Miss my ex's kids

[Dougly 85]

Hi.

 

My girlfriend of just over 2 years split up with me a couple of months ago. She is 39 and has 3 kids that rarely see their father. I'm 31 and have no kids, all I have ever wanted is kids. When we first got together I thought there was a chance of having a kid together as her youngest was only 1. It became clear she didn't want anymore for a variety of reasons and I was Ok with this as I came to love her kids so much, I felt like I couldn't love one of my own anymore than hers. I wasn't willing to give up my dream of having kids for her, it was because I'd already got her 3 in my life. No we've split up and she doesn't let me see the kids I don't know what to do. I think it's for the best I don't see them, my ex says it would be confusing for them.

The kids are the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of when I go to sleep, I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about them. Everyday at work is a struggle not to cry and I spend hours crying at home. Walking down the street I often start crying. I can't take much more of this pain, but I hate the thought of no longer feeling the pain, I feel like it would mean I don't care about them anymore and I'd hate myself for that. The fact I'm not properly over my ex probably doesn't help.

I don't know how I can move on with my life, I don't feel like I could be in a relationship with someone else with kids ever again, in case I have to go though this again but more importantly, I wouldn't want to feel like I was replacing her 3, they're irreplaceable. It wouldn't be fair on the kids of a potential new partner either. My ex was my first girlfriend so I'm only used to being in a relationship involving kids and I know they're what made the relationship so amazing whilst we were together, I feel like if I was in a relationship with someone with no kids that there would be a huge void. I have the constant fear I might meet somebody and have kids, and of course I'd love them as much as my ex's although I know I couldn't love them anymore, what worries me is I might not like my own kids as much as my ex's who are so unique and perfect. I'd thought about adopting before meeting my ex, so DNA isn't important, but I don't feel like I could adopt anymore either for the same reasons I've already talked about.

I just don't know what to do. It's no good saying give it time and things will feel better because I don't what things to feel better what kind of person would I be If I didn't feel a huge sense of loss everyday? I'm not sure what the point of this long rambling post is other than to try to get things off my chest and maybe see if anyone else is going through the same thing

[Seraphim]

I am so sorry that you miss them it must be so heartbreaking . And it would be for them as well . Thank you you have given me an insight into what my stepdad may have felt when we left many many years ago . He raised us for seven years and then we never saw him again . I last saw him 38 years ago .

[happyfrank]

Give yourself sometime to heal.. Maybe you can find single girl and maybe she can have your kid in the future.

[Dougly 85]

I forgot to say. I live in the same town as my ex and we both at the same place, although not the same part so I don't really see her. I keep hoping I'll bump into the kids, just so I can see them one last time. When I was told to leave I only got chance to say goodbye to her daughter who gave me a hug and said 'I love you daddy' She didn't think I was her dad, but she did call me dad quite a bit; I can't stop thinking about that and that I never got chance to say goodbye to the boys. I will definitely bump into the kids at some point in time, I keep having the fear that It might not be for ages and when say hello they won't remember me. Or what I think is even worse is that when I next see them they'll be much older and I know they wouldn't remember or recognize me so what's the point of saying hello, but how could I possibly pass by without speaking to them? Time doesn't make it any better, it's getting harder as every day passes.

[Seraphim]

It will definitely get easier. You won't feel that way indefinitely . I know it makes no sense right now but it will.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this but she's doing the right thing. Perhaps you should consider having your own family when you consider dating again. It's odd you miss her kids more than her, no? You sound a bit too attached to them.

No we've split up and she doesn't let me see the kids I don't know what to do. I think it's for the best I don't see them, my ex says it would be confusing for them.

[Dougly 85]

Sorry to hear this but she's doing the right thing. Perhaps you should consider having your own family when you consider dating again. It's odd you miss her kids more than her, no? You sound a bit too attached to them.

 

I'm sorry but I think that's a ridiculous statement. Of course I miss my ex, we'd talked about marriage and moving in and our future together. I thought she was my soulmate. relationships fail and you have to move on. But with the kids we felt like a family and I loved them as if they were my own. How do you move on from 3 amazing kids? I have no idea, I don't think it's possible, that's why the post is about the kids rather than my ex.

[Seraphim]

I know you think you won't move on but you will . My mom and my stepdad married when I was six years old . And they broke up when I was 12 or abouts. My brother and I cried every night for about a year. But we moved on and so did he . It does get better.

 

You will love your own kids love is not limited .

[Liraele]

It's normal to miss the kids, too. Especially when you've played an important role in raising them.

 

I agree, though, that it's probably best for you and the kiddos to allow the space to grow and for you to move on.

 

While I can understand your fear that you won't like your own children "as much"... you will. Each child is unique, and you'll love them just by merit of them being your kids. Love is one of those things that isn't depleted by giving it out. There's always more to go around.

 

Love them, wish them well, root for them if you see anything public come up in the future - but let go and move on with your own dreams.

[charity]

I understand you are grieving for the loss of the children in your life.

 

But I think your thought process is making things even harder for you.

 

You mention fearing that you won't 'like' your own kids as much and certainly won't love them more. You are wrong.

 

Let me tell you why.

 

You only knew these children a short time and your involvement with them, I am assuming, was limited. With your own children you will be there from day 1 and you will be involved in everything- from the emotional to the financial to the boring to the exciting. You will know every gesture, look, expression, mannerism that they have. Even if you don't like certain things about them it doesn't matter because you you know everything about them and so you understand why they are how they are and you accept it.

 

Clearly you have a lot of love to give and have a fondness for children. Don't relate that just to those particular children. It is in you to give that to other children also.

 

As a single parent with children, I don't let a boyfriend into their lives in a close context until I feel this is a lasting thing, which has never happened. Maybe to avoid this in future you may not get so involved with a girlfriends kids for at least a year? Something to think about...

[Dougly 85]

I understand you are grieving for the loss of the children in your life.

 

But I think your thought process is making things even harder for you.

 

You mention fearing that you won't 'like' your own kids as much and certainly won't love them more. You are wrong.

 

Let me tell you why.

 

You only knew these children a short time and your involvement with them, I am assuming, was limited. With your own children you will be there from day 1 and you will be involved in everything- from the emotional to the financial to the boring to the exciting. You will know every gesture, look, expression, mannerism that they have. Even if you don't like certain things about them it doesn't matter because you you know everything about them and so you understand why they are how they are and you accept it.

 

Clearly you have a lot of love to give and have a fondness for children. Don't relate that just to those particular children. It is in you to give that to other children also.

 

As a single parent with children, I don't let a boyfriend into their lives in a close context until I feel this is a lasting thing, which has never happened. Maybe to avoid this in future you may not get so involved with a girlfriends kids for at least a year? Something to think about...

 

Yet I feel like I know all their mannerisms and all their likes dislikes, I've cooked meals for them, changed their nappies, bathed them, got up in the middle of the night to get them drinks, helped to take care of them when they were ill, been on several family holidays. I've babysitted hundreds of times I'v taken care of all three for a couple of days at a time whilst their mother was away, I've taken them to school and picked them up, I've been to their award ceremonies, spend two Christmases with them. I was due to look after them for a full week whist their mum was in New York with work for a week ( that didn't happen because we split up) I've watched them grow up and loved every minute of it. So my involvement was not limited.