What would you do?

[D1mps]

Hello all, as some of you already know, I've recently been through a rather turbulent breakup with my former best friend/Ex, who was a sex addict.

During the breakup there have been many revelations (none of which are great), and I am slowly gaining insight (through therapy), into what I've been involved with/ exposed to the past few years.

 

Upon reading many correspondence, letters and listening to voice messages, conversation from my ex etc., my Psychologist raised a very loud alarm that indicated as well as the addiction, my ex was also displaying textbook traits and behaviours of a man with narcissistic personality disorder.

Of course, this frightened me and I set out to learn more about it.

 

I was invited to a seminar to watch webcasts/information videos etc. about addiction and narcissistic abuse and what it revealed was just shocking.

They explained how the Narc/Empath relationship works and the manipulative tactics they use to weaken and eventually break the empath, all of which repulsed me to the core.

I cannot believe the accuracy of how much it all mirrored my own relationship.

 

I'm now desperately trying to deal and fight my way back from PTSD and digest what I have been in the grip of this past few years.

It's an awful struggle that has left me feeling like I was going insane and I can only feel sympathy for any woman who will/has fallen prey to my Ex and his sickness.

 

During my time as a friend to my Ex (years prior to getting together), I was on good terms with his now ex wife and had grown close to his children.

Now although my Ex would not allow either ex wife, or myself to actually converse, we always exchanged gifts, sent greetings and were cordial.

I miss his children dearly and would like to ask from time to time, how they are, but I do not want to have contact with my ex.

 

My question is, Do you think it's wise to reach out to his ex wife and ask her permission to do so?

I know it has potential to open a can of worms, but I have no interest in bad mouthing or causing drama, I just want to know that his kids are doing OK because I miss them so much and I can't deny I'm concerned about their well-being.

 

They are female, age 9 & 10 and he still showers naked with them... Someone tell me there should be a boundary there?!

 

I await your advice...

[LaHermes]

They are female, age 9 & 10 and he still showers naked with them...

 

Very bad.

 

You are by now aware that these individuals do not know what a boundary is.

 

I would be against you contacting his ex-wife, truly. Hard to know what to do. Where do these showers take place?

[Annia]

I think you shouldn't get more involved by "opening that can of warms". You seem to have a good heart and really care for the kids, but I don't know if you're at a point where you are emotionally stable to be so involved. Maybe for now it's better to cut contact not only from him but from everyone related to him. It won't do you any good nor them.

 

Do you think he's abusing his daughters?

[D1mps]

I think you shouldn't get more involved by "opening that can of warms". You seem to have a good heart and really care for the kids, but I don't know if you're at a point where you are emotionally stable to be so involved. Maybe for now it's better to cut contact not only from him but from everyone related to him. It won't do you any good nor them.

 

Do you think he's abusing his daughters?

 

No, I don't think he is and If he is capable of love at all, it would definitely be love for them.

But I do think there is a desperate lack of boundaries in place there.

 

This took place on a holiday and at the time I thought it was just convenient to get them in and out of the shower as quickly as possible. But after what I've learned, i feel otherwise. I know they change at the pool together and he bathes with them when he has his visits with them also...

[Dominique]

Short answer. No. Leave it and them alone.

[LaHermes]

There is a lack of boundaries, D. But these types have what is called "an inappropriate affect". It would never strike him as inappropriate to shower naked with his two daughters.

[Wiseman2]

No, let sleeping dogs lie. This relationship was too turbulent and perhaps his exwife would like to forget about his sexual conquests as much as you do. Even if you were fond of his kids they have a mother, father, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc and unfortunately don't require dad's exgf to be in their lives.

Do you think it's wise to reach out to his ex wife and ask her permission to do so?

[D1mps]

Oh wiseman, sorry, his ex didn't even know we were together because he never told anyone he had a girlfriend! Of course doing so would mean that it would ruin his chances with his friends who had other single female friends he may want to experience a little 'frisson' with 😒

 

He lied to EVERYONE about me, everyone just thought we were besties right up until the end.

It wasn't until we all went away in Feb together, that his daughters found out we were dating. And that's only because he callously broke up with me and left me crying in the kitchen while they played in the living room.

He then selfishly asked me to still spend the weekend with them despite what just happened and as I explained in my first post, I struggled through for them as I believed it was the last time i would see them.

At the time, They asked why I was sad, so we told them and they told their mum, even then he couldn't do his own dirty work!

I was completely denied the whole time we dated...

 

As I say, his ex and I were very cordial and always have been. We purchased gifts for each other etc. So I wondered if I should stay in touch and obviously, the children meant a lot to me too.

[LordRorek]

So I wondered if I should stay in touch and obviously, the children meant a lot to me too.

 

You have a really good heart and I know how you feel. My ex had two nieces that (while we didn't get to spend much time together) I loved dearly.

 

But you must understand what we want and what need are two very different things. I really wanted to see her nieces after the end of our relationship but did I need to get involved with her and her family?

 

His children and he will always be a package deal and so any relationship with them will inevitably lead to some form of a relationship with him whether it is platonic or not.

 

Also, (Just in case you feel this way) not wanting to see his children because you don't want to see him does not make you a bad person nor does it make you selfish, breakups and the resulting fallout are a matter of self-preservation. Your well being should be your first priority in this situation and as such you must do what ever you have to do to protect yourself both physically and emotionally.

 

I will be praying for your healing, health, and happiness.

 

-LordRorek

[RomansEmpire]

It seems his ex-wife only recently learned of your romantic involvement with him and you stated that you two were never "allowed to converse". I'm not sure she is going to take very kindly to your calling up to inquire about her children. You really need to leave this man and anything that attaches you to him alone. I think that reaching out to the kids or trying to see them will only confuse both the children and yourself. I know you care about them but you cannot continue to hold ties to this man if you want to heal.

[D1mps]

LordRorek - I've spent weeks ruminating over the fact they miss me and won't understand why I'm gone. Even after we had broken up, my ex would use messages from them to snap me back and pull on my heartstrings.

It's just so hard knowing what's right and the mess is just chaotic.

 

RomansEmpire - Although the relationship came out recently, his ex wife and I are still cordial.

She doesn't hold any animosity toward me, however she did scold the ex as she is worried that his actions towards women, will set him in a bad light in the kids eyes.

 

I just miss them, I don't mean any harm and would never bad mouth their Dad or anything.

I just wanted to be able to check in with their Mum to ask how they are from time to time...

I don't necessarily need to talk directly to them to do that.

 

I do understand everyone's points, just feeling a bit post as to what I should and shouldn't do.

[LordRorek]

Even after we had broken up, my ex would use messages from them to snap me back and pull on my heartstrings.

 

He used his own children to hurt you! That is absolutely disgusting! I am so sorry you had to go through that. 😢

 

I just wanted to be able to check in with their Mum to ask how they are from time to time...

I don't necessarily need to talk directly to them to do that.

Well talking to their Mom to check on them probably wouldn't be so bad.

 

But I don't know the full particulars of the situation to really tell what would or would not be the best thing to do. Like their relationship, how often they see each other, whether they talk about things not involving the children, etc etc.

 

The only advice I can give you with my limited understanding is to try and cut him out of your life as much as humanly possible.