Dishonoured. Mathematical Suicide or Homicide?

[Nwadour]

This contains so many thematics. They all lead to one conclusion: a mathematically unavoidable suicide. But right... I've got also bad in math...

 

"Man [and woman!] fears looking deep inside himself for the paradoxes within him, and seeks distraction from such delving, just to make life seem easier"

 

"Be satisfied with what you have, and you will remain in illusion for the rest of your life"

 

I quote Pascal to initiate my first post, so you may have a better impression of my current situation. Currently, I'm in the final months of my scholar life, or better, in the final weeks. Time cannot be stopped. Time flows faster than a depression can. And this makes the outcome even harder.

This depression roots in a great change, that, to the eyes of an old suffering soul looking back at those times, looks like a wrong change at the wrong moment. I seized the wrong day.

For 17 years my heart was nurtured by the gift of knowledge and smartness. I could have been called "eccentric" from the person I am today, but in past I could not since it was absolutely normal for me to be curious of nature, of things, of the world, wherever I learned it, at school or outside. Maybe my attitude towards other people looked eccentric, but I didn't notice it. I was totally untouched, uninfluenced by the social constellations around me. I was determined in learning and, if I could, I helped my friends.

During this time I didn't care about any social relationship and the only women I fell in love with have been top models invited to my house - experiences which obviously reinforced my determination in studying and getting A+ in all subjects instead of caring about love.

Maybe it was unavoidable, however, for a person who learns the world independently from society, to research the science of our own mind, and the minds of other people. And that's exactly what resulted in the great change. A few experiments among other constellations of society where I could "start from the beginning" and I was immediately the "social butterfly" with wonderful relationships, a high charisma and donor of joy.

It became wonderful to finally engage in affairs and romances with top models, singers, dancers, to be in the centre of attention, parties, conferences, sex, competitions. With time I even noticed that I was able to have the same successfull impact on people I knew formerly, although this already produced a kind of stress: being seen as a "looser/nerd/eccentric" by some people and the total opposite by others. Until then, I was totally under control. And it had been wonderful months.

..."Nostalgias develop like grammar lessons: you find the present tense and the past perfect"

Until I got my report card of Year 2004. My average had gone down to B. And that's when I first realized the consequences of my change. Initially I tried to seek a balance, but no, it only caused me to get worse in both academics and social life. And then I questioned my heart. And I also remembered that we're living in a world where having the opportunity of studying itself is very rare, just as life: look at all those poor kids forced to war and death. I remembered, in all cases, that my heart strives not for a temporary and present enjoyment and that during my younger years - actually, before the great change even started, which is not even 2 years ago - my first step, my first target had been to finish at least school with an average A+ and apply for a good university.

I remembered, and I always started looking for compromises, but I never got better than B again. And then I started focusing. To concentrate more and follow a precise study plan. These are probably very simple tasks to solve for every "normal" person who haven't required "great changes" to live balanced between social and academic life.

Symptoms of depression emerged. Maybe it was due to the sudden lack of so much love and attention. Maybe it was only instinctive feelings, although in my determined and rebel soul my only target remained scoring higher points as possible.

And then rose another thought in my mind: maybe my instincts managed to counter my determination. Maybe I started feeling "guilty" for being so "success-minded" and "perfectionist" - those being the new definitions ever since I started looking around on the web on psychological literature. Maybe I started feeling "guilty" about the fact that I didn't want to have fun like the others, that I didn't "let myself go" with girls, etc.

Guilty about the fact that my "carpe diem" is different from that of others: as long as you have the time to do so, study! And when some people told me that maybe in the past I also had a way of having fun in my personal way, the only thing that came into my mind was: learning extra-scholar stuff. I started reducing my ambition heights, and by doing so, also my efficiency at school has shrunken.

So many thoughts, so many depressive moments, so many bad marks ever since. I remember that up to one week ago I happily participated in most of the subjects; now, I feel bitter, acid, tense, stress, I hear my blood passing through my veins. I try to do everything possible, and everytime I really engage myself with a scholar task, I need enormous amounts of energy that is consumed into negativity by the still bad results: the past few days we were given back a few results of examinations. D (!), C, C, B, C

It's as if the more I try to improve, the more I get worse. This drives me into depression, seriously. And today, when a wonderful girl came to say hi to me I almost PUKED for the instinctive happiness that grew in me when she approached me. In the past I was non-caring about social relationships. Now, I'm rebuking it, totally elusive. Because, that had been the only element that had changed in me. Today, I acted totally furious with anyone who talked to me. I start becoming fed up with everyone, even at school.

