Ex moving out this week - could do with some support

[Miastar]

So my ex officially moves out this week (I think last night was his final night in the flat and he will be moving things over to his new place throughout the week)I want to avoid coming home to the flat every day after work and seeing more of his belongings gone as I'd rather just deal with it all at the weekend.

 

I know logically what I am going to do:

Tonight and tomorrow night I am staying in the flat as it's more convenient for me with my working hours.

 

Then Wednesday - Friday I'm staying with a friend.

 

I have yoga tonight, a late shift at work tomorrow, counselling on Wednesday then will see family the following few nights.

 

Then at the weekend I'll return to the flat, assess the situation and start having a good old clear out, sort through and begin to solidify plans to redecorate and get new things etc. I'm taking a few days off the following week too.

 

I know that no matter what happens, this is a necessary stage I need to go through.

 

I'm looking forward to redecorating and making the place my own, and I'm trying not to worry too much about the future at the moment as I do get rather panicky and want to feel more settled at home first.

 

I just feel very wobbly and emotional and think I may need some help to stay on track, so I was wondering if anyone had any ideas of how I can get through this week?

 

Thank you xxx

[No1]

Sounds like you are aware of what is going on, you mentioned nothing of getting back and you sound like you have accepted the current situation and making plans to avoid him and limit your emotional weight.

 

You are off to a pretty good start in my view. You are doing what you are supposed to be doing. I think you will heal sooner rather than later. Just do what you think is right and I know it hurts and break ups suck, but know that this is the best thing to happen to you and you now have room in your heart and life for someone better. Youll be alright

[Miastar]

Sounds like you are aware of what is going on, you mentioned nothing of getting back and you sound like you have accepted the current situation and making plans to avoid him and limit your emotional weight.

 

You are off to a pretty good start in my view. You are doing what you are supposed to be doing. I think you will heal sooner rather than later. Just do what you think is right and I know it hurts and break ups suck, but know that this is the best thing to happen to you and you now have room in your heart and life for someone better. Youll be alright

 

Thank you.. I do desperately want him back though.. he ended things a month ago and has only just moved out! This last month we've been pretty friendly, have spent time together chatting, having food, watching tv/films. Part of me hoped (foolishly) that he would see the error of his ways, part of me wanted it to end on a positive note, part of me was prolonging my healing process by acting this way. (I did however clear through a huge amount of stuff and separate our things and got rid of a lot of stuff that was ours - I just can't move onto the next stage of doing this until he moves out)

 

I brought up reconciliation and if he was sure etc and he got emotional and adamant that he didn't want to be with me, so I accepted that (externally, not necessarily internally) and started trying to heal the best I could whilst he was there.

 

I just can't believe I'm in this situation and I'm devastated that he's happily moving forward. I just need to get through this week and know what to do when the wobbles and tears start!

[No1]

Mia.. Im sorry, but you have your absolution. He doesnt want to come back and knowing is a really good thing even tho its not the answer you wanted. On the positive side, you dont have to wonder if he is going to text you, email you or call you out of the blue and say lets get back. I know it hurts, rejection sucks and its never wanted.

You mentioned that he is happily moving forward and you are devistated. Well, I dont think he is jumping for joy, but he is doing what he feels is best for him. And you might be looking at it as a race to happiness and he is in the lead. Since he appears to be happy, he is winning. Love, happiness and life is not a race. It doesnt matter who is happiest first, just matters that you find your happiness. I know the thinking that its not fair how you are left in shambles and your X is out smiling. oh, Ive been there and I have said its not fair so many times but in the end, life is just not fair and we are the ones that determine our happiness.

We can sit there on our couch asking 'why me?' and do laps in our pity pool and do nothing to better ourselves or heal. Or we can stand up, dust ourselves off and say .. okay, whats next for me? You have the power to control it. You will be just fine and you will be happy again. You have to believe that this is the best for you. I know its hard, but youll be smiling again.

[1a1a]

I brought up reconciliation and if he was sure etc and he got emotional and adamant that he didn't want to be with me, so I accepted that (externally, not necessarily internally) and started trying to heal the best I could whilst he was there.

