covertmission Posted May 3, 2017 Share Posted May 3, 2017 So, just an update from a previous post in relationship conflicts. Sorry another long post. The impending break up came, but it was not at all what I expected. The last thing that he had told me before our break up was that he was unhappy and that our relationship was an unhealthy cycle. And I had to agree, he'd spent 6 weeks seriously withdrawn after a situation where I had been a disrespectful about his faith, despite all my efforts to apologize and even honor his views and attend church with him. And at the time, I had thought it was situational depression. He was having a tough time at work (He's a military officer and the military has high depression rate), and his sister was murdered a few years back, and the trial for the suspected murder was happening at the time, which was a huge emotional drain on him. Many phone calls of ours involved him in a cold state, only to dissolve into a fit of tears over pain. I had mentioned to him seeing a therapist for his sister's murder in the past to no avail. Yesterday, when he was breaking up with me, I fully expected it to be over perceived differences in our values that he believed was causing our fights. Instead, he said that he needed to get help. That he still spends huge parts of his day angry over his sister's murder, that there are issues from his past relationships that he had never dealt with, and that he was really struggling to even be in his own skin. He never used the words "depression", but it was like hindsight was 20/20 and it hit me that all the unpredictability in his moods and reactions, sometimes feeling like I didn't know who he was, the weeks of withdrawing that I couldn't get him to snap out of... it wasn't really about me. It wasn't our relationship. I remember him even saying that sometimes. And I made a lot of it about me. I didn't understand. I feel foolish, and selfish because I've never suffered from depression nor have I known someone to suffer from before. I am so angry at myself for not SEEING it and letting the goods times convince me there were no issues. Anyways, I really respect him for breaking it off. He said that he didn't have the capacity to treat me the way I deserved to be treated right now. He attributed a lot of the support in working with him to open up his feelings to the reason he has realized what he was feeling was not healthy, and that he saw how it was manifesting itself in our relationship. He said he has despised himself for a long time now. Here's what I am struggling with: he admitted that he had wanted to ask me to wait 2 months for him to start getting help and figure things out, but he felt that that was totally unfair to me to just make me wait around for him. He said that he loved me. I respect him for breaking up with me to work on himself instead of trying to drag out a relationship. I also know this was him putting "will you wait for me?" on the table. I showed a lot of compassion, and told him how deeply I cared for him, straight up bawled my eyes out feeling love for him and was so happy that he was getting help and that he was doing the right thing and being really mature. But I said that I would not wait for him. I feel like he is right, it isn't fair for him to ask me to put my life on hold, and I thought it was very loving of him to let me go and find someone that would fulfill all my needs. At the same time, I'm not totally sure that I'm unwilling to wait a bit. And I'm struggling with the idea of letting go. He said that I was the best woman he'd ever been with, and I think he realized that he couldn't be happy ignoring his symptoms any longer. Before it was easier to blame everything else, now he's realizing it's time for a change. It's hard to let him go. He was the first person I've been with that I actively saw a long future with. I hadn't wanted children, and I was really picturing that with him. But would being willing to wait for him would cause him to walk all over me. I know with depression, it's important to be caring, but it's also important to have boundaries. I know he cannot take the pressure of considering my needs right now and that he needs to work on himself. He wants to call me in 2 months and touch base from time to time. I told him that I would like this. I want to write him a letter and tell him that while I'm not waiting for him, that I'm also open to see what happens in the future. I don't know, maybe I should have just said I'd wait. I think this would have put too much pressure to either A)be ready faster than he's going to be and B) just be another disappointment. Maybe I should leave it at "we'll see what happens" and let it go. I need some insight from an objective 3rd party. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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