And what's most sad is, I've noticed that, unlike 1 year ago, I'm starting to dislike certain subjects - something which for conventional people may be absolutely "normal", but not for me. Now I'm 18 years old and I notice that I'm often distracted even while doing simple calculus or integration. My reasoning and creativity has ceased. What I don't know is, whether this is caused by the social change or by the depression - although I opt for a mixture of both. And, I simply don't know anymore what to do.

There are just a few months remaining till my school life ends and this is my current situation, which is the total antithesis of what I have achieved up to one year ago.

I noticed that I'm not determined anymore, in anything I do. And with the current marks I get, the only "energy" I suddenly feel in myself is another aberrant thing I've never felt in my first 17 years: instincts of murder, self-murder, rape, vulgarism, blood and vengeance towards what has crippled me. Only my reasoning reminds me that those are wrong instincts, but I don't know how long they will last.

And I know that something terrible will happen if I don't find an activating solution - no step by step stuff - to my decreasing marks. I've started saying no to many parties, girls, everyone. All. But not only. Even to other things I "learn" out of school, things that won't help me getting an A+ in the subjects relevant to high-ranked university admission.

Over 1500 people (most of them being of my own school) to whom I have depicted this problem, have tried to convince me that school-marks aren't everything in life. But I know that it's the first step. I know that they are lying, or they have been lied to. So, the first favour I ask you is please not to say anything that deviates me from scholar ambition.

That's what makes me PUKE most.

Why not be satisfied with what I already have, and instead of stressing myself so much, why don't I resume my social activities and have sex with all the girls outside?

The very thought itself makes me prefer killing myself. Really, with all the physical pain that follows to this depression, I prefer killing myself than having everything else in the world. I would feel hurt in my dignity for the rest of my life if I get an "average B" for the final exams. Not hurt. I would kill myself. Probably after killing everyone else.

I can have fun and "enjoy life" after school. Not now. Please. Vade retro, satana!

Please, help me finding a solution to regaining spirit and joy in studying, enhanced studying. Today I was holding back heavy tears during the entire lessons at school. My breath was short. I talked bad with my schoolmates, my friends and girls, menacing them with death. I want this to finish!

Death or Life. A loss of all my opportunities, a proof of human stupidity, of the very fact that we do not appreciate and take advantage of what we have, can be punished only with painful Death. The alternative would be a dishonoured life, of fake satisfactions (and the awareness of this fakeness), and probably a life that will end up in crime. I feel the instinct to kill my friends.

[MetallicAguy]

Dude, killing yourself is pointless. The thought of WANTING to kill your friends is really scary...it even sounds like a Columbine re-make...get some serious help. Killing yourself over school and getting a B average is NOT BAD! Some people have to even go to Community College so at least it isn't all that bad for you. You have your life laid out and it's all good, is your drive of human nature to be appreciated satisfied? Or is it not? What is so depressing, what specifically wants you to make you kill yourself...and why kill your friends?

[Nwadour]

Dude, killing yourself is pointless. The thought of WANTING to kill your friends is really scary...

 

What if it's a kind of protest against the social conditions, and especially my own conditions?

 

getting a B average is NOT BAD!

 

My own values... Tell Michael Schumacher that it's not bad to get second place in F1.

 

What is so depressing, what specifically wants you to make you kill yourself...and why kill your friends?

 

People are different in this world. For some people, family is important, for others, it's friends, and for people like me, it's all what you have engaged to realize a dream since childhood. It's more or less the only thing I have... A+ is a confirmation of my person. Without it I feel hurt in my honour and dignity.

 

And the very thought that in this moment I'm so weak at school (weak for my own values, I repeat), makes me go havoc. It creates murderous instincts in me. I would like to kill all the girls that have had sex with me for the loss of this success.

 

Maybe you would understand my situation if I described it in a more conventional way.

 

Imagine that some people promise you nice things. You are happy with them. And later you realize they've robbed you of your entire property, whether it's you girlfriend, your son, your money, the thing that is most valuable to you. Something that you cannot have back.

