No contact- what are your REAL reasons for it?

[Codi88]

I am currently in No Contact- most posts I read talk about No Contact but don't always say why they are initiating it... in some cases it is because the person is trying to GENUINELY move on but often this isn't the case. For me personally, it's a bit of both. I am trying to move on, but at the same time, I can't help but wonder if having space from my ex can be a positive thing and perhaps it will bring us to a point where we could consider starting afresh.

I'm just curious to see other's thoughts on this as I read about NC on here all the time so I wonder why you would genuinely (Be honest) initiate it and what the outcome is. In my experience, my ex and I have been here before and anytime I have enforced NC, he usually contacts me with a change of heart. We were together for 5 years and deep down I still hold a flame for us. Neither of us are dating (as far as he's told me, I could be wrong but I doubt it).

 

At this point I genuinely do not have an expectation. It's more hope than expecting anything. So like I said, I have stopped contacting him and stopped him from seeing anything I'm doing (without blocking him) as a way of helping this process be easier. We haven't managed to have a single conversation since our split that hasn't resulted in an argument so this was the best move I could make, I think.

 

I know I've gone on a lot but I do want to get back to my original point about why some of you initiate No Contact...

[Wolfboy702]

For me, I tried being just friends for a while but I couldn't seperate the part of myself that loved her from the rest of me. Every time I saw her I would be happy for hours off the endorphine rush and then I would crash and be miserable for days until i next saw her. It was literally like a drug addiction and the only way to get better was to quit the drug, her.

 

Others may have different reasons but I'd argue unless you can make peace with yourself and him/her no-contact is of the most effective ways to get over someone, at least partially.

[Codi88]

Well, I completely understand that. I already told him in one of our last conversations after he said we could remain friends, that I don't know if that is possible as I am still in love with him and I miss him. And I'm not even sure if he himself would be able to be my 'friend' as he has admitted several times he loves and misses me too. But despite all of that, he has told me to leave him alone and for the first time, I am 100% following through on that. If that brings him back, then great, but I don't expect anything anymore. If he moves on and meets someone who treats him well, it would really hurt but I would still be happy for him. And I mean that. I'm trying really hard to be mature and just let things be whatever they will be. I know it may come across like I'm holding on but I have let him go. It's taken 6 months but I have let go so that we BOTH can figure ourselves out, because I think that was an issue for years. We got together in our early 20's and I've realised sometimes it's easy to got lost in a relationship and not see yourself. If we realise life apart is better, than I guess that's just what it will be. Who knows. Time will tell.

[Batya33]

I did it for different reasons at different times. It was always partly so I could move on. It also was to see how much I missed the person and to give the other person space in the hopes that person would want to reconcile. I am thankful that the last time I did it there was no social media. There was instant messenger where I could see if he was active or not and that was hard but I can imagine it must be hard with Facebook, etc.

[faraday]

The only time I ever intentionally went no contact (I had never heard of it before) was because I was done. It had been an on again, off again relationship where we continually hurt each other to the point where I just knew in depths of my being that...he wasn't "it" for me. He wasn't my "the one". I just knew there was someone else out there for me...someone that I wouldn't fight with constantly...someone who would always try to see the best in me (and me in him)...someone that liked me AND loved me (my ex loved me but I don't really think he liked me if that makes any sense). Every time we split up, we got back together again because we tried to stay friends. I finally hit the point where I was so done. I wanted to get married, have a child...and I already knew where staying with my ex would end up. I'd been down that road.

 

We both went no contact for about a year. I'm married to the first guy I seriously dated after him (we're coming up to our one year anniversary in a few weeks) and my ex got married last weekend to the first person he seriously dated after we split.

 

Life worked out. We needed to get out of the pattern and get over each other. He's now a friend on fb...and I don't care about him. If he unfriended me...it wouldn't matter, it would probably take a while to notice. But we had to get to that point of indifference before we could talk again. And now 4 years post break up...I'm genuinely happy for him...and so thankful it turned out the way it did.

