Dumped out of the blue by my fiance of 8 years. Struggling to understand why.

[wthhappened]

I agree, I'm working through the anger by doing my sports. They leave me so exhausted I don't even have energy to be angry.

[EternalOptimis]

The great source of both the misery and disorder of human life, seems to arise from over-rating the difference between one permanent situation and another... Some of these situations may, no doubt, deserve to be preferred to others: but one of them can deserve to be pursued with that passionate ardour which drives us to violate the rules either of prudence or of justice; or to corrupt the future tranquility of our minds, either by shame from remembrance of our own folly, or by remorse from the horror of our own injustice.

- Adam Smith, 1759; The Theory of Moral Sentiments

[throw]

Makes you really think how long they had been harboring their doubts about the relationship. All the memories are tainted now, with the possibility that they were unhappy but just faking it. F-ing cowards.

[ShannonM10]

I am so sorry for the pain and confusion you are going through, I know it well and I admire your strength and resolve so much. I was a mess for a very long time after my relationship came to an end and I still have rollercoaster days where I want to break NC and get answers. Same as you, we did not argue much at all, had a normal trusting relationship and I was completely blind sided. If he had doubts, he never shared them with me but kept them to himself. This is a sign of a huge lack in communication, if he cant communicate these things, then it will affect any relationship he has in the future. Unfortunately there was a third party involved in mine, I had no idea, I trusted him completely..but I found out relatively fast..and to add insult to injury, he proposed to her a year to the day we broke up..then proceeded to call me 3 months after getting engaged late at night..I did not answer. Now..all I want is answers...but they will never be enough, they will never take back the tainted memories now, nor the massive amount of pain I have been in and still am in.

 

I want to tell you that I find it very powerful and amazing that you have enough foresight to realize that he will not give you closure...it does come from within and in time. 8 years is a long time, mine was 5, and when someone up and leaves, doesn't even fight for the relationship and if a third party is involved, you will never understand why. Maybe they detached and had doubts for months, were just going through the motions and hoping the doubts would go away. But I will say this, if you do not communicate those doubts with a partner then the relationship will fail....especially if you chose that time to allow someone else to come in the picture. I sincerely hope that your ex wasn't that HUGE of a coward, for your sake and for himself....but to be honest..i NEVER thought in a million years my ex would do what he did....I was destroyed and sometimes feel like I am dead inside. I blame myself..I am so glad you don't...its a slippery slope of mental destruction and hard to stop those thought patterns. I think what you are doing to preoccupy yourself is amazing and you should be so proud of yourself. You were NOT lacking in any ways, he lacked the maturity to talk to you about his issues, there may have been signs, but we are not mind readers, that's why communication is so important and why ultimately a lot of marriages fail.

 

Keep doing what you are doing, you are not alone, and I hope we both can heal from this and find someone that would never fathom leaving us.

[wthhappened]

Thank you for your response. I am sorry for the pain you have experienced and that you found out he cheated. You're right about the emotional rollercoaster - as much as I appear strong for maintaining no contact, I still go through a lot of pain every day.

 

You are right that if they hid their doubts and misrepresented the relationship to us (for who knows how long), it reflects that they can not communicate like adults at all. My ex is 32...I expected a lot more from someone that age...who is a project manager nonetheless!

 

A big picture thing as well, is that it shows a complete lack of empathy. A relationship with someone with those traits will not last.

[wthhappened]

I would like to add to this thread that my ex spoke of a future with me frequently for the entire duration of our relationship. He always asked me where I wanted to live, how we would raise kids (i.e. he wanted to go on paternity leave so I could keep working at my career), what sort of wedding we would have...you name it. He talked about when we should time our first baby approximately 4 weeks before he up and left me out of nowhere. I didn't even start that conversation...he did. And he seemed pretty excited about it.

[wthhappened]

The great source of both the misery and disorder of human life, seems to arise from over-rating the difference between one permanent situation and another... Some of these situations may, no doubt, deserve to be preferred to others: but one of them can deserve to be pursued with that passionate ardour which drives us to violate the rules either of prudence or of justice; or to corrupt the future tranquility of our minds, either by shame from remembrance of our own folly, or by remorse from the horror of our own injustice.

- Adam Smith, 1759; The Theory of Moral Sentiments

 

I think I partially understand this I'm more unhappy about losing someone I loved than 'losing' the prospect of marriage, if that makes sense.

[ShannonM10]

My ex and I were both 30 when this happened, its almost been two years with his phone call being 5 months ago, the one I ignored. We had just purchased a home, so that was most likely the catalyst and this girl was on the sidelines waiting, you can read my long thread if you want. I had hoped to hate him and be over this by now, and have dated and been with other people, but I still think about him constantly. He may have been "future faking" they call it...or he may have let his anxiety about commitment freak him out! Like mentioned we will never understand...he said to me he regretted the way he went about things....and that he wished he had tried...but I don't know if he was just saying that to assuage his guilt or if he actually wanted to come back but knew my family would never accept him. He basically screwed me and my parents over with the house, they had no choice but to step in and replace him on the mortgage..this girl knew about me and everything as well? How can they have a good relationship based on that? Anyways I digress and don't mean to make this about me....you will get there....its awful I know.

 

I just had a friend whos fiancé called off the wedding 2 weeks before it was supposed to happen. It was paid for, booked, invites out..everything. Why these men do this is beyond me?? Just total lack of maturity and empathy as you mentioned. I guess better now then a lengthy costly divorce down the line for both of us. I guess we should think we dodged a bullet! I hope you have better days to come!