 

That's my situation, and that's why I find it reasonable to kill myself and everyone who has caused this. Now it's almost impossible to get A+ average...

 

When I'm among my friends, they talk so nicely with me. I almost am tempted to forget all this nonsense. To forget the school and be happy with my friends and continue having sex with girls.

 

But then I remember that that's damn temptation. That that's exactly what has ruined my life.

Today I got yet another C, in math. I have always used to get A+ in math. I'm not exaggerating. I say A+. And now it's C.

 

I've already started sending anticipatory letters, telling them to be prepared for the end.

 

Anything against all this?

My mind is so ruined...

[whatfor]

If getting good marks such as A+ is important for you, why not work your a$s off to achieve it? Why choosing the easist way instead of working things out? And your friends have nothing to do with you not being able to get A+. Stop hanging out with friends for a while - go study, stop having sex with girls - go study. Im sure not one pushes you to have sex with girls so why do you hate them then?

Stop all these thoughts! If you really want to kill yourself, dont touch anyone else at least!

[Nwadour]

If getting good marks such as A+ is important for you, why not work your a$s off to achieve it?

 

Because in certain subjects I've already done the last examinations... it's all finished. There's no rewind, no making things good. Les jeux sont fais.

 

And your friends have nothing to do with you not being able to get A+.

 

Of course, as I prooved in my first post: they set conditions in me, they have made of me what I am now. I only did the great change. They did the gread fall. I've lost my ability to write, to concentrate, to reason well while doing math, to participate in lessons. It CAN'T be my fault, if before I never had such kind of problems. There HAS to be a cause to this and my heart says it's them.

 

Stop hanging out with friends for a while - go study, stop having sex with girls - go study. Im sure not one pushes you to have sex with girls so why do you hate them then?

 

I've started to try a stopping procedure. I hate them because my instinctive part is tempted by them.

 

Stop all these thoughts! If you really want to kill yourself, dont touch anyone else at least!

 

If you would be so kind to state more precise and calculated argumentations for which I shouldn't do so, maybe I will be open-minded enough to understand.

 

Some of my friends have started laughing about what I've told them. They don't even take my problems seriously. For them, an A+ is nothing. They still want to have fun with me, even after I told them I will kill them, trying to be friendly and all.

Puke at them.

[whatfor]

You sound a bit better now or not?

 

You cant turn back time to change your marks. So is killing yourself a way? I understand that marks are important to you, but you have to find another solution.

Everyone wants to turn back time to change things, always! But it is not in our power. Just try to get better, set goals and achieve things.

Everyone has problems and a hard life. You have it better than most on the earth. So be happy

[CrystalDawn]

First of all it's good to set goals like that but getting all A+ is very hard. Don't be so hard on you're self it sounds as though you're doing just fine. You'll pass, and be able to move on to collage rather easily. You're expecting to much of yourself and that's causeing you stress relax some and have fun. It's impossible to be perfect. You're blessed with smarts and that's good that will get you very far in life. But it will get you no where if you kill you're self now. I mean no offence by this, it's just what it sounds like to me.

[Nwadour]

You sound a bit better now or not?

 

Actually, I'm worse. Some of my friends are preparing counter-threats. This is becoming like streetfight. But I have my own ways to kill... whether they're weak or strong, in mind or in body.

 

[...] So be happy

 

A captain never abandons his ship. Even when it's sinking. I will go down with my ship!

 

First of all it's good to set goals like that but getting all A+ is very hard. Don't be so hard on you're self it sounds as though you're doing just fine. You'll pass, and be able to move on to collage rather easily. You're expecting to much of yourself and that's causeing you stress relax some and have fun. It's impossible to be perfect.

 

This is what usually everyone tells me. So, did you actually read the first post or not? I've had an average of A+ until grade 12. Always. And even in this moment several friends of mine have A+ average without even sacrificing other things they like to learn. Having an A+ average doesn't mean "perfection". There are so many in this world. To get to a college like Oxford or the ETH in Zurich A+ average is a basic standard for undergraduates. And I want to have this basic standard feature. I don't believe in perfection. Hence, I agree with you that it's impossible to be something that doesn't exist.

It's too late for me to have fun, because now, while I have fun I regret of doing so, because that could have been one of the reasons I will probably (if I live on) go to some junk university. I hate fun. I feel my teeth wanting to gnaw at human flesh when I think about what has ruined me.