[Ziggy123]

I'm in no contact right now and it is helping so much for me to move on. I wish I had done is right after the break up so I recommend it. I think it's the best idea, either you move on or your ex starts to miss you and come back. If you keep bugging them they will just get annoyed usually.

[Bob2526]

I agree with wolfboy. I tried to stay in touch with her and we exchanged text messages but it wasn't helping me at all. I'd see her at work and we talked like our past did not happen and it's like she was already moving on. I was going through such a hard time with depression, weight loss, problems sleeping and just trying to figure out why I could not do better. I cut off contact for about two weeks and she called out of nowhere and kept it strictly work related. She ended up getting another job and I have been in no contact since. I don't have a Facebook and never followed her Instagram. The only time I'd hear of her was through friends and she made it a point to get to me that she was dating a co worker and I informed them not to tell me who he is or what's going on in her life. I went no contact because I couldn't move on and also thought that maybe with time apart we could come back together or I could heal and look at the relationship and ask myself if we were really good together. It's been almost 6 months since the break up, 4 months no contact and I've dated a few people since and I can see that maybe we just were compatible and I know now that I wasn't truly happy. I still think of her almost every day but it's mostly of something that just reminds me of her. It's doesn't last long and then I just move on. I'm sure with a little more time, this too will begin to fade to where I will be indifferent to the whole thing. Indifference is where I hope to get soon.

My only regret is not going no contact immediately after the break up.

 

Like wolfboy wrote, my ex was truly like a drug and without it, I was lost. I look back and wonder how I could get so down and depressed. Time really does heal if you allow it to. It's gets better.

[MyLifeMyChoice]

I'm on NC with my most recent ex because I want to preserve what dignity I have left. I never chased him or anything, but it was an on again off again relationship for 1.5 years, with 1 yr of living together. The past couple of times we "called it quits" I was always the one who wanted to work things out and get back together. I'm not doing that anymore. I don't want to force myself onto someone who didn't earn it and who is showing little effort to make the relationship work. It's hard, but NC is the only way I can 1) test whether he will make an effort and 2) slowly move on with my life

[Brokentofu]

I initiated NC with my ex, currently on Day 9. I initiated partly because I wanted him to see a world without me, and also at the same time let myself withdraw from him. It was been difficult the first few days, but it seems to be getting better. Tho I'm not sure if it's only better because he's been sending me random messages and called me a few times, and I have ignored all of those. It gives me a sense of having power back in my hands....and it proves he does miss me to some extent.

[goleta805]

I initiated no contact because my ex blocked me on almost everything so if she had the audacity to block me after cheating on me and blaming the whole relationship on me then I don't need someone like that in my life. I did try being friends with her, but she became less attractive in my eyes when she told me she's been banging other dudes since we broke up. And I'm cool with that, I've learned that you cannot control what people do. It's beyond your reach so I tell myself that everyday. She is who she is and I couldn't change that so I don't know why I tried. If she's happy where she's at then I'm happy for her, I'll be sending her good vibes for her birthday too, but that's as far as it goes. I ain't gonna reach out to a cold hearted person. I got other ish to worry about.

[Bob2526]

Hey goleta same here. My exs bday is coming up and I thought about texting or calling her to wish her a happy bday. Not going to though. She gave me my best bday ever last year and well I should t feel guilty. She left and I understood. Just going to have some drinks and send those vibes.

[cleo123]

I initially started no contact to heal but in hopes he would miss me, more so in hopes he'd miss me. He did tell me he missed me a month later but still didn't want to get back together. And I think after 2 months, all hope was completely lost. I know you should do no contact solely to help you heal, but I'm sure we've all done it with the underlying hope they'd come back for you. Anyways, the healing aspect worked, athoughg it's taken quite some time. It's been 4 months now and I'm in a happy place but it still hurts. I'm also a bit afraid that no contact has caused him to forget all about me. I still can't believe we haven't spoken a word to each other in 4 months. Man I miss him

[RKO]

Day 2 of NC for me after breaking up on Friday. 100% doing it in the hope it's brings her back.

