Soulmate or Psychopath!?

[Cornelius37]

Hello everyone who might be interested,

 

I'd like to post this anonymously as I'm sure my partner would be very pissed off to find this.

 

This is really difficult to talk about but I've been in a relationship for 4 years now with this girl and it's hard to write without sounding like a misogynist, but she's a bit nuts. If I'm wrong, please correct me as I'm asking for advice because I really, really love her, but I'm not sure if she's truly serious about us anymore or if she's just keeping me around for other reasons, reasons I'm not clear on.

 

I'll try to make this short. Here are some highlighted events throughout our relationship that makes me scratch my head:

 

Firstly, she has hacked into my email, my facebook and even my banking without my consent and she has made her own crazy conclusions to things she doesn't even understand. She accuses me frequently that I'm cheating on her with girls on facebook. She's completely taken control of a lot of things in my life. Given the opportunity to hack into my accounts she will still take it to look for some kind of "dirt" or information she could find to make her own crazy assumptions and then accuses me of the most absurd things.

She's made me delete hundreds of really good friends of mine on facebook who caused no harm to her or me ever, who she didn't even know, calling them "scumbags" and "pieces of ". The other day I noticed her and this indian guy are always reacting on facebook to each other's photos with these love (heart) reacts, and as a man I feel he has other intentions and that their long-distance friendship is not healthy for our relationship, so we had a stupid fight over facebook (I know right?), where I told her to delete that guy seeing that she didn't even know him personally and met him on facebook anyways. She threw a big fit and deactivated her profile until the next day, saying that I don't allow her to have friends, which is complete nonsense. The next day she activated her profile again and he's still on her friends. I feel this is really unreasonable and unfair of her. I told her to break this guy off from facebook, more as a test to see if she would do the same things for me that she literally forced me into doing, but she didn't. He's still there? Am I being imature about this? If I am, please be honest because I feel a lot of offness in this.

 

The one time she cheated on me by sleeping with this other guy and I was really devastated because that was on the 3 year mark which is the longest I've ever been with someone. Needless to say, I packed my things and left and never looked back. I refused to communicate with her. She let the new guy move in with her and I turned my back on her for a long time, until that relationship fell apart (which I knew would happen) within the 1st month. She called me of all people first after he beat her and locked her in the house and left.Crying and asking for help I felt sorry for her, so I helped. She then slowly crawled back into my heart and convinced me to move back in with her to fix things, which I was a little skeptical and weary of after she let another man in the same bed we shared for 3 years. So about 2 days after I moved in again I received an email from this girl who said she got my email from an old friend of mine. I was a little bamboozled as I hardly ever get emails from random people. She then lured me into this weird conversation, hinting "we should hang out" and I should have seen it coming because this person had everything in common with me. Shared all the same interests in me. She started hitting on me and I guess after the trauma I didn't feel like I was doing something awful, which I know was wrong, but I didn't trust my situation and felt obliged to flirt with this amazing chick who has so much in common with me. What happened next would shock me completely. My phone's data didn't want to connect some time later that same day, so I asked her to borrow her phone. She was hesitant for some reason, but handed me the phone. I wanted to google something, then the first open tab on phone's internet was a signed in google account. The account was that of the girl who I was flirting with. The girl who had so much interest in me didn't exist. It was a fake profile created by this girl to test if I was "serious" or "loyal" to her. We had a raging argument following that. I mean how ing dare she test my loyalty after leaving me for someone else, then asking me back. It wasn't right of me to flirt back, if it was even a real person. I get it. But anyways. This time she told me to leave and I was a little shocked, but I gladly did so.

 

She's controlling.

Highly aggresive. She raises her voice and reacts with rage once I try to correct her or point out something that bothers me. From the 2nd year she started becoming physically violent. One day when she was mad at me and drunk she tackled me and started throwing punching me in the face several times until I had to retaliate in self defence, meaning I had to ing punch her back, which sucks because as a man that makes me the perpetrator in today's age, no exceptions.

 

She becomes highly aggressive and loses control of herself when she drinks. I've tried our whole relationship to get her away from booze for good because of the bad I've experienced with her when we were drinking (at the begining). Her mother was an alcoholic and schizophrenic and I've tried to warn her she could become the same if she carries on drinking.

 

Unable to admit wrongdoing. Able to manipulate everyone against me, even if I did nothing wrong, for her own agendas. She has smeared my reputation out of blind rage, so much so, that our relationship is sort of on the down low for last 2 years.

