Suicide conundrum

[cryingalways]

Hi guys,

So I've been seeing this guy and it had been going incredibly well. He treats me great, we can't stop talking to each other, wanting to be together etc. Then he opened up about having had to deal with suicidal depression for a long time. Soon after this he started feeling terrible and I have been as supportive as I felt necessary but he's now gone away to his parents for the week as they're worried about him.

 

He's not someone who just talks about it either, he's genuinely tried to kill himself several times. He doesn't know why but he'll just wake up sometimes and the feeling is there. Anyway it's been very hard for me and he knows this and is trying to help himself to stop these urges.

 

He has gone pretty quiet since he's gone away though and I can't help but worry about his safety. However he did send me a message saying his family were suggesting he go traveling for a few years and that he may do that, which really upset me because I don't want to loose him. But I understand that he needs to do whatever he can to stay alive.

 

Problem is I've been getting suicidal myself now. I truly have never felt so connected to someone and this whole thing is torture. Will he live? Will he leave me? Should I walk away? The other night I was running through ways I would do it and calculating everything that looked sharp enough to cut around me. My friends are worried about me, some say I should leave him, others say I should just wait til he returns. I even sent what my "suicide note would be if I did one" to a friend....I felt so embarrassed the next day, but I suppose it was a cry for help in some way.

 

I've just never felt this way about someone, and all this suicide is ruining it. I don't know what to do.

[Ziggy123]

You should never feel so attached to someone that the thought of losing then makes you suicidal....that is a really unhealthy place to be. Sounds like you both need professional help at this point so please see a counsellor asap if you truly are feeling suicidal.

[glitterfingers]

I think often we become attracted to people who have or represent something which is deeply personal to us, even if unconscious. In this situation, it appears to be poor mental health which is both a shared experience (bonds you) and also feeds into a negative cycle of encouraging poor mental health due to being surrounded by it. The best possible thing you can do, both for you AND for him, is to get yourself into a healthy place so that you can be supportive of him. I don't think it's right to leave someone when they're in the middle of a depressive episode, unless they have become abusive or you have stopped loving them. The only other exception would be if they are making you suicidal...that might be a call to leave, but first you should try and get therapy, or approach your local mental health crisis team about the situation.

 

I would encourage you to put strong and immediate interventions in place for yourself, because what you choose to do will probably have an effect on the both of you...please choose life.

[Snny]

However he did send me a message saying his family were suggesting he go traveling for a few years and that he may do that

This will NOT help with his depression and can make it worse. He should not be alone at all. And what if he's thinking of suicide while traveling in a foreign country? His parents won't be able to reach him. It's a bad idea all around.

 

Depression is a chemical imbalance. He needs to see a professional... A psychiatrist. His family should be sending him to one before making any BIG suggestions like traveling. If his therapist says it's ok to do some traveling, then that's a completely different story. But most professional therapists will not suggest traveling for a person with suicidal thoughts.

 

 

Seeing that you BOTH are thinking of suicide, do yourself a favor and please read a recent thread of mine that shares a perspective as someone who lost a very close friend to suicide. I still haven't recovered.

 

 

Think of what could happen to your loved ones and friends when you do it... You hurt everyone connected to you. Please go contact the suicide hotline and seek counseling for this.

 

As for the boyfriend... With his depressive edge, he is not ready for a relationship. He needs to get a grip on his depression first with professional counseling. Until that happens, you need to break up and find another guy who will bring you up. They are out there, and this guy is not the one. Find someone who makes you happy.

[Nikego]

I feel suicidal a lot of the time too. You are definetely not alone. I get really attached to my love interest as well. Traveling can be refreshing but myself id need a partner and money for that.

[Snny]

I feel suicidal a lot of the time too. You are definetely not alone. I get really attached to my love interest as well.

I am sorry you feel this, but if you are thinking about it "a lot of the time," please consult a professional. Do not wait. Having suicidal thoughts are not normal and you need help.

 

Check out this website

 

Call this hotline number: 1-800-273-8255

[cryingalways]

I think you're quite right glitterfingers (great name btw).

 

And Snny I agree about the traveling not being the answer but I've said everything I could to him and he doesn't seem to be doing any of the things I suggest. I think he needs therapy, possibly anti depressants and definitely to go to his doctor. But now he's not even spoken to me for days. I can't really do anything. Just worry ☹️

 

I will work on myself though, asbest I can. For myself and for him. I just want to hear from him to know he's ok so very frustrated.

[Nikego]

Thank you for caring.