I can relax only if I somehow manage to get back my A+ average. Which is impossible now... unless a miracle happens.

 

But it will get you no where if you kill you're self now. I mean no offence by this, it's just what it sounds like to me.

 

It's the feeling of yearning for revenge. It's a sort of new goal for my "life". To show the world what it's bad conditions are able to cause and remove cause and effects from its face. Hence, it is my new goal, a goal full of energy and determination within me: if any of my friends or those licentous girls were here right now, I could imagine every macabrous action on their blood, the juice of their eyes, the taste of the neurons in their brains. The hilarity of finally slaughtering them together with my own corrupted life.

[whatfor]

Is it possible for you to go your school year or semester or whatever it is again???? So you could go through the same course again and study better and get better marks. Here in my country or university its possible, i can just ask to transfer me back, and like start next school year from the same semester, i actually did it. You can't turn back time but maybe you could do that (study the same year again)???? And this time get all your A+'?

[Nwadour]

I will confess that I've already considered the latter option, although quite superficially; the current circumstances don't allow me a second opportunity - I was granted a scholarship - thanks to my initial skills - at one of the most prestigious high schools in my country and even the act of asking to repeat the semester (which individually/financially) would be unimaginable. I think you understand what I mean.

 

My friends have started bridging dialogue with me, trying to make me feel better, to make me satisfied. In a first moment I always feel happy, and I still do sometimes feel that my ambitions are even "morally and socially wrong", trying to convince me that "mine is an obsession" -

Is it an obsession to desire good life conditions for one's own future?

Is it an obsession to work on it?

Is it an obsession to elaborate the most opportunistic methods to foster these conditions? -

and then, yes, it's exactly because of this society that I must have let down my own will. And I remember that it's only a "diverting happiness" - as Pascal called it - a happiness like a drug, alcohol, to forget where you have failed. I don't want a happiness based on nothing. That's why I want to leave the world in a theatrical, dramatic way, that will involve many people, will leave behind absurd mystery, pain and regret towards the contemporary conditions of life. A kind of protest. An uprising against emotional standards. A defense of my personal story and values.

 

I will go down with this ship.

[whatfor]

so you are going to do it???????????????????????????

do you have a plan????????????????????????????

[TallTom]

Have you considered making a appointment to speak with your college therapist or counselor? Every college has such a person for students just like you. And such students do seek such persons to talk to...but sometimes the students need a little push. It is mature to go talk to the college counselor and very healthy to do. This person has a lot of power and can talk to your school dean about your situation, especially since you have a scholarship there. This person can also talk to your professors and can instruct the professors to provide extra-help sessions for you. Once they all know your situation, they'll be more than willing to help you.

 

You can meet with the professors in their office at their available times and say "teacher, I'm having trouble in school and I was wondering if there is a way you can help me grasp the subject matter...is there a way I can do something for extra credit to boost my grades?" Its ok to say that you're having trouble grasping the subject, the professors encourage students to come in to talk to them to negotiate. If you don't do this, they'll never know you need help. They'll never know you want to succeed. Remember your eventual goal of what you wanted to do beyond college...think about your special skills that the industry will see as very valuable.

 

Suicide is a very selfish act. It doesn't solve the problems, it only creates more problems. What problems am i talking about? Well, it can send your family into depression...so you'll be hurting them, causing them to suffer because of your problem. Do you know the cost of funerals these days? Its tens of thousands if not hundreds of thousand dollars (in USD). Who's going to pay for that if you kill yourself? Certainly you don't have life insurance and it takes years for such insurance to mature. Your parents will end up footing the bill right? Its as if you don't care about your parents with such a selfish act. So, the problems don't go away...What happens is people asking, "what made him do it? Why didn't he seek help through professionals, not just his friends?".

 

Your college counselor who has the power to help you is there! Just a phone call away. He or she will keep everything confidential with you and will only translate certain information to your professors and Dean if you agree with it...and won't do this without your knowledge of it. Your counselor will most likely ask you if you keep a journal. And if not, he/she will instruct you to keep a journal to show your progress between appointments.

 

Also, best of all, this counselor is FREE!!! Yes, no fees to pay because you're still a student at your college. Why not utilize this resource? Be a man, take the risk of talking to this person. It is your weapon against failure...and your tool to success.

 

Here is something for you to know.

