LONG POST Christian GF, mutual breakup, found out otherwise. rant and advise

[Charles359]

This is a long post so bear with me.

 

She was in another relationship for 2 years, with someone of different race and not Christian. She initiated the broke up at the end, citing he won’t be picking up Christianity anytime soon, but there were other underlying issues that she never mentioned to him, like him abusing her emotionally in a way, where he would ignore her and wait for her to reconcile when they got into an argument. I wasn’t sure of the exact time she broke up when she came into the company. But it shouldn’t be too far off, within 3 months maybe.

 

She’s my junior and I was guiding her when she joined the company. She’s a Christian (pastor’s kid), I’m an Agnostic. We are colleagues and friends for 6 months before developing mutual feelings. I confessed and we started dating for 3 months. I realized her religion is a very important factor to her, so I didn’t want to continue the relationship. But she was insistent we can work something out and I obliged. We were for another 7 months after that until we broke up. In between, we have never argued before, only talked things out. We were in the same department but due to HR decision I was transferred out. It was still easy to date as we were in the same building, the only challenge was from time to time, she will be seconded to another company elsewhere for 3 to 4 months. The last 4 months of our relationship was when she was away.

 

Dec was the eventful month, I was sick half the time and she was busy with work, have a church camp and 2 family vacations. We only managed to date once a week. A guy popped up in her camp and she mentioned to me she found out he was interested in her, but I took it as no threat as there was a few guys before him. Within the 2 weeks leading to Christmas, he started texting her more, and they Skype (his idea) late at night cause both of them needed to stay up late to rush work anyway. She told me about it and I gave her my trust.

 

The day before a big Christmas event with her family and relatives, she mentioned she’ll be going on a date with him as friends to catch up the next week, because they actually met 5 years ago but didn’t kept in contact. I didn’t want to appear jealous and restrict her from connecting with an old friend, so I gave her my trust again.

 

Christmas dinner with her family was smooth and everything seemed fine. I didn’t go to the Sunday morning service because I have something planned beforehand.

 

We went on another date 2 days after her date with the friend, and she brought up about would I believe in God. At that point in time my answer was ‘not yet’. She mentioned she talked to her friend about this and he said to give it some time and maybe I’ll come to, but the thought was in her head and she couldn’t help but talk to me about it. One thing lead to another and we broke up.

 

As the breakup was amicable and full of love in my opinion, we were still chatting after the break up but I noticed her spending more time with a ‘friend’, turns out to be this guy from camp. I had my first mental breakdown and just told her I needed space from chatting, not telling her was cause of her meet ups. The following Friday I initiated a meet up, wanting to reconcile with her and work out our differences, but she was determined and stuck to her decision. First time I have ever cried my eyes out in front of her.

 

Soon after I found out about a few things through social media and friends, regarding her activities with the new guy and what she told me not matching up. I confronted her later on and she just mentioned him to be a ‘very good friend’.

 

I bumped into them in our car park and it was very awkward. I was in shock and she just came up with some excuse ‘I volunteered to send him somewhere, this wasn’t planned’. His office is just nearby ours turns out. We had a talk after that incident and it ended with me wanting to stay her friend, somewhere down the line. But my emotion were still a roller coaster ride and I almost had another meeting with her just to talk, which I cancelled cause I felt it had no point since she wouldn’t answer with honesty anyway. I know her well enough that she can’t lie, but I could tell she wasn’t telling the truth when we were talking either.

 

We had a trip together with some of her friends soon after, which was planned the year before. During the trip, I was able to obtain some chat logs from her phone between her and the new guy. Due to tech limitations, the chat log starts only at early Jan, missing out vital information from December, leading up to my breakup. The more I read the chat log, the more devastated I became. Sometimes the truth really can kill.

 

This was just 2 days after our break up, turns out they were talking about each other being the right marriage candidate already, and at that point was already discussing bout meeting each other’s parents sometime later in the year, when things between me and her settled. Their chat was full of flirting, and they have been meeting each other almost everyday after our breakup. This made my stomach turn when someone who was with you for a year could just instantly switch their love to someone else so soon.

 

All that she said to me in the short period after the break up, needing time for herself, find God again, giving 6 months to consider dating anyone, all of those sounded like bull. It took me a while to get permission to kiss and get physically intimate with her because she wanted to take it slow, but she has no problem starting so soon with the guy, held hands, kissed, and getting physical, all within a month after our break up!.

 

And when I bump into her now, I can see the happiness in her eyes. And she doesn’t really seemed like she is guilty or anything. I know her love life is non of my business after the break up, but I felt betrayed that she mentioned she wanted time to find God again, because when with me she was neglecting it, and more time to achieve her other resolutions, on her own. That didn’t seem to turn out as she said.

 

From their chat and as I suspected, she has been getting lots of advice from the new guy on how to deal with me, to initiating no contact, to not needing to tell me the truth. Because I know she is a very caring person and she cannot lie. But with him, I guess she’s ok with it.

 

With what I found out, I went through another roller coaster of emotions. But at the end of it, I was feeling pretty ok. The feeling of disgust, betrayal, and anger of her actions. Other than that, I felt I am mostly ok for now. Just that on and off I’ll see something pop up on social media and set me back a little, but I mostly try to ignore it and started to unfollow her newsfeed.

I still have to interact with her mostly due to work commitments, other than that i don’t contact her anymore. She still checks up on me time to time, short text on a Saturday to see how I am coping, and direct messaging me when I post something on instagram.

 

For the past 4 months, I went through the heartbreak of the breakup, seeing them together, and after reading up on their chat log. All these helped me realized a lot of things about her, but at the same time I still have the disbelief of how I was treated.

 

I admit I wasn’t the best boyfriend, this was my first serious relationship and I could’ve done more to better improve how I treated her, but there wasn’t any abuse nor major fallout throughout our relationship.

