Boyfriend broke up with me due to depression, wants to get help first

[covertmission]

So, just an update from a previous post in relationship conflicts. Sorry another long post.

 

The impending break up came, but it was not at all what I expected. The last thing that he had told me before our break up was that he was unhappy and that our relationship was an unhealthy cycle. And I had to agree, he'd spent 6 weeks seriously withdrawn after a situation where I had been a disrespectful about his faith, despite all my efforts to apologize and even honor his views and attend church with him. And at the time, I had thought it was situational depression. He was having a tough time at work (He's a military officer and the military has high depression rate), and his sister was murdered a few years back, and the trial for the suspected murder was happening at the time, which was a huge emotional drain on him. Many phone calls of ours involved him in a cold state, only to dissolve into a fit of tears over pain. I had mentioned to him seeing a therapist for his sister's murder in the past to no avail.

 

Yesterday, when he was breaking up with me, I fully expected it to be over perceived differences in our values that he believed was causing our fights. Instead, he said that he needed to get help. That he still spends huge parts of his day angry over his sister's murder, that there are issues from his past relationships that he had never dealt with, and that he was really struggling to even be in his own skin. He never used the words "depression", but it was like hindsight was 20/20 and it hit me that all the unpredictability in his moods and reactions, sometimes feeling like I didn't know who he was, the weeks of withdrawing that I couldn't get him to snap out of... it wasn't really about me. It wasn't our relationship. I remember him even saying that sometimes. And I made a lot of it about me. I didn't understand. I feel foolish, and selfish because I've never suffered from depression nor have I known someone to suffer from before. I am so angry at myself for not SEEING it and letting the goods times convince me there were no issues.

 

Anyways, I really respect him for breaking it off. He said that he didn't have the capacity to treat me the way I deserved to be treated right now. He attributed a lot of the support in working with him to open up his feelings to the reason he has realized what he was feeling was not healthy, and that he saw how it was manifesting itself in our relationship. He said he has despised himself for a long time now.

 

Here's what I am struggling with: he admitted that he had wanted to ask me to wait 2 months for him to start getting help and figure things out, but he felt that that was totally unfair to me to just make me wait around for him. He said that he loved me. I respect him for breaking up with me to work on himself instead of trying to drag out a relationship. I also know this was him putting "will you wait for me?" on the table. I showed a lot of compassion, and told him how deeply I cared for him, straight up bawled my eyes out feeling love for him and was so happy that he was getting help and that he was doing the right thing and being really mature. But I said that I would not wait for him. I feel like he is right, it isn't fair for him to ask me to put my life on hold, and I thought it was very loving of him to let me go and find someone that would fulfill all my needs. At the same time, I'm not totally sure that I'm unwilling to wait a bit. And I'm struggling with the idea of letting go. He said that I was the best woman he'd ever been with, and I think he realized that he couldn't be happy ignoring his symptoms any longer. Before it was easier to blame everything else, now he's realizing it's time for a change.

 

It's hard to let him go. He was the first person I've been with that I actively saw a long future with. I hadn't wanted children, and I was really picturing that with him. But would being willing to wait for him would cause him to walk all over me. I know with depression, it's important to be caring, but it's also important to have boundaries. I know he cannot take the pressure of considering my needs right now and that he needs to work on himself. He wants to call me in 2 months and touch base from time to time. I told him that I would like this. I want to write him a letter and tell him that while I'm not waiting for him, that I'm also open to see what happens in the future.

 

I don't know, maybe I should have just said I'd wait. I think this would have put too much pressure to either A)be ready faster than he's going to be and B) just be another disappointment. Maybe I should leave it at "we'll see what happens" and let it go. I need some insight from an objective 3rd party.

[Wiseman2]

The depression may be bothering him but he may also be using it to get out of a grossly incompatible unlikely LDR. Chronically arguing and finally trashing his Christian values was the end right?

 

It sounds like too much arguing over your differences and devolving to character assignations. Agree it's an unhealthy cycle.

 

All you can do is take his word for it that it's too conflicted and he's unhappy. Go no contact so you can reflect and regroup.

[covertmission]

No, we actually worked on the christian values thing and I've been really supportive with him for a while on that. I have been more open minded about it, and I've been really actively enjoying spending time with him in his faith. He agreed that his needs had been met.

 

Definitely an unhealthy cycle, but I'm realizing now that the unhealthy cycle was more a power struggle between depression and my needs in a relationship.

 

During the break up, I did reference our differences, and that it was likely he did not want a woman like me with my values, and he was adamantly against this. I said he was saying these things to make me feel better, and this is when he came out with the fact that he needed help. He said it wasn't that I hadn't contributed, but his struggles were taking up too much of his energy.

[itsallgrand]

I think it was the right idea to not wait for him.

 

I'm sorry about the break up. I'm sorry you are hurting.

 

I'm trying to even imagine a murder in my family, it's so terrible I can barely get my mind around that. It's wonderful he realizes he needs help with coming to terms with that in his life. It's good you got to leave each other on this note - that he is going to take care of himself.

Move forward with your head high. No need to really make big statements about contact in the future. It's natural to phase out contact after a break up

[abitbroken]

Here's what I am struggling with: he admitted that he had wanted to ask me to wait 2 months for him to start getting help and figure things out, but he felt that that was totally unfair to me to just make me wait around for him. He said that he loved me. I respect him for breaking up with me to work on himself instead of trying to drag out a relationship. I also know this was him putting "will you wait for me?" on the table.

 

I would let him go. 2 months is not nearly long enough to work through his sister's murder, and work through his numbness. It could be a longer process. I would not contact him at all for 2 months and do not answer his calls or if he is persistent, reinforce that not talking is best. And then when you are ready, begin going out with others.

[RomansEmpire]

I think things are fine where you've left them. It's perfectly okay for you to say I am not putting my life on hold for this. You agreed to resume communication in a couple of months when he feels a bit more stable. No contact till then is probably a good idea. Just let him come to you when he feels ready and then you can make a decision about the future at that time. Be prepared not to hear from him in 2 months and try not to get angry or upset if you don't. He may still not be capable of a relationship. Focus on you and your needs.