His ex is back in touch

[purpletiger]

Ive been with my b/friend for over 2 years, but last week l was snooping around his room (l know l shouldnt have, l was very bored!!) and l found lots of letters that his ex from 6 years ago sent him. Why has he kept them? lm not sure if he's over her or maybe lm just overreacting. Anyway, that made me pretty insecure and a few days later l had a look at his texts on his mobile. There was one from her saying she's gonna be in town next weekend (she lives in a diffferent country) and she wants to meet up with him for a few pints. He's talked about her before and he once told me that she tried to attack the last girlfriend he introduced her to so lm obviously not too keen to meet her! He hasnt told me she is coming and lm really nervous that he'll lie to me, but guess l'll have to wait and see. l cant tell him whats bothering me because l shouldnt have been snooping in the first place. l think our relationship is great most of the time and he tells me he loves me every time l see him. But why has he kept those letters!! I feel sick please help!!

[Strandysmommy]

Ok, A) you shouldn't have been snooping...not ok. If I were him and I found out you'd been snooping, I'd prolly break up with you, that is a HUGE trust destroyer.

 

Now...as for your dilema. If he hasn't mentioned anthing about her visiting, you could just casually ask "hey have you heard from (insert ex's name here) lately? That's ONLY if he talks about her now and then. Find some way to bring her up. Ask "did so and so do this for you?" Or "Why did you and she break up again?" If you've been together for 2 years it shouldn't be an issue to talk about it. Or, you could just say you heard something about a jealous ex beating up a current, and reminisce about how he told you about her doing that.

 

Just be innocuos about bringing her up. OR, if you really want to be bold, just tell him you came accross these letters. By the way, why were you snooping in his room in the first place? You'd better have an answer to that if you do confess. Other than that, just wait it out until he mentions something. Guys can be friends with their exes, just as girls can. It's where your trust for that person comes into play...big time. She could be writing him purely out of "how are you" sake, or she could be in an "I want you" way...it's really not about her--it's about you and he.

Best of luck here on this.

[apollocreed71]

Well, you should not have been snooping. Evidently you do not trust him, why else would you be snooping. So why be with someone you do not trust.

On the other hand, the letters, he kept them for memories. However, he should have let you know his ex contacted him, as to avoid any confrotations with you...you know anything could happen.

Already I see problems in your relationship with a lack of trust, between both of you. This will not be a healthy relationship, and someone will get hurt. You guys need to communicate more, and maybe seek some counseling. Check out link removed, it can be useful even if you are not married.

[Beec]

The letters are from the past. Memories. Maybe he has some good ones. I have kept notes and pictures fo exes, and it means nothing in the present other than a memory.

 

The feelings are born out of thi making you a little insecure. Act secure.

[purpletiger]

l wasnt snooping because l dont trust him, l was extremely bored. Id been left in his room for 5 hours while he was at work. Ive always been pretty nosey but trust me lve learned my lesson! I know l shouldnt have been looking and l feel guilty now. But l love him so much and it can be hard to get him to open up.

[Cecelius]

I don't think he should be in contact with his ex (meaning, I think it's dopey for a man to keep contact with an ex).

 

I also think it's shady for him to keep contact with her and not talk to you about it.

[purpletiger]

nah lm not bothered about him being in touch with exes. Im still in touch with some of my exes. But this girl is different, he's still in touch with her even though she tried to attack his last girlfriend. Its a bit weird! I do trust him, l dont think he would ever cheat on me but l hate the thought of him still having feelings for her. I dont think he ever got over her fully. Maybe lm just reading too much into it

[whatfor]

i also keep letters from my ex as memories.. just like my own history. Even thought i wouldnt like to know my bf kept letters from his ex's. So its like going in circles, i know it means nothing for me but i wouldnt understand if he did the same.

Anyway, as about an sms from his ex.

Maybe he replied with something like "leave me alone" and there is nothing going on, and he didnt tell you just not to bother you, and not to create problems (been there).

But maybe he is actually going to meet her and isnt telling you, so then its not good. Watch him. Do you have plans for that weekend when she comes? Or has he said he is going somewhere alone?

You cant just tell him you went through his cell.. so you have to find other ways to show him you know and see what he is up to. But hey you do need to sit down with him and talk about these things and feelings once you bring it up.

Good luck.

[purpletiger]

nope no plans for the weekend yet. I spend almost every saturday with him though so if he makes up an excuse not to see me then l guess l should be worried. He goes to the same place every saturday so lm sure she'll be going there too regardless of his reply to her! I think he'll probably not mention it to me and act surprised when he sees her. I honestly dont think he would cheat on me, but then again its usually the ones that you trust that kick you in the teeth.