 

Ahhhhhh, the friendly ex. I have one of those. Every now and then he'd text me some trivia about his life and I'd interpret it through a lense of "could this mean he misses me and wants to get back together?! *hope hope hope* And a couple of weeks after we split we had a chat like your one and no, he didn't miss me and was happier split and about 3 months later we did a bunch of maintenance work together and it was so obvious how much happier he was engaging with me as a friend that I couldn't help but be glad of the friendship potential there (although it took many many more months for me to lose my feelings and they were very easily rekindled towards the end of last year leading to another disaster attempt at dating which has only just ended).

 

We have to trust them that they are making the right decision for themselves. You have all the solidarity from me as I am doing the same walk you are at the moment.

 

And you are totally on the right path, planning things for yourself, time with family, how to make your home awesome and yours. Don't stop there, brainstorming time, what is the most awesome life you can imagine for yourself, leaving having a partner right out of the equation!!? Hobbies, friends, family, connections, working out, creating art, career goals. Imagine all the things and then start working towards them. This is your time, (and miiiine), we have to chomp on life!

[Miastar]

I'm just so baffled why he's in the other room at the moment laughing and playing with our cats, as if it's all hunky dory. Yeah I get he's excited to move on to his new life, but this is insane how he's acting as if everything is totally cool and fine!

[No1]

Mia... he is acting that way because he has already emotionally moved on from the relationship. in other words, he is free from it. You, on the other hand, are still in relationship/loss mode. Dont read into his actions. He is on another path from yours already.

[Starlight925]

I read your other thread where you found he was on Tinder about 6 months into the relationship. How did you find this out? Was he actively messaging girls? Was he meeting them?

 

I ask because, if he was doing this 6 months in, and actually messaging and meeting girls, then I think you were completely valid in having trust issues. I'm wondering if those trust issues have lingered, causing you to overreact to things (again, valid), and him seeing it as you continuing to beat him up about something so long ago.

[Wiseman2]

Good plan. Avoid the place and avoid him to get through the week and keep your eye on the future.

I think last night was his final night in the flat and he will be moving things over to his new place throughout the week

[MissCanuck]

I've been down this road twice with two live-in boyfriends.

 

The first case, I ended it and moved out. As someone else pointed out, the dumper is already much further along the recovery process and has already emotionally left the relationship. Thus, the move-out wasn't fun but it wasn't as hard for me as it was for my ex. I was mentally prepared.

 

In the second case, the split was more or less mutual but I asked him to leave. I felt he'd behaved badly (he didn't know I'd made some discoveries about him) and I didn't want him around me anymore. He left to stay with a friend the night we broke up and we never spent any time together in the house again. He progressively moved his things out while I was at work or away from the city. I was there for another year. And I made it a bodacious bachelorette pad for me, myself and I. My friends and I had a hell of a time living it up that year and using my place as our crash pad. It of course was hard at first with my ex gone for good, and our shared memories there. But like you intend to do, I made a lot of new memories and it was great.

 

The first little while will be tough. But once your ex is out from under your feet, your healing will really begin. Especially when you take off the rose-coloured glasses and see that any "boyfriend" who's swiping through Tinder while supposedly in a relationship with you is a bad seed. You will someday be glad this relationship ended.

[Miastar]

Mia.. Im sorry, but you have your absolution. He doesnt want to come back and knowing is a really good thing even tho its not the answer you wanted. On the positive side, you dont have to wonder if he is going to text you, email you or call you out of the blue and say lets get back. I know it hurts, rejection sucks and its never wanted.

You mentioned that he is happily moving forward and you are devistated. Well, I dont think he is jumping for joy, but he is doing what he feels is best for him. And you might be looking at it as a race to happiness and he is in the lead. Since he appears to be happy, he is winning. Love, happiness and life is not a race. It doesnt matter who is happiest first, just matters that you find your happiness. I know the thinking that its not fair how you are left in shambles and your X is out smiling. oh, Ive been there and I have said its not fair so many times but in the end, life is just not fair and we are the ones that determine our happiness.

