i think i've gone too far

[wanderer]

ok here's some background: my first and last girlfriend, a girl a year younger than me (i was 17 and she was 16, now i'm 18 and she's 17) broke up 7 months ago. or rather, she dumped me, which worked out for her because she was cheating on me with an ex the whole 6 months we were together, and those two got together again a week after she dumped me. and she lied to be about a lot of things, major and minor, all of which i found out about AFTER the relationship, either from her or other people. we were on good terms for a while.

 

but for the last 5 months, i've been totally ignoring her whenever i saw her. i''d walk right past her at school and not even look at her, and act like she didn't exist. even when she said something to me, i just kept walking. for me, this was my way of getting back at her for being so careless towards my feelings during our relationship. for me, it was my way of hurting her, and i enjoyed it, to be honest. it gave me a power over her, and i felt better than her, since during our relationship she had the power and was in the drivers' seat because she was experienced with boys, whereas she my first gf, kiss, everything.

 

well fast-forward to last week. i noticed she had missed the whole week of school. i heard one of her teachers talking to some students about how my ex was sick, and while "she would be ok, she'll be out for a while". this made me a little nervous, despite how much i loathed her for the past few months. i wanted to call her parents and check in with them, but i never did. then yesterday, she was in school again. i saw her walking in the hallway while i was heading towards where she was coming from. there was nobody else in the hallway, so it was obvious that i was intentionally ignoring her when she said "hey, how ya doing" to me, and i just kept walking. they way she said it was soft, breathy and generally forced and unhappy (not angry or anything, but sad) i didn't think much of it.

 

then today, one of my teachers (who knows me and my ex and taught us both last year when we were together) if me and my ex were still friends. i said "haha, no way" like usual. then she said, "because i heard she was having some trouble, like emotional trouble." now THIS made me really worried. this might have something to do with her being gone last week, and i can't but imagine think that she might have done something to hurt herself and her parents kept her home because of it. this is purely speculation, but i am really worried.

 

because of what my teacher said today, i feel very VERY bad about how i've been treating her. i am angry at myself for actually wanting to hurt her, i've been a total jerk, and i think i played a part in the way she feels emotionally. i understand now why she spoke to me so timidly and sadly yesterday. i'm not sure how much of her trouble is from me, or if i'm a part of it at all, but i can't help but feel i'm to blame and i feel just awful for it.

 

i really need some help here.

[DN]

You don't have to blame yourself. She lied and cheated and you owed her nothing and still don't. So you have nothing to reproach yourself about.

 

But that does not mean that you can't talk to her, ask her if there is anything you can do, or if she would like to talk to you about anything. When people are in trouble it is a good thing to do to see if you can help - even if they have treated you badly in the past.

 

Even if she refuses, you will have a done a good thing.

[mataney]

if it bothers you so much. i don't see why you can't give her a call. once you find out, you can continue to ignore her. remember, she cheated on you and treated you like crap.

 

you obviously are still concerned about her well being but to make things at ease with yourself, go ahead and talk to her. on the phone or in the hallway. but don't get sucked in. good luck

[lady00]

Try not to beat yourself up. She treated you badly when you were together...it is natural that you would be angry with her and not talk to her. That said, if you see her again, go ahead and say hi to her if she says hi to you but you should not feel the need to help her w/her emotional problems...trying to intervene would probably just cause problems between the two of you and make things more stressful for her because it would be a reminder of the past. If you want, and if you have any good ideas, you can mention that you heard she wasn't feeling well and suggest someone who she can talk to but she needs to be able to lean on other people at this time. She seems like she needs help dealing with her issues but try not to get involved yourself...it may just lead to more pain for the both of you.

[WhatInThe]

i don't think you should be mad at yourself. shes the one that cheated on you in the first place. but i think you should talk to her and say something like "i'm sorry for the way that i've been acting and i'm sorry if it hurts you but how do you think i felt when you were cheating on me" or something like that. but like mataney said "don't get sucked in".

[Iceman26]

I agree with everyone else. I am happy to hear about how you handled the situation, good for you. You shouldnt wish ill on anyone, but now that you know she is ok, keep doing what you are doing. Let her new/old boyfriend worry about her emotional problems and her taking a week off of school.

[DN]

I don't think you need apologise for anything. Just ignore that part. You are just making sure she is ok and asking if she need any help. You did nothing to apologise for.

[SouthernSon]

Do not beat yourself up over this. All you're doing is ignoring her. I mean crap, it isn't like you're out slashing her tires or breaking in her windows. And she can't handle being ignored? Good lord...

 

 

If ever you start doubting yourself if you are being too harsh, just try to think back when you were together and you got your first kiss from her. The next night she could easily have been getting some action from her ex, and a lot more than kissing I'm sure.

[wanderer]

well i think i'm part of why she's upset. at our school, she's considered one of the outcasts, partly because of me. when we were together, all of my friends were her friends too. when she dumped me, and my friends found out everything she did to me, they pushed her away and won't even talk to her anymore. sometimes she tried to get into conversations, and people who were once her friends are doing just what i did, and ignoring her entirely, as if she's not even there. again i feel like i'm really hurting her, even if i have nothing to apologize for, it still makes me feel awful. she doesn't have many friends at our school, and the only friends she has in school are a few freshmen, and she's a junior. she has friends outside of school, so i always figured she was fine with this. i feel like she just wants to be wanted and appreciated enough to talk to people, instead of being considered sub-human like i've made her out to be, and i now know that this is mean and unfair to do to anyone.

 

i think i'm going to talk to her and ask her if she's ok, because i heard she was having some trouble. i'll tell her that i'm acting like i am because i wanted her to know what it's like to have your feelings ignored, and your kindness taken for granted. i won't apologize but i'll tell her that if she needs help with anything, i'll be here. i'm a senior, so i'm leaving for college in a few months, and i'd prefer if i could leave a peace between us before i go, because i may very well never see her again after this year.

[Executive Decision]

Dude forget her. Her emotional state is not your problem anymore. Just relax and hook up with some cheerleader or something .

[DN]

I think you plan is good. No need to 'punish' her anymore and you would be doing a kind thing. Good for you.