A psychologist or counselor who is a Therapist, is not a psychotherapist.

Many people fear that a therapist is out to get them. not true. they help in many ways. and if they need to, they are usually licensed to prescribe certain (not all) medications if necessary. Only they can determine this after other forms of help have failed.

 

Not saying this is for you. but sometimes when the chemicals in the brain go off balanced it can make it difficult to gain a full perspective and develop a warped sense of life...this is usually when the dr will prescribe a medication and the medication will help in many ways. Its as if a curtain that has been laying upon you just seems to evaporate.

 

So, can you please try this one source? At least give it a shot. What's there to lose?

[Nwadour]

so you are going to do it???????????????????????????

Haven't made any final decision yet. But if I don't find any solution to my problem...

 

do you have a plan????????????????????????????

I don't know! Maybe buy 30 bottles of different alcohol, stir 10g of KCN in each, mix KCl in salty food, etc. organize a wonderful party with many people. Just to show where fun can lead to. And then I'll eat the dying, so that also I will get infected with the poison.

 

 

You can meet with the professors[...]

Generally, all they say is "You are really an intelligent person","You do have enormous potential", and when I say that I don't feel well during lessons they say "It's just a bad period which will finish..." Thanks, but school is finishing much earlier, damnit. Generally, they give me every advice possible "Participate more! Write essays, extra-scholar stuff, etc." but how can I follow such advice while the pressure of the past towers above me?

It's not the teachers fault nor responsibility that I'm doing bad. It's social influence. I should ask all the people of my age "Why don't you all stop complaining about school the whole time, instead of prioritising girfriends/parties/etc.?" (read first post in this thread)

 

Suicide is a very selfish act.[...]

Hmmm... so what?

 

Your college counselor[...]

My college counselor doesn't seem to respect my ambitions. He says that I'm okay and shouldn't worry much about my good marks - just as everyone else says. It sounds much like a consolation prize.

 

Regarding the chemical state of my brain:

I've studied enough of neurology/psychiatric therapy/etc. and I personally know professionals involved in that field in order to confirm that mine is an "ideological depression". Professionals would only do the same as everyone else: try convincing me that "I am good as I am".

That's too easy for me. I already mentioned that at any time right now I could stop all these reflections and be a "socially-defined-normal" person with girlfriends and fun, and also study at the same time while remaining satisfied and happy about my life. Thereby I may even forget my ambitions. Yes, even in this moment, when I imagine of not caring much about school, etc. I feel relaxed, accomplished, etc. - and THIS is exactly what I call poison! Why?

Because: in reality, I will go nowhere I wish without this damn A+ average. I FORESEE it!

I foresee myself as a donjuan, happy-go-lucky, not caring about concrete wishes. And even when I foresee myself as a Balanced person, I cannot identify the realization of my true goals.

I know that I can go where I want only with a full devotion to studies in these last months of school. And A+ average. I must forget everything else! Psychologists won't help me to forget everything else...

They will only encourage this "balanced" state.

A state I've avoided in the first 17 years of my life, when my interest was spontaneous, when I laughed about people who said "Ah, this text is to hard to read. I hate school!".

It was imposed, indoctrinated upon me through society, friends, girls.

THAT is the root of all my problems...

[TreeFrog]

Well I worked to get A+ but got a B+ and left college to work for a computer firm which cared not what grade I got. It did bother me at the time

because I was determined to be the best. But as the years rolled by

i change as a person and instead of wanting school smarts (I have an IQ of 145 some would call that enough to be a genius) but now I wish I has street smart or even better I wish I was born lucky because I see how corrput the world is and no matter how much IQ i have I cant think my way out of the hole that I am in at the moment.

 

So all is not lost because you didnt get A+ or wont go on to do what you think you will do because you never can tell what is important in the end.

 

Just my 2 cents...my life is still messed up but i wish I was lucky than smart 4 sure

[Nwadour]

Current progress: burning my skin with gas/fire

 

I am sorry for you, TreeFrog, that you, too, had to end up loosing the ambition through habit. When we start getting used to failure, it starts becoming normal to us and we don't try improving. That's another thing I really would like to avoid in my life. OMG What is happening to me...

Luckily although, we can orientate ourselves by looking at how come others are successful. One thing is definitely sure.

