Feeling sad

[Kriskris]

Hello everyone. Im feeling pretty down tonight. I am ashamed of the reason behind it. TWO months ago i was talking to someone for a couple weeks who i really liked and i thought he really liked me. I had been single for awhile and finally opened up. Things moved fast and that wasnt a good thing looking back since he had just gotten out of a relationship where he was cheated on. He would talk about the future and briught me out alot, came over and made dinner,met my friends. Anyways when he decided he didnt want anything when i asked what his intentions were i was upset. One of his reasonings was that he was too busy in paramedic school. Well he just took his paramedic test and he passed ..he put it on facebook...so now part of me feels even more upset because he is done with being so "busy" and im sure he is dating someone else who will be enough. I am a ER nurse and hes a firemen so i do see him alot at work. He really is a great guy i think and im just so upset that i wasnt enough. He truly made me feel like he wanted something and now he cant even look me in the eyes. I want to congratulate him on passing as well but he has never reached out to me. I just want to not care about him!!

[melancholy123]

I think you made you feel like he wanted a relationship as he said he didnt want anything. Why dont you congratulate him for passing his test and see where that leads?

[SooSad33]

Rejection, most often always hurts Was only a cpl of months. We can't 'make' anyone like/love us.

 

Keep as much distance as possible to work at moving on. maybe it just wasn't there, for him?

 

Then for sure, is best to move on with your Life.

[BirthInReverse]

He seems too skittish. IMO, you didn't do anything "wrong", but it seems like you were attracted to an emotionally unavailable person. In short - he is not enough for you. He does not give enough and your needs are valid.

 

These types often eventually claim to be too busy despite perhaps coming on strong at first. They freak out easily & show it by withdrawing & becoming cool. The more technical term for them in attachment theory may be avoidant-detached types. They have a deeply rooted fear of abandonment that causes them to stay detached and to overreact to people's attempts to forge closeness (because if they open up/get close, then you can hurt/abandon them). They also fear engulfment - that as you get close, your needs will eclipse theirs. They often are not aware of this and instead just experience it as a desire to stay "free" and find attempts at closeness to be demanding or cramping their space, etc.

 

For these people, they have to set the pace or they run away in fear. They have to state/show intentions - if you ask for anything, then you are demanding or pushy. They have to pursue you - if you show too much interest, then you are needy or clingy. Things were moving closer, and then you asked what he intended (because you don't want to invest too much in something without longterm potential - understandable!), and it triggered him. It signaled you were more invested than him at this point and that is too scary for avoidant-detached people who think you may need too much (despite your needs likely being very NORMAL and not "too much").

 

If this sounds silly & unfair to you, then count this guy ghosting you as a blessing. You may have "scared him off", but it just exposed that he gets scared too easily. That's not your fault. Emotionally unavailable people don't become available because of what you do. They have to decide to change by facing their fears, which is not your battle to fight.

 

FYI, I have the same issue, and I am working on trying to find and develop attraction for people who aren't scared of intimacy. It really stems from my own fear, but that's another topic.

 

A few tips:

If you find this happening again with anyone, then don't invest yourself too quickly. Keep options open. During that dating period of hanging out, meeting friends, etc, you should have been exploring dating other men still (because it doesn't seem he asked for exclusivity). When he got too busy, then you should have been busy too. No need to have a "where is this going" talk - you keep going in your own direction and if he steps up to claim you, then you can decide if you want to be with him. Likely, some other guy who sees your value will come along instead & swipe you out from under his nose because he moved at a snail's pace.

 

So again, you didn't do anything wrong because you are being emotionally honest & available. These "shoulds" are only to help you protect yourself, not to make you feel shame. You cannot win over people like this. Their behavior is from issues that are not your responsibility to heal. They either step up to the plate and decide they will do what it takes to be what you need, or they lose you. If they aren't stepping up, then you need to start moving in your own direction so they see they are losing you. If they let you go, then they aren't right for you. They can't be what you need. They are not enough for you.

 

It will be easier for you to cut losses and move away if you don't invest too much too soon. Overly investing quickly is putting all your eggs in one basket. Don't rest all your hope on a guy. Don't focus your thoughts on him. Be too full of other stuff in life.

 

Communicating through actions is so much more powerful than words, but also see if they align. Some guys say "sure I want a relationship" and then do the exact same thing as this guy anyway. Some say they don't want one so they can absolve themselves of guilt for leading women on, but yet their actions say they are seeking a relationship, which is confusing. If the actions align with the words, then you can feel safe to start investing slowly, according to his level of investment. Most likely, as you see yourself as being worthy of more, then you will become disinterested in men who act this way & they will have no pull on you. Then you don't have to hold back because they will be setting the tone by being attentive and giving and moving it forward. Then you can respond and receive as you want to do.