Almost 2 months later, still not over fling/whirlwind romance.

[laelithia]

Hi Everyone,

 

I wish I could say I was doing better than I am. I'm really lost in how to continue to heal. I've dealt with heartbreak before, I think probably more than most my age, and yet I find myself completely stuck and unable to heal. I've written about this whirlwind romance before, but basically I dated someone who fast forwarded our relationship (1.5 months) and then just as quickly disconnected.

 

What I think I'm struggling most with, is that when we were together, I felt the happiest I ever had. Finally I had found someone that I was amazingly attracted to, was so attentive and caring, and wanted to be with me long term (or so he said then). It was so wonderful, I was over the moon.

 

However, since it ended, I have come to learn he is not the same man I fell for. He's flawed, has a history of hurting women, and is very insecure himself. What I can't seem to get over, is the "other" him, the one I fell for. I truly feel as though I am losing my mind, as I miss someone that wasn't real, every. single. day. It's almost like I feel like the other version of him will come back one day, that who he is now is an imposter rather than the other way around.

 

In the time since it all ended, I've been trying to do things to heal. I see friends more frequently, I work out regularly, I'm going to interviews after recently losing my job (I have no doubt this break up contributed to that unfortunately), and yet I feel no closer to healing than I did 2 months ago. I miss him constantly, I grieve the future we had planned, I doubt that I will be able to find someone I could connect with on that level, someone I am as attracted to and has the same sense of humour, style, and interests. I also struggle to understand why he let all of that go, what happened for him to change his mind about me, to stop seeing my value and the life we could have had. Maybe this is why I can't seem to fully let it go. I honestly do not understand, and I'm left in a state of confusion and hurt.

 

I've been on a few dates with other men, but none have even come close to how I felt about him early on. When I visualize who I want to marry one day and have a family with, it's him I see. Well, his body, his face, his voice, his mannerisms. I don't feel attracted to other men, I don't understand how he has been with so many women after me and has not ever looked back and wondered if he made a mistake letting me go. I can't seem to reconcile this in my mind, considering he was the one to say lovingly to me looking me in the eyes that he never wanted to be with anyone else, that he was absolutely smitten with me, that he wanted to marry me. I truly believe at the time that is how he honestly felt, he seems like a hopeless romantic in a sort of immature way like that. Yet almost as soon as his intense feelings for me came on for him, the next they were completely gone.

 

Anyway, I guess I'm looking for suggestions on how to move on, how to go on dating others when you feel like it is a lost cause, that everyone else will be "settling" on some level.

[WombatShadow]

Ugh, I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

 

Those sorts of fast-forwarded relationships are almost like a drug. You get all the happy feelings at once and none of the negatives at first (because you're being bombarded with such good feelings all the time), and then a switch flips and there's nothing left. All of that happiness gets swiped away, leaving emptiness in its wake. It's rather like going through withdrawals.

 

It's only been two months, if that. You haven't given yourself enough time yet to jump back into the dating pool. My suggestion would be to get everything re sorted out, then heal for a while. Some people are adherents to the getting over someone by getting under someone else thing, but it doesn't work for everyone or for every situation. As such, don't force the whole dating/attraction thing.

[Dominique]

One thing that will help is not trying to reconcile in your mind what he's thinking or what his motives are or how he feels. It's impossible to truly know and you make yourself feel worse.

 

Try to avoid doing things that make you feel worse.

 

When you have a future planned with someone, it is very painful to let that go and to not have it come true. What you are feeling is normal and it's still fresh and new. It hurts and it will hurt for awhile. Just keep doing what you're doing to support yourself and our well being.

 

Sending you love and light.

[Dominique]

I have a quick question. And maybe you don't known him well enough to answer but ... What about him and your experience with him makes you say he is insecure?

[laelithia]

I have a quick question. And maybe you don't known him well enough to answer but ... What about him and your experience with him makes you say he is insecure?[/quote

 

I suppose more than anything, his actions indicate this to me. He often uses self depreciation, can't seem to be alone, and does not appear confident (reduced eye contact, etc. Even though he is very attractive). But also he has said so to me before.

[Dominique]

I have a quick question. And maybe you don't known him well enough to answer but ... What about him and your experience with him makes you say he is insecure?[/quote

 

I suppose more than anything, his actions indicate this to me. He often uses self depreciation, can't seem to be alone, and does not appear confident (reduced eye contact, etc. Even though he is very attractive). But also he has said so to me before.

 

Ok. I understand. Thanks.

