I want to date him but I can't

[music lover 88]

I'm in my fourth year of college and I haven't yet had a boyfriend or even my first kiss...Wow I've never actually written that out before, and frankly its embarrassing. But its not that I haven't been asked out before, because I have, and I've been on a few dates, but they don't go anywhere because I don't let them.

 

There is this guy that likes me now. It feels really good to know that there is someone out there who is thinking of me, who wants to be with me, but I turned him down. I know its not good to think this, but I don't exactly think of myself as an attractive person, and I can't understand why this guy likes me, and it would makes things easier if he wasn't so persistent. He is caucasian and I'm not. There has never been a caucasian person married into my family. My parents are not from the US, they had an arranged marriage, and want someone of our ethnicity and religion, for me. For as long as I can remember...I would think to myself, "I'm gonna date whoever I want, it doesn't matter what nationality he is, he doesn't have to be Asian."

 

But now that I've been living on my own, and able to make decisions with out my parents critizing me, I realize that I can't bring myself to be in a relationship with a non-Asian guy. Not that I've been able to find an Asian guy, I haven't. But I realize now that I want to be able to pass on my culture, my language and my religion. I'm already having trouble remembering the language like I used to, and if I end up marrying someone that doesn't even speak it, then what hope is there of passing it on? I want my kids to experience the rich culture that I've grown up in, and is such a big part of my life, its who I am.

 

So I don't know what to do. Here is this really nice guy, who I haven't so much as given a chance to, that is waiting for me. But I feel like I can't let myself get attached to him, because there is no future for us. I always thought that my parents would be the ones to stop me from dating someone, but not myself.

[Matt01]

What do you want to do? Follow your heart because if you dont you will not be happy. What is more important, your culture or your happiness? Don't feel like its your duty to pass on your culture because frankly it isnt. Its a simple question, are you attracted to this person or not?

[I_love_rain_hugs_and_you]

I am finishing my third year of university and I have never dated a girl, never kissed a girl, never had a girlfriend either. No worries, there are lots of people in your situation.

 

It's important that you date and marry someone who you love, and not care what race or color they are. Picking a spouse by race is racist, and that is unacceptable in our modern times. Love is blind to color and culture.

 

If you are concerned about your children losing thier roots, then perhaps you could write down a few stories about your culture. On special days, celebrate those days. Bake food from your own culture. Tell stories to your children.

 

But remember that cultures come and go, and that new cultures that emerge are just as good as old ones that pass away. Its important not be ethnocentric and think that your own culture is the best and that it needs to be taught...it is but one of numerous rich ways of life, and its important for children to adopt a culture and way of life that is best for them.

 

Follow your heart, and not your parents....

 

Good luck!!!

[kungfumaster]

Being of Asian descent myself, I don't find anything wrong with falling for a guy of a different culture. My brother fell in love with a Spanish woman - my sister-in-law is wonderful. They have been happily married for 7 years now. I have 4 girl cousins who have married caucassian men -they are very happy and still going strong too.

 

For myself, it would be great if in the future I can find an Asian woman with whom I am absolutely smitten with (and she with me), but I will not hold all my cards waiting for it because I know life always finds a way to not give you what you want. My first serious girlfriend was Irish, and my second serious girlfriend was Chinese. It was with my second ex that I realize I "felt more at home" with a partner of the same cultural background as myself, and hence I am at the state which I am now.

 

I might get eaten alive with what I'm about to say, but I say kudos to you for "preferring" to find someone from your own cultural background so that you can keep your parents culture alive. But at the same time, the reality still is (as a previous poster already mentioned) that love does not see color, ethnicity, race or religion. It just sees you as a human being.

 

Take care.

Kung fu

[apollocreed71]

Hey, you can always teach you child your culture and background. Rejecting someone because of color is racist. are you saying that it is okay to be friends with them, eat in the same places, go to school with them, learn from them, but not marry them. Racist. America is a melting pot, if all of America thought like that, you would not be int this position because Asians would not be in America.

[apollocreed71]

America is a culture.

[greenie35]

I understand both sides of this situation. It is acceptable for you to both want to find someone of your own culture to pass your beliefs and heritage down to, but it is also completely fine to fall in love with someone who is not of the same ethnicity as you. You really just need to listen to your heart. Your culture is a big part of your heart and so are the bonds that are formed between two people when they embark on a relationship together. Let your intuition and heart guide you. Truly listen to it. People should not be trying to condemn you or throw the word racisim around...that is not fair.

[here2understand2]

hey, music lover...i am an indian and something tells me u are from the subcontinent(but i culd b wrong!) yeah i do want to spread my culture but I also want to embrace what life has to offer, It is totally unfair for you to judge the guy based on where he's from, if you've to judge him judge him on the basis of wether he keeps you happy or not.

