Can you really get back with an ex?

[bbogdanov]

Me and my ex broke up 6 months ago. While I still have some feelings for her and would love to get back with her, I feel like there are two persons in me fighting with each other. Don't get me wrong, but I am confused.

 

- Part of me desperately wants her, I miss the old times and totally ignore everything that I didn't like about her; I totally ignore the fact that she left me as she fell out of love with me

 

- The other part imagines her somehow magically returning and this makes me wonder about that hypothetical situation: she wants to get back with me, but what do I do then? I feel anger towards her as she left me and made me suffer so hard; I feel betrayed and all the trust between us is gone, I can't be sure that she will not do the same in the future (if it happens it will be 10 times harder for me then)

 

In brief - however much I love her and want to get back with her, I hate her for leaving and betraying me and don't know if I will be ever able to "swallow" that...

 

So how do I cope with that constant battle in my mind? It tires me a lot and I feel so exhausted. This love/hate feeelings don't do any good to me

[boltnrun]

Has she given enough you any indication whatsoever that she wants to get back together?

[bbogdanov]

I don't know. We exchange some words from time to time but I avoid interpreting anything, just a couple of polite sentences, nothing special. Never mind - the situation with us getting back together is purely hypothetical (I believe it is just in my dreams). But that's what I am confused about - as much as I dream about this happening, want it desperately and so on, I can't imagine forgiving her as the trust is gone. These love/hate fight in me is what I want to get rid of. Because she will never get back with me and even if she does - I think I couldn't do it, I am so hurt...

[Tomthumb88]

Obviously it's possible if both are willing to communicate and work together. Key in this, however, is that both are willing. Right now you're just playing mental gymnastics probably to your own detriment. I'd either contact her and ask if she'd like to reconnect or stop thinking about it and move forward

[bbogdanov]

You are 100% right about the mental gymnastics, and that's what I want to get rid of, as it exhausts me a lot. Like I said - I want to get back with her (part of me) but I can't directly ask her as I tried a lot in the previous months to no avail. Now I am just happy to be on good terms with her. I try to not contact her but sometimes I am too weak and message her.

[Lostinlove31]

You should go no contact and see if she contacts you. That to me is a good test to see where you stand. My ex contacted me for months and then just stopped.

 

See if she can go no contact.

[Lostinlove31]

Also getting back means dealing with those emotions of betrayal and trust. When ever there is a breakup especially an unclear one trust is normally damaged.

[bbogdanov]

I try to stay in NC, but I can't manage it for more than 3-4 weeks. I am checking her viber occasionally and I miss her. The last time she had put a new picture and I felt sad for not being part of her life anymore. I told her she was beautiful, pathetic me... Our breakup was clear, but I really feel the trust is damaged.

[Lostinlove31]

And you keep contacting her. How can she miss what you gave her if you're still giving it to her. Give her the gift of missing you.

 

You need to do NC much longer beyond that. Stop checking on her as well. She needs to contact you.

[Waraqqa]

Hi bbogdanov,

 

I can understand the mental gymnastics, as I've gone through it, too - and still do. I've also had stages (like the five stages of grief, from denial, bargaining, anger, grief, etc), and not in a linear way, but all over the place and going back and forth.

 

With regards to anger and feeling betrayed - from your earlier posts (e.g. some in April), I recall that at that time you took most responsibility upon yourself? I remember you saying that she fell out of love as a consequence of you taking her for granted, or complaining about her job that she didn't give you enough time or something? So, when you remember that part, do you still feel angry?

(it is not a provocation or to make you feel guilty, but just an observation and perhaps for you to remember how you felt then and now, and does it still feel angry then, or change to a calm sadness?)

 

In my case, the anger phase (at times resurfacing) is illogical, but I still feel it sometimes. I know the break-up and him falling out of love was also because I took him for granted, and during long-distance phase when he was busy, I kept eating his brain to give me more time and attention that he used to give when we were local.

So, I know that it was my shortcomings and my temporary craziness at the time. But yes, occasionally I also feel angry, like why did he love me so much before and "made me fall for him", and then fell out of love himself, leaving me in this pain. It does make one feel like not trusting whether love can endure. But our exes had their reasons...

 

These are just my two cents. I know we have different situations, but sometimes I can relate to some of your phases and gymnastics. It can be so difficult to snap out of it, those negative or painful thoughts that start from the morning and follow you around.

 

However, since there is no strong indication that she'd want to get back together with you in the first place, why go with that thought train? For me, that particular train, sadly, does not seem possible at all, whether I'd go back with him or not.

