I'm left holding the bag

[HSAA]

My husband is in the Army and recently we relocated our whole family to Miami. He loves his job down here because he gets to travel and stay at nice resorts, often times in exotic locations. He has been gone more than he is home (maybe a week out of the month he is home if you add it together). Myself and our kids are unhappy in Miami, to which he has told me we (just the kids and I) can move back to where I'm from. While he's gone, I'm doing everything on my own. We have a daughter with special needs who also has three skin diseases and I rarely have a moment to myself with all the doctor visits and other kid stuff. The worst part is he volunteers for all of these missions and says he has never been happier. Tonight as I type he's in Mexico at a beautiful resort having drinks and dinner by the pool while I take care of our little boy who's had a fever for the past two days. I hate to say it but I want to face punch him when I read his Facebook posts bragging about his latest mission and how much he loves his job. I'm even going to have to fill in for him at our daughters daddy daughter breakfast coming up and he will miss both our little kids graduation ceremonies. I feel like I would give anything for a break or a fun night out but reality is I'm more like a single mom. Advice?

[KantSleep]

If he is not volunteering where would he be? Is there a base near your area? When he said just you and the kids can move back to where you are from, I take it he does not want to leave Miami, correct? Was he implying a separation/divorce? Or he would fly home for approx. 7 days a month to check in on you guys and you would remain married in this lopsided situation? I don't blame you for being upset if indeed he can be home more often, but chooses not to be. I didn't realize you could be in the Army and lounge poolside and have nice dinners at resorts. I guess I thought soldiers were in foxholes or something, preparing for battle.

[Seraphim]

As a military spouse we are told to NEVER disclose our spouses location while on deployment. Certainly not to the world on the internet.

 

As far as raising a special needs child with a spouse perpetually away. I get you.

[Seraphim]

If he is not volunteering where would he be? Is there a base near your area? When he said just you and the kids can move back to where you are from, I take it he does not want to leave Miami, correct? Was he implying a separation/divorce? Or he would fly home for approx. 7 days a month to check in on you guys and you would remain married in this lopsided situation? I don't blame you for being upset if indeed he can be home more often, but chooses not to be. I didn't realize you could be in the Army and lounge poolside and have nice dinners at resorts. I guess I thought soldiers were in foxholes or something, preparing for battle.

Nah, not always in foxholes. Depends on what the mission is .

[HSAA]

As a military spouse we are told to NEVER disclose our spouses location while on deployment. Certainly not to the world on the internet.

 

As far as raising a special needs child with a spouse perpetually away. I get you.

 

I never said where in Mexico he is. It's a pretty big country.

[HSAA]

If he is not volunteering where would he be? Is there a base near your area? When he said just you and the kids can move back to where you are from, I take it he does not want to leave Miami, correct? Was he implying a separation/divorce? Or he would fly home for approx. 7 days a month to check in on you guys and you would remain married in this lopsided situation? I don't blame you for being upset if indeed he can be home more often, but chooses not to be. I didn't realize you could be in the Army and lounge poolside and have nice dinners at resorts. I guess I thought soldiers were in foxholes or something, preparing for battle.

 

He can't leave Miami until his time is up. If he wasn't volunteering he would be at the office and then coming home afterwards. I'm not sure if he wants a divorce, our relationship is in trouble and to me being separated doesn't leave much hope to salvaging it. The kind of job he does has its perks.

[Seraphim]

I never said where in Mexico he is. It's a pretty big country.

 

Still not wise.

[itsallgrand]

You aren't seriously jealous of him having to work to support all of you, are you?! That's a lot of pressure, and for most people, work sucks. He's managed to find something that makes work enjoyable. And that's not all the time, I'm sure there's plenty of s/t work he hasn't wanted to do and days he wishes he doesn't have to go to work.

Staying home is a massive luxury, and sure there are parts that suck to that, but then you can always go get a job and let him help you balance taking care of the kids. You chose not to.

 

As a military wife, is there not support networks of other spouses and families near every base who understands. Every major city. And as a mom, there's other moms, other friends ( with kids or not) to have as support networks and to have a social life outside your husband. How's all that going?

