Husband's been having an affair

[tracyjean270796]

 

 

I have been with my husband for 15 years; married for 9 with 2 beautiful children but found out the other day that my husband has been having an affair for the past year with someone he works with. He says it is now over and only ever wanted and still wants me and his family. He is really sorry what he has done... yet I just don't know what to do all I can imagine is him and her together and what a complete idiot I have been. We have a very good marriage or so I thought although our sex lives has not been great at all since the kids came 4 years ago he says he only ever went with her because he felt wanted and he thought it would help me if he didn't pester me for sex but as we both work full-time and don't get in till late I have to admit there is no energy left to do anything never mind have sex. Please help anyone else in this situation. I truly still love him but don't know what to do. He is not the sort of man to flirt and I know this has been the only affair but also found out that she became pregnant and an abortion which was decided by them both as the best thing to do.... I am finding it hard to cope with this as well especially as we have 2 small children of our own and haven' stopped crying since I found out.

[huszar]

I'm so very sorry about your situation. I personally think the best thing to do is to see a marriage counselor, if he cares he will agree to see one. Just remember one thing...IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!!

[HeavenLee]

I agree that if you really want to stay with him and make it work, then a marriage counsellor is the way to go. Not only will it help you try to deal with your feelings of betrayal, loss of trust, blame etc and talk in an open and frank manner, but it will also make him acknowledge that what he did was wrong and will make him take some responsibility. It may even help you to sort out what the source of the problem is. He may appear to be sorry for what he has done, but there are no excuses for what he's put you and your children through. Only his actions will show you if he really is sorry or feels some remorse. Don't make this too easy for him - he has alot of work to do to regain your trust. It wasn't your fault, and you shouldn't have to be suffering like this. If there was a problem to begin with, then he should have communicated this to you to give you a chance to fix it... not simply go to someone else's arms.

 

If he loves you, he will be willing to attend to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work, and that means admitting to his mistakes and communicating to yourself and a third party about it in a controlled manner. Don't think of it as admitting defeat or anything, but as a professional means of giving your relationship the best chance to survive. I'm sure he's sorry for what he's done (in some capacity), but does he truly understand the damage that he's done?

 

Good luck to you and I hope that you can seek help and work things out. Actually, I just hope that you can find some happiness again, whether things work out or not.

[DN]

I agree about the counselling. Adultery is never right, if someone has problems in the marriage they should be discussed and, if possible, resolved. So he was wrong and should admit that - it looks as if he has.

 

But when someone cheats and you want to put the marriage back together, it is important to understand any contribution you may have made to the problems. And you say in your post that your sex life dropped when you had children. I wrote the following post a couple of weeks ago and you may find it useful to read it. It is about balancing relationships when children come along. .

 

 

 

I found it significant that your husband said the affair made him feel wanted, as well as having sex which you had no energy for. That is a clear signal that things were lacking for him. People move away from pain and discomfort and towards pleasure and comfort. So this woman was offering him something pleasurable that he was not getting at home: sex but also a sense of being wanted and needed. And that issue must be addressed if the same problem is not to happen again.

 

This is not meant to blame you at all, but just to say that you are not at fault because he is the one who cheated is unlikely to help you repair the relationship. He is absolutely wrong to have cheated but if any behaviour of yours was part of the decision he made then you should be aware of it in trying to put things right between you.

 

If you approach reconciliation with a sense of putting all the blame on him, it is unlikely that long-term repair will be accomplished. You both need help in learning how to communicate when things are not going well, how to negotiate and compromise so that you both draw strength and comfort from each other and become true partners - that means supporting one another, depending on each other and realising that relationships require love and attention - and energy.

[townncountry]

Hi, Tracy--

 

I'm sorry for the hurt you must feel. Trust me -- you can get over the pain if you want to.

 

First, it is time to see a counselor. They are trained to deal with this kind of situation. Second, you said that you had a good sex life until the children came along. That's a good sign. While most women are depressed and stressed by the challenge of taking care of two children, this situation led in part to your situation. So many women put the very audible whines of their children above the inaudible needs of their marriage and the silent desires of their husbands. And when a husband feels abandoned or unappreciated as a lover, despite his efforts to manage the stress of his career and his new roles as a father and breadwinner, his biology will tend to lead to not addressing the abandonment outright, but to moving on to mate with others.

 

(Sorry, women will think that male psychology is all bunk, but look at history. Heterosexual men have always been torn between sexual fidelity and satsifying recurring desires. When one spouse's desire drops off, there is no guarantee that the other spouse's libido will as well. In most cases it doesn't.)

 

The good news is that this seems to be a consequence of your post-partum depression and that as long as you had the native attraction to each other that you can likely regain regain it. Perhaps with even renewed vigor and ability to communicate to each other. But it will take breaking long-established communication patterns. You will be much more cautious about trusting your husband for a while. You will frequently ask yourself if your husband is having another affair, and he'll have to understand that you feel insecure in his love for you. He will have a number of emotions too -- from guilt to self-preservation. (He'll ask himself, should he just get out of the relationship and allow time to diminish the strong emotions you both are feeling. He's also in mourning for at least three things: 1. the great relationship he had with you before your sex lives tailed off; 2. the loss of intimacy with a person who carried him through a period of sexual doldrums and who he obviously was attracted to and friendly with; 3. the loss of progeny when he and the other woman decided to terminate the unexpected pregnancy -- Yes men do feel very depressed after a child of theirs is aborted. In addition, he probably feels that his freedom will be restrained for some time, and he may have come to adopt some patterns of life that he enjoyed, though again, everyone's conflicts will be different.)

 

You should not explode or let your children see the hostility you might feel. In fact, if it is hostility you feel, then see a counselor right away.

 

John Gray is a wonderful expert on this topic. He has written a book on the subject, and you should try to get it on tape. The fact is that the voluntarily disclosure means that the discloser generally is contrite. It's a step toward better verbal intimacy and an act of urgency to get attention. Now that he has your attention, what are you going to do to ensure that he two of you begin listening to each other better?

 

Good luck!