[Dominique]

Please remember the negatives he brought into your life. You deserve better.

[laelithia]

Please remember the negatives he brought into your life. You deserve better.

 

I've been trying to do just that, but the more I think about it, the more I feel if I had better boundaries the negatives wouldn't have been an issue/they wouldn't have happened. For instance, when he initially brought up day drinking, I could have said no and I don't think he would have minded. Same goes for the drugs, and I'm starting to feel the same would have been the case win the pace of the relationship. I feel like I essentially gave him a free ride to my heart and body, and I still wonder what would have happened if I hadn't? Or, at the very least, had some boundaries.

[Dominique]

IMO you could have used those boundaries to end things sooner. Not to make the relationship work.

 

You are reasoning things that are unreasonable. You have to let that go.

 

This man was borderline despicable and you are telling yourself you could have made the relationship work if you had boundaries? Nope.

 

I hope one day when you are healed and hopefully in a healthy relationship, you come back here and read the things you wrote today and the past few weeks. So you can see how far you have come and how much you have grown.

[laelithia]

IMO you could have used those boundaries to end things sooner. Not to make the relationship work.

 

You are reasoning things that are unreasonable. You have to let that go.

 

This man was borderline despicable and you are telling yourself you could have made the relationship work if you had boundaries? Nope.

 

I hope one day when you are healed and hopefully in a healthy relationship, you come back here and read the things you wrote today and the past few weeks. So you can see how far you have come and how much you have grown.

 

I honestly hope so one day too. I'm so stuck on how good it felt to feel like someone cared so much about me and that I felt the same. I keep focusing on all his good (to me, compatible) traits that I'm forgetting the bad.

 

You said borderline despicable, and I feel I should be able to figure this out on my own, but do you mind summing up what showed you this? Thank you so, so much for all your help and support on this.

[Batya33]

I think you ignore the "I'm settling/will never meet anyone like him again" and force yourself to go through the motions -fake it till you make it. You really did not know him so the memory of him is you idealizing/putting him on a pedestal/filling in all the holes that represent not knowing him with what you perceived/hoped. Nothing much to do with him as a person. He may have fast forwarded but you did too -you went along with it. Not "wrong" just has a fairly large downside.

It's very easy to feel that click, that "wonderful" with someone you barely know and even easier if there is sexual attraction. So, by contrast you might meet people where there is not that initially strong pull/click -where you have to put in some time to get to know the person -where you have to put in effort. Are you willing to do that? If not, then I'd go out and socialize but not with a long term relationship in mind. Not if you equate an early on spark like this with long term compatibility. Sure, it might become that, but you don't need that over the moon/"love" at first sight to find forever.

[Dominique]

I honestly hope so one day too. I'm so stuck on how good it felt to feel like someone cared so much about me and that I felt the same. I keep focusing on all his good (to me, compatible) traits that I'm forgetting the bad.

 

You said borderline despicable, and I feel I should be able to figure this out on my own, but do you mind summing up what showed you this? Thank you so, so much for all your help and support on this.

 

Previous post about this guy shows me that he has no true regard for your feelings and no respect for what yor boundaries are. Also, it seems to me that you set boundaries and he pushed you until you felt guilty and then decided to break your boundaries because they weren't being acknowledged.

 

This is one month in?! One month you should be in heaven not debating drug use and alcohol and arguing over moving too fast and being on Tinder for fun? (You mentioned that earlier in the post below but I didn't paste it.)

 

Who tells their new girl of ONE MONTH that he's going on TINDER FOR FUN?! That's mean and despicable among other things....IMO

 

Your previous post.

 

"----The rest of that visit did not go as well as the others. I began to pick up on his actions not matching his words and all the grand promises he made me, and I was beginning to see holes in our plan of being together.

 

I regret having too much to drink and verbalizing these concerns. Before I knew it, in an effort to tone down the seriousness of the situation, he suggested we go and get some drugs, "to have a good time".

 

I immediately protested and shared how that was not something I was interested in as my last boyfriend would dabble with drugs and I was worried how that would effect our relationship. Anyway, I thought we had agreed to go for dinner, but he had planned on getting the drugs first. At this point, I am drunk, scared he was acting like my ex, and upset.

 

I regret how that came out, and after he introduced me to his friend/dealer, I lost it on him. I told him I was upset that he went to get the drugs, that he introduced me to someone I didn't want knowing me (I'm in a professional field), and that it didn't seem he was prioritizing my needs. ----"

 

 

TOO MUCH DRAMA for someone who should be trying to win your heart. I hate to see what this would have looked like in a year. Two words.... Hot. Mess.