[LaHermes]

Crying:

 

You say:

 

this whole thing is torture. Will he live? Will he leave me? Should I walk away? The other night I was running through ways I would do it and calculating everything that looked sharp enough to cut around me.

 

You are right. It is torture and there is no reason you should carry on like this. And yes, you should walk away, as fast as you can.

 

This man is mentally unstable and needs professional help. It is not your job to be therapist and minder. Indeed it would seem that he needs to be committed for his own safety, from the details you tell us.

 

Walk away, OP. You can't build any kind of relationship on the shifting sands of the other person's mental illness.

[Snny]

I think he needs therapy, possibly anti depressants and definitely to go to his doctor. But now he's not even spoken to me for days. I can't really do anything. Just worry ☹️

I work in the mental health field... Usually telling someone they need medication for his/her mental distress will rarely go well. It's a very touchy subject. Some people will get very offended by being told they need to be medicated from somebody who isn't a doctor, and think "great, they don't trust me to handle it. They think I'm psychotic that I need meds."

 

I would of left it as "Why not get a second opinion from a therapist? I'm sure they have some coping ideas to help you out! Let's give it a try just to see where it goes." It is the therapist's job to suggest and prescribe medication if he/she feel he needs it, not yours.

 

 

Honestly, you have done everything you could. It is up to him to decide how he will handle his depression, but his resorting to silent treatment is a major red flag. Not only do you not know he's going to kill himself, but it's a terrible way to treat your partner in a relationship. My first boyfriend was suicidal and behaved the same way as your current boyfriend is... it ended very horribly.

 

This guy is going to emotionally drain you in your relationship with him, and you are already getting sucked into depression just by being around him. This is not a healthy relationship at all. You need to get out of this, and one of the best ways is to break up... Do this when you have a therapist appointment.

[limichelle]

Hi,

 

I suffer from a major mental illness and depression is a big part of it. Although I am stable and I take medication every day for it. No way would I personally get into dating someone or a relationship if I wasn't stable. It takes two whole people not two halves of each person to make a relationship work.

 

Think about that.

 

Lisa

[glitterfingers]

This will NOT help with his depression and can make it worse. He should not be alone at all. And what if he's thinking of suicide while traveling in a foreign country? His parents won't be able to reach him. It's a bad idea all around.

 

Depression is a chemical imbalance. He needs to see a professional... A psychiatrist. His family should be sending him to one before making any BIG suggestions like traveling. If his therapist says it's ok to do some traveling, then that's a completely different story. But most professional therapists will not suggest traveling for a person with suicidal thoughts.

 

 

Seeing that you BOTH are thinking of suicide, do yourself a favor and please read a recent thread of mine that shares a perspective as someone who lost a very close friend to suicide. I still haven't recovered.

 

 

Think of what could happen to your loved ones and friends when you do it... You hurt everyone connected to you. Please go contact the suicide hotline and seek counseling for this.

 

As for the boyfriend... With his depressive edge, he is not ready for a relationship. He needs to get a grip on his depression first with professional counseling. Until that happens, you need to break up and find another guy who will bring you up. They are out there, and this guy is not the one. Find someone who makes you happy.

 

I agree with some of this, but just want to put a couple of points there to consider. The relationship itself sounds somewhat codependent, and without addressing mental health prior to ending the relationship, the underlying issues of either party may simply be exacerbated by the heartbreak. It takes a mentally sound and healthy person to deal with relationships ending in a healthy way - and many people end up becoming depressed and anxious as a result. It is not uncommon for such things to drive already fragile people over the edge. Thus my first aim would be distance and therapy (which hopefully this guy will do for himself too). I don't think the OP should be in a rush to leave unless she feels this will immediately improve her mental health - perhaps better to have a support network in place before making any major decisions?

 

Also, not to discredit that he likely does need to be admitted to a hospital for observation and medicinal administration... but I was suicidal in 2013 and my partner at the time convinced me to take a few months off to travel. It did wonders for my mental health - it quite possibly saved my life (at least for some time). Having an 'escape' to look forward to that was something I'd never tried before or thought I could really enjoy took my mind away from the other 'escape' I was considering. If his parents are willing to foot the financial burden, this may indeed be very helpful. Getting a person out of their natural environment, with all the relationship/occupational/financial stressors that come along with it, can create enough of a shift in their mental state to help them get a handle on things to see there's more to life and a reason to keep living (the best is yet to come). It isn't a permanent fix, but if he's more open to this than to medication and therapy, I wouldn't so quickly discount it. If it's what he wants to do, that shows that he does want to live and gives him a reason to do so

[Snny]

The relationship itself sounds somewhat codependent, and without addressing mental health prior to ending the relationship, the underlying issues of either party may simply be exacerbated by the heartbreak. It takes a mentally sound and healthy person to deal with relationships ending in a healthy way - and many people end up becoming depressed and anxious as a result.

