missing me/initiates it.

Maybe try writing everything down in a way you would say it to him? Thats what I'm doing but I have not read anything to him

 

Good luck

[valavoo]

Your situation sounds a little bit like mine right now. I feel all the things you're saying.

I feel so many sad/anxious feelings its so tiring! And I'm not sure he's feeling anything at all..

I hope it goes well with your conversations with him. I began seeing a therapist and she's told me similar things.

I don't know if I agree with no contact but it seems he doesn't want to talk if I contact him (I have only done it twice) , tells me let me know if I need him, and only wants to talk if he's missing me/initiates it.

Maybe try writing everything down in a way you would say it to him? Thats what I'm doing but I have not read anything to him

 

Good luck

 

I'd love to help you out with your situation as well if ya need it. I've definitely done some writing on the subject.

[ShatteredMan]

Update: He actually started initiating messaging me today.

 

All my walls are up. All of them. I'm being friendly but I refuse to let my guard down.

As well you should. At least he's initiated some form of communication. Some of us don't even get that....

 

Nonetheless, he needs to demonstrate behaviors that show he's ready to reconcile and move forward in the relationship.

 

If you want to restart a romantic relationship with him, make it clear that is the only option you will accept.

[WombatShadow]

Update: He actually started initiating messaging me today.

 

All my walls are up. All of them. I'm being friendly but I refuse to let my guard down.

 

That's a good sign, but you're right to have your walls up. There will be a time to come out in the open with your feelings and emotions, but this isn't it. Keep 'em close to your chest and play it safe for the moment. Be chill, be cool. Be the woman he first fell for, not the clingy one at the end of your relationship.

[valavoo]

I got two different answers here XD. One of you says make my feelings clear now, the other says wait it out. Oh no >_<.>

 

I think I'm leaning towards waiting it out. I at least want to see it he contacts me more.

[shessofly]

What did he say when he contacted you?

 

How long ago was the last time you told him how you felt?

[valavoo]

Oh I told him how I felt ummmm about 1.5 months ago before I stopped talking to him for a little. The little conversations we have are just about things we both find interesting. Nothing about the relationship.

[WombatShadow]

Oh I told him how I felt ummmm about 1.5 months ago before I stopped talking to him for a little. The little conversations we have are just about things we both find interesting. Nothing about the relationship.

 

That's what you want to see.

 

Frankly, I disagree with the "relationship or bust" method. Every relationship needs a solid foundation to build on, and that includes reintiating with exes. Obviously you'll have to come clean at some point, but build up some positive feelings first. Alternatively, do what I did and say where you're at and ask where he wants to go from there. You risk him saying concretely that he wants nothing more to do with you (which may or may not be true in the present and/or in the long run), but you'll at least know. Don't try to force him into a situation where the only reason you'll talk to him is to reconcile, because it gives no chance for feelings to regrow.

[valavoo]

Thanks, Womabat! I'm really feeling keeping the space through July, seeing how much he initiates. Perhaps hang out as friends. However come August I'll see if we can talk about us.

[LexieGirl]

Hi Valavoo,

 

I'm also actively following your story. My ex and I also had issues over having been an LDR for a long time; ironically, after he moved here I broke it off as he was - lots like your ex - going out a lot and cancelling on time with me. He seemed to want to have the life of a single guy, so I encouraged him to do so. Anyway, we finally got together yesterday for our first "date," but it was unclear where to go from here (and I tried to kind of keep it "light" and not talk too much about our relationship/future steps). I'm worried because his message to me last night was kinda like, 'Had fun, thanks!" and that was it. Even though we spent the day laughing, talking and kissing and saying how it was like no time had passed.

 

I hope you guys get your second chance, but I will tell you it's been just under a year for us and it took that long to be able to have a real conversation. We did lots of back and forth like you guys did, but it took this long to get to the point where we could see each other. And that only happened after I heard a rumor from a mutual friend that he was back with his ex - and confronted him about it! I still think he needs more time...but I wish you all the best, and think you should just keep working on yourself as others have said! Maybe he will come around. Like you, I believe in love.

[valavoo]

Hi Valavoo,

 

I'm also actively following your story. My ex and I also had issues over having been an LDR for a long time; ironically, after he moved here I broke it off as he was - lots like your ex - going out a lot and cancelling on time with me. He seemed to want to have the life of a single guy, so I encouraged him to do so. Anyway, we finally got together yesterday for our first "date," but it was unclear where to go from here (and I tried to kind of keep it "light" and not talk too much about our relationship/future steps). I'm worried because his message to me last night was kinda like, 'Had fun, thanks!" and that was it. Even though we spent the day laughing, talking and kissing and saying how it was like no time had passed.

 

I hope you guys get your second chance, but I will tell you it's been just under a year for us and it took that long to be able to have a real conversation. We did lots of back and forth like you guys did, but it took this long to get to the point where we could see each other. And that only happened after I heard a rumor from a mutual friend that he was back with his ex - and confronted him about it! I still think he needs more time...but I wish you all the best, and think you should just keep working on yourself as others have said! Maybe he will come around. Like you, I believe in love.

 

Thank you...I have a lot of hope, but sometimes it's hard to keep hope when the people around you actively try to crush it. I think in your situation, you should address your conversation in a day or so. Talking and kissing --> platonic text is really weird. Definitely confirm where things are going.

 

Another issue I have is that my ex is not the particularly proactive type. I think that even if he did want to get back together with me or talk things over.

 

Also, I worry so much about how freaking long it might be before we can talk about things. I admit I'm really worried he'll just meet someone else and no longer give me the time of day. I swore our connection was strong and that it still is but damn.