Apart from the lucky people, let's look at those who follow a plan. Who had gone to a very good university has a guaranteed success. It's the normal path of a "genius" - as you call it.

 

The fact itself that one is intelligent IS luck. But the fact that one doesn't make profit of it in the right way (I don't know about B+, but all the A+ people I knew have been admitted to the best universities of the world) is DISHONOUR.

 

I know that I have the "luck" of having many contacts around the world, including prominent people who could open me the doors towards any success I wanted simply for my great social attitude. Yes, the world is corrupted by appearance, etc. and I know how to adapt myself to these things.

However, I don't want it to be so simple. I want to DESERVE something, and to deserve a position you need to study.

I don't want to have a superficial luck, but a merited luck.

I don't want to be just a charismatic show-off, but have a charisma that is founded on true knowledge and intelligence.

True knowledge and intelligence can be proven only through excellent marks.

 

What is important, what is beautiful, is always in the eye of the beholder.

But I dare saying that what is important to a person is generally defined by the level this person reaches. A "normal" person who ended up being a hang-around, happy-go-lucky will never see career and good marks as something important. The same is also for - as I told you before - the person who doesn't manage to reach what he considered important.

We tend to become passive to our failures and act as if they didn't exist.

 

I don't want to fall in this trap.

[doomed_one]

First of all:

True knowledge and intelligence can be proven only through excellent marks.

 

That is wrong. Totally. You missed the mark. If you think that then perhaps you should take a step back and look at what intelligence is again. I have friends who barely passed High School, who blow me away, and I graduated at the top of my class. These friends of mine got internships with companies I will leave unnamed, just cause the employers thought they were Gods amongst men, threw their grades right out the window.

 

So big deal you got a B, I had straight A's last semester, then moved to a new Uni && new country, I work my butt off, and am getting a C AVERAGE... am I happy? Heck no, but I no that I am doing my best, and maybe next year I will do better... and if you think grades are all that will get you into the best Unis ure wrong. The competition is stiff. I knew a girl A+ avg and like dozens of extracurricular, AND had friends, a boy friend and a partime job. So you don't get into the SUPER MOST UBER school, try next year, and if you still dont get in, the year after. Life isnt all grades, 2 years after you get your first major job companies will stop caring about how well you did. References and Contacts.... how else did Bush become president? Was he the most brightest fellow? No, references and contacts. You say you have em? Great, no pressure on you, do your best, and if you mess up, you have a saftey net unlike a lot of us, who go out, and risk our necks.

 

An ambitious person doesn't quit, he keeps going. If Alexander the Great wasnt ambitious he would of enver pushed forward after a few minor set backs. Where would we be now if Einstein just killed himself over some set backs? You are in need some tough love, I suggest you see a counselor, straighten your self out.

 

 

~d1

[Cartecay]

If Hitler wasn't ambitious he would of never conquered Europe?

 

DoomedOne, I certainly hope you weren't making this statement in support of that madman and the atrocities and injuries he inflicted on the world.

[doomed_one]

Hahahaha ok I worded that wrong, I tried to put him under the same light as Alexander, not supporting him, just trying to put some military people(aka Blitzkrieg and ambition for Hitler, not the atrocities), but I'll alter it so no one thinks I'm some neo-Nazi

 

~d1

[Phil_8]

if you ignor the genoside, and just look at hitler from a political and military perspective, then he was a complete genius.

[Nwadour]

Hitler was a genius indeed. He acquired charisma and wisdom.

With intelligence however, I mean not skillfulness, experience, etc. but the intellectual gain. I'm sure that if Hitler hadn't been rejected on the ways of his artistic interests, and give more space to a true education, he would have not allowed himself to create his antisemite ideologies.

 

This makes me come closer to myself. As I said, I don't want to be only practical, because I could be that at any time I want, but I want to learn, to study, to get the best possible out of what's called general knowledge.

Furthermore, it differs from country to country what tastes the jobmarket has. Or on which elitary level we're speaking about. Among musical composers, politicians, engineers, best-seller authors I personally know, most of them have got at least A if not A+.

 

What makes me even more depressed is that everyone, I swear, everyone, at school, in the discotheque, on internet, all my friends everywhere, everyone seems to not take me seriously. That hits my entire confidence: I keep asking how to engage myself in a better way to get better marks, and all they try doing is show why I should not do it.