I did not say it would be easy. Break ups are difficult to process for ANYONE- not just for suicidal people. It is going to be painful, but that's why I suggested counseling. Already the OP is in more pain just for staying with him- and it's going to continue.

 

I don't think the OP should be in a rush to leave unless she feels this will immediately improve her mental health

Her staying with a person who is contemplating/attempting suicide is already influencing her to kill herself. She mentioned this in her thread and she is in a dangerous situation if she planned to end her life by being in this relationship. This is why I strongly suggested she ends the relationship and seeks professional help before she is driven to actually do it.

 

If his parents are willing to foot the financial burden, this may indeed be very helpful. Getting a person out of their natural environment, with all the relationship/occupational/financial stressors that come along with it, can create enough of a shift in their mental state to help them get a handle on things to see there's more to life and a reason to keep living (the best is yet to come).

It's great that it worked for you, but it may not necessarily work for him. I've known someone who traveled/taught in a foreign country and attempted suicide.

 

None of us really know who her boyfriend is or what are his triggers of the suicidal thoughts. We cannot exactly say that traveling will help him 100% without seeking a professional opinion first. He needs to talk to a therapist FIRST before he goes in this trip- especially if he's going alone.

[nsolo]

"Problem is I've been getting suicidal myself now. I truly have never felt so connected to someone and this whole thing is torture. Will he live? Will he leave me? Should I walk away?"

 

You have to take care of yourself and fight for your own survival, as we all do in this world. Since you've gotten to know this guy, you're thinking about killing yourself. Yes, that is not good, and I'd separate myself from the situation by starting to see others I'm attracted to in order to get my mind off this person some and back to a healthier place. Also, getting professional help isn't a bad idea. If you're in college, you should have a student health center where there are psychologists and therapists. If not, you may have to pay some to get help, but go and get it if you really feel down in the dumps like it sounds like you do.

[cryingalways]

I'm 31...I'm not at university.

 

It's just a very hard situation to be in but I this is because I care about him a lot so I'm gonna keep myself together and just see what happens for now.

 

I'm not giving up on someone I was very happy with because he's having a hard time. I just need to make sure I'm mentally strong. I'll be ok. It's just hard.

[chitown9]

With an avatar of "crying always" I doubt that you are ok. chi

[glitterfingers]

I did not say it would be easy. Break ups are difficult to process for ANYONE- not just for suicidal people. It is going to be painful, but that's why I suggested counseling. Already the OP is in more pain just for staying with him- and it's going to continue.

 

 

Her staying with a person who is contemplating/attempting suicide is already influencing her to kill herself. She mentioned this in her thread and she is in a dangerous situation if she planned to end her life by being in this relationship. This is why I strongly suggested she ends the relationship and seeks professional help before she is driven to actually do it.

 

 

It's great that it worked for you, but it may not necessarily work for him. I've known someone who traveled/taught in a foreign country and attempted suicide.

 

None of us really know who her boyfriend is or what are his triggers of the suicidal thoughts. We cannot exactly say that traveling will help him 100% without seeking a professional opinion first. He needs to talk to a therapist FIRST before he goes in this trip- especially if he's going alone.

 

I have to say I agree with you for the most part, it's just quite clear to me that the OP is unwilling to do this at this point and needs to be surrounded by support first and foremost so she can make rational decisions about her own wellbeing. Despite your sound logic, OP sounds resistant to taking that far of a leap - needs to prise apart the mental health issues and dependency issues first (I'm thinking baby steps). Ultimately once she has a healthy attitude towards this situation, she will realise that the ease at which they can negatively influence each other is going to make the relationship unviable (OP - sort of like how you wouldn't put two people with cystic fibrosis together at the same time because of the risk of cross-infection, so you wouldn't want two people with suicidal ideation to be joined at the hip...)

 

What this guy and his family decide to do about his mental health seems completely out of our influence/control

[nsolo]

I'm not giving up on someone I was very happy with because he's having a hard time. ""

[nsolo]

"I'm not giving up on someone I was very happy with because he's having a hard time. "

 

Your reluctance to "give up" on this guy is admirable, but it hardly seems prudent to put your own mental health at stake.

[Snny]

If you're in college, you should have a student health center where there are psychologists and therapists.

