Is my mom codependent or or something worse (narcissistic)?

[hihowareyou555]

I'm 100% sure now that I went through abuse from a Narcissistic Personality Disordered person, and after so much self-inflection I have also been thinking a lot about my family life.

 

For pretty much all of my life I've hated my mom aside from a few instances here and there.

 

When I was around 5 or so years old, I remembered when I went to my brother's friend's birthday party and my mom picked me up. I remember I asked to buy a specific food, and when we came home and no one was home, my mom went crazy, started yelling at me, and turned over couches, tables, chairs, etc.

 

She has taken my video games and threw them like a frisbee against the wall. She has come into my room and unplugged my keyboard and threw them. She has hit me, slapped me, thrown her shoe at me, etc. I don't take the physical abuse to heart though since I'm assuming that was very commonplace in previous generations.

 

She always insults me. Always. I figured out she's the reason for my disgustingly low self-esteem. She never takes my side for anything. She always assumes I'm wrong. She blames me any time she has the chance to. One time I was just near the kitchen, looking at my phone. My mom is walking around, holding something, then drops it and yells my name... even though I did absolutely nothing. When she's annoyed with my dog, more than a few times she's yelled "(my name) shut up! Oops I meant (dog's name)." She has also destroyed my room numerous times. She has called me stupid many, many times. She has humiliated me in front of my friends numerous times. During family gatherings embarrassing me is very common.

 

She also comes into my room whenever she feels like it and acts like locking my door is a cardinal sin.

 

I never feel like sharing things with her because she never compliments and she always criticizes. One time she pointed out that I never converse with her and I told her that it's because she always insults me. She tells me "ok well from now on I'll say something nice 50% of the time and the other 50% of the time I'll criticize". I thought that was very bizarre.

 

She also underhands my achievements. One time I texted her telling her I received a scholarship. No response. When I finally see her face-to-face the next day she apologizes for not responding then congratulates me, then asks me how much it was. When I told her it was $2000, she says "that's it? (your brother) got so much more." Then she said "But I'm still p..." and tried to mumble "proud of you", as if it physically pains her to compliment me. I felt so embarrassed. The only time she was ever proud of me was when I was a singer. As a young kid I got tons and tons of praise and she even made me sing at her office party. But then I stopped because I was a closeted kid at the time and was afraid of people hating me for being gay and I associated singing with being gay. After I stopped singing it's pretty much been this.

 

 

I've been receiving massive compliments on my weight loss and my overall appearance. My mom comments on my looks every. Single. Time that she sees me. Tells me that I'm losing so much weight and that I look "ugly." Buys a bunch of fattening stuff even (when she doesn't even eat it!!! She eats salads and fish and healthy stuff for the most part) when I tell her not to. Tells me I shouldn't dye my hair and that "people are going to think you're weird."

 

Once my dad passed away (5 years ago) she played the victim card constantly. A couple weeks ago, in fact, I said "it annoys me how you always claim you're a victim" and she responded with "I am a victim!!!"

 

I never, ever, ever ask her for money because even if it's $20 she will use that against me. For the past 2 years she has probably given me around $250 total and does not pay for my college, clothes, or anything really. I have to work 30 hours a week along with going to school 4 times a week. This would make sense if we lived in a one-bedroom apartment but we don't qualify for financial aid and we live in a townhouse that costs over $3000 a month. She also buys new clothes all the time and seriously overspends on food that we don't need. She doesn't provide me with dental insurance and finally got me the cheapest medical insurance that is practically useless after I complained to her about having to shell out over $200 a month. I also remember as a little kid she would take my birthday money and "save it" aka spend it for herself. Any time she buys something for me that I didn't ask for, she will point out how much she spent on it "you know, this was $50." Ok??? I didn't ask you to buy it.

 

And last week she was on the computer and asked me to help her with something. I had to rush to work and obviously, she didn't care. I tried listening to her but I couldn't help because I didn't have my glasses on and I didn't want to stay too long because I didn't feel like listening to her commenting on my pre-shower appearance because she always comments on my appearance, as I've already said. I said sorry but I can't help and she called me "useless" and yelled profanities at me and said "of course you don't know, you don't know anything."

 

A couple years ago, my brother would pretty much destroy my room for borrowing his clothes. He would smash something then throw it on my bed. Knock everything over. One time my mom watched as my brother strangled me over borrowing his basketball shorts and my mom didn't offer me any kind words. My mom always compares me to my brother. The last time my mom got angry at me I overheard her complaining to her sister (something she does 24/7) about what I just did (accidentally eating something I wasn't supposed to) and then complaining that I changed my major again.

