s15 Posted June 25, 2017 Share Posted June 25, 2017 Hi, I am a male, 22 and I've been with my girlfriend over 1.5 years now and i love her very much, however, we are going through a very rough time. I have never been fully satisfied with our sex life, I am a very sex-orientated person and she is not. (I know there are probably 1000's of threads matching this description but i have not found one quite like my situation). The problem started 6 months into the relationship when we first started having sex, it wasnt great and i expected it to get better over time and it did but only briefly. Different contraceptives played a role in the up/down nature of our sex-life but she is currently off all contraceptives (pretty much forced by me for side-effects) but she is less interested than ever. - She is never able to last as long as me as she starts to feel pain which nearly always leaves me to finish by myself. - While we are engaged in sexual activities, she rarely seems into it which really turns me off. When i ask her about this, she says she is which really insults me as i feel she is lying to me. - All intercourse has stopped as per her request We used to be properly intimate on average, 3 times a week and now its only half-intimate once every 2 weeks I have spoken with her several times about this and she just apologized and things would actually get better for a few days, but then right back to normal.. She knows im very upset by it and i told her that sometimes i think it would be best to break up. She got incredibly upset by this and begged me to stay and she would change. I was hopeful she would make an effort that would last but it has just gotten worse. I have always been the one to initiate it as she rarely would but lately i have not been doing it. She now tries to initiate because "she wants to make me happy" but she still looks like she'd rather be anywhere else, paired with the fact she never wants to have intercourse anymore and never wants me to touch her (she says its because its always too sore down there). Not only does this not satisfy me, she still never finishes me because her arm gets tired. So ive started flat-out turning her down. This has led to fights and a general bad relationship environment. She constantly says she wants to make me happy but i hate it when she does it because she feels she has to or ill leave her. I spoke with her again and stated how much i hate her trying when she doesnt actually want to (after all, i only get pleasure when i pleasure her) but nothing changes, she still tries. Once again, i brought up that i have thoughts about other women and leaving (while i hate cheaters and hope i never become one, i cant help but have those thoughts) Am i selfish for not letting her "do her job" as she put it? Is it wrong of me to hate that she just wants to "sort me out" even though she has good intentions? Was being honest about my thoughts of leaving a bad decision, maybe she feels its not worth investing if there is uncertainty? (I have proven time and time again that i love her tremendously and do not plan on leaving) I 100% do not want to leave her but i am so frustrated its on my mind more every day. I would like to hear opinions from both ends and please, no comments to just leave her. I cannot allow that to be a viable option. Thanks Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 25, 2017 Share Posted June 25, 2017 Why is it not a viable option to leave? You sound mismatched sexually. Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted June 25, 2017 Share Posted June 25, 2017 She should see her doctor and find out why having sex hurts her so much. It shouldn't hurt. There could be something physically wrong that a doctor could remedy. I think you two are very mismatched sexually and at your young age you should not be feeling like this, perhaps moving on is a good idea especially if she won't go see her doctor. Link to comment
s15 Posted June 25, 2017 Author Share Posted June 25, 2017 Im trying my best to not consider it because while i do know we are sexually incompatible, we are perfect for each other in pretty much every other way and my love for her is far too strong to have it go down the drain over this. It scares me to think of a future without her... Also she has gone to a doctor but nothing seems to be wrong. There is the possibility of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome because she never got periods until she went on a certain contraceptive which then led to one never ending period. Since removing it, periods seem to have regulated so we are still unsure about health playing a role Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 25, 2017 Share Posted June 25, 2017 Yes, but the forcing and denying sex is not working . It causes massive resentment on both sides. Maybe she is afraid to get pregnant? I mean you can't disallow someone birth-control . Link to comment