Some employers also offer counseling programs. I'm using mine to help me overcome my friend's suicide. Counseling is out there- you have to actively seek it.

 

It's just a very hard situation to be in but I this is because I care about him a lot so I'm gonna keep myself together and just see what happens for now.

 

I'm not giving up on someone I was very happy with because he's having a hard time. I just need to make sure I'm mentally strong. I'll be ok. It's just hard.

You aren't very happy with him if you're having thoughts about taking your own life. If a person has brought you so far down to this level of thinking, then he is not good for you.

 

You absolutely need professional counseling- especially if you are questioning your own "mental strength." Do not wait this out. Please talk to your doctor to start the appointment, because there maybe a month or two waiting period to see a therapist. You are in a very self-destructive relationship with this man and are in no mental capacity to help him if he is influencing you to commit suicide.

 

It doesn't seem this forum can help you with your problem since you aren't taking any advice offered here. And I can't fully help you as it is when I am coping with a suicide that immensely affected me. In the meantime:

Check out this website

 

Call this hotline number: 1-800-273-8255

Take care.

[Snny]

I have to say I agree with you for the most part, it's just quite clear to me that the OP is unwilling to do this at this point and needs to be surrounded by support first and foremost so she can make rational decisions about her own wellbeing.

How is her boyfriend a "support system" if he is convincing her of suicide? In a way, she is in a life threatening situation. He's not supporting her in anyway if he's talking about traveling on his own and also making plans of taking his own life.

 

Let's look at the OP's post again:

He's not someone who just talks about it either, he's genuinely tried to kill himself several times. He doesn't know why but he'll just wake up sometimes and the feeling is there. Anyway it's been very hard for me and he knows this and is trying to help himself to stop these urges.

 

Problem is I've been getting suicidal myself now. I truly have never felt so connected to someone and this whole thing is torture.

... The other night I was running through ways I would do it and calculating everything that looked sharp enough to cut around me. My friends are worried about me, some say I should leave him, others say I should just wait til he returns. I even sent what my "suicide note would be if I did one" to a friend...

 

She has contemplated on killing herself. She also wrote a suicide note. Her most reliable support system (friends and family) are even echoing my suggestion. These are very serious signs that she needs to get the hell out of this relationship NOW. She needs a therapist immediately. Telling a person to stay in a relationship that is causing significant mental distress is not giving constructive advice.

 

Suicide is a vicious cycle. People who are close to someone that committed suicide actually have a HIGHER CHANCE of killing themselves too. Something to think about.

[glitterfingers]

How is her boyfriend a "support system" if he is convincing her of suicide? In a way, she is in a life threatening situation. He's not supporting her in anyway if he's talking about traveling on his own and also making plans of taking his own life.

 

Let's look at the OP's post again:

[/b]

 

She has contemplated on killing herself. She also wrote a suicide note. Her most reliable support system (friends and family) are even echoing my suggestion. These are very serious signs that she needs to get the hell out of this relationship NOW. She needs a therapist immediately. Telling a person to stay in a relationship that is causing significant mental distress is not giving constructive advice.

 

Suicide is a vicious cycle. People who are close to someone that committed suicide actually have a HIGHER CHANCE of killing themselves too. Something to think about.

 

Snny, I appreciate that you're struggling with the loss of a friend and that must be extremely difficult, this topic must be triggering for you. But you're misinterpreting what I've said, which is that the OP needs to get professional support and help for her mental health before she will have the strength to leave the relationship and cope with the issues she is facing. The OP has agreed with this herself and seems willing to do this, which is only good news. I personally wouldn't stress her with any other focus right now than to enlist the support that she requires to get herself on an even keel. She will leave when she is ready to do so. That's all I am saying

 

OP, the message here is very clear from everyone: Please make yourself a priority

[cryingalways]

Update:

We met up and he's made a plan for what he's going to do now and seems better. He's sorted out what he wants to do with his life: job, some small trips abroad, career. And he was very thankful that I gave him his time alone to sort this out. It has been incredibly difficult not knowing if he's ok while he was away but when I actually asked (cause I was trying to give space) he would respond and let me know. He just doesn't want to be this way (depressed) with me, but we've spoken about it more now and I feel less anxious about it all. Now that he seems to be getting a grip on his life. I had reached a point where I was accepting of my life alone without him but I am happy we are getting in well and things may work out. I think we help each other actually, just when we're honest with each other. We'll see how it goes but I will be staying on top of my mental health and if things get too much again I will re think. But I reckon we've both learnt a lot from this experience.