[bbogdanov]

I don't think she will ever miss me. She is a serious person and had fought for our relationship before making her final decision. She was hard as rock about it so everything is lost.

 

I know that but I am still struggling to accept the situation and I am still keeping a little bit of hope. The worst thing is that I am constantly checking on her in Viber and FB and everytime I see a new picture, a new post, I become very sad. I see her enjoying her "new" life, going on vacations, being happy etc. While I sit there like the biggest loser in the world that is not worthy of anything and grieve.

[bbogdanov]

Hi bbogdanov,

 

I can understand the mental gymnastics, as I've gone through it, too - and still do. I've also had stages (like the five stages of grief, from denial, bargaining, anger, grief, etc), and not in a linear way, but all over the place and going back and forth.

 

With regards to anger and feeling betrayed - from your earlier posts (e.g. some in April), I recall that at that time you took most responsibility upon yourself? I remember you saying that she fell out of love as a consequence of you taking her for granted, or complaining about her job that she didn't give you enough time or something? So, when you remember that part, do you still feel angry?

(it is not a provocation or to make you feel guilty, but just an observation and perhaps for you to remember how you felt then and now, and does it still feel angry then, or change to a calm sadness?)

 

In my case, the anger phase (at times resurfacing) is illogical, but I still feel it sometimes. I know the break-up and him falling out of love was also because I took him for granted, and during long-distance phase when he was busy, I kept eating his brain to give me more time and attention that he used to give when we were local.

So, I know that it was my shortcomings and my temporary craziness at the time. But yes, occasionally I also feel angry, like why did he love me so much before and "made me fall for him", and then fell out of love himself, leaving me in this pain. It does make one feel like not trusting whether love can endure. But our exes had their reasons...

 

These are just my two cents. I know we have different situations, but sometimes I can relate to some of your phases and gymnastics. It can be so difficult to snap out of it, those negative or painful thoughts that start from the morning and follow you around.

 

However, since there is no strong indication that she'd want to get back together with you in the first place, why go with that thought train? For me, that particular train, sadly, does not seem possible at all, whether I'd go back with him or not.

 

Yes, I still take most of the responsibility upon myself, but not THAT much, like before (thanks for reading my older posts about the situation). I think a couple of months ago I was blaming myself TOO much for the breakup. I am responsible for my part of it but now I am thinking more realistically. I am not the worst person in the world, I have not cheated on her, it was never problem for me that she was short-tempered, she was always treated like a princess in my family (she spent much time with us), etc. etc. I mean I gave her all I could at the time, I invested my time and money. That's where my anger comes from. I now feel like she didn't appreciate me and my family and it is like an insult to me. I am not saying these things are true, I just feel them that way at the moment. Only an outsider will be able to view things as they are. My opinion will always be biased - whether blaming myself and taking the whole responsibility (like a couple of months ago) or the complete opposite like now (the hate and anger I feel towards her for not being able to love me as I am).

 

You are completely right that this anger is illogical, I don't want to be angry at people or hate them. Yet this is a reality for me now. And of course - our exes had their reasons...

[Waraqqa]

I don't think she will ever miss me. She is a serious person and had fought for our relationship before making her final decision. She was hard as rock about it so everything is lost.

 

I know that but I am still struggling to accept the situation and I am still keeping a little bit of hope. The worst thing is that I am constantly checking on her in Viber and FB and everytime I see a new picture, a new post, I become very sad. I see her enjoying her "new" life, going on vacations, being happy etc. While I sit there like the biggest loser in the world that is not worthy of anything and grieve.

 

I can totally relate to that - my ex is a man of his word, something I actually respect about him, but in this situation it makes it harder. He kept his promises to me about all kinds of things, big or small, and didn't make promises that he wasn't sure he wouldn't be able to keep. A very reliable man. With such people, there is not much wiggle room. They try, they fight, but when they reach their breaking point and throw in the towel, usually it means that this is it. It is also hard for me to think about. As ironic or contradictory as it may sound, it would actually be easier to let go of him and move on if I could still hope that there is a small part of him that could love me again. But not realistically...

 

 

As for Facebook - that is one advantage that I have, he barely uses it, so there are no posts or anything. Look, I know these things can be awkward, but I strongly advise you to not do the Facebook thing. If you think that unfriending her may be too awkward or uncomfortable or seem hostile or something, at the very least UNFOLLOW her, so that way you don't keep coming across her posts all the time. One of my previous exes was big on Facebook, and 1) it made it harder to get over him, b/c he'd post nice photos about his nice life; and 2) at some point it turned into a near-narcissistic competition where we both were showing off to each other trying to pretend whose life was nicer now. NOT HEALTHY.