[laelithia]

I think you ignore the "I'm settling/will never meet anyone like him again" and force yourself to go through the motions -fake it till you make it. You really did not know him so the memory of him is you idealizing/putting him on a pedestal/filling in all the holes that represent not knowing him with what you perceived/hoped. Nothing much to do with him as a person. He may have fast forwarded but you did too -you went along with it. Not "wrong" just has a fairly large downside.

It's very easy to feel that click, that "wonderful" with someone you barely know and even easier if there is sexual attraction. So, by contrast you might meet people where there is not that initially strong pull/click -where you have to put in some time to get to know the person -where you have to put in effort. Are you willing to do that? If not, then I'd go out and socialize but not with a long term relationship in mind. Not if you equate an early on spark like this with long term compatibility. Sure, it might become that, but you don't need that over the moon/"love" at first sight to find forever.

 

I think you're right. I keep idolizing when we first got together, how attentive and (seemingly) loving he was over text, how he seemed to care so much about me. If I'm honest, that is what I truly miss. I loved how loved he made me feel, and I loved how he came in an attractive package. I wanted to ignore all the bad, I didn't want to face it because I didn't want him and this feeling to go away. Now that it has, it feels like a horribly painful withdrawal, and I long for someone who in reality, doesn't exist. At least not in the way I saw him. When I'm feeling particularly low, I'll reread our old messages, his promises to always be there for me and to support me, and I truly fall apart. I hate the idea of having to start all over again, not knowing if anyone else will ever know how to love and care for me in the same way he did for that short time.

 

The worst part is last time we talked about it, he listed all my positive traits, he was very kind about it, he said I was amazing and had so much going for me, but that I wasn't for him. I was for someone else. How could he even know that so early on?

 

He said it best, "I think we both wished that they (our feelings) could be real.... but I think they were just fictitious." The sad thing is I think my feelings WERE real, he just wasn't...

[Batya33]

He said all those things -but watch the feet -actions -not the lips -words -and how would he know if you were "amazing" -sounds almost like a fake psychic who mentions generalities to a person who then believes she "knows" about her. Of course he did the "it's not you it's me" - because it wasn't about you but it wasn't because you were so "amazing" just not for him. It was because he recognized that you are a good person and that he wasn't that into you. And that's ok.

 

You are right that this was about you wanting to feel a certain way - not about this person who you really didn't know well at all. So, his good qualities were that he said sweet words or typed them and triggered sexual attraction and infatuation in you. And the only other positive trait is his physical features. So, basically, his acting/public speaking skills and what he looks like, and how he triggered feelings in you. So, to me, someone with potential for a long term relationship has to be someone you actually know, and where it's not just the kind of self-absorbed "because he makes me feel over the moon" but rather that you admire and respect who he really is, enjoy hanging out with him whether or not you feel over the moon or tingly, and enjoy giving to him and being there for him from a perspective of confidence, and even when you don't feel infatuated/over the moon. And finding that to be sufficiently exciting over a long period of time.

[ShatteredMan]

This sounds similar to what happened to me and I'm only now "turning the corner" after about a year despite the relationship not lasting that long.

 

Its going to take time, distance and self-development for you to move through this. I, too, was frustrated with my lack of progress because I just couldn't get over her. Having the anger, frustration and damage to my ego from her moving on (about a month or so) after our breakup overshadowed any new relationship that I attempted to start with other women.

 

If I had taken about six months or so away from dating, put more effort into my recovery process by disabling my social media accounts/throwing myself into my work/doing volunteer work with my church/working on professional development ----basically anything to reclaim the space in my mind and heart that I had undeservedly given to her...which in turn, would have allowed me to squelch the false sense of hope around reconciliation and that I'd hear from her, I would have been over her much sooner.

 

You also have to keep thinking about the negatives in the relationship when you start to ruminate about him.

 

Please start taking steps toward by maintaining no contact, working out, reading books on relationships/recovery, spend time with friends (not mutual ones) and family or anyone who really truly cares about you.

 

If you find that every conversation involves your break up (as mine usually did), please go to a professional therapist. Your friends and family should not serve in this role. Eventually, they will get sick of hearing about it (as mine did).

 

As someone who really struggled in a similar way with a breakup, do not make the same mistakes I did. Take the time for yourself to heal, grow and stabilize mentally and emotionally.