 

Guys, I can go on and on but my point is simple. I'm in a really ed up relationship and I'm not going to lie. I love this girl to shreds and I don't know why, but I can't see myself with someone else, then again, with her I sometimes feel as if I'm heading towards a disaster that doesn't end well for me.

 

I hope someone out there has some advice on what to do. I've left and returned numerous times. I'm with her now but her ways aren't changing and I'm out of ideas. I've tried everything, but I don't think she'll change and I think I'm setting myself up for a world of hurt and betrayal in the future, but a part of me loves her insanely much and wants to make it work. There is mutual effort for very short periods, but most of the time I feel as if I'm carrying the both of us in this relationship and that she's just leaning on me because she knows I'm loyal and really love her.

 

Regards

 

Would like to remain anonymous

[DancingFool]

Advice: dump her and immediately check yourself into a mental health clinic and stay there until you get your head screwed back on straight. The question is not what is wrong with her, the question is what is wrong with you. What you call love isn't love, it's an addiction and in your case, rising to the level of mental illness.

 

Anyway, just like any addict, you will not do any of the above or even admit that you are addicted to the toxic drama, so advice is really pointless. If/when someday you actually decide that you've had enough and you actually want to kick your addiction, you will finally do what you need to do.

[Liraele]

It sounds like you know what you need to do, but you just haven't quite convinced your heart yet.

 

A couple of things:

 

"Soulmate" is a term that I'm not a big fan of because it carries these weird connotations in today's dating world. If you feel that she IS a "soulmate" that doesn't necessarily mean that she is someone who is meant to be by your side forever...or even that she's good for you.

 

She's cheated on you in the past... and odds are fairly good that she either still is or will when the opportunity arises again in the future. She's likely accusing you of cheating because she's projecting. Very common.

 

You may love her, but some people need to be loved from afar. She sounds like a pretty toxic companion for you.

[WombatShadow]

Take a day off work when you know she won't be there and get out. Pack your important stuff and stow them somewhere safe, make sure you take everything you will need, and leave before she gets home.

[nutbrownhare]

This isn't love you're describing, but a really toxic, enmeshed relationship where neither of you really takes responsibility for your actions.

 

I think that nobody could have a healthy long term relationship with this woman, because she's got so many issues - and you need to ask yourself WHY you want to 'make this work', when in your own words you're setting yourself up for a future of pain and betrayal.

 

You can't do anything about her, but you could seek counselling for yourself. Alternatively, if you come from a dysfunctional family, or one where there was alcohol or drug abuse, you may qualify for one of the 12-step programs... which have the advantage of being free!

[Annia]

I had lots of trouble reading this because I felt very uncomfortable and that says a lot.

 

I agree with all the above posters. You need to leave this extremely abusive relationship and get yourself into therapy ASAP. You also need to change all your passwords and make sure she doesn't get her hand on your personal assets and bank account anymore.

 

This is not love nor is she your soulmate, whatever that means.

[Cornelius37]

Thanks guys for the advice (some, more brutal than others). I'm working on a plan forward

[KittyA2017]

I assume there must be an underlying reason for her jealousy. Even if it's an ex who hurt her. Violence is never okay though. If you love her then I would take a stand for your relationship. Calmly tell her that you both need to seek medical advice and counseling. It's very possible she has an actual mental illness (bipolar/depression) or just needs someone to teach her how to navigate her emotions. She needs to understand she cannot hit you and you both need to be able to take turns talking until you both feel better about the situation. Don't leave problems unresolved. Screaming back and forth doesn't resolve it. Sometimes when a partner resorts to violence it's because they feel like they are not being heard or acknowledged (that's no excuse either). If its an unsafe relationship and cannot be repaired then a counselor can help you move on as well. You can love her to no end but if she loves you back, she'll have to seek some help so you both can move past this. Make compromises you both accept. Unless it's a deal breaker, then you leave. You have no choice. Stick to your moral code because you can't change who you are. As for the boundaries on social media, set down the rules you both agree on and they go both ways.

I'd give her the option. "Either we get help together so we can be happier or I have to move on because I can't and won't live this way."

 

Unless you have a job that you need a huge social media presence then I'd limit it to your family, close friends and colleagues. I'm sure you couldn't have had hundreds of close friends lol. Again if these are things that go against your moral code and you believe that couples shouldn't have access to each others emails then break it off. Just make sure you're in agreement about what sort of boundaries you want in your relationship. You can't force her to agree with you but she can't force you either. I hope you find peace.