[whatfor]

Yes he might not cheat... he probably just doesnt tell you about this not to upset you. But its still not fair. He has to be honest. It sucks, you must find some way for him to tell you everything.

[hockeyboy]

Ok, A) you shouldn't have been snooping...not ok. If I were him and I found out you'd been snooping, I'd prolly break up with you, that is a HUGE trust destroyer.

 

see this drives me nuts. why is it that she's destorying the relatinship for snooping when he is the one going behind her back? i agree that the old letters mean nothing but any thoughts of meeting up with her is something different. if he bad mouths her the way he does and then she wants to meet up and does not even say anything about that seems a bit odd. why not just bad mouth her some more and say she asked but he said no way?

 

im not going to defend the snooping...though at times i think its 100% justified...not necessarily here...but i think the thing found while snooping is the real damaging thing.

 

so if an officer goes looking for clues for a crime and finds them, is it the officers actions that made the thing bad or is the actual crime still that made them bad?

[Beec]

OK, I have an ex. We only dated for a few months a few years ago. She drive me nuts. But she still calls me all the time. She has no chance, has been told that she has no chance, even thinks it, but asks and wants me to see her, etc.

 

Will I see her? Maybe someday? Does my gf have anything to worry about from her? NO WAY. But, will I tell her? Maybe not.

[Mentor]

When I was 6 months into my relationship with my last girlfriend, my previous gf of 7 years came back into my life wanting me back. I told her that I was seeing someone new, and asked for a week to think about it. Once the week passed, I told her that I had moved on and that this new relationship I was in was worth exploring. I did not tell the girl that I was seeing for another 6 months about this. When I did, she did not get upset. I did not do anything wrong.

 

My point being, even if he does not tell you that he has met up with this girl, you should not jump to conclusions that he is cheating on you. Snooping puts you in a terrible predicament, as you are now discovering. You will have to deal with this, it is not your boyfriend's problem.

 

Has he ever done anything that would make you have difficulty trusting him?

[collegekitten]

I know what you're going through believe me...

Unfortunately he's now my ex because he was going behind my back and seeing his ex. He told me he wasn't going to see her again because it was hurting our relationship and he decides to see her anyway. There's a possibility that he has been seeing other girls without me knowing.

He wasn't honest and I snooped too and found an empty box of condoms and he said they were from us...I highly doubt that....I couldn't stand it anymore and told him that we needed a break because I needed time to myself....

[Strandysmommy]

l wasnt snooping because l dont trust him, l was extremely bored. Id been left in his room for 5 hours while he was at work.

 

Um, why were you left in his room for 5 hours? That sounds a little...fishy I guess.

 

And as for the person who mentioned police looking for evidence, following a crime, thus far the guy didn't commit a crime. There was no reason to believe he was doing anything shady until the letters were discovered. That's just my take on it. I have had my e-mail read by my ex for whatever reason he felt justified in doing, and it REALLY bugged the heck out of me. Made me feel like, well, it made me feel really annoyed. Invasion of privacy.

[collegekitten]

If you've caught him in lies before you should be weary about things he says....My ex lied a little too easy for me....I had caught him in plenty of lies before and it was like they're stupid little things so no big deal....If I hadn't mentioned riding by his house one night he never would have told me that his ex was there....

 

My ex called me insecure and childish about this whole thing about him seeing the other girl and it's like he can get mad, but I can't.....I'm more suspicious if they had a physical past....like my ex and his ex did....I just knew that something was going on....He said it wasn't but he wasn't exactly trying to make me believe it for good....

 

I'm going to try NC for the rest of the month get some things in order in my life and see what he's up to....In the mean time my friend will be hanging out with him and trying to figure out how he really feels about me....

 

My head hurts...too much thinking...

[collegekitten]

Okay...There could be some misunderstanding between you and your bf right now....If he wants to see her and you trust him make sure that he doesn't want to get back with her...If he does have him end it then and there....

 

I made the mistake of jumping to conclusions and even though my "ex" that I'm taking a break from told me that he wanted to make sure that his mind was made up and he told me that he'd regret losing me....I want something long-lasting, but the other girl can't tell him that it would be permanent.....

 

There's just so much to consider....During our break I'm leaving him alone, he can call me if he really wants to talk to me and I told him to take his itme making up his mind.....

 

Keep your head up and things will work themselves...If you think you and he are meant to be than don't give up on him completely....guys need space....I'm learning that the hard way!