Why is it taking me so long to get over it?

[MoonRise]

Hello everyone. I'm partially here to vent, partially here to ask from some advice. Thank you for your time.

 

Over a year ago, I broke up with a guy I had been in an almost 3 year long relationship with. But the more time that has passed since our breakup, the more bitter, annoyed, and angry I am with the things that happened to us in the past. I wasn't angry when we first broke up. Wasn't even sad, because I knew that we would never make it as a couple. I haven't seen him in over a year, removed him from all social media outlets, and have done everything I can to just forget him. But as the year has gone by, I'm just getting more bitter (I think?)

 

Here are a few reasons why we broke up:

The big reason is because he stated that, as a Christian, the bible gave him the right to tell me, the woman, what to do. Said it completely seriously, and expected me to just agree with it. And his family backed him up! His grandmother straight out told him that unless I was willing to stand by his decisions, then our relationship would fail. Guess she was right on that one!

When I was exploring other religions, pagan ones, he told me that if we ever got a home together, I would not be allowed to practice my religion in the home, because his religion said that there could be no alters to false gods in the house. He suggested I get a shed so I could practice my religion in the back yard.

He was very pretentious about money, because at the time I was going to school full time, and not working. So every little thing was "Well since I'm working and you're not..." And he would just hold it over my head all the time.

This also applied to food. If he paid for food and I did not eat all of it, he would get pretty upset with me. Because I was wasting his money. So I just stopped eating as much.

He would drag me to his school functions (he was a teacher) and volunteer me to work or chaperone for them, knowing full well that I don't care for large numbers of kids and that I was incredibly uncomfortable with being in charge of them. Still, he said that he was a public figure, and that if I backed out I would embarrass him and damage his career.

He also had this mindset where he thought he knew SO MUCH more about the world than me because he was 3 years older than me. 3 years. He often pulled the "Well you're too young to understand things they way I do" line....

And while I get that this one wasn't completely his fault, it was super annoying. He was a super germophobe. He yelled at me once because I was taking out the trash and brushed the bag up against him while he was sitting in the living room. There was one instance where I was getting out of the shower and I accidentally touched the toilet with my towel (the lid was down!) and he told me to re-shower. The same thing happened when I accidentally used his roommates towel to dry off, I had to reshower or I wouldn't be allowed in our bed. The one and only time I got drunk enough to vomit, he told me I couldn't sleep in the bed until I showered because I had been touching the toilet.

 

Am I just being super petty? These kind of memories just make me super annoyed or even a little bit angry when I think about them. I'm hoping that by writing about it, maybe talking about it a little bit, will help me get these feelings out of my chest and help me move past them. Lastly, is is possible that I should seek professional counseling about all this? Is it normal to still be bitter about an ex even a year after a break up?

 

I appreciate the feedback. Thank you!

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you are mad at yourself for having wasted so much time on an untenable situation. It sounds like you dodged a bullet and is controlling OCD habits would have been nightmarish.

 

You already know why the breakup had to happen so ruminating facilitates this anger.

 

It's time to get on dating apps with a nice profile and pics and start browsing for who may be out there for you. Move forward not backward.

[rosephase]

It sounds like you are coming to terms with the fact that your ex was a massive jerk. You have anger to process through. This wasn't a good relationship that ended with a bruised heart that needed to heal. It was a horribly condescending relationship where you were constantly being lead to believe that what you value wasn't important. Were you angry about this behavior when it happened?

 

I had an emotionally abusive ex and when we broke up I wasn't angry or even that sad. But slowly over the next few months a ran into a metric sh*t ton of anger I had no idea about. When I was in the relationship I had blinders on. I didn't get angry I just tried to fix it. I had my head down and wasn't looking around. When I finally started to come to terms with how my ex treated me I had all this built up anger. It feels so dumb to be super angry at someone who isn't in your life any more. But you need time to feel your feelings. What you went through with this guy sucked. If you are anything like me anger is a normal reaction that you have been repressing because it would have made things worse. So now, a year later, you are starting to face it. That's okay! And it will pass. I find talking about it helps a lot.

[MoonRise]

I wasn't angry during the relationship, you are right about that. I was just focused on trying to make it work.

[catfeeder]

I wasn't angry during the relationship, you are right about that. I was just focused on trying to make it work.

 

Well, that's certainly something to be angry about--instead of walking away from any of these dealbreakers before the rest could even occur, you stuck around to keep jumping through hoops.

 

So the question becomes, why?