[wthhappened]

I cannot imagine how stressful that must have been, dealing with a breakup and mortgage strain. At least my breakup was completely clean - we did not share any finances or property together.

 

You said: "this girl knew about me and everything as well? How can they have a good relationship based on that?"

 

My friend sent this study to me after experiencing what you went through (her husband left her for their au-pair...wish I was joking). I am sure this applies equally to both sexes. The researcher summarized the study as follows:

 

'Our thesis is that the woman who "loses" her mate to another woman will go through a period of post-relationship grief and betrayal, but come out of the experience with higher mating intelligence that allows her to better detect cues in future mates that may indicate low mate value. Hence, in the long-term, she "wins". The "other woman", conversely, is now in a relationship with a partner who has a demonstrated history of deception and, likely, infidelity. 'Thus, in the long-term, she "loses".'

 

 

[Starlight925]

My friend sent this study to me after experiencing what you went through (her husband left her for their au-pair...wish I was joking). I am sure this applies equally to both sexes. The researcher summarized the study as follows:

 

'Our thesis is that the woman who "loses" her mate to another woman will go through a period of post-relationship grief and betrayal, but come out of the experience with higher mating intelligence that allows her to better detect cues in future mates that may indicate low mate value. Hence, in the long-term, she "wins". The "other woman", conversely, is now in a relationship with a partner who has a demonstrated history of deception and, likely, infidelity. 'Thus, in the long-term, she "loses".'

 

]

 

That is so interesting.

 

I am so sorry for what he did to you, and the way he did it. Just up and leaving, 8 years, after making so many plans and discussions that he initiated. So badly sucks I can't stand it.

 

My last boyfriend of 2 1/2 years did this to me. We never had so much as a disagreement which yes, I found strange, but I also figured, we just got along so well. And he, too, talked of future. He initiated all of those talks. One night, after a day of going to movies, running errands, eating dinner out, watching another movie at home, we had the slightest disagreement....when I say slight, I mean slight. He walked downstairs, got his stuff, and left. And I never heard from him again. Oh, until a few weeks later, when I emailed to see if he wanted his stuff, which he came and got, without a word. Two weeks later, his profile was on Match (which he would "never" do, as it was too public). It's been 4 years, and he is now living with a woman 10 years younger.

 

I cried so hard I thought I'd break a rib. I went to group counseling, which really helped, and I reached out to female friends. I got involved with a woman's group, and I polished myself off and went to speed dating, meetup groups, and online dating again. I did spend about a year wandering through my house, saying "where IS he?", like he was hiding behind a door or something.

 

It just takes....time. I can so empathize.

[wthhappened]

That is brutal. I don't understand these things at all.

 

I feel like if I date again, I'm going to be worried that he is hiding his true feelings and will abandon me just like my ex. It's not fair.

 

(trying to hit thank you for your post but the button isn't responding)

[tigerkitten]

OMG, I am so, so sorry. Maybe it helps you to know that I went through something very similar. I also cannot tell you what moved my fiancé to do this, other than that today (it's been about the same 100 days now for me, too) I believe that he was insecure and not able to address his issues within himself nor within the relationship. How on earth were you supposed to fix a problem you didn't know was there? Unfair, no? In my case ... I FINALLY realized it was really HIS problem. And if someone harbors a problem ... well, then there is nothing I can know or do about it, can I. Asking why serves a purpose ... which is you trying to re-gain control in some sense. If you know WHY then you can fix it (so you think). BUT ... you can only do that for your own "why's". Even if you knew "his why" ... it would be for him to fix, however much you'd like to do it for him. You can't. What helped me to stop asking WHY ... was accepting THAT. THAT meant that he's got issues. THAT meant that I would never be able to fix them for him. THAT meant that he did not want to be with me. But THAT also meant his problems were really his and have nothing to do with me. (You'll be happier down the road, trust me). THAT meant that he freaked out like a little child. My fiancé told me he loved me ... but that he was not in love with me. Sounds similar to your "missing emotional connection" to me. Usually when men do that they feel "too safe" in the relationship, they feel a lack of excitement, they get emotionally bored ... hence the ensuing craziness. You know what my ex did after he broke up with me ...? I was told he indulged in some very sad music about lost love ... for hours, days, weeks ... as if I broke up with him ... how f-ed up is that??? I would betcha your fiancé is also indulging in some morose self-pity. Why cry if you WANT to break up?!? So ...what happened to you ... is that 8 years ago or so you ran into someone who had issues, and they only surfaced when marriage was near (hore/madonna conflict for men). What happened to you was a man who was still a boy. What happened to you was a mother and a father who somehow failed their son. And finally ... what happened to you is something you can move on from, especially when you can admit to yourself that you were completely helpless in this (then you re-take power!), and if anything you can only feel sorry for him at the most. Ps: I think you're starving yourself to emotionally get to that "I feel powerless (weak/helpless) point", or to have a feeling or sense of control (since that was just brutally ripped away from you). Have something good to eat for crying out loud, and some squeezy hugs.

[wthhappened]

Your response is greatly appreciated and mirrors what a lot of people have told me. It's his problems, not mine. I do feel sorry for him because he lost a loyal friend and someone who loved him very much. I hope he gets help for his issues before dating someone new.