s15 Posted June 25, 2017 Author Share Posted June 25, 2017 She definitely has paranoia regarding pregnancy. We have tried using condoms but that isnt enough protection for her. The constant bleeding was becoming too much for her and was taking a large toll on her everyday life so that is why i pushed for her to get it removed. She didnt want to because of me. She kept saying "then how are you going to live without it" but her well-being was my main concern then We tried a different contraception soon after which gave her severe heart palpitations Link to comment
Giblesp Posted June 25, 2017 Share Posted June 25, 2017 Why is it not a viable option to leave? You sound mismatched sexually. Because he has feelings for her, therefore he doesn't want to leave her. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 25, 2017 Share Posted June 25, 2017 Because he has feelings for her, therefore he doesn't want to leave her. That may be.... But what's happening is a feeling destroyer on both sides. And feelings aren't the only thing that makes a relationship work . Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted June 25, 2017 Share Posted June 25, 2017 Different contraceptives played a role in the up/down nature of our sex-life but she is currently off all contraceptives (pretty much forced by me for side-effects) but she is less interested than ever. Unless I'm misreading the (above), you forced her to go off of all contraceptives because of the side effects? If so, you're thinking with the wrong body part, as well as being extremely irresponsible. What is your plan if this results in an unexpected pregnancy? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 25, 2017 Share Posted June 25, 2017 Unless I'm misread the (above), you forced her to go off of all contraceptives because of the side effects? If so, you're thinking with the wrong body part, as well as being extremely irresponsible. What is your plan if this results in an unexpected pregnancy? I agree being a 22-year-old father is something you may not like . Link to comment
s15 Posted June 25, 2017 Author Share Posted June 25, 2017 I believe there is a misunderstanding somewhere. I, in no way forced her to do anything (wrong word used above, granted). I did however, did urge her strongly to get it removed and by 'thinking with the wrong body part' you mean my brain then yes. We had sex regularly while she was experiencing the side effects, in fact the best portion of our sex-life was during that time. The side effects did not bother me personally but they did bother her quite a bit and was mentally and physically draining after roughly 7 months of constant bleeding. Urging her to get it removed was for her safety and nothing more as mentioned above Also you forgot the read the part where i state we have now resorted to using condoms and where we have been jumping between contraceptives to find what works for her. Irresponsible is the last thing I am being in my opinion. Link to comment
Giblesp Posted June 25, 2017 Share Posted June 25, 2017 Your immediate concern should be her well being. What can happen with high levels of frustration and confusion from both sides is that it can get pretty destructive, this is why people who have been in this situation advise to leave. However, you obviously care about her and want to give it a shot which is a good thing. Bottom line is, this young woman is not healthy enough for a sexual relationship right now. Something is up physically and its no doubt emotionally related also. She needs to get herself help, and this has to be on her own initiative. She's right to stop sexual contact right now, because that's what she needs to get herself better. If she can get the help and start the self work she'll be ok with time. If I were in your position and a woman I was with had this or any other problem, if she were working at it and I'd stick with her without a doubt. Providing I was also working on and looking after myself of course, otherwise I'd be a hypocrite. But if she were not working at it, then nothing would change and the situation would become worse. I'd then leave her but not because of the problem, but because she wasn't working on herself. As your her partner, you have to approach this carefully. You will also need to have a high level of self control, and be very gentle with her. The sex has to stop now, and the reason why is for her to get herself better. Its about HER health and well being and not your satisfaction or frustration. Im not saying that and implying you've been an ahole to her, but understand that it is a very frustrating thing. This sort of frustration can make demons out of both women and men, so be careful. Gently speak to her about getting some help for whats going on, then see what happens. In the meantime, no more arguments about this with her. Link to comment
Giblesp Posted June 25, 2017 Share Posted June 25, 2017 That may be.... But what's happening is a feeling destroyer on both sides. And feelings aren't the only thing that makes a relationship work . No feelings, no relationship. I'll leave you to ponder that, and get the last say in. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 25, 2017 Share Posted June 25, 2017 No feelings, no relationship. I'll leave you to ponder that, and get the last say in. I don't need to ponder it. I know what a long standing relationship looks like. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 25, 2017 Share Posted June 25, 2017 Op, Does she have health issues or ever suffered any trauma? Link to comment