I keep asking how to improve my concentration, how to be different from society and e.g. and don't care about ideas like love and sex and all, and all they do is tell me that I need love. What's this nonsense?

That's yet another reason why when I think about my suicide I also want to drown together with the cause of it.

Such statements make me more depressed...

I have already exposed numerous arguments of why I want to end school with an A+ average.

 

Meanwhile, I'm noticing that in every subject at school I'm falling. Falling, falling, falling. I feel my blood climbing and pumping through the different veins and arteries in my legs, thighs elbows and a bitter pain around my heart every time I think that I failed.

 

I failed in my ambition because of society.

 

Today the new school hottie comes to me cuddling and lovingly and says "You are the most beautiful boy of the world. I admire you for all. You outstand... You are so smart... If I will ever marry, I want you"

We kissed for a while.

 

Later, when I was alone, I cried.

It is indeed society that tried to make me believe that "I'm okay" and "I shouldn't worry" and "All you need is love"

It was because of happiness that I lowered the slope of my engagement.

But I don't want also my ambitions to suffer from the pressure of this stabilizing slope.

 

I cried because I don't have the energy to uprise against psychological conventions set by society...

 

And this increases my emotional hate towards myself and them.

 

Everytime I open my eyes and realize that my marks have gone down... I want to jump from a building, get an electric shock, walk into the road with red light, throw myself into the lake, tie myself to the train-tracks, eat cyanide, enter an industrial complex and have my body torn by the machinery.

 

Only then I remember that long time ago, I was a lucky young hermit...

with so good marks...

and then I met girls and fun...

 

I want to stab myself

[whatfor]

Your life will still be good with B and some C marks. It doesnt matter what marks you have, it matters how smart you are. When its time for you to have a job you think they are going to like you cause of your A+ marks?? no! they will have to see how smart you are. Even if you had all C and were smart and a good sensible person they would want u.

You make yourself feel worse and make your life worse by blaming your marks.

be happy with what you have

[Nwadour]

"It doesnt matter what marks you have, it matters how smart you are."

 

I'm going to print this, enlargen it, put my own blood on it and hang it in my room.

 

Even if you had all C and were smart and a good sensible person they would want u.

 

I don't care what the jobgiver thinks about me, there's always what I think about myself. It is my own interest to conclude with good marks... the school.

Because without the school marks I won't get into a good university...

 

It is I who wants to study and get A+!!!!

It's for my personal honor!!!

It is my country! My heart!

 

... ... ... ...

 

I won't write it again because it's useless speaking to walls... and I must be also wasting the forums disc space by repeating myself...

 

You make yourself feel worse and make your life worse by blaming your marks.

 

I am proud that I'm depressed for being bad at school!

 

In this I don't care about what others say...

In this at least... who know's how long this last thing which is individual of myself will last...

[whatfor]

good luck to u man

 

my point is: its fine to want good marks, and its fine to want to achieve it, good uni and all that stuff.

but its not fine to want to kill urself and others cause of bad marks.

 

and if its YOU who want to have good marks and if its YOU who it matters to.. then YOU go and get good marks and dont blame your friends for having bad marks.

 

good luck to you.

[BYOB]

I...would not have tought that some people are so similar to one another. Anybody knows what...the guy in Africa is doing right now ? Now you may have seen thousands of people altogether but never did you see 6 billion.

Yes, there are so many questions that we don't know the answer...SO many...

 

Contact me, Nwadour. I...admit that I feel somehow the same as you...in the rational point of view. I really feel interested by your concerns as well as anything you posted. Yes, feel free to send me a private message. I do not know if it is this interest to communicate together is reciprocate, that's why I offer it to you.

 

Otherwise, well, never let your acts come before you think yet don't think while before are your emotions fulfilled of filth. Whoah...nobody take this too serious, okay ? Just made this up

[Nwadour]

i thought I was relieved.... I thought I was finally again in that state of constant geniality... I thought I was happy again. And I seriously even thought that all this is bulls***.

 

And then... in one of my favorite subjects...

for which I'd studied the whole year long,

step by step,

reading far more than what was required for class,

knowing and loving the topic.

I thought I knew everything.

 

And last monday we had the exam in that subject.

 

Today I received it with 2 out 100 points.

 

this confirmed my target

this confirmed my state

 

I hate the whole world now.

 

I'm organizing the party and let hell decide the destiny of all of us...