 

There is someone out there that will be everything that this guy is not and they will be attracted to you, value you, respect you and want a future with you. The question at this point is whether or not you are strong enough to make yourself the person that they will want, deserve and cherish.

[Dominique]

He's right. You are for someone else. Someone who has real feelings for you and respect and doesn't lie or hurt you.

 

Wait for that person to show up. In the meantime, get over this guy. He's a jerk.

[laelithia]

Previous post about this guy shows me that he has no true regard for your feelings and no respect for what yor boundaries are. Also, it seems to me that you set boundaries and he pushed you until you felt guilty and then decided to break your boundaries because they weren't being acknowledged.

 

This is one month in?! One month you should be in heaven not debating drug use and alcohol and arguing over moving too fast and being on Tinder for fun? (You mentioned that earlier in the post below but I didn't paste it.)

 

Who tells their new girl of ONE MONTH that he's going on TINDER FOR FUN?! That's mean and despicable among other things....IMO

 

Your previous post.

 

"----The rest of that visit did not go as well as the others. I began to pick up on his actions not matching his words and all the grand promises he made me, and I was beginning to see holes in our plan of being together.

 

I regret having too much to drink and verbalizing these concerns. Before I knew it, in an effort to tone down the seriousness of the situation, he suggested we go and get some drugs, "to have a good time".

 

I immediately protested and shared how that was not something I was interested in as my last boyfriend would dabble with drugs and I was worried how that would effect our relationship. Anyway, I thought we had agreed to go for dinner, but he had planned on getting the drugs first. At this point, I am drunk, scared he was acting like my ex, and upset.

 

I regret how that came out, and after he introduced me to his friend/dealer, I lost it on him. I told him I was upset that he went to get the drugs, that he introduced me to someone I didn't want knowing me (I'm in a professional field), and that it didn't seem he was prioritizing my needs. ----"

 

 

TOO MUCH DRAMA for someone who should be trying to win your heart. I hate to see what this would have looked like in a year. Two words.... Hot. Mess.

 

Just wanted to clear some things here up. He told me he went back on tinder after we broke up, not while we were together. When I asked if it was because he wanted to find someone more compatible than me, that's when he said it was just for fun.

 

As for the alcohol and the drug issue, I need to take responsibility for my part in that. When he asked about the drugs, I was quite tipsy at this point, and was like "yeah, we should!". To this day, I'm not sure why I said that. I don't know if in the heat of the moment I actually thought it was a good idea, or I was too worried he would be disappointed if I said no. But the part that bothers me, is that I actually showed excitement at the idea, and only later when we were on the way to get it did I change my tune. I really don't know why I did that....

 

I think this is where my disappointment in my lack of boundaries comes in. Also, I'm plagued with thoughts about what would have happened if when he began to pull away after the last visit if I had done the same. Instead, I became increasingly concerned and called and texted more than usual to ask for reassurance that everything was okay.

 

Of course now I wonder, if I had just given him space (like most dating articles suggest), what would have happened?

[reinventmyself]

I read this once before and it makes sense in these situations.

When a relationship of short duration ends it's very painful. It ends when you are in an acute infatuation stage and your feel-good hormones are at their highest.

So when you are walking on air it's an awfully long way to fall when it ends. You literally crash.

 

Compared to a relationship of long duration, you can often make sense of why it ended and often times the couple is detaching slowly prior to the actual ending.

Even if one party isn't able to admit it, there were often signs. You can make some sense of the insensible.

 

Just know what you are feeling is normal.

I think at the time I read this I had an 'Ah Hah' moment and I was able to stop flogging myself for feeling the way I did. . and it more or less broke the spell.

 

Hope this helps

[Dominique]

You keep making excuses and blaming yourself.

 

I wouldn't tell my ex I was on tinder. That mean!

 

Bottom line. He doesn't want to be with you anymore. Let it go.

 

If you never see this the way I do, that's perfectly fine. I can accept that this is your life and your problem.

 

The one aspect of this that isn't up for debate, he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. If you want to blame yourself for that and see him as a perfect angel that just needed space and boundaries to be set more clearly, then fine. He still needs to be let go of because he doesn't want to work things out and said he isn't the person for you.

[laelithia]

You keep making excuses and blaming yourself.

 

I wouldn't tell my ex I was on tinder. That mean!

 

Bottom line. He doesn't want to be with you anymore. Let it go.

 

If you never see this the way I do, that's perfectly fine. I can accept that this is your life and your problem.