[MoonRise]

Like I said, I didn't really see them as deal breakers at the time. And I thought that if we worked at it hard enough, we could make it work. And honestly I tmtg ought he might grow out of some of these bad habbits, or finally just understand how uncomfortable they made me.

[boltnrun]

I get angry when I think about my most recent ex. Angry with myself for putting up with that worthless waste of oxygen for FOUR years, trying to get him to love me.

 

But I don't dwell on it. I take comfort in knowing that never again will I tolerate any man lying, cheating or hiding things from me. I will be treated with respect nor I will leave. Period.

 

So, yeah, I understand. But you know now you will never allow anyone to treat you like there's something wrong with you when it's THEIR issues that are the problem.

[MoonRise]

I guess I really hoped that if I stuck it out, and we had open communication channels, we could fix just about anything. I'm glad I am less naive now.

[MoonRise]

Oh, one thing I forgot to talk about. He told me that we would get pregnant when I had a little bit less than a year of college left, that way as soon as I graduated with my bachelor's, I could have our kid and be a stay at home mom until they were old enough to start school themselves. He insisted that one of us be home at all times with the kids, and whoever was making less money would do so. Obviously, having only a bachelor's in psychology and he having an established teaching job, I would be the one staying home with the kids.

 

Yeah, I can't believe I let him treat me like that.

[kudos]

Wow I thought my ex's were weird! What a fruit loop. I don't think you have anything to be bitter about. I think you should be leaping around with joy that you don't have to put up with this anymore.

Yes you could be annoyed that you put up with it, but your out of it now and had the sense to walk away. Be happy.

Everyone has made mistakes and been with the wrong people. Laugh it off and live happily with whatever towel you like!! X

[catfeeder]

Like I said, I didn't really see them as deal breakers at the time. And I thought that if we worked at it hard enough, we could make it work. And honestly I tmtg ought he might grow out of some of these bad habbits, or finally just understand how uncomfortable they made me.

 

So you thought that you could 'work' a bad match into becoming your right match. That never works. You can be angry with him about that if you wish, but that only impacts your own stomach lining and has no effect on him at all.

 

Consider that manipulation is a tactic used by people who have no power, as evidenced most by children, but also by old people--only they're better at it. So despite all of the guy's mistreatment, you voluntarily chose to keep investing in him on the hope that you could manipulate him into 'seeing' what he didn't see, despite all prior evidence of his density and inability or unwillingness to do so.

 

Consider whether you actually-really-truly loved this guy, or whether your ego is furious that your magic wand didn't work.

 

Manipulation usually leads to dis-illusion-ment. It's painful, but it's valuable whenever WE are the ones who are refusing to see something important.

[MoonRise]

Of course I loved him. I don't think fighting for a relationship is manipulation. Why would you suggest that?

[catfeeder]

Of course I loved him. I don't think fighting for a relationship is manipulation. Why would you suggest that?

 

We all manipulate, from the cradle to the grave. We just don't always recognize when we're doing it. We resort to it when we perceive ourselves as powerless in the face of someone else's imposition. And this guy imposed, a lot.

 

Healthy couples use negotiation, and even bribery, to offer behaviors and things of value to one another in order to get what we want. This guy offered none of that. He imposed his perceptions of everything on you in a take it or leave proposition. You took it under the guise of cooperation with the faulty belief that you could change him--or get him to change.

 

Look, every kid who's ever been grounded plots and schemes their way through otherwise untenable situations--because they own no power to leave. Well, you owned that power, you just didn't want to use it. So you lost your clout with every acceptance of the stuff that was unacceptable, and that would make anybody angry. Especially when it doesn't get you what you want.

 

So the point isn't to assign blame, it's to recognize what you didn't 'see'. You owned the ruby red slippers to escape this situation at any time. Instead you wasted your time jumping through hoops to appease someone who was unappeasable. That IS infuriating. It was also your choice. That's not a punitive statement, it's a practical one. When we can recognize that we made our own choices while operating on illusions of our own creation, we can liberate ourselves from holding painful grudges that only harm our own peace and ability to move forward.

 

The guy was a lousy match for you. So you can use this experience to harm yourself, or you can use it to empower yourself into confidence that you will recognize red flags and never settle for an unworkable match again. Most people are NOT our match--that's just the odds. Grasping that frees you from creating illusions about turning a bad match into a good one. You'll allow bad matches to pass early instead of latching onto them in order to change them. This doesn't mean that a good match won't require work, it just means that you'll partner with someone who views you as his equal and will join WITH you in that work rather than against you.

 

Write more if it helps, and head high.