 

I don't get it cause you signed up for this by marrying military and choosing to stay home and have kids in such an arrangement. He can't just quit his job. Not that it'd be reasonable to ask. It's pick one - a guy who supports you , or a guy who can spend time with you.

[boltnrun]

If you're relationship is already in trouble, I doubt it's the traveling and his apparent enjoyment of it that is the issue. It's just another straw.

 

A friend of mine's husband has to live away for work. He posts on Facebook about going golfing, about going to see films, about having lunch or dinner at nice restaurants, etc. And the wife doesn't get upset or accuse him of neglecting his family. She feels, what's he supposed to do, sit alone in his hotel room all the time? Why not explore and see what the city has to offer and make the best of the situation? But then, their marriage isn't in trouble.

 

It seems like the traveling is a symptom. What's the bigger issue? That's what needs to be focused on.

[Seraphim]

I am a Canadian military spouse and we have what's called military family resource centres MFRC for short. There are many many many services provided by the centres . Do you have comparable services ?

[Seraphim]

Our centre offers counselling, emergency respite, Resume services , help in finding jobs ,help in changing of career , veterans affairs ,Daycare etc etc etc. But emergency respite is something that you would probably need .

[Wiseman2]

Can you compromise and move back to where you have the support of family, friends etc.? Perhaps moving there in addition to the travel was too much compromise on your part. Renegotiate that.

 

There's no point being alone in a place you are unhappy. It just breeds this type of resentment. Has the problem only been since the move there?

My husband is in the Army and recently we relocated our whole family to Miami. Myself and our kids are unhappy in Miami, to which he has told me we (just the kids and I) can move back to where I'm from.

[Seraphim]

I understand being away is hard. We only saw my husband about every second weekend for four years while he was gone . Posted to four different places . Then when we got here he was deployed and on exercise pretty much for 2 years . He's pretty much 7 to 3 now luckily because he's an instructor . But that doesn't last forever that's another year and then who knows what happens after that .

[Seraphim]

I made the mistake of not building a solid network when I got here . I sat home and cried literally every day for three years . Now I have built a very solid network within my military community and with in my town community . And I know no matter where I go building a network is extremely important .

[KantSleep]

"We can't leave Miami until his time is up. If he wasn't volunteering he would be at the office and then coming home afterwards. I'm not sure if he wants a divorce, our relationship is in trouble and to me being separated doesn't leave much hope to salvaging it. The kind of job he does has its perks."

 

Well I don't agree with what he is doing. Another poster chastised you for not having a job, but you have a special needs child so I don't know if that is even possible. I see no problem with you caring for the kids if that works best for you. The trouble is you are exhausted from it while he sits by the pool in nice resorts. And, he COULD be home helping you raise the children you both decided to have. He PREFERS to be away. So indeed I would be upset too. I don't have much in the way of answers, except to say if he doesn't want to help raise the family and prefers to live the life of a bachelor, then maybe he ought to become one again.

[Seraphim]

I want a military spouse that gets to pick and choose. My spouse gets no choice about whether he's being deployed ,gone on exercise or if we're being moved .

 

Most WANT to go .Going on deployment improves your chance of being promoted, therefore more money . Going on deployment brings more money . My husband's last deployment he brought home tax free 10,000 from his per diem.

 

I do get it is difficult though. Really build your network.

[HSAA]

I am a Canadian military spouse and we have what's called military family resource centres MFRC for short. There are many many many services provided by the centres . Do you have comparable services ?

 

Not down here. It's like a very small base with only the essentials. There's no military housing not even for single soldiers.

[Seraphim]

Actually IAG has been a very valuable member here for 11 years even through her own personal tragedy in the past year.

[HSAA]

Can you compromise and move back to where you have the support of family, friends etc.? Perhaps moving there in addition to the travel was too much compromise on your part. Renegotiate that.

 

There's no point being alone in a place you are unhappy. It just breeds this type of resentment. Has the problem only been since the move there?