And he's just asking you out for a date, who knows wether you're gonna settle down with him or not, so give him a chance..u take a chance, I know its going to be difficult for you to take a step, but believe me people everywhere are the same. I have had the same problems in relationships that I used to have back in India, I've dated girls from 4 different countries and it hasnt worked out with any of them!LOL!..so that gives me two choices(either there's a problem with the girls out there or with me!LOL!) i'd take the first one anyday..on a serious note, there would be some issues that would come up because of cultural differences but if you two want to work it out, you can! so be a sweet girl and dont judge him on where he's coming from..instead use the commonly used girly index, i.e. wether he's cute/funny/caring or not!..hope this helps!

[Rozanne]

I don't think this is racist at all.

 

I am half-chinese, half-scottish - born and bred in Scotland.

 

I have never dated a Chinese person and I don't think that I ever will because I just don't find them attractive. However, in saying that, if I fall in love with someone Asian, their racial background isn't going to stop me.

 

If you want to find someone from the same culture as you - that's fine. Why should this be any different from Christians wanting to find other Christians? or some people preferring blondes? Taken to its furthest extreme - it's not too different to saying that heterosexual people are sexist!

 

Date who you want!

[Marko]

I don't think this is racist at all.

 

I am half-chinese, half-scottish - born and bred in Scotland.

 

I have never dated a Chinese person and I don't think that I ever will because I just don't find them attractive. However, in saying that, if I fall in love with someone Asian, their racial background isn't going to stop me.

 

If you want to find someone from the same culture as you - that's fine. Why should this be any different from Christians wanting to find other Christians? or some people preferring blondes? Taken to its furthest extreme - it's not too different to saying that heterosexual people are sexist!

 

Date who you want!

 

NAILED and CO-SIGNED.

 

best and most accurate advice you can receive on your situation.

[music lover 88]

Thank you to the people who left supportive responses and understand that I am not being racist.

 

Maybe I'm making things more complicated than they have to be, and I should take it "one step at a time." After all, its just dating right, and I should have fun? Then other side of me kicks in and says, say things get serious with this guy, then what do I do? My parents have already told me they don't approve of non-Asian guys. And of course, I don't always do what my parents tell me to do.

 

But I've seen other couples in other families, that are of mixed background and they get excluded from conversations, not accepted in the Asian community, treated like outsiders. I know thats not right, and I know thats something the community needs to work on, but thats the reality.

 

This wouldn't be so hard if my sister and my brother were dating people of other races...but they're not. I'm the only one in my family thats become part of the 'american' crowd. I guess its not supposed to be easy, and I guess "watering down" of our culture is inevitable, its just depressing to see it happen.

 

I'm going to try and see where my heart leads me with this, I just hope its in the right direction.

[Kaia]

I'm the first one in my family who ever dated a non-Asian and I understand your concerns. There's just something that will always be out of sync when you date someone from different culture. But I'm sure your parents will eventually approve of non-Asian guys if they treat you well.

 

I don't really have any advice for you. It's a hard choice to make but if I were you I would worry about that later and just go out have a casual date. If it turns out serious later on then you'll be too involved anyway to pull out (which is ok), so it works either way!

[mshollywod]

It's amazing how sometimes you think you are the only one with a problem cause everyone else around you lives seems hunky doory until you join a forum and realize you are not alone. I am over the age of 25 and have never had a boyfriend and until yesterday, didn't realize there were so many people like myself. I have kissed guys before but never had a serious boyfriend.

 

My parents are from a different country and lucky for me they don't care what nationality the men I date are as long as they are not disrespectful or criminals. There is a guy who is a friend of mine whom I am interested in but I have a feeling his family if we were to get together would not approve of me since I'm African-American. But since he hasn't made that move I guess I don't have to worry about it.

 

But date who you want. If it makes you feel good do it if it doesn't don't.

[RayKay]

I think it is normal to want someone who shares your values, goals, morals and who will also be able to share a similar lifestyle, views on raising a family, and be able to blend in with your current family. Often this person will be someone raised in a similar fashion/culture as you, and so in this sense I don't think it is wrong for you to think this way. While it is easy for some to say its racist - the fact is that sometimes such marriages of similar backgrounds to have better odds of lasting!

 

However, saying that, don't rule out that someone of a different culture may still share the same things that you do and still be just as compatible with you, don't worry so much about the race of the person, but rather about sharing those values, goals, lifestyles and of course the love, rather than what language they speak. You can still raise your children to know your heritage when done properly, so don't worry about that

[tiger_lilies]

I am Asian and have dated different men of different backgrounds. One thing I've noticed that gets a little tiring for me is that you have to teach your new guy about certain things that are not known to people of different cultures.

 

I grew up within the Chinese community and when I date a 'white' guy, I have to teach them about table manners. For example: You're not suppose to stick your chopsticks into the rice because that means 'death', or when you pour tea, it should always go to the eldest at the table out of respect and not just pour the tea for yourself only etc.

 

These things, as small as they seem are really important in the Chinese culture and these are the road blocks when dating someone of a different background.

 

I say date who you want. Just realize that there are certainly hurdles to overcome when dating outside of your culture.