 

Idk I just feel so resentful towards my mom... sometimes I can say nasty things to someone when I'm angry and I feel like I picked that up from her. I also noticed that I ENJOYED giving silent treatment when I am angry at someone which is a little sickening and I definitely changed that.

 

She's been nicer to me as of late and it's weird. But... I just feel so resentful towards her and I hate it. I had a dream last week where she died and I cried. But it's really hard when my mom has pretty much terrorized me... now that I think about it I've had numerous nightmares about my mother yelling at me, along with dreams about my mom dying and me crying. I feel like, deep down, I do love my mom (kind of), but I hate how she is a petulant child, and I hate how she put me in a bad position (that I'm thankfully getting myself out of). She's guilted me and said things like "ok, sorry, I'm a terrible mother. Are you happy now? I'm so terrible. No one loves me or cares about me." etc. etc. My brother has also told me that she doesn't want him to move out of the house and doesn't want him to get married.

 

Also, until recently, I have been known to not have a backbone. I've gotten much better but for the most part I don't have as much of a backbone that others do. I also feel like I'm way too sensitive. As a child I remember being known as a "crybaby" up until middle school. Ever since I've come out of the closet that persona has come back and I cry easily.

 

I could probably state more examples, but yeah... thoughts?

[1a1a]

Whatever the why is, your mum is cruel to you, being around her causes you pain, you don't have love and care for this person just because she gave birth to you.

 

Since you are already pretty self sufficient, have you considered moving out? I feel like your life will be 100% more peaceful when she becomes someone you see only in tiny doses (or not at all if you are so inclined)

[Jibralta]

I can relate. My mom was similar, and eventually (in my mid-30s!) I realized she probably had some sort of mental disorder. I don't know what to tell you but hang in there and try not to hate her. I ended up going to therapy for years, but she never did. She got better with age, and when my step father became part of our lives. Now, we have a relationship and it's better.

[LaHermes]

HIH.

 

A site you might like reading.

 

http://www.thedaughterhood.com

[Wiseman2]

Consult a counselor about stress at home and an adviser on campus about student housing and better financial aid. Once you are over 18 you can't call CPS and she is not obligated to support you. Therapy would help to reestablish boundaries and sort out this rough childhood.

I was a closeted kid at the time and was afraid of people hating me for being gay.

[hihowareyou555]

I don't hate her and she HAS gotten a lot better to be fair. And she's admitted (in kind of like "FINE! Sorry... jeez..." way) that she has been a bad mother to me in the past.

 

And I know that her mom displays favoritism and from what I've noticed, of the 5 kids my grandma shows open dislike towards my mom the most and I guess my mom just doesn't know any better (and I guess neither does my grandma). I know that my mom is always stressed, anxious, worried, etc.

 

I remember my dad's death breaking her and she just wants to be happy. Maybe if she were less stressed she wouldn't be like this.

 

Then again, I am ALWAYS stressed too and I don't do what she does... *shrugs*

[fabact]

I would start therapy asap. Unfortubately all these things end up influencing your self esteem and ultimately your relationships. Its sad to think that there are moms who just arent good mothers , and she likely has a mental illness..but at this point, as an adult you have to take care of yourself going forward and heal. And eventualy forgive her.

[hihowareyou555]

I would start therapy asap. Unfortubately all these things end up influencing your self esteem and ultimately your relationships. Its sad to think that there are moms who just arent good mothers , and she likely has a mental illness..but at this point, as an adult you have to take care of yourself going forward and heal. And eventualy forgive her.

 

I do think that my self-esteem is alarmingly low. Until I was 21 I was under the impression that I was too dumb to drive. At this point in time I've been "cocooning" aside from a few weekends here and there for the past 4 months because I don't have a perfect body. I don't think I'm worthy of a boyfriend or much socializing until that point. And I do constantly worry about what others think of me and I'm frequently very awkward and afraid to initiate a conversation. I have been getting better though!

[Jibralta]

And she's admitted (in kind of like "FINE! Sorry... jeez..." way) that she has been a bad mother to me in the past.

 

I know what that's like!

 

I do think that my self-esteem is alarmingly low. Until I was 21 I was under the impression that I was too dumb to drive. At this point in time I've been "cocooning" aside from a few weekends here and there for the past 4 months because I don't have a perfect body. I don't think I'm worthy of a boyfriend or much socializing until that point. And I do constantly worry about what others think of me and I'm frequently very awkward and afraid to initiate a conversation. I have been getting better though!

 

I understand this, too. And I think you will continue to surprise yourself with how capable you actually are. Growing up in a house like that is like growing up in a warzone. You never know where the next attack is coming from. I agree with others that therapy will help sort through all of that trauma and stress.