 

The one aspect of this that isn't up for debate, he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. If you want to blame yourself for that and see him as a perfect angel that just needed space and boundaries to be set more clearly, then fine. He still needs to be let go of because he doesn't want to work things out and said he isn't the person for you.

 

Well, I did ask him if he was back on it and that's when he told me. I suppose that's when I knew to really give up on him and our relationship. Prior to that he hasn't even ended things with me, just said he "needed time".

 

I'm not sure why I'm having such a hard time seeing it the way objective third parties are. I think it might be a combination of not knowing if I've accurately described everything that happened, partly being in denial, or overall just unsure of myself and what truly happened.

 

You are right about that. The part that really gets me, is that he said he was wanting to be with me, but then the last time we were together he realized I "wasn't the one for him". He couldn't point out anything specific, but of course it makes me feel like I did something wrong or something to make him change his mind. The first 2 times we were together everything was great, so of course my self esteem has now taken a beating because now I wonder what I did "wrong" the last time.

 

I really wish I could know deep in my heart once and for all that it was him, not me, and that nothing I did or didn't do would have kept this outcome from happening. But for some reason it doesn't feel that way, and I have no idea why?

[Dominique]

I understand.

 

I was once with someone who told me it wasn't me, I was perfect. BUT He didn't want me and then slept with my "best friend". of course my self esteem took a beating. But then I realized that I'm perfect in my own way and the right person will see that and I will see them and we will be in sync and we will be together. Not just in concept, but for real.

 

Sometimes it just isn't right and no amount of "perfection" in actions or personality or whatever, will make it right. That doesn't mean something is wrong with you or them, just means it wasn't meant to be.

 

Haven't you ever met a really nice person who you knew deserved the best things in life? But didn't think that person was for YOU?

 

I know a lot of nice guys who I think are genuinely wonderful. Does that mean they are ALL PERFECT FOR ME? NOPE.

 

The best thing you can do is accept that this is over. Move on.

[Batya33]

Because you let yourself get too attached. Many people change their mind after two dates and that is why you have to watch the feet, not the lips.

[laelithia]

I understand.

 

I was once with someone who told me it wasn't me, I was perfect. BUT He didn't want me and then slept with my "best friend". of course my self esteem took a beating. But then I realized that I'm perfect in my own way and the right person will see that and I will see them and we will be in sync and we will be together. Not just in concept, but for real.

 

Sometimes it just isn't right and no amount of "perfection" in actions or personality or whatever, will make it right. That doesn't mean something is wrong with you or them, just means it wasn't meant to be.

 

Haven't you ever met a really nice person who you knew deserved the best things in life? But didn't think that person was for YOU?

 

I know a lot of nice guys who I think are genuinely wonderful. Does that mean they are ALL PERFECT FOR ME? NOPE.

 

The best thing you can do is accept that this is over. Move on.

 

Because you let yourself get too attached. Many people change their mind after two dates and that is why you have to watch the feet, not the lips.

 

When I think about it, what I am stuck on is his words and empty promises. He told me I WAS the one for him, his dream girl, that he was sure of it and nothing would change his mind. His words reassured me and were enough for me to let my guard down. He was so convincing, not just in text and other media, but also in person. He bought me sweet gifts, remembered little things I had told him, he lavished me in attention.

 

Now that all of that is gone, it feels like I did something to make it all go away, rather than it was never real or sincere in the first place. I really, really hope I get to the place one day where I don't miss it at all, where I realize that none of it was real, that he would have NEVER made a good partner, now or in the future. Here's hoping.

[Dominique]

If he can't consistently offer those things, it doesn't matter what you did or didn't do. Stop blaming yourself!!!!

 

You are beautiful and perfect just the way you are.

 

He left. Let him go.

 

He's a Popsicle. Started out attractive and whole and sweet, sooooo yummy, but then he melted and left a mess. You don't need a Popsicle. He has no substance. Pretty with no structure. You can't live off Popsicles.

[laelithia]

If he can't consistently offer those things, it doesn't matter what you did or didn't do. Stop blaming yourself!!!!

 

You are beautiful and perfect just the way you are.

 

He left. Let him go.

 

He's a Popsicle. Started out attractive and whole and sweet, sooooo yummy, but then he melted and left a mess. You don't need a Popsicle. He has no substance. Pretty with no structure. You can't live off Popsicles.

 

I laughed out loud at that metaphor! You're totally right though, even if I did do something wrong, and he didn't stick around because of that, it was doomed anyway. I can't be little miss perfect all the time!

 

Thanks, Dominique. You've really helped me through all of this