We can sit there on our couch asking 'why me?' and do laps in our pity pool and do nothing to better ourselves or heal. Or we can stand up, dust ourselves off and say .. okay, whats next for me? You have the power to control it. You will be just fine and you will be happy again. You have to believe that this is the best for you. I know its hard, but youll be smiling again.

 

You are right! So right. I'm throwing myself pointless pity parties and clinging to false hope. I have been able to be strong majority of the time but sometimes I just lose it and feel the weight of all this.

 

Thank you so much for your reply though, it's really helpful and I'm going to save it and read it regularly!

[Miastar]

Ahhhhhh, the friendly ex. I have one of those. Every now and then he'd text me some trivia about his life and I'd interpret it through a lense of "could this mean he misses me and wants to get back together?! *hope hope hope* And a couple of weeks after we split we had a chat like your one and no, he didn't miss me and was happier split and about 3 months later we did a bunch of maintenance work together and it was so obvious how much happier he was engaging with me as a friend that I couldn't help but be glad of the friendship potential there (although it took many many more months for me to lose my feelings and they were very easily rekindled towards the end of last year leading to another disaster attempt at dating which has only just ended).

 

We have to trust them that they are making the right decision for themselves. You have all the solidarity from me as I am doing the same walk you are at the moment.

 

And you are totally on the right path, planning things for yourself, time with family, how to make your home awesome and yours. Don't stop there, brainstorming time, what is the most awesome life you can imagine for yourself, leaving having a partner right out of the equation!!? Hobbies, friends, family, connections, working out, creating art, career goals. Imagine all the things and then start working towards them. This is your time, (and miiiine), we have to chomp on life!

 

You are right! I'm sorry you are going through this too and yes absolutely right about how they are making the right decision for themselves. I'm just feeling lousy as this is the final weekend that he lives here and if he'd been so adamant about it all then why didn't he just sod off weeks ago.

[Miastar]

I read your other thread where you found he was on Tinder about 6 months into the relationship. How did you find this out? Was he actively messaging girls? Was he meeting them?

 

I ask because, if he was doing this 6 months in, and actually messaging and meeting girls, then I think you were completely valid in having trust issues. I'm wondering if those trust issues have lingered, causing you to overreact to things (again, valid), and him seeing it as you continuing to beat him up about something so long ago.

 

Thank you! He seemed to think I should've got over this a lot quicker than I did. And someone else may have done, but I struggled more and the trust issues did linger and did cause problems. In fact you've hit the nail on the head.

 

My best friend found out he was on tinder and sent me a screenshot of his profile which was active half an hour previously, which was when he was at my flat. . I don't know the extent of it because I never saw his phone and he told me all he did was "Match" with girls, but I don't know the truth and will never know.

 

I think I blamed myself, but my counsellor has also helped me see that this was a jerkish thing for him to do. We then moved in together (out of convenience) and things were never the same lol.

[Miastar]

I've been down this road twice with two live-in boyfriends.

 

The first case, I ended it and moved out. As someone else pointed out, the dumper is already much further along the recovery process and has already emotionally left the relationship. Thus, the move-out wasn't fun but it wasn't as hard for me as it was for my ex. I was mentally prepared.

 

In the second case, the split was more or less mutual but I asked him to leave. I felt he'd behaved badly (he didn't know I'd made some discoveries about him) and I didn't want him around me anymore. He left to stay with a friend the night we broke up and we never spent any time together in the house again. He progressively moved his things out while I was at work or away from the city. I was there for another year. And I made it a bodacious bachelorette pad for me, myself and I. My friends and I had a hell of a time living it up that year and using my place as our crash pad. It of course was hard at first with my ex gone for good, and our shared memories there. But like you intend to do, I made a lot of new memories and it was great.

 

The first little while will be tough. But once your ex is out from under your feet, your healing will really begin. Especially when you take off the rose-coloured glasses and see that any "boyfriend" who's swiping through Tinder while supposedly in a relationship with you is a bad seed. You will someday be glad this relationship ended.

 

You are right thank you so much. The whole tinder thing cut me so deeply and things never recovered lol.

[IAmFCA]

Maybe a thing to think about is that scene in the old Tom Cruise movie. Tune in at 2:45. You now have the freedom to be the Tom Cruise character.

 

]