[Scotty123]

Someone mentioned preserving dignity, for me that was important. After being dumped I will never go chasing after some one. I want to home my head up high and get on with my own life. And for me it definetly helps the healing process. As I have blocked her from everything I know I can't hear from her which suits me well

 

It's been 3 months and I have only contacted her by mail about her coming to pick up stuff from my house. I had blocked her on everything but somehow she manage to phone my mobile and left a voice mail .... she couldn't believe I had blocked her and she just wanted to hear my voice !!! Yeah right !! What that really translates to is I can't believe you can cope without me and why are you not running after me.

 

I would always encourage folk to do NC as it's the only way to heal.

[pettypink]

For me, it's a bunch of reasons. One, I don't want to hear about them moving on in any way - it hurts too much. I don't want to see them liking other girls' pictures, or have them tell me they went on a date or whatever. Getting constant reminders of them is detrimental to my healing, and I don't want them to see me when I'm that vulnerable.

 

Secondly, I'm also a fairly intense and private person with my social circle - if a partner doesn't want to be with me, they get NO part of me; no following my life on social media, no texts, no talking or friendship, no emotional support, no catchup coffees, nothing. It's all in or nothing. I don't want to read into any of these attempts (which I know I would do) and hurt myself more.

 

Third, I want to try to move on with dignity - I don't chase after someone who doesn't think I'm worth a relationship anymore.

 

Fourth, a part of me wants to know if they will miss me.

 

It's important to note, I wasn't close friends with any of my exes before we started dating, so to start a friendship afterwards seems a little weird to me (especially if there are feelings there).

[WombatShadow]

I did No Contact strictly to heal, but in my situation I decided it wasn't worth continuing. This was someone with whom I have been friends far longer than I have been lovers, and frankly I'm still toying with the idea of reconciliation. In my mind, shutting someone out in the hope that they come back is incredibly manipulative.

[Batya33]

No contact is not shutting someone out. You tell the person why you need space from them and the conditions under which you are willing to be in contact (i.e. if the person wants to reconcile for the right reasons for example). No need to be cruel -just assertive self-care.

[Codi88]

Thanks, all of these comments gave me a lot of insight and food for thought. It's coming up 2 weeks and there has been literally no contact whatsoever. I've been feeling positive about my healing process and gradually becoming more and more able to accept whatever the future holds. Not to say it isn't hard, but it's getting easier each day.

[Adriana7]

Well a year ago I did no contact and I did it to the tenth power, my then bf who I got back with and just broke up again sadly started to park on the side of the roads and visit the neighbor who is his best friend. He did it so much eventually we reconciled. I have to mention we have a daughter so that made it worse. My advice is when you do it stick to it. Heal. I didn't after four months of sticking to it and broke because we are addicted to one another sadly. It's harder when u have kids but it can be done

[AvoidantsNoMas]

After getting many mixed signals from a woman I had been with for three months, I decided to give her "the speech" saying that I felt she needed to go off on her own and decide what she wants, and that I deserved to be with a woman who was 100% sure she wanted to have a relationship. Her response was basically, "I don't really know what to say." This is a woman who clearly has a fearful avoidant attachment style, who is 42 years old, never been married, still a virgin, whose last relationship was five years ago with a recovering drug addict (so, not a good one).

 

Though I didn't really say NC, that seems to be how she is taking it - I have heard nothing from her since. Except for one text message telling me she is taking a job overseas and wanted to know what I had decided since I was applying for a job in the same city… I told her I had not decided yet.

 

My motivation was to get her to decide if she wanted to be in a relationship with me. It was my hope, and I told her such, that she would decide to be with me. I am trying to decide if I should stay NC and just move on. We both love each other and had been saying so over the past few months. I'm very confused.

[KidInTheHall]

Currently on day 2 of NC. I of course did plea and beg but she moved onto someone else within 48 hours of our break up after knowing him a week. We were together 2 1/2 years. I'm doing NC cause I hope it's a rebound and that we can get back together but also because I do need to focus on myself, my personal life has suffered a bit due to some issues I've been having mentally. I have an appointment to see a behavioral specialist on the 27th that I am really looking forward to. If I'm going to be good for either my ex or anyone in the future then I need to take care of myself and take control of only what I have control of, my own self.