 

Just had an extended interaction with her due to work recently. Was feeling great prior to that, but after that day, memories came flooding back and reminded me why I fell for her. Feels like a heartbreak all over again for 2 days.

 

Not sure what I want to achieve here, but this is just a vent and maybe just looking for perspective from y’all.

1. The breakup didn’t hurt as bad, it was the dishonesty after

2. How can a person not tell the whole truth when breaking up

3. It felt like she overlapped me with the new guy

4. She insisted we try at the beginning and she initiated the breakup at the end

5. Does she felt no guilty at doing what she did

6. Not sure how to trust her anymore, we just acts as if everything is normal now whenever we meet, with her not mentioning her new relationship and me not probing anything

7. Borderline on love and hate for her, need perspective to not fall into hate

8. I get some of the physical things we did may not be aligned to Christianity, but her also doing it with this new Christian guy makes me wonder if she is finding God again

9. she is clingy, easily stressed, needs words of affirmation, constant texting, which is not entirely my thing as I am more of a physical touch and face to face person, but I was adapting during the relationship, did she felt it wasn’t enough

10. felt like the overlapping cycle repeated itself, her 1st ex vs me and me vs the new guy

11. when we were together, it was agreed that we want to keep our relationship a secret from our colleagues (although I found out our colleagues somehow knew but never asked us about it), so she don’t really posts a lot of photos of us on her instagram, only the food and places we’ve been to. With this new guy, straight away she started posting lots of stuff with him. Although there was a mutual agreement, can’t help but feel like our relationship was undermined. my fault for not talking it out here that i dont mind people knowing

 

If you need more context ask away. And if you have read all the way here, thank you for your time and perspective.

[shessofly]

Hi Charles. I'm sorry for what you are going through. What are your ages? She sounds very young and immature. It is never a good sign to keep your relationship secret. It does seem as though you were overlapped and I understand that is a painful experience. Oftentimes people will not tell the truth because - it makes them look bad (her case of cheating), they want to soften the blow, are afraid, or perhaps some just don't care enough to bother explaining anything.

 

There is no need for you worry about trusting her since you are broken up. I think this lady has a lot of growing up to do. Sorry you got swept up in the process. Is there any other position you can get that won't require any contact?

[Charles359]

Hi Charles. I'm sorry for what you are going through. What are your ages? She sounds very young and immature. It is never a good sign to keep your relationship secret. It does seem as though you were overlapped and I understand that is a painful experience. Oftentimes people will not tell the truth because - it makes them look bad (her case of cheating), they want to soften the blow, are afraid, or perhaps some just don't care enough to bother explaining anything.

 

There is no need for you worry about trusting her since you are broken up. I think this lady has a lot of growing up to do. Sorry you got swept up in the process. Is there any other position you can get that won't require any contact?

 

hey, thanks for replying. i am 25 she is 24. i would consider myself quite mature at my age due to life experiences, a common comment from my colleagues and friends. my mistake for not noticing keeping it a secret was bad.

 

there is no other position at all, because the assignments give for us to work on is given by HR, even though we are in different departments. requesting to be excluded is not an option too, sadly company polices. and we just got an email just this morning for another assignment.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. She was afraid to be alone but was waiting for a Christian guy.

 

This sums it up very well 359;6799926] She’s a Christian, I’m an Agnostic.

A guy popped up in her church camp .

It felt like she overlapped me with the new guy

felt like the overlapping cycle repeated itself, her 1st ex vs me and me vs the new guy

[saluk]

Yeah, you had the right idea when you broke it off before about the religion making you really not compatible. She does sound immature, continuing to try to "make it work". As a religious person, it is probably not so much about finding God as she would like to think. But at the same time, it is much, much easier to feel close to someone who believes the same as you. With you I am sure she always felt like there was a force pulling her away from you just as much as whatever romantic feelings were pulling her toward you.

 

While it's super scuzzy that she was talking to another guy, (and I'll bet she feels guilty about that, she is just trying not to) all that did was shine a light on the fact that you weren't actually well matched to each other. You shouldn't have to work as hard as you did to be with someone, especially in the first year.

 

Fortunately, because of the HR move, you don't have to work on a close basis with her. Focus on moving on with your life, there is not much to be gained by drowning in the past.

[Charles359]

Sorry this happened. She was afraid to be alone but was waiting for a Christian guy.

 

This sums it up very well

 

Hey Wiseman thanks for replying. Yeah I do believe that is what happened. Him being a Christian made things way easier

[Charles359]

Yeah, you had the right idea when you broke it off before about the religion making you really not compatible. She does sound immature, continuing to try to "make it work". As a religious person, it is probably not so much about finding God as she would like to think. But at the same time, it is much, much easier to feel close to someone who believes the same as you. With you I am sure she always felt like there was a force pulling her away from you just as much as whatever romantic feelings were pulling her toward you.

 

While it's super scuzzy that she was talking to another guy, (and I'll bet she feels guilty about that, she is just trying not to) all that did was shine a light on the fact that you weren't actually well matched to each other. You shouldn't have to work as hard as you did to be with someone, especially in the first year.

 

Fortunately, because of the HR move, you don't have to work on a close basis with her. Focus on moving on with your life, there is not much to be gained by drowning in the past.

 

Thanks for replying saluk. You're right, the move is a blessing in disguise.

 

Never interpret that trying to make it work is immature. That's a new perspective.

 

Could you elaborate on your view on 'You shouldn't have to work as hard as you did to be with someone, especially in the first year'

[Charles359]

just an update, the bf came by the office and had lunch with her. luckily i brought take out from home and ate in the pantry. my usual lunch colleagues ran into her, would not be a sight i want to see. maybe luck was on my side and didnt want me to witness the scene