 

So, first unfollow her. If you find yourself falling too much into temptation to check out her page even if she doesn't appear in your feed, take a break from FB. Just go off of it for a few weeks, and see how you feel. Let your regular friends know that you are taking a break and are best reachable by email or whatever.

 

You could also delete the conversation history on Viber. That way you don't block her or lose her number, but at least you don't see her stuff all the time.

[Waraqqa]

Yes, I still take most of the responsibility upon myself, but not THAT much, like before (thanks for reading my older posts about the situation). I think a couple of months ago I was blaming myself TOO much for the breakup. I am responsible for my part of it but now I am thinking more realistically. I am not the worst person in the world, I have not cheated on her, it was never problem for me that she was short-tempered, she was always treated like a princess in my family (she spent much time with us), etc. etc. I mean I gave her all I could at the time, I invested my time and money. That's where my anger comes from. I now feel like she didn't appreciate me and my family and it is like an insult to me. I am not saying these things are true, I just feel them that way at the moment. Only an outsider will be able to view things as they are. My opinion will always be biased - whether blaming myself and taking the whole responsibility (like a couple of months ago) or the complete opposite like now (the hate and anger I feel towards her for not being able to love me as I am).

 

You are completely right that this anger is illogical, I don't want to be angry at people or hate them. Yet this is a reality for me now. And of course - our exes had their reasons...

 

I think that your level of internal honesty and self-awareness is great. You observe what you feel without overidentifying with it or acting out on it. And also you talk to us about it rather than pretend that you don't feel it.

I've been trying to do that too. I wish I had done it before we broke up - had I not acted out on my anger, there still could've been a chance. But I learn what I can.

 

I started noticing that a lot of negative feelings come and go, and after some time, some of them gradually dissolve or soften. Again, I wish I had been more patient and non-reactive back in the day, and some of the damage would've been averted.

 

As for responsibility, my situation is different, cuz I messed up big time (went into a crazy place due to a trauma from previous r-ship). But it's good that you don't take up the whole responsibility but realise that generally it is two people, and usually neither are an angel or devil...

[bbogdanov]

My ex is not so active in FB when it comes to sharing, she mostly uses it for reading. We are not friends there, I deleted her a long time ago. Our conversation in Viber, though, is still there and maybe I have to delete it, like you said, as to not be tempted to constantly check up on her profile.

 

I've never been angry in our relationship. I was dissatisfied with some things and we fought about them, but I am a person which rarely bursts with anger. I meet tough situations calmly while she is short-tempered to some extent (although she quickly gets over it, she is not a resentful person).

 

Me and you obviously share similar stories. Being told "I don't love you anymore" is one of the worst things a person can hear. I've had some heartbreaks during the past, but this sentence, coming from a person which shared a life with you for years, is something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy...

[Waraqqa]

Indeed. One can feel totally unprepared to face someone's feelings changing like that. Or sometimes it happens gradually, which can be even worse, when you suspect and wonder and linger. When it came down, it felt like the ground was going from under my feet. Someone who used to adore you and give all that love and warmth, and then not wanting you anymore - it feels terrible. The contrast is the worst and feels like: hey, you tricked me into that love and then took it away (even if they had a very good reason). Do you ever feel that?

 

Most this week I was feeling sad'n'sweet with inmix of regret; but today I feel angry and resentful inside. Last year as we were getting together, I was cautious and sometimes I needed space and distance/quiet to digest things. He'd sometimes get really angry about my "aloofness", and then I gave him more attention and went into things faster than I was ready for.

 

But when his situation changed and he needed time and space to figure things out, I was supposed to be understanding and give him space. At first it was mostly situational. And then I had angry outbursts (which sadly a particular email killed things when something could've still been saved), as I felt insecure and resentful that he expected me to be understanding when previously he had not extended the similar understanding and space and trust to me.

 

In the old days, I didn't want him to feel bad and gave him more time and attention; but in the end I got dumped and have to respect his space. I know it is childish, but it just feels so unfair

[ShatteredMan]

OP: The best things I did during my recovery was to disable FB and uninstall Viber. Social media became a massive anxiety trigger due to the need to creep my ex. It's an electronic ball-and-chain when you're trying to heal. Get rid of it. Your life will be just fine without it.

 

As a result, I don't miss FB or any social media at all. Anyone who is important in my life knows how to get ahold of me if they need me.