 

Thank you for your helpful advice. That's actually the same conclusion we came to when we talked. I will be moving next year

[HSAA]

I understand being away is hard. We only saw my husband about every second weekend for four years while he was gone . Posted to four different places . Then when we got here he was deployed and on exercise pretty much for 2 years . He's pretty much 7 to 3 now luckily because he's an instructor . But that doesn't last forever that's another year and then who knows what happens after that .

 

I'm sore to hear that. I don't mean to be a jerk. I was just expressing my frustration out loud for the first time. My husband came back from a yr deployment and then we moved here. I can't even find a job because I'm not bi-lingual. Miami is a whole different world! lol I have met nice people down here but I just feel like I need to help with the finances and it's almost impossible! I'm moving back next year. I finally feel at peace. When he's done with this he will meet us back up.

[HSAA]

"We can't leave Miami until his time is up. If he wasn't volunteering he would be at the office and then coming home afterwards. I'm not sure if he wants a divorce, our relationship is in trouble and to me being separated doesn't leave much hope to salvaging it. The kind of job he does has its perks."

 

Well I don't agree with what he is doing. Another poster chastised you for not having a job, but you have a special needs child so I don't know if that is even possible. I see no problem with you caring for the kids if that works best for you. The trouble is you are exhausted from it while he sits by the pool in nice resorts. And, he COULD be home helping you raise the children you both decided to have. He PREFERS to be away. So indeed I would be upset too. I don't have much in the way of answers, except to say if he doesn't want to help raise the family and prefers to live the life of a bachelor, then maybe he ought to become one again.

 

Thank you so much! You have cheered me up so much! I needed an internet hug!

[itsallgrand]

Some people come here just to vent. Some people are looking for outside perspectives. Some people want help coming up with solutions.

 

It's fine you just want to vent. I'll leave you to it.

[journeynow]

Does he get bonuses for the volunteer stints? My guess (and I may be wrong) is that he's doing more than having drinks and dinner by a pool. It has perks, yes, but my impression of the military is that there is also work. If he gets a bonus for these trips, he may see it as something that the family benefits from, too. It's certainly tough on you if you never get a break and are holding down the home-fort single-handedly. You do need some R&R, too, and maybe if there is a bonus some of that could be used by you for something that re-energizes you, and helps make you happy.

 

It's very tough to relocate and recreate a sense of home and belonging. He has that built in by being part of the military, but for you it might be a tougher road. Is there support for military families? Have you connected with other families? Find sitters to give you some respite? And to schedule time together with him when he's home? Would you two consider couples therapy?

 

How many opportunities are there for volunteering for him?

[Seraphim]

Does he get bonuses for the volunteer stints? My guess (and I may be wrong) is that he's doing more than having drinks and dinner by a pool. It has perks, yes, but my impression of the military is that there is also work. If he gets a bonus for these trips, he may see it as something that the family benefits from, too. It's certainly tough on you if you never get a break and are holding down the home-fort single-handedly. You do need some R&R, too, and maybe if there is a bonus some of that could be used by you for something that re-energizes you, and helps make you happy.

 

It's very tough to relocate and recreate a sense of home and belonging. He has that built in by being part of the military, but for you it might be a tougher road. Is there support for military families? Have you connected with other families? Find sitters to give you some respite? And to schedule time together with him when he's home? Would you two consider couples therapy?

 

How many opportunities are there for volunteering for him?

Absolutely , I know for us when he came home we spent the 10 grand on a holiday . So it does have benefits when they come home . A friend of mine her husband is home five days a month and she has an autistic son like I do except her son is six years old . Her husband makes oodles of extra cash being away. My husband's last deployment was max relax most of the time while they were based in Europe . However when they were on mission in North Africa not so much .

 

But many money do it bring the cash home .

 

I was also military but retired in 2005. I have been a military spouse for a little more than two decades.

[Seraphim]

Hey, I get it your a military spouse but Canada isn't America so please stop assuming we are the same.

 

I am not assuming. Explaining.

 

But I get the sense camaraderie is not something you want.