s15 Posted June 25, 2017 Author Share Posted June 25, 2017 No and no, that i am aware of. I do think it may be more of a difference in sex drive more-so than a health issue, although health issues cannot be ruled out. I will ask to get further tests done and see where that leads Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 25, 2017 Share Posted June 25, 2017 It could be that you are mismatched. And while unfortunate it does happen quite a bit of the time actually . Link to comment
shessofly Posted June 25, 2017 Share Posted June 25, 2017 If leaving isn't an option you'd best stop threatening to breakup/telling her you are thinking about other women. That's not gonna turn on her on any for sure. It's just creating anxiety and insecurity about your level of commitment. I understand why you feel like she is doing it out of obligation. You're either mismatched drive wise or she's got some undiagnosed health/psychological problems. To me, it sounds like mismatched sex drive. Hot and heavy while you were honeymooning, and it's now tapered off to nil. When you do have sex is there foreplay? Is she getting warmed up properly? Does she orgasm? Or is the whole thing just a chore? If it's a mismatched sex drive your options are to accept it when you get it/accept her attempts to please you and not judge it for what you think it is, or leave (which you say is not a viable option). Maybe try couples counseling. I don't know. You're dissatisfied and she's insecure/trying to do what you want so you'll stick around. This sounds like a potential relationship ender to me. See if she'll go to another specialist. Link to comment
s15 Posted June 25, 2017 Author Share Posted June 25, 2017 I agree, i was too open about some of my thoughts, i assumed honesty and getting it out into the open might help... When it comes to sex, lately there is some foreplay but not enough for her in my opinion. It seems like whenever she is ready to have sex, the foreplay is rushed a little bit. That could be me too though. She has never had an orgasm before. Not even by herself because she never did anything by herself (she has told me in the past there have only been a few occasions before we met where she got horny but she just let it pass). Lets just say i know her a lot better than she knows herself physically. Every so often we have a moment where it is amazing for both of us. 3 weeks ago was the last time that happened. Very rare though, maybe 5-10 times throughout our relationship. 90% of the time it seems like a chore for her. It makes me feel bad... In all honestly, we were watching TV show and i said "Have i ever pressured you?". She jokingly replied "I dunno". Ever since then ive had a complex about it, thats my issue i know... Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 25, 2017 Share Posted June 25, 2017 OK ,so she's very inexperienced about her own body combined with the mismatch. Don't forget as well that women come into their sexual prime in their 30s not early 20's like men. I remember being in my 30s and my husband and I being totally mismatched in that department. Link to comment
s15 Posted June 25, 2017 Author Share Posted June 25, 2017 OK ,so she's very inexperienced about her own body combined with the mismatch. Don't forget as well that women come into their sexual prime in their 30s not early 20's like men. I remember being in my 30s and my husband and I being totally mismatched in that department. Can i ask how that turned out? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 25, 2017 Share Posted June 25, 2017 Can i ask how that turned out? We are still together. and now we have a matched libidos again. Just remember that libidos will go up and down over the time span of a relationship . We have been together since 1988 and we have had a lot of ups and downs in that department over time but it requires patience and lots of love and sacrifice . You are going to have to give and she is going to have to give. You will have to understand that you are not going to get sex whenever you want it and she is going to have to understand that sometimes she has to step up her game . Link to comment
s15 Posted June 25, 2017 Author Share Posted June 25, 2017 Im glad to hear it worked out for you Seraphim! I will take on board everything that has been said and will try to make this last. Thank you all for your input i extremely appreciate it. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 25, 2017 Share Posted June 25, 2017 Just remember try not to make sex a weapon in a relationship . Nothing feels worse than sex being given begrudgingly or having someone push and push and push for sex and then turn you down when you offer it . Step back from that for a while . Build the romance for a while and put sex